Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Deep, Dark & Dirty - The Follow-Up

Posted by Anonymous. Follow-up to THIS POST.

Today I called the insurance co and they said they cover both inpatient AND outpatient detox at 80%. Although I said I was calling for a friend, they still filed a case under my name - eek! I also called the drug help line , and from the broken English I cold understand, the guy kept saying "Methadone Clinic". However,from the research I have done and what I have seen first hand with other people taking it, I have heard Methadone is just as addictive if not harder to get off of than opiates.

The Husband Deal -
I really do love my husband, and though I have been told over and over how much I deserve better, I just can't bring myself to leave him. Especially because of the kids, although a lot of people say not to, it isn't always necessarily the right thing to do. Hubby and I don't fight very often, he works a lot and when he is here we get along well. (Well just as much as any other couple.) He is great with the kids, and they love him more than anything in the world. Even through all the horrible things he has done, I have handled it. The cheating though, it makes me sad and hate not being able to just have that carefree trusting love you have when you join as one with another soul in marriage. Later on in life I found out my Dad had cheated on my Mom, (and also found out nearly EVERY woman in my life has faced this adultery thing too!) it changed a lot about the way I finally understood a lot of the things about my own child hood and growing up observing my parent's marriage. Who by the way, are STILL married after 43 years. So that along with all the other testimonies I have heard are proof that you can work through adultery, even if it isn't easy.

Back when hubby was in the hospital, so was my Dad for open heart surgery complications. They were both in ICU at the same time, and my Mother and I were very close and helped each other through it. She basically stayed home with all the kids while I hopped between floors watching over both of them for several months. I literally lived there as long as hubby was there, sleeping on a blow up mattress on the floor in the corner. That bothered me a lot too, still having the fresh wounds of the affair and being away from my new baby so much, she refused to nurse just wanting the bottle she had been getting - it killed me. My oldest was 7 but bless his heart, he didn't fully understand. I remember a very intimate conversation I had with my Mom in a waiting room at the hospital one day. She shared with me a lot of her deepest darkest feelings and how her experience with my Dad's affair had always haunted her. Especially during the rough times in their marriage.Also, the times she had to forget everything else and literally take care of him on his death bed. It never goes away but you learn to deal with your past in time.

With MY husband, I do feel this is another way he can control me. Early on in our dating and marriage he was a very over jealous guy. He was always harassing me about where I had been, who I saw, talked to, etc. But he got a lot better about that after a few years as he grew up (we were only 17 & 18 when we married).

Hubby playing the sex game with them is partly my fault because in the beginning it was my way of 1. Originally trying to be the good wife, and make sure I do my job pleasing him so he wont cheat again (I know, it is messed up) and 2. A mask that makes us "even" and makes this problem okay to take most of the negative attention off of the real problem at hand. I know,still messed up.

Hubby said falling into addiction is due to not being mentally strong enough to not let it take over you and it makes you look weak. My honest opinion is it shows strength to even admit you have a problem and be big enough to ask for help! Believe me, if I had the actual ability of growing balls, I would have by now!

I know we have a less than perfect relationship, as most married couples do, but I need to take care of this bigger problem first. Then I will regroup and work on that situation. Right now, just as in the past, I am in NO position to up and leave with the kids and frankly, it would just make things worse right now. For everyone. First things first, I NEED TO GET BETTER!

I have talked several times with one of the commenters above and her words were more than encouraging. (Thank you commenter!) I also called the drug help line anonymously and got a lot of good advice and resources to use locally. Most were methadone clinics, so I am steering clear of that. I went to the Suboxone website and did a search for a local Dr that in certified to write it and can manage my case on a daily basis. I am very hopeful after learning about the Suboxone. Everyone I have talked to about this drug says it is like magic (although I know there is no magic cure), but it takes away the anxiety and cravings which is the part I have had the most trouble dealing with in my past attempts to stop.

