Consumed

Posted by Anonymous.

I want to cheat on my husband.

It all started while we were having problems- major problems, and things have settled down and worked out, for the most part. He's a wonderful man, whom I love dearly and have dedicated 10+ years of my life to. He's attractive, smart, funny, affectionate, thoughtful (sometimes), and a good lover. He'll make a good father someday.

He lost his job, and with it, himself. You can't love someone when you don't love yourself, and I dare say that for some months he didn't love me. It surely didn't feel like it. I was cold, I was hungry, and I was alone. I'm not exaggerating, either. The pantry was empty and it was 46 degrees in my house and he didn't care. Did. not. care. I was so entirely alone. I never understood loneliness until then. It's a whole new kind of lonely, and trust me- I know lonely.

This man, this incredibly attractive, charming man, who fortunately (unfortunately?) I work with, started paying me the kind of attention I so desperately craved. He is also married, and his wife is a crazy, crazy woman (which, I suppose I might be too, in her situation). I'm not naive, I figured I'm one of who-knows-how-many, and I don't envision a relationship resulting from anything that might transpire.

So, at this point, while you're thinking I'm a total whore, let me tell you something. I'm not a whore. I can count on one hand the number of men I've slept with and still have fingers left. I have never, ever been tempted or considered cheating on my husband in eight years of marriage or at any point during our courtship.

Things heated up to a rolling boil, and he laid his cards on the table. I begged him not to give me a chance to think about it, to consider the consequences and the morality of it and the weight and the depth. "Don't give me time to think about it". Well, he did give me time to think about it. I made the right decision.

He left for an extended vacation not long after. He came back recommitted to working on his marriage, and I had a long talk with myself while he was gone and had resolved to put this silly, dangerous game behind me and concentrate on my marriage. I thought that when things got better with my husband, this burning desire would fade. He and I remained friendly. Platonic. Even business-like.

Until the past week or two, when the compliments and the comments and the emails that teeter on inappropriate began again. We take the banter right to the edge and then back off. Which I know is for the best. And the right thing to do. Yet, I want this man more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I can't sleep some nights, I'm so consumed with him. Would it just be a one time thing? I don't know how, unless it went really poorly. We work together. Our attraction isn't going to die when it's finally fulfilled. Or would it?

We recently had a conversation about the end sum of our situation. He contends that I won't be able to live with the guilt, that I am better than this, that I'm not this type of person. By all reasonable measures, he's absolutely right. I'm not a good liar, I'm not good at hiding things, and my husband and I are close. We always said that we would "just know" if one of us cheated on the other- that kind of betrayal, that level of betrayal couldn't be hidden by one from the other.

So why am I still considering this? Why am I still consumed by this man? When I think about putting a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it every time I think about him, two thoughts immediately come to mind. The first is that I would have bloody wounds in a few hours. The second is "opportunity lost". The idea of giving up on this completely, of never having this fantasy fulfilled just kills me. At some point, our lives will go down separate paths and we won't see each other at all anymore. Will I regret giving up this opportunity for the rest of my life? Is the consequence of getting caught worth the experience?

My husband would be heartbroken to read any of this. It would shatter his world. Again, I'm not some kind of whore. I'm doggedly loyal. I'm jealous and possessive, and all of the other things that should keep me safely on the side of not doing this. So why does this little voice inside my head keep telling me that he would never know?

I don't even know myself anymore. I worry that I've married too young- at twenty- and that this is a product of that. I can't leave my job. He isn't leaving his anytime soon. Worse yet, my husband has taken up a hobby that this man, and no one else in our current social circle, can help immensely with. I can't push back when he brings up calling the guy to help him without raising suspicion. The idea of them working on a project together makes me puke. The idea of getting to see more of him, to have him around my house, of him earning enough trust with the husband to be alone with me, on the other hand, well, it makes me want to insist again that I am not a whore.

Or am I?