Friday, August 22, 2008

Consumed

Posted by Anonymous.

I want to cheat on my husband.

It all started while we were having problems- major problems, and things have settled down and worked out, for the most part. He's a wonderful man, whom I love dearly and have dedicated 10+ years of my life to. He's attractive, smart, funny, affectionate, thoughtful (sometimes), and a good lover. He'll make a good father someday.

He lost his job, and with it, himself. You can't love someone when you don't love yourself, and I dare say that for some months he didn't love me. It surely didn't feel like it. I was cold, I was hungry, and I was alone. I'm not exaggerating, either. The pantry was empty and it was 46 degrees in my house and he didn't care. Did. not. care. I was so entirely alone. I never understood loneliness until then. It's a whole new kind of lonely, and trust me- I know lonely.

This man, this incredibly attractive, charming man, who fortunately (unfortunately?) I work with, started paying me the kind of attention I so desperately craved. He is also married, and his wife is a crazy, crazy woman (which, I suppose I might be too, in her situation). I'm not naive, I figured I'm one of who-knows-how-many, and I don't envision a relationship resulting from anything that might transpire.

So, at this point, while you're thinking I'm a total whore, let me tell you something. I'm not a whore. I can count on one hand the number of men I've slept with and still have fingers left. I have never, ever been tempted or considered cheating on my husband in eight years of marriage or at any point during our courtship.

Things heated up to a rolling boil, and he laid his cards on the table. I begged him not to give me a chance to think about it, to consider the consequences and the morality of it and the weight and the depth. "Don't give me time to think about it". Well, he did give me time to think about it. I made the right decision.

He left for an extended vacation not long after. He came back recommitted to working on his marriage, and I had a long talk with myself while he was gone and had resolved to put this silly, dangerous game behind me and concentrate on my marriage. I thought that when things got better with my husband, this burning desire would fade. He and I remained friendly. Platonic. Even business-like.

Until the past week or two, when the compliments and the comments and the emails that teeter on inappropriate began again. We take the banter right to the edge and then back off. Which I know is for the best. And the right thing to do. Yet, I want this man more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I can't sleep some nights, I'm so consumed with him. Would it just be a one time thing? I don't know how, unless it went really poorly. We work together. Our attraction isn't going to die when it's finally fulfilled. Or would it?

We recently had a conversation about the end sum of our situation. He contends that I won't be able to live with the guilt, that I am better than this, that I'm not this type of person. By all reasonable measures, he's absolutely right. I'm not a good liar, I'm not good at hiding things, and my husband and I are close. We always said that we would "just know" if one of us cheated on the other- that kind of betrayal, that level of betrayal couldn't be hidden by one from the other.

So why am I still considering this? Why am I still consumed by this man? When I think about putting a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it every time I think about him, two thoughts immediately come to mind. The first is that I would have bloody wounds in a few hours. The second is "opportunity lost". The idea of giving up on this completely, of never having this fantasy fulfilled just kills me. At some point, our lives will go down separate paths and we won't see each other at all anymore. Will I regret giving up this opportunity for the rest of my life? Is the consequence of getting caught worth the experience?

My husband would be heartbroken to read any of this. It would shatter his world. Again, I'm not some kind of whore. I'm doggedly loyal. I'm jealous and possessive, and all of the other things that should keep me safely on the side of not doing this. So why does this little voice inside my head keep telling me that he would never know?

I don't even know myself anymore. I worry that I've married too young- at twenty- and that this is a product of that. I can't leave my job. He isn't leaving his anytime soon. Worse yet, my husband has taken up a hobby that this man, and no one else in our current social circle, can help immensely with. I can't push back when he brings up calling the guy to help him without raising suspicion. The idea of them working on a project together makes me puke. The idea of getting to see more of him, to have him around my house, of him earning enough trust with the husband to be alone with me, on the other hand, well, it makes me want to insist again that I am not a whore.

Or am I?

42 comments:

Candy said...