I did end up getting more pills over the weekend and just spent 30 minutes breaking them down into smaller increment doses in a daily pill box to taper down (to lessen the withdrawal symptoms) about 5 mg a day until I get to zero, in which that is the time I will go into the Dr to get started on the Suboxone.
I still do not plan on telling my Mom & the rest of the family unless my plan fails and resort to my plan B. My family and the going to rehab would be my plan B.

I've gone through a LOT harder things in my life ALONE and know I have the strength to do this too if I set my mind to it, and this is something I REALLY have to do. There is no other choice and that is what I have made up in my mind. I HAVE TO DO THIS!!! This is the way it HAS to be. I made a plan and I am going to do my damnedest to follow through now that I know there is help waiting for me at the Dr's office after I take my last pill.

As far as all the love and e hugs and support I have received in the comments, I can't thank you all enough for the encouragement and all the kind words! Really, I mean I knew there was a lot of love in the blogosphere but ya'll gave me more than I could have ever hoped for! (With the exception of commenter #30, either you are Dr.Dickhead or you are just the type of cut and dry my way or no way asshatted person that has no hope in anything at all and I REALLY feel sorry for you. If you read my original post, I said that I would NEVER EVER risk my kid's being taken away and I meant that. Also, I have NO car, & NO drivers license so don't worry about me wrecking and hurting anyone. ALSO, like I said originally, I do NOT pass out from these things, they actually give me energy. Really, I'm just glad there was only one of you on the comment box!)

The past 2 days I have read and reread all the internets inspiration and it has given me the courage to take action. I can't thank you all enough and promise I will be back with a success story update in the next month or so to tell! In the meanwhile, please, PLEASE keep me in your thoughts and prayers! I know it won't be a walk in the park, but it is a journey I must take no matter what and just making my plan is the first step. Knowing there is a better life for me and my kids waiting for us is enough to keep me going!

~Anonymous

PS - If anyone wants to talk privately more than the anonymous commenter route, you can reach me at secretmommyblogger@yahoo.com . But PLEASE keep the negativity and hate mail to yourself. Remember, karma is a bitch! And to quote the commenter I have been in contact with: Anyone judging a drug addict ought to try being one!

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

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Ohhh Dear Catherine, I thank you SO much for posting my follow up! However, since then, there has been a few changes and I have been posting them in the comments section of the original post! Between insurance companies & Dr's and scheduling, it has been a hot mess TRYING to get help! But TODAY is the DAY! I FINALLY get to go TODAY!!! Today has been hard but I know if I can just make it FOUR MORE hours, I will *hopefully* be free.

I am praying for you today too Catherine, and hope you find the help you need!

Thank you again everyone for all the elove & support. I will be back tomorrow to hopefully say it is all better!!

xoxo~Anonymous

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Anonymous said...

I Copied& Pasted my follow ups from the comment section of the original post... this is how it all went down and I hope I never have to write another again, except to say IT IS OVER!


Anonymous said...

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First, I want to say the BIGGEST THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to every single one of you that took the time to comment with love, support, and encouragement. I sat and read and reread ALL of them over and over for days. I took the advice of those that had been there and sought out a Suboxone certified Dr.

It took an entire week and was one of the most frustrating things I have ever done dealing with an insurance company that would rather send me to a Methadone clinic indefinitely than really help me. I thought just admitting my problem was the biggest step, but found reaching out for help was the hardest. I was just about to give up last week until Friday afternoon, when a nurse (an angel) called me back from one of the hundreds of places I had called earlier in the week. She is the sweetest thing ever!!! She is understanding and compassionate and TRULY wants to help me. She is THE Suboxone nurse and heads up the program there.

I went in yesterday and sat in her big comfy recliner and poured it all out to her. She hugged me and told me not to worry, she was immediately accepting me into their program and would go to great lengths to do what ever it takes to help me. Yesterday was my last day of pills, I took the last one I had before walking into their office and I don't plan on EVER getting anymore. I also burned the bridge with the guy I used to get them from and am sure he will not EVER be calling me back. I never plan to take that route again!

