Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Fear Of Failure

Posted by Anonymous

Sometimes I think I am the worst mother ever. Now, I know that isn't really true. I have never hit my son. I have yelled at him, but not often. I try, I really do, to be a good mom. I love my son. I love him so very much.

But. . .

Isn't there always a but?

I get annoyed sometimes and just wish he'd go away. I want his whining to stop. I want him to accept that no means no. I want him to grow the fuck up. I feel so impatient and annoyed sometimes that I just want to hide somewhere so nobody could find me. He knows how to push my buttons and delights in doing so. It's been worse since my husband and I separated. Of course it has. My son is acting out because of his frustration and fear about the situation. I am less patient than usual because of the demands that have increased since I became a single mom.

Finances are tighter than tight, so tight in fact that I've considered asking my husband for a reconciliation. I know that isn't the right answer. I feel how much less tension there is in the house without him here. Most of the time my son behaves better than when his dad was living here, except those times when the outbursts happen, when he has his emotional meltdowns that are so much the source of my frustrations.

Sometimes I just don't know where to turn. It has been years since I had to be independent and stand on my own. I am scared, afraid that I am going to fail as a mom and as an independent individual. What if I can't do this? What if I fail? What will become of me and my son?


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I don't know what it feels like to be in your position, but I know what it feels like to have nothing left to give and miles to go before you sleep.

At one point in my life, when I was very sure that I was in over my head and destined for failure, I got a fortune cookie that said: "you can do everything you ought to do". I still have it.

You can do everything you ought to do too. I don't think you will fail. There may be mistakes, missteps, hurdles, roadblocks, but I believe in you. You knew you needed some support, and a release, and you did what you ought to do- you called on us. That tells me that you're capable of figuring it out and making it work. If you need to talk to someone locally who can make some financial resources available to you, then do that. Don't suffer in silence.

Karen Bodkin said...

First, you are not alone. Every mother, whether she will admit it or not, has felt that way at some point.
Not knowing how old your son is, it's difficult to give any advice, but this is what has been working for my four year old in the absence of his father (his Dad works out of town all week, home on weekends): I take away things he loves. Teddy bears, favorite toys, whatever. Then he has to earn them back. It's amazing how quickly he caught on.
I hope it gets better for you - be consistent, the rest will come.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate with the child thing and feeling like you just want to run away and hide. They have a direct link to our buttons because they are literally part of us and were installed at birth!

I am so sorry about the financial struggles, it is the most common reason for people to NOT get divorced! So many people live miserable lives married just because they can't afford to pay for divorce and/or financially live on just one income. But if you feel better and happier not living with him, then that is priceless. I am one of those women who could not and can not afford it and often wish I could do the right thing and not worry about the money part.

Though it may take some foot work, there are many resources available to single women to help them and I hope you can find the help you need for you and your son.I pray you find the strength to make it through, and find your peace and happiness you so deserve!

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate. I have been a single mom for over two years now. At first, my daughter behaved just like your son. She was angry and confused (she was 5 at the time) and I felt like she was taking it out on me, because she would be "perfect" when she saw her dad. I think kids act the worst for the parent they trust the most. I know that doesn't make it any easier. And I know how hard it is to have that financial burden as well. I kept the house so it would disrupt my daughters life any further, and my mortgage payment is 3/4 of what I bring home in a month. You will make it. It might feel like you won't, but you will. You were strong enough to make the right decision regarding your marriage, and you are strong enough to get through this. Don't feel like you have to be superwoman. Do what needs to be done and nothing more, until you feel up to it. Good luck!

Candy said...

The above commenter said something about kids acting up with the parent they trust the most, and I think nothing is more true.

The answer to "Why does my son behave so badly?" is...because he can. Because you are his safe place to land. Even if you don't think you are right now. He knows that, in you, he has unconditional love and he can act out with you and it will be ok.

On the other side of this, I was once, when my own kids were younger, watching a show about a child who had been abused, or something like that, and it was at the end of a day when I felt I had done nothing but yell and say no, and wish I had never had children. The kids were both in bed and I felt compelled to go in, wake them both up, apologize for my own faults and kiss them back to sleep. They don't remember that, but I do.

The other day, my daughter, who is now 18, thanked me for raising her well. For not always giving in and for not making her think she could simply do whatever she wanted and or have whatever she wanted. There have been lines, and they haven't always been well communicated. She's grown up into a person who I am proud of. Even if there were times I wish I was childless. I think we all go through that, Anon. There's only so much to give, without getting back.

Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

I've been a single mum my son's whole life. Once you get in the swing of it, get yourself into a rhythym and work out what works for you, you'll find it much easier. You just have to look at the positives and do it with a smile.

It must be so hard for kids when parents split up. I guess it was much easier for my son because it's all he's ever known.

How old is your son? People don't give kids enough credit most of the time. Is he old enough to sit down and talk too? If he's over 5 or so, sit down with him, expain why what he does makes mummy sad and cross. That you're sad too that daddy doesn't live there but that's how life is. That you hope he knows that he can tell you when he's sad, and that you can tell him. Most kids react really well to being treated like a grown up, like they have an opinion and that you really are listening. I guess a kid could feel ignored while all the cr*p's going on?

Keep your chin up, single parenthood isn't as bad as many people make out. You'll become a strong, confident mother. It's taken me 3 years so far but I swear it's worth every tear and tantrum.

CheekySweetie said...

I was a single mom from ages 16 to 24. Yup, I was that blight on society-a teen mom. *chuckle* You are absolutely right, it is *really flipping hard* and no one who hasn't been there would understand-except those who aren't single, but have absent spouses. But, it does make you stronger than you ever thought you could be.

You are the safe one to act out with. You won't ever leave. You won't ever stop loving him. You won't ever stop trying. Even when you feel like you can't take any more, somehow, you will pull it out of yourself and take another step.

Financially, the thing that is saving my family from financial implosion is cutting our grocery bill using thegrocerygame. Don't want to spam, so google it if you are interested. I am saving an average of 50% on groceries, health and beauty, cleaning, and household goods using the service.