First, I have to say that I, and I imagine everyone else who reads here, do not read with judgment. Rather, every post I read here touches some part of me that has been there or felt like that, or whatever.

You're not a whore. Your husband "left" you for a while, and you were lonely. Sometimes stuff just happens, and it isn't anyone's fault necessarily.

I can tell you from experience that consummating it won't make you get over him, and the working together thing is going to make things very sticky either way.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find some peace soon.

Lamont said...

You are just desparate for positive male attention. Andy maybe horny. I was in the same boat when my wife was in nursing school. She had no time or energy to contribute to our home life and certainly none to spend making me feel attrative and important.

So when I started getting that attention from a young lady of our aquaintence, I was very easy for me to get my needs met outside of my marriage.

I came to my senses in a few months, but my paramour couldn't keep her mouth shut, and I started getting questions from our friends. At that point I realized that she'd better hear it from me first.

Hurting my wife in that way is one of the three things in my life I'm ashamed of. (I'm EMBARASSED by a LOT of stuff I've done, but very few things bring up actual shame.)

It wasn't worth it.

You have a number of options. You can leave your husband. You can open your marriage. You can get couseling.

But a clandestine affair NEVER stays clandestine, and it always changes your primary relationship in ways you can't imagine.

Lamont

Anonymous said...

If you do decide to sleep with the guy from work, separate from your husband first. You (probably) owe him at least that.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, I can't make this easy for you. But then you know what's right, and that's a start.
1. Do you know what you are going in for? Do you know this man at all - his ethics, likes and dislikes... do you want to live with him or just sleep with him and be done with?
2. What are you looking for? Sexual satisfaction, a human touch, a sense of yourself?
3. Please split up with him before you go doing anything with anyone else. Or tell him about your fantasy. But don't lie.
Take care.
SSM.

Miss Britt said...

I think a big part of that all consuming desire comes from the fact that it's forbidden. It's still a fantasy, while your husband is the reality.

And yeah, that's tempting as hell.

But usually not nearly as satisfying as we'd imagined.

zugby said...

I think we all have dark times in our marriages and those times lead to us thinking about being with someone else. I have (thought about it I mean) but I respect and love my husband too much to do something like that to him, me, and our marriage. Makes me wonder whatever happened to in sickness and in health...

If you're really so tempted, then do what anonymous said, separate from your husband.

I bet it's likely that if you were to give in to this office guy, many people would end up hurt, including yourself.

As for fulfilling fantasies, I fantasize about alot of differnt things, but am realistic enough to know that they will never be fulfilled.

Lastly, as for office guy, sounds like he's really selfish and is trying to manipulate you. What is all the bullshit about "You're a better person than I am," blah blah blah. What is his reasoning for saying that? Have you asked him?

I'm not judging you and I don't think you're a whore. I think you're human, but on the verge of making a very big mistake. Please seek counseling before doing anything.

Anonymous said...