Today is my first day in over a year with ZERO pills in me or my house. But I am not freaking out like I normally would worrying about getting more and wanting more because I KNOW there will be a fix tomorrow! Tomorrow I go to their office for 4 hours and start my Suboxone monitored closely by them and will be in close contact with them by phone, office visits, and therapy every day after that.

Just having a concrete plan is a huge relief to me and I am excited to start my new life sober and catch up on all the things I have been missing! Especially my beautiful children who deserve a better me and soon WILL have a better me!

I decided it would be better to NOT involve my parents, it would just bring more heartache and stress to our relationship as it is already on thin ice. Mom and I are at least talking now (as of last Tuesday at HER birthday dinner) and I am happy with that. Ironically, tomorrow is my first official day into sobriety AND my Dad's 61st birthday. I will be secretly thinking about the wonderful gift our family will be getting as I know me getting better will ultimately help heal ALL of us.

Surprisingly, the husband has had a moment of clarity after many loooong tearful talks,and desperate prayers from me, I believe he has finally come to his senses. I told him how I felt,openly pointed out how he was acting, and how HIS support could be detrimental to me as he is my ONLY friend right now. I also reminded him of all of the events 2 years ago and how I had literally kept him alive despite all the hurt and heartache he had brought on us. I explained to him that *I* was the one that was sick this time, and desperately need him to return the favor and help ME get better. I also conveyed to him that if I *did* manage to get sober on my own, I would more than likely leave him behind. I am going to get better WITH or withOUT him - but would prefer to give our relationship every chance we could if it mattered to him - cause it does to me. He realized everything I said was true, and got off of work early to take me to my first appt yesterday. He tearfully apologized for his behavior and promised he would walk with me through this and would be by my side tomorrow at my induction. I don't believe anything until I see it, but so far I am hopeful. After we get through this, we will be able to work on the rest of the mess. One thing at a time, one day at a time.

I know and believe in my heart in the powerfulness of prayer, and every single one I received from here is working!!! From the commenters who have been through it first hand to the ones that just offered their tears and love, I am forever grateful. I just wanted to say thank you all for everything, and I look forward to coming back a year from now to celebrate my sobriety!!! I will not only be sober, but I will be alive, physically AND mentally!

Thank you Tiff for the emails, your personal experience was SO helpful and I admire you SO much for your braveness in openly sharing your story!

Thank you ESPECIALLY to HBM, Catherine, for giving me the space here to work through this. This world needs more people like her!!! I hope that one day I could be half the person she is and possibly help another in need!

Thank you everyone SO MUCH again, there just aren't enough thank you's in reach of my key board.

XOXO~ Anonymous

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Thursday Sept 25,2008
Anonymous said...

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So I did it...or at least I tried the hardest I ever could have and Satan dug in his sharp claws and hung on for dear life and this time again, it ended in another snotty nosed, eyes so swollen from crying all day long I couldn't see until this afternoon day just like the last year of my life.

I sat in my dark bedroom again today, just like the last year of my life. But this time I felt like I was "put back" in here, in my hole. As hard as I tried, all the blood, sweat, and tears, and thinking I ever even saw the sun's shadow, and my prayers were answered and FINALLY!!! FINALLY someone reached back to grasp the ends of my fingertips just in time to keep me from going down this black hole even further - it all fell through and I watched them slip away in slow motion too paralyzed to thrust myself at them for just one last chance of making this work.

Because there was a small, but VERY important link missing. What link could be that small in comparison to this whole entire self revolution I've single handedly tried to bring about, to save my OWN life? The microscopic in the light of the big picture measley TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS.

I went on Monday and poured my heart out to someone who I thought, REALLY wanted to help me. Everything was finally squeaking into place, not quite being shoved by force, but just falling into place to the point where I thought thank GOD because I didn't think I could make it another day, I couldn't muster the energy to even drag myself to this place. I did as I was told and was reassured it would all be okay, not to worry, just let go of the rope and they would reel me back in with their invisible harness. The insurance company said they would cover it.

