Thursday, September 25, 2008

Dear Tormentor

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Tormentor,

My husband is your minister, not your slave.
My husband's job is to please God, not you.
My husband is a good man and does not deserve your judgmental diatribes.
Why can't you see the way you make him suffer?
My kind hearted husband has been reduced to weeping by your sharp tongue.
Why do you feel the need to constantly "correct" me?
Who gave you permission to appoint yourself my judge?
If I spoke to you or your husband the way you speak to us you would be devastated and we would be fired.
Why can't we fire you?
If I treated your children the way you treat mine there would be a public outcry against me and you would pummel me into the ground.
Why does no one cry out on behalf of MY children? Why can I not protect my children from you without recrimination?
You are cruel to others in our midst as well. You have destroyed lives. Your husband does your bidding.
And yet no one is willing to stand up to you.
They are afraid of you.
You pretend to love God.
You pretend to be Spiritual.
What you really love is control.
You should be ashamed and yet you feel self-righteous.
Why does my honesty threaten you?
Admitting to imperfection does not make me a bad Christian. It makes me human.
I have been trying for years to be kind to you.
To be gracious in spite of how you hurt us continually.
I have embraced your children and refused to blame them for your mistakes.
I have tried to love you like I KNOW Jesus loves you.
And as a reward we have to leave our home, our job, our friends.
Because of you we have to find a new place to live and work.
We have to go somewhere away from here to give ourselves a chance to heal from the wounds you have inflicted.
Why is one bitter person allowed to determine so much of my future?

Sincerely, your minister's wife.

18 comments:

Chrissy said...

Oh, no. I am so sorry. My husband is in the ministry, too, and it always amazes me how cruel and selfish people can be. For your entire life to be turned upside down because of that is just heartbreaking. Church politics can be an ugly, ugly thing. Hang in there, stay strong, and be encouraged. Your heart is hurting now, but God is still with you. He is.

Fianna said...

I am so sorry that you have been treated in such a horrible way.

God is with you.

CageQueen said...

This was extremely eloquent. My heart hurts for you. God knows the truth about what a kind person you are, and that is all that matters. I think you should be able to call this woman out. Nobody said religion was supposed to be easy. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Karen said...

not to dissent from the previous commenters - and obviously I have no idea what you have been dealing with or what you have tried - but I did grow up with both parents in the ministry. My mom laid down everything to protect us from crap like that & she was criticized and judged. She had fewer friends than she deserved to have & people often misunderstood her. But she refused to give in, she did not gossip, but she stood like a bear between us and anyone who would try to eat us alive because we were clergy kids. She never regretted doing that. You will never regret being away from this person, though this transition may be hard. The most important people who will ever pass through your ministry are your kids. They will always remember when you choose to protect them. You will be glad you are no longer near this person's poison.

I just can't help but wonder, where was the rest of your husband's leadership team. I've always been at a church with a vestry or session, other people who would come in to support the minister & not let it get to such a horrible point for his family. It it not loving to anyone or to God to be victimized. I hope your next place provides much stronger community ties that way. You certainly deserve that level of support, for all your family gives.

Anonymous said...

I wish this wasn't in the basement. I wish you could say it all. Working for a church sucks. My mother is a minister. My brother is a DCE. I have watched both of them get treated like crap for years.

And they wonder why I don't go anymore.

I know you didn't ask for advice, but I would so tell this woman these things. And get some help from the leadership like the PP said. You don't have to live like this.

Servant doesn't equal doormat.

Anonymous said...

Holy crap, you've met my neighbor! I know just how you feel!

She told "authorities" my son's burnt down someone else's trailer and that they are smokers, they are 13 and 11. They weren't even home that day. Ugh. And that is just some of it. Yet she shakes that bible at me like I'm the bad guy.

I FEEL SO SO SORRY FOR YOU, PEOPLE LIKE THAT SHOULDN"T BE ALLOWED TO GET AWAY WITH IT!

Amelia said...

I too have been the victim of church politics. It's so hard not to become jaded as a result. I admire you for protecting your family, but I sincerely wish this hadn't happened to you.

imsilentnomore said...

I could have written that exact same post. It really sucks when the people that claim to love God are the ones that hurt us the most. My husband was forced to resign this summer because the old guard didn't like him. We had to uproot our kids and move back home with family.

I know all too well the pain you wrote about.

My prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

Remember we are not fighting flesh and bone but evil itself! The demons of satan walk our path with us and those around us trying to find the weak link to bring everything down. Even though we may see no judgement on this earth for those that condemn and hurt us believe it will come! The Lord tells us that it will. I hold on to that.

Anonymous said...

Been there, and have lived to tell. God can redeem the time that is stolen from you. Your writing is concise and eloquent, and unfortunately necessary...It hurts God that these people are in his congregations.

I am so glad that God has placed so many more people in churches that are not this way. It would be nice if the good people outdid the tormentors, but sometimes this is not so.

I will cry out on behalf of your children, your husband, and you.

Anonymous said...

Oh big hugs. I`m so sorry.

My husband is going into ministry. I fear this.

My father-in-law is also a minister and endured such `Christians`. The good news - is that they survived. I hope your denomination offers some pastoral care for you and your family. Although I know that that can be elusive to....

Anonymous said...

Oh Bless you! I'm sorry for the pain you've had to endure. From what I've seen from Pastor's wives I've met is that they're usually strong, loving, compassionate women-- I guess that's what the refining fire will do to you after a while. This will make you a stronger person. I can bet that when you're faced with an opportunity to judge someone, you will rise far above it because of this experience.
Hang in there!!

Anonymous said...

I just read this and I feel so sorry for you---and yes, I can relate cos my husband resigned recently after going through a bunch of mess in our church for l8 months. We are leaving our church family, our ministry here, our home and moving on. But God opened the door for us to go to another church and we are excited about the possibilities. All I can say is that people who treat pastors that way are not doing God's work at all. I am sorry they are acting so UNCHRISTLIKE!

I will pray for you and so many others hurting today because of a group of "religious" people.

Merrie said...

I've never even realized there could be a side like this to ministry, because it would never occur to me to treat a pastor like this. Argh!! I'm so sorry you've had to endure it, and I hope a new start changes things for you. God bless you and your kids!

Lotus Carroll said...

I have an amazingly centered friend who has been through just awful trials - she is such a good person, and doesn't "deserve" anything of what she's endured and suffered. But she told me that she came to the conclusion that the most important thing about a trial is the way you choose to react. That truly shows God what your heart is made of.
I think we know what yours is made of. I wish I were capable of such love, kindness, and grace towards others!

I pray you are moving to a brighter period in the life of your family. :-)

Anonymous said...

It sounds to me like changing everything in your life to get away from that person will be one of the best things you could have done. It will be better.

Robin @ Heart of Wisdom said...

I have experienced MUCH more pain in church than in the secular world. I'm sorry for your pain. The problem is a spiritual battle. See Breaking the Bondage of Legalism. http://budurl.com/bondage

Robin @ Heart of Wisdom said...

Check out "Why I Don't Go To Church Anymore!" http://budurl.com/nochurch