I cant believe im commenting on this... How did I even get here? How can what you just wrote be what I needed to talk about? Weird stuff, people, very weird stuff. So, OK, here goes... I have been in your shoes before, and in fact stand in them now. I have been married for 17 years and also got married young(18). To make matters even more complicated we also have 4 kids. I, as yourself, love my husband. At least I think I do. I think love is vastly different to a person at 18 then it is at 35 and we need different things. I found myself in this situation a few years ago. We were having some major marital issues that I was just pretending weren't happening.(Its easy to do that when youve got 4 kids to take care of). One night he was out drinking with a buddy and came home after shareing a bottle of whisky, not even aware of how he got here. (side note... this is something I have put up with for most of our marriage. It happend more when we were younger, but was still a problem at this time). My husband is a 'mean drunk'. Not physically, but in every other way. That night was especially bad. I'm not going to even tell you about it. Of course the wonderful thing about it for him is that he's so drunk he never remembers what he's said to me, so he woke up the next morning with a hangover and thats it. Me, well, I woke up completely broken. I don't no why this particular night finally broke me, but i couldn't believe how aweful i felt. So bad in fact that i couldn't handle it so I stuffed it down inside (as usual) and went about my life not bothering to acknowledge what this had really done to me or telling him what he had done. A few weeks later my oldest daughter and I went to visit a friend of mine across the country. (our daughters are the same age and weve known each other since the 4th grade)
This is the story of how I fell completely in love with her husband... Yes, her husband. Now you can stamp WHORE on my forehead too:). I went to see my friend to get away from here and to be able to talk about all the shit that had gotten my life so fkd up. I went to spend time with her since we only get to do that once or twice a year. Well, turns out she has to work all week and can only take 2 days off. So we did stuff while she had time, but the rest of the time was just me, him, and the kids. (another side note... I hadn't up until this week spent much time with this man. I was in their wedding the year before this and had maybe met him two times before that) I think it started with me talking alot and him listening to me ~really listening to me, and me listening to him too. I don't think you need the details of the week, just to know that we were never physical with each other, but that it was a good thing I had to get on a plane cuz I don't know if I could have stopped it from happening. It awakened something in me that I didn't no was even there. Gave me feelings to feel that I had forgotten existed. I felt safe with him... Safe and alive. I didn't want to have to leave, but of course I did. So back in my shitty reality world I had to find a way to keep that fire in me lit. It was like a drug that I had to get one more hit from. I couldn't let him go and have to feel the way I did before. The closest I could get was emails. So I constantly checked my mail hoping for my next hit. Meanwhile I also called a therapist. I'm not sure how I had the presence of mind to make that life saving phone call, but thank God I did because I was going to need that more than anything else. I can't remember how long this went on. My husband, not being as dumb as I make him sound, knew something was going on. (Yes, they know something is going on) He managed to find some of our emails and, without telling me, wrote an email to this man, sent it to him, then showed it to me. I thought I was going to die. Then I got angry, pissed because I was stupid enough to get caught, livid cuz he gets to be mad at me when HE'S the idiot thats done all the damage in the first place, sad cuz I have to be lonely and empty again... Not to mention scared that he was going to tell my friend what had gone on, and I can honestly say thats what I was most worried about. (To this day she has no clue and is still one of my closest friends, OK you can stamp 'BITCH' next to 'WHORE' I understand)
So the story turns out that I spent a year in therapy, by myself. I went with the intention of leaving my husband and he knew it. He made all kinds of promises including never to drink again(at least not hard alchohol) and to be a better husband. And for the most part he has been. So I stayed. For him, for the kids, for the fact that I just didn't have the balls to leave. Which brings me to today. I've had other advances from men, especially lately. I dont have the same feelings about them as the first guy, but it does make you wonder if you made the right choice. Just because you said at one time that it was what you wanted to have forever doesn't mean that's what you are forever going to want. We can decide to quit our jobs and do something else that fulfills us and makes us happy, but we are such bitches and whores if we want out of a marriage for the same reasons. So, I suppose I shouldnt make this all about me and give you some advice like you asked. Well i learned through all this that only you can make you truely happy. Maybe your feelings for this man are just telling you that you are bored? Find some friends to go out with once a week, thats helped me ALOT. Nothing more theraputic then a bunch of crazy girl friends, some loud music and laughter, and a pitcher or two of margaritas. I only read todays blog so I don't know if you have kids, and I'm going to stick my nose in your buisiness more than I should but if you only take one piece of advise from this then let it be this one; Don't have a baby to fix your marriage. I don't think we ever do it on purpose, cuz it just seems like the logical thing to do next, but its never a good idea. He may turn out to be a great dad, but great dads can still be the worst husbands. You need to figure out what you can do for you right now, even if its hot sex in the bathroom of your workplace, or wherever;-)

Her Bad Mother said...

Anonymous at 9:02 - can I post your comment as a post? It might be engaged with mroe effectively that way.

Anonymous said...

sure, why not. Thanks:o)

flutter said...

Don't do this.

it will change you in ways you can't see now, and not in a good way.

Anonymous said...

