Thursday, October 23, 2008

My Secret Past

Posted By Anonymous.

Alright, I have to confess. A few months ago I was searching something online and came across a link that lead to another link to lead to a blog. Then I was hooked. I clicked on blogs after blogs. How I wished I could do this. How I wished I could go online and air my secrets. Then just today I stumbled across this site. It took me no time at all to know I was going to post.

I know you are suppose to look around first and make sure what you are about to post will not offend anyone. (I think you are?) But my fingers are aching to type. To type this secret. To get it out there. So here it is.

I am a mommy. I am a mother of a 20 year old son, a 17 year old son and a daughter that is 14. I have been married happily at times for 18 years. And I also was a high paying escort for 9 of those years. Yes that is a pretty name for prositute or charging whore. ( I just had to pause to read that statement. Just to see it on this screen is sending mixed emotions already)

I stopped escorting 2 years ago. I thought everything would fall back to its place. But I was wrong. Very wrong. Don't get me wrong, when I was escorting I made sure my kids had EVERYTHING. All of my money went on them and my husband. And yes, before you all ask he knew. I guess I felt guilty for doing it so I couldn't even imagine spending it on me. We went on trips, had the best clothes, toys etc. But it was at a cost. The cost being, I lost myself. At first I loved LOVED the attention. To know that guys thought I was so hot that they would actually pay me high dollars just to spend time with me. When in reality, all they cared about was getting sucked, fucked or whatever.

When I turned a trick, I was under a different name, a different personality. I made her up the first time I went to a shady motel and met some guy. A nameless, faceless guy. I had the whole story of my life made up. If they asked, I had this life down pat. I knew what to say. Somehow my mouth would open and out would pour the lies. I was great at it. Never got mixed up on my stories once. But the problem is that I lived being her for some many years that my true self started to fade. And pretty soon I didn't even realize the voice that came out or the face that I saw as I past the mirror. I was the life of the party though. Everyone wanted to spend time with 'what's her face." But now that I turned my life around and started on a new track.... I am finding it so hard to find me again. And if truth be told, sometimes I miss the chick that turned those tricks. She was fun. She knew how to have fun, she was always happy, she knew what to say and how to say it. She was confident and made you feel at home. Now I am stuck with just me and not very happy with just me. I find now I don't know what to say to people and I don't feel so confident.

I could go on and on with this story. But I just wanted to get this out there. I know many will judge, many will have their mouths open, many will want to know more details. All is fine. I have lived with all of those for years. I am really not wanting anything. All I wanted to do was to get my fingers busy and type this secret.

Hoping to find my true self soon.


Emmie {orange + barrel} said...

I applaud you for putting it out there. I think a lot of people are trying to find their true self in the situations we find ourselves in. Good luck in your journey and I am sure that you'll find that you are a great person.

Mr Lady said...

I freaking APPLAUD you for even having the guts to TYPE that.

We all do what we feel like we have to do. Sister, I wouldn't judge you.

Thanks for sharing a piece of your story. I hope it helped a little.

Kat said...

WOW. Good for you for typing it. I have a good friend who was an "escort" for years pre-marriage and kids. She told me once we started becoming close friends because she didn't want me to think she was something she wasn't - some perfect person. I loved her for telling me. I loved her for deciding to change her life. Doing that, and telling - those are brave. Bravery is admirable.

Keep looking, you're in there somewhere.

moosh in indy. said...

AMAZING story. I'd love to hear the more. I think that a lot of us miss the "fun girl" inside of us, I know I had one for a long time and a lot of other women never had a "fun girl" and are afraid she'll come screaming to the surface when they hit their 40's.
I hope you feel better and know that there is a crazy cool community out here that will embrace you no matter what dirty secrets you have.
Believe me, I know.

Maggie said...

Amen to Moosh in indy. I lived a pretty wild life before "settling down" and sometimes I too miss that girl who was the life of the party. Being able to live that life while also having that part of myself who was wholesome mother of the year would be tough to give up. Try to bring a little of your bad girl persona into your "new" life - you ARE both of those women after all.

Loralee Choate said...

You are one brave lady. I hope you find yourself.

Anonymous said...

I too would love to hear more...wish you did have a blog or that I knew about it.

When I read this I kept thinking I could insert my own career (in the financial sector something you wouldn't expect I'm sure) and I feel the exact same as you do. Same exact way. What's up with that?

Vicki said...

OMG!! I can totally tell you how to have your "bad girl side" and still be a wholesome mother too. Your hubby would have to go along with it though. Plan an overnight date night out together at least once a month. Dress up in your hottest outfit. Meet your hubby in a bar or other place that you like to get together. Flirt with each other like crazy and have fun. Dance, drink, do what makes you happy together. Then go to a nice hotel for the night and get as kinky as you like. Get up the next morning/afternoon and head home knowing you had the time of your life. And then spend time reminding each other of that night at home and planning for the next crazy night out together. You really can keep your naughty side. You just have to get creative.