For 2 of the longest, most excruciating mind screaming at me days, I laid and waited. I waited just long enough for my body to come to terms with the new "there will be NO MORE Vicodin" rule. As it started to rebel and violently lash back at me, with my head pounding, my nose running,my stomach and intestines on fire, vomit just a cough away, my skin cold and clammy but a fire burning just beneath it, my brain so mushy I COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING DRESS MY DAUGHTER, if I could just hold on a few more hours, I could FINALLY BE FREE of these little demons and have my life back. If my body would survive long enough to make it to that 10:30am Wednesday morning appt, I would be on the ledge with somewhere to stand.

Here I had just got enough self esteem slapped together to think maybe my life was worth saving...only to find out it wasn't worth more that $250. The $250 that I didn't have in my bank account to pay the Dr that would sign the magic little slip, my passport to freedom and brighter days and greener grass.

I saw glimpses of him, through my blurry tears. I heard the low melotones of his doctor's voice planted firmly there in the doorway. I heard the words and knew the ultimate, but was SO out of my mind sick I couldn't even beg. I just bawled. Hubby said he had to pry me from the big recliner I had previously thought would be my ride to the free world.

With big sad brown eyes my angel looked back at me full of despair, her arms draped lifelessly at the sides of her plump cheery peach sweater. He had pulled the reigns and called it. She had to let go cause you can't bring them all home, despite her knowing the real pain of it first hand from her own past 40 odd years fighting the very same demon. I felt her passion being extinguished as we floated out on the smoke through the waiting room out to the parking lot where I stood next to his shiny new BMW, not even recognizing my own reflection in the wax. Was I not worth saving? A mother? A wife? A FUCKING human? How much did he pay for that detailed wax job?

"I'm not going to tell ya'll to high tail it to the nearest ER cause the next few days? They're gonna really REALLY fucking suck." Ethically she did not say this aloud to us. I didn't even hear it until I had a mouthful of little yellow pills cringing and chewing to hurry up and make it STOP so I could go to my Dad's 61st birthday dinner and smile and pretend I was alive. I smiled when we sang, and like a stranger looked at my father who I don't even recognize anymore due to the last year his health has failed horribly but I've only been in a ringer's reach although I was only 4 blocks away.

"Please come back, on Oct the 6th, 3 days after payday, *ALIVE*, please??? Did the angel speak those words? Or was it the last alive piece of me crying out to the rest of my opioid numb dead body? I still don't know, cause honestly? I can't feel anything. Except the guilt of what I SHOULD be feeling like mourning for my freedom and not having the $250 to pay for it.

~Anonymous

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Erin said...

My God, this is heartbreaking. I hope, SO MUCH, that you are able to get the help that you need this Friday. I'll keep you in my prayers.

For whatever it's worth, I do understand to some extent what you're going through. My husband is an alcoholic, sober (this time) for about 6 months. He sought treatment on his own, and was treated quite literally like a criminal for doing so. They would always ask what the "court" thought about how he was doing on his treatment plan - uh, yeah, it was voluntary. He was not in court-mandated rehab. Neither are you. You are making a choice, the RIGHT choice, to help yourself. I hope and pray that it works out, and that you find the support you need.

Anonymous said...

Crap. Can we take up a collection for this gal? Seriously? This breaks my heart.

My thoughts are prayers are with you - you are an amazing person to ask for help.

Anonymous said...

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Oh, the saga continues despite how badly I want to hurl this book into the fire!!!

I met the new lady today there at the Dr's office, the nurse in charge of the *other* program, the one my insurance company *will partly* cover. We did the SAME interview I did last week (can they not hand a file next door???)) and she said she'd let me into *her* program. Good news. Oh, then of course the catch, there's always a freak'n catch. I just can't win.

THIS program requires me to attend three 3 hr group meetings a week, which I understand is a vital role in really getting better body AND mind. THEN, she said I am also required to attend at least THREE AA or NA meetings on TOP of those other meetings OR - I will be kicked out. SERIOUSLY????