Thank you all so much. I am reading every comment and it makes such a difference. Things have worsened in the marriage since this was written and submitted and I've given him a clear understanding of the fact that I have one foot out the door. It almost seems to be what he's trying to force me into.

As far as the other man, we've still not gone there, though things have escalated slightly.

I'm not sure I'm even capable of making the right decision right now, and I don't know what the future holds. At this point, my husband has put us in danger of losing our home.

FYI, I have been in therapy for two years straight now (as opposed to several shorter stints in my earlier days). I am trying to gently guide my husband there, but I hold out little hope.

Please, keep it coming, I really cannot begin to express how much it means to me.

js said...

You are not a whore. As a woman who has been "the other woman" for over two years, don't do it. Or if you decide to, thing long and hard about it. Is it worth potentially destroying your marriage? Destroying the other mans relationship? I cheated on my ex for some of the very same reasons you are talking about here. Ultimately, I ended it with my ex, but that guilt never went away. It's not something I am proud of in the least. The man is married to a woman he doesn't love, but stays because of kids. I cannot tell you the amount of guilt I feel. I teeter between hating her and feeling so incredibly sorry for her. I actually passed her on the road one day and had to pull over because I began crying so hard, I was so consumed with guilt. The idea of the affair is always exciting, thrilling, erotic. And I won't lie, the act of it (at least for me) is as well. But the reality of it includes so many more emotions. Guilt, self-hatred, self-doubt, etc. He and I also used to work together as well. I can tell you that many of the times we decided to try and end it, working together was terribly hard. And as discret as we thought we were, everyone in our office knew. There are certain looks that you give eachother without even being aware of them. Think about your choices long and hard. Remember though, if you decide to go through with it, you aren't a whore. You are human. We all make mistakes. I realize that sounds like I'm shrugging off responsibility for what is viewed by many - even myself - as being one of the worst acts we can commit, but until you have been there, you have no idea. I wouldn't trade the past years for anything. I have felt more love than I can ever express, but I have also been incredibly lonely. If I could go back in time, I would have made a very different decision.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised open marriage isn't brought up more often in these conversations. Your colleague sounds like a bad bet to me because he's a colleague, but the fact of desiring someone other than your husband does NOT make you a bad person. Have you talked to him about this at all? It's not a betrayal if you both agree on the terms. It can be a difficult conversation I'm sure, but not as difficult as the one where someone gets caught cheating, or asks for a divorce.

Anonymous said...

HerBadMother, I know i said go ahead and post my response to consumed, but I decided I'd rather not. Sry. Hope the rest of your day is better. thnx ~;-)

LoveLladro said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

The grass is always greener. Please don't be fooled.

Anonymous said...

The first thought that occured to me ..was he abandoned you in his depression..and you probably lost alot of trust. What will you do if it happens again? So the distraction w/ the "other man". Also, your hubbys refusel to seek counseling means your going to have to make a very painful decision about whether or not emotionally you can afford to stay with this man. Whether or not you can afford to be hurt like that again. Myself,, uh uh no way I'm a baby and I would be gone..lol. You have incredible courage to still be there.

As for the "other man" , imagine how he must act toward his wife when he's home, can't be good, and that may help alot in killing the attraction.

In the end, you really need to decide how your going to move forward, and hopefully not with the other man, I was the other woman and the pain is sooo not worth it.

Michelle

Anonymous said...

I recently attended a wedding, and for the first time, actually paid attention to the vows these people were exchanging.

Standing up in front of a bunch of family and friends, and making these grandiose PROMISES to each other. Powerful stuff.

But my cynical side was wondering how seriously these people are going to take these promises to love each other through thick and thin - because they are in LOVE and the thin hasn't hit their relationship yet. And I was also thinking about how those marriage vows don't leave too much room for actual change.

Because people do change, and circumstances change, and it can be really really hard.

It won't be worth it to fuck this guy you work with. Anticipation can often be hotter than reality. But it might be worth it to talk to your husband how you are feeling. Even though you claim it would shatter his world. Who are you to think you know how he is going to react? Yep, you're his wife, but you are "protecting" him from the truth in a really awful, manipulative way. Maybe he has secrets he is keeping from you.