Anonymous said...

Well I have to say that I put off coming back to this site once I heard my post was published. Because I just knew the comments would not be good. But I couldn't wait out anylonger (a whole and was so surprised. You all made me feel like I was not an outcast. So thank you for that.

And the post really wasn't about how to have my bad girl side and be a mom. Its how to deal with my past and come out whole. When you work underground for that many years, some of us split off from reality. I believe at times you have to split or you would not be able to do the things you do. Thankfully though that over the years of working a very dangerous job, I never got hurt physically. I think I was using them as much as they were using me. I dunno. (shrug)

To some I am still considered the wild one. My husband and I have welcomed a few close friends into our bedroom. We have had the threesomes, foursomes and so on. We talk dirty to each other, we do go out on dates often now that the kids are grown, we have a trunk full of toys that are under lock and key, we have made videos for us to enjoy and so on. I was like that before my job came along. But what is different now is that eventhough sexually I am still wild, I feel something is not right. What? I have not a clue. But on a journey to find out.

Its gotten better over time. At first I felt everyone staring at me. Like I had a red X printed on me. Whore. Or I thought I would hear people talking about my past or so on. I would even bump into 'my clients' when I was out at the stores and such with their wives.

I birthday was a few days ago, I am now 38 and determined to find myself this year.

Wish me luck and again, thank you for listening.

Her Bad Mother said...

*I* certainly wish you luck. And I didn't take your post as addressing a longing for your bad girl side - I read it as a prayer (of a sort, maybe wish is a better word?) for wholeness, for peace with who you were and who you are and who you might be.

That you are so reflective about this bodes well for you. And I, like others, would love to hear more about your journey, if you ever want to write about it again. Because although most of us probably can't relate directly to your specific experience, I htink that most of us have secret selves, past selves, hidden selves that we don't know how to reconcile with who we are now or who we want to be.

Please stay in touch? But either way - best of luck and strength to you.


Anonymous said...

WOW. I bet a couple of shrinks would love to get inside your head and maybe write a paper or two about you.

I hope you do find your true self. Good luck on your journey.

Anonymous said...

hugs to you!
thanks so much for telling your story, it was riveting!

flutter said...

The fact that you are in search of yourself just shows how brave, how aware and how wonderful you are.

People have done worse, and do worse every single day. You, are this glowing light, there is no shame in that.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely no judgement here. Definitely admiration for your ability to be so open about this (yes, even if it is an anonymous post). Absolutely in awe that you're still able to have the fulfilling sex life you want while still maintaining some stability (? -- maybe not the right word there). My husband and I used to open up our bedroom to a select few others once in awhile before we were married, and wanted to continue, but then we had a baby and still barely have time for each other, let alone making things more "exciting". Maybe when my son gets older....

Anonymous said...

(Same person again. Hi.) Also hoping for you that you find yourself again. I lost myself at some point before I quit school, and am also working to get "me" back.

Suki said...

We're all trying to find ourselves, and I believe that most of us have spent some years of our lives doing things that took us away from ourselves - things that we might regret. I've done my share over the past four years, and it's only this year that I'm stepping into my own shoes. It hasn't been easy, but it sure feels good!
Kudos to you for taking this step. You're such a strong lady :). One thing I'd suggest to you is to try and talk/write about how you feel - preferably talking to a counsellor or some friends who listen more than they speak. It's helped me a great deal, it might help you too. In fact you can start blogging anonymously too. Maybe we from the Basement won't find and read you, but some will. and for every troll, you'll find at least twenty decent people.
Thank you for trusting us with this, even anonymously!

Anonymous said...

Here is something interesting to me. When I write about something that I am conflicted about and then hit the post button, that issue is often then gone for me, or at least the bothersomeness of it is gone for me. It is kind of like purge an overstuffed clothes closet of things I will NEVER wear. It really contributes to peace for me. Sometimes I have to think really hard to remember the issue I had with something, it is that far gone for me. Meanwhile, working on finding out who I really am...that seems like a life long process that gets a whole lot easier with age.

Anonymous said...

You won't hear me calling you a whore. You're now realizing that you defined yourself based on your work, and now that your work is gone, you don't know what to do. It doesn't matter what kind of work it was. People who get laid off, make a career shift, or make a major lifestyle change sometimes feel the way you do. Find the parallels and leave your self-judgment behind. You can move forward when you do.

H Oh said...

When I was, pregnant all four times, I would say, "It took nine months to get this way it'll take at least that to put it back."

It's funny how changing yourself is kind of the same thing. It is such a slow process to find yourself, your soul, your voice. I started looking for a better more productive self many years ago and I still trudge on sometimes feeling like I've not gotten anywhere.

It's slow, it's awkward, but it can be done. We do what we do and we move on, that's just the way it is. There's no shame in it!

Good luck!