I know not having a driver's license IS my fault, but can I say ANY LOUDER, I CAN NOT make it to ALL those meetings??? I have NO guaranteed rides, or a babysitter for that matter. These people are just being unreal making it so hard to try to get help that it almost seems they're trying to make me give up and go home! Is it worth all this to try and be sober? I feel like I am being punished although I am only hurting myself in reality.

So it comes down to:

A - Insurance will cover the one with 6 mandatory meetings a week (that is completely unrealistic for ANYONE with a life, especially here in NC where there is NO GAS to be bought!!!)
-OR-
B - Pay out of pocket (which is what I think they are trying to push me towards - greedy bastards!) and attend ONE meeting a month which is totally doable. The money part? It'd be the same as my habit...


I feel even more awful for STILL squatting here whining about this mess. I hate I am polluting everyone's environment with my negativity. I wish it was as easy as just "get over it", oh how I wish. Or closer to wishing to just be put out of my misery, feel free. But I AM so grateful for any words left at all. Thank you giant hearted people. Thank you.

~Anonymous
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Anonymous said...

you are the only other person i've "met" that knows that vicodin gives some people more energy. i wonder why it has this reverse effect on some users.

dawn said...

Please don't discount methadone. I have known people that this has worked wonders on. Yes, you may have to take it for years, but you can function like a normal person and not be addicted to vicodin anymore. Methadone might work great for you.

Anonymous said...

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I dunno, some people are just like that I guess. Different types of meds react differently on them. My Mom figured it out early on when the Dr gave her codeine to give me, and I stayed up ALL night rearranging the silverware drawer. Benadryl has the same effect. My niece is the same way too. She got a shot at the ER a year ago and was WIRED!!! My hubby and son though, pass straight out off of these types, like *most* people I know.


The Methadone thing - I'm not totally ruling it out, I actually have some here at my house in hiding, but after what I saw it did to my very dear neighbor a few months ago scared me quite a bit. He took his regular prescribed dose and passed out behind the wheel almost killing himself AND the dog! He is actually in the hospital right now recovering from the colostomy bag reversal from that accident.
I have researched both Methadone & Suboxone and they both have their cons. Suboxone is actually used to get off Methadone! Methadone gets into your bones weakening them. Suboxone, if taken longer than 2 or 3 months, is just as addictive or possibly more than your drug of choice and the withdrawals can last just as many months or even a year!
The methadone though, that would require me to go to a clinic every single day to get my dose. I'm not looking for something like that as one day I'd like to have a normal life and possibly a job! I am glad it has helped others though. I just don't want to get stuck in that cycle.

~Anonymous

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Anonymous said...

Wow.

You should start a blog of your own and paste a little Pay Pal button there for help.

THEN when some of these kind people slip you a couple of bucks you are obligated to take their gift and get clean.

Really, start a blog of your own. You just might help someone else through this one day.

And it's good therapy.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Anonymous said...

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ANONYMOUS HERE! Just wanted to stop in and say hi and I am HAPPILY on day 28 of sobriety and it just keeps getting better and better every single day!

Good news is always good to hear, right? =)

I truly believe without all the love & encouragement I would NOT be where I am today! Thank you a million times, from me, and especially from my kids! They love their happy mommy and our house is SO much more peaceful - the way it ought to be!

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Anonymous said...

Day 40 and happier every single day!

I just had to come by here and shout that out, this place has become a milestone that I can look back on and be SO proud to see how far I've come!

Thank you AGAIN to all the kind peoples!!! =)

Anonymous said...

WOW, I can't believe I was ever even here, but today is day ***125***!!!!!!

Every once in a while I come back here to read to remember where I've been and enjoy where I've come to. I am SO happy to be free from those demons and am loving my "new" life more and more every single day! And of course none of this would have been possible without Catherine's special place and all the loving people who frequent here. Thank you ALL again & again!

Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you!! It sounds like you've gone through hell and back but keep climbing...you can do it!