I'm more interested in your obvious pre-occupation with the word "whore". You are a woman who is hot after another man. That does not make you a whore. It makes you a sexual being with needs that aren't being met.

Anonymous said...

I am in a similar situation. I have been married to my husband for seven years. A lot of those years he has been working all the time leaving me feeling alone. Two weeks ago I cheated on him. I decided then I needed to end things with him. Not to be with the other man but because I figure if I am now willing to cheat on him I don't need to be in a relationship with him. It is hard because we have three kids together but to me it is better to leave so we can each find someone that satisfies us with what we need.

Anonymous said...

...it's a pretty fantasy, but the realities that come with an affair are sometimes ugly and awful.

If you think you're lonely now, I think you might feel even lonelier if you DO succumb and consummate this affair...

At the hardest moments in my eight year relationship, five of them married years, I try to focus on the small, sweet kindnesses that drew me to him in the first place and remember that these are the things I loved in/about him then and can love still.

Best of luck to you; everyone's hurts and happinesses are different and you will make the best choice for you.

Lottifish said...

You talk about how great your Husband is so I assume that you respect him as a person. If you do, you need to talk to him openly about this. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, it's easier not to. But you owe him that.

Anonymous said...

No judgment here. Marriage is hard, especially when you've been hurt. I mean, it's SO hard sometimes.

That said, reality WILL seep in to your relationship with this other man, whether you sleep with him or not. It might be fun and exciting and feel really really good for a while, but real life will make an ugly appearance in one way or another -- with hurt feelings, guilt, loneliness, betrayal...and even just ordinary stuff like if he sleeps with you and then doesn't call or when you start to notice stuff about him that irritates you.

I guess I'm saying that you're going to have to deal with reality -- not just fantasy -- in the long run. It's unavoidable. And I would guess that reality in your marriage has far more potential for long term contentment than a fling with a guy from the office.

Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

I've been in a similar situation. Three words: don't do it. Walk away while you still can, you can't unring a bell.

Kat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like you know what is right, and that this man is playing with you to see if he can make the conquest. I don't have any idea whether he's aware of that or not - but he's the one who continues to instigate, no? I'd say he's dangerous, and you have your head on straight when he's not around.

Anonymous said...

It might be above here, but in case not - you might also be jeopardize your job. Many corps/institutions etc have rules against inter-office relations. And the fact that you're both married makes it easy for them not to be the bad guy.

And the following cliches seem appropriate: the grass is always greener and you never know what you have until its gone.

Anonymous said...

It wouldn't jeopardize my job- we're in different departments. Only managers and their direct reports are forbidden to fraternize.

My husband and I had sex twice this month, and that was after a serious discussion about my inability to cope with the lack of physical affection.

I'm almost sure I want to leave, but how do you tell a man you don't love him anymore after twelve years together? How do you crush someone like that, especially when they are already depressed and the rest of their life sucks?

And yeah, the other guy initiates, but I sure don't discourage it. He probably is dangerous, if for no other reason than his wife is a crazy bitch.

Re: use of the word whore. That's how I feel. I know that I'm just a girl with needs that aren't being met, but I never, ever in a million years thought that I would come to this point in my life or my marriage. Life sure was easier when I could naively stand on the moral high ground and look down my nose at people.

kittenpie said...

It doesn't sound like you are a whore, it sounds like you are a woman who needs some attention, some affection, and maybe some sex. It sounds like you are not getting those things at home, so it's looking attractive to get them somewhere else, even knowing how bad a bet this man likely is. He may make you feel like a desirable woman again for a while, but I can't imagine it ending well, to be frank.

To be honest, the year I was home with my daughter and lonely and not getting enough attention, I wondered in an abstract sense if that would help and realized that it wouldn't - it was my husband's attention that I wanted, not just any attention. Think about this a bit, and if you decide it's not just your husband's attention you want enough to weather a rough patch, I think you might owe it to both him and yourself to deal with that situation first before complicating it with someone else. I think you'll respect yourself more in the end, and maybe avoid some mess. This guy may just be the catalyst you need to really examine what you need, but I don't think it sounds like HE is what you really need.

Anonymous said...

When you marry someone, you take vows, make promises to that other person. To love, to honor, to committed to them, through thick and thin.

Less than a year ago my husband had an affair. As far as I know it never got physical (I'll never really know for sure...) but just because they didn't have sex or kiss doesn't mean that he didn't have an affair. It hurts me so much even now almost a year later.

We are still together but it was very hard for me to stay with him. The affair hurt a lot, but the broken promise, the selfishness of what he did hurts even more.

You are already having an affair, you have admitted to having inappropriate conversations, contact and feelings for this man. The choice you have to make it whether to take it to a physcial affair or not.

I don't feel you are a whore, but don't except people to condone what you are doing. If you want your marriage to work STOP what you are doing, get counseling (for both of you).

It takes two to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to end it. You have the choice.

The longer you wait, the harder it will be on everyone.

Anonymous said...

You are not a whore.

You do need to leave your husband first before you start a relationship with someone else. A wrong has never made anything right.

You said "How do you tell a man you don't love him anymore after twelve years together? How do you crush someone like that, especially when they are already depressed and the rest of their life sucks?"

Whether the words come out of your mouth or whether you have an affiar, you are already doing that. Except by telling him first, you are being honest. By not telling him you are dishonest.

Be kind to yourself and do the hard, right thing.

Anonymous said...

Two words: OPEN MARRIAGE!

Barbie fantasies keep women in check and create the illusion that we are never horny, even when we are lonely. They also make it so that we over-explain ourselves when where trying to prove that we're not 'a whore'. Oh please!

Wanting sex and being emotionally honest about that is a good thing. Don't step in doo with that co-worker of yours, as he seems slimy. But anyway, stop placing less value on yourself and using misogynistic terms (whore) to describe your thoughts and actions, or other people for that matter. (What's the male equivalent to whore, again? Oh yeah, STUD! I don't play double-standards).

Sit back and think about what you really want. It takes a lot of bravery to be this honest. Sometimes the discussions get hard, but in the end, the two of you might find a solution together.

For me, it rekindled my dying marriage and got us talking again, being honest with each other, and making time for each other even when it feels like there is none. There's hope.

Anonymous said...

My experience with this has been that you can do it as long as you keep your expectations realistic. For me, it was an old boyfriend from college. We reconnected after a dozen years and then played the email flirting game.... I jumped every time my phone buzzed on a text and it was like a drug... that excitement, that thrill, all things that seem to disappear with marriage and kids sometimes.
My husband is in a bad place, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't make him happy, he needs to do that on his own. So I am supportive, loving partner while he goes through whatever this is that he is going through. I am also a kick-ass mom.
The attraction with this guy was a diversion, something that kept me, strangely enough, from thinking about how I wanted to divorce my husband, and how hard that would be as a kid of divorce myself.

I needed to do something surprising, something that reminded me of who I was before I married and had kids, and this guy gave that to me. Most people go out and get drunk and dance on tables when they want to feel that way, but I don't have that option. I'm a recovering alcoholic and if I started drinking, I know I wouldn't stop.
So I set my expectations: that it would be a one-time thing, that I wouldn't get attached, and that I WOULD BE IN CONTROL and would not give up anything of myself that I did not want to give freely. And that I would never ever EVER tell my husband. Or tell anyone for that matter. No one knows.

I have never believed in total honesty in a relationship, for instance my husband has no idea I was sexually molested by my brother. I spent 10+ years in therapy dealing with my baggage and have no intention of getting back on the carousel with him.

So, I slept with my old boyfriend, felt young and fresh and me again, and that is that. You can't unring a bell, but if a bell rings in the forest, who can hear it? Neither intends to leave our marriages.In fact, we both stay in not-perfect marriages because we believe in intact families (we both have kids).

As to getting caught: People get caught because they want to get caught. It's not that hard to do it discreetly. Deleting emails is a no-brainer.

As to choosing the right person: Having a fling with someone close to your husband is just madness. Don't shit where you eat.

Anonymous said...

I have been where you are and I cheated. I made the wrong choice. I honestly and truly thought I was in love with the other man, but now I know that if he really loved me he would've waited for me. I wish I had the words to tell you about my experience, the thrill of being in love again, the rush of being touched by new hands, all of it for a while was wonderful. Then the guilt, the shame and the stress started kicking in and I almost lost myself.
My husband was also emotionally and physically unavailable for along time as well as neglectful and borderline verbally abusive and the attention from the other man went to my head. I felt justified in a way.
You sound like you have no children. A separation or divorce would be easier now, without an affair to make things messy. My husband, against all odds found out, and I am speaking not from a judgemental standpoint, but just as someone who's been there. Wait, separate, divorce, but don't cheat. It's not worth what it does to you. It will make you into something you don't want to be, and it will complicate your life immensely.
Good luck, you are NOT a whore, you are just alone and confused.

Anonymous said...

wow - some great advice this post has provoked. In order for this marriage to be saved I think both sides need to do things....

You need to quit your job and cut off all contact with the co-worker. Plain and simple; its the only way to move away from the daily temptation.

Your husband needs to be told how you feel, if you've done the step above you don't need to tell him specifics, just say that you were attracted to someone else and took care of the issue and now he needs to acknowledge his issues. Either with theraphy or reconnecting with you somehow.

My husband and I had to deal with an affair and it about killed our marriage but we've survived, in fact it's been over 12 years now. He had to leave his job and if he wouldn't have done that we wouldn't be together today. Seriously remove yourself from that temptation. I can tell by the way you talk (throwing the word "whore" around about yourself) that you will regret it if you go through with it. Another thing I strongly recommend is to get yourself in a church or a support group that has gone through this. God heals and forgives and can make miraculous changes in peoples lives. It works. Best of luck in your marriage dear.

Anonymous said...

Three years ago, your story was my story. I had the affair. I separated from my husband. My husband and I went through counseling together and seperately. All the while, I was having a relationship with the other guy. I felt great, attractive and wanted by other men, however, it was short lived. A fantasy only lasts so long.

The day I realized how stupid I was acting was when my lover and I had our first "argument." It was a petty disagreement, like any couple has, but in the back of my head, I thought, OMG, I left my husband for this. What was I thinking? This is not what I want.

When I realized that I wanted to save our marriage, it was almost too late. The trust he had in me was nearly destroyed and we had to work very hard to get it back. It was hard, he found out about the affair, there were lots of tears and arguments, but we made it through.

My point in all of this, if you fullfill this fantasy, eventually it becomes a reality and then you'll have to deal with the consequences of that reality. And, trust me, it's not all that exciting. My advice is for you and your husband to get counseling, together and separate, so you can each work on yourselves and help your marriage. You cannot have a healthy marriage if you aren't emotionally healthy yourself. Then, maybe you can figure out why you are having these feelings and why you continue to put yourself in these situations. But only you can do it.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

For a few years of my marriage, I had intermittent one-night stands. It was always the same thing. I'd go out, get drunk to the point of blackout, and sleep with a random guy.
I always felt guilty afterward, but it didn't really hit me until after one specific guy.
I changed. I stopped going out. I stopped drinking, and of course I stopped fucking around.
The last time it happened was YEARS ago. Yet it kicks me in the heart daily. All day every day. My husband is wonderful. We have wonderful kids. He doesn't and didn't deserve a shitty wife. My kids don't deserve a shitty mother.
I am unable to forgive myself. I sit and cry thinking about all the 'what ifs'. Even though we've moved to a different state...what if somehow someone finds out and then tells my husband?
Daily physical and emotional pain. For 3+ years.
Not worth it. Not even close to being worth it.
You'll always label yourself with the 'cheater' label in your mind and heart.

I just want to get my life back.

Anonymous said...

All of you are so helpful in your comments, and I didn't even write the post. I now understand my friends more, those in this struggle, or those who succumbed.

My comment: the man at your work is lying to you. Yes, you are, of course, wonderful and sexy and all things that cross the line in emails, but he is preying on you and your low sense of happiness in your marriage and life.

Wolves sniff out the ailing sheep, not the healthy ones.

Now, you know this, you know this. You know he isn't finding you the greatest: You are looking to remember you at your greatest.

We thank this co-worker for pointing this out to you. But don't follow him.

If having an affair was the best option, don't you think Oprah would have it listed as one of her greatest things?

It's not the greatest thing.

Sex and love and happy relationships are: secret sex and lying to friends and family (not just your spouse) is betrayal.

I speak as a friend who was betrayed: your spouse is not the only one you betray.

Above all, you betray yourself.

You can let this man shower you with attention and "love" or you can take care of yourself and love you and shower you with attention and love and health. (have courage)

Love honor and cherish is to ourselves, first: ask any religious leader, any person who is trying to tell you not to go down this path.

You are so wonderful to write this post for all of us, so wonderful.

No matter your choice, everyone is still here. But remember: the guy at work is a sleaze: no good man would cause such strife in a person. A good person creates openness, not secrets.

He's sleaze.

Anonymous said...

anonymous 5:22 am:

Get every book you can on forgiveness and read it. You stopped the behavior, please study forgiveness so you can get your life back.

Study every religion on the topic, you will see how you are already forgiven.

If you don't forgive yourself then that means I am not forgiven my transgressions.

I learned SOMUCH from your comment: thank you. Let's learn about forgiveness and practice it.

We need the peace.

Vanessa said...

If you're not gonna consider yourself a "whore," who is? Look at it from the outside.

You're a woman that's been married for 12 years, and is considering cheating on your husband with a man at work, purely for sex.

If he did that to you, you'd be telling everyone how horrible of a husband he is, and how unfair it is that you put so much time into the marriage. You know he'll be heartbroken, so don't do it. The options of any decent person here are simple: leave him BEFORE you get involved with another man, or stay with him and work it out.

Anonymous said...

You know I think water finds its own level. If the "other man" is married to a crazy bitch, I'm betting he's less than emotionally stable himself.
Honestly, I think your best bet is to let the flirtation at work charge your emotional batteries and then come home and give all the nummies to your husband who needs them. It might re-energize your marriage.
On the other hand, if your husband is clinically depressed, and it sorta sounds like he is, it won't help him. And,terrible as it sounds, it's likely that the only thing that *would* help him is for you to leave. Only pain causes change.
A final thought, are you emotionally well yourself? Beyond the immediate crisis of the fidelity issue? There's a lot of self-loathing in some of what you're saying. If you can't use the energy locked up in the forbidden attraction to jump start your marriage, if it's more serious than that, I'd suggest leaving your husband and not dating for a year or two and turning all your energy and attention on yourself and your issues. Get healthy. Really confident and strong. And then find an unattached, emotionally available, equally healthy man and fall completely in love.

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 709:

The self-loathing? I think Vanessa covered that very well.

Am I emotionally well? No, probably not. I have an anxiety disorder and a tendency towards depression myself. That's why I'm under the care of a therapist. We both feel that I have made great strides over the past year or two.

Chaos said...

In the last month you could have been talking about my life. Everything you said, marrying young, loss of attention from your husband, husband becoming a different person. Those are the things I have been fighting. Here's where we differ. Although I knew better, I took the step you contemplating. Its not worth it. Its not worth the heartache, the pain and the loss of yourself, because as much as you think he wouldn't know, he will.
Before you do anything you'll regret you have to figure out who you are, because at one point you loved your husband. The love and respect that lead you to get married is what you need to look at before you make this decision. If you decide to be with the other man, you have to tell your husband, because the guilt will only make the depression worse.

As one whose recently made that mistake, seeing a man you once loved crumble is something you can't ever get out of your head.