Monday, October 20, 2008

Cheat

Posted by Anonymous.

I cheated on my husband 4 days ago.

Two weeks before our 10th anniversary.

We agreed before we got married that if one of us cheated, it would be the end of our relationship. As many times as I've said that I'm going to run away from home, I can't bring myself to do it. I realize that I could be in a lot worse situation - at least he doesn't drink, or beat me, or run around with other women. But I'm tired of being last on his list. Everyone and everything else in his life comes before me and the things that need to be done at home. If his one of his buddies calls or one of his parents call, he will drop everything he is doing and run right over to the house. But I can't get him to run the vacuum, help me keep the house clean, walk the dogs, fix the dryer - NOTHING. And if it isn't his family or friends taking precedence, it's that damn computer game that he plays during every free moment that he has. Even if he only has 15 minutes before he leaves for work, instead of spending that time with me, he's out there shooting with his online 'friends'. When I fall asleep in the chair in the evening while he plays with his online 'friends', he tells me that's why I don't get any attention. It's all my fault, all the time. If only I'd stay awake, then he would be happy to take me to bed - when he's done playing. He tells me that I don't understand how difficult I am to wake up. Jeebus, man, I'm freakin' tired after working all day and then coming home and having to take care of everything that needs to be done here. Once I'm asleep, I don't want to be bothered until the alarm goes off the next morning. Maybe if you'd pay some attention to me and engage me in some conversation instead of ignoring me, I wouldn't be so prone to falling asleep early all the time. Maybe if you weren't just one more thing that needs to be taken care of around here, I wouldn't feel the need to seek out someone who will pay attention to me.

Over the past 16 years, he has had and lost his fair share of jobs. After the last job loss and no good prospects in sight, we made the decision for him to go to college and take an accelerated program where he could earn a Bachelor's Degree in 3 years. We're now in year 7 of that 3 year plan and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. He's got a job, but I'm still paying all the bills, including his car payment. I have made so many personal and financial sacrifices in order to help him succeed and he doesn't appreciate any of it. I supported him financially the first couple years he was in school so that he could concentrate on getting good grades. We lost our place to live and I had to stay with his dad for a short time. All the while, he got to stay in nice hotels because there was no student housing available. Even though he knew how miserable I was being in that house with his father, he still wouldn't get a job to support himself so that I could put my money towards a new place to live. I ended up taking out a loan to cover my moving expenses just to escape from that hell. Then, when he did finally get a job, it was a 3rd shift position and that was his excuse for his grades falling. There won't be any children because it's too embarrassing [his exact words] for him to go to the fertility doctor and see if he is part of the problem. But it was okay for me to undergo every embarrassing and awful test and procedure out there to see if I was the one with the problem. And he's content to let me be the reason why we can't have kids. One more thing to add to the list of things that are all my fault. Some days I feel like such a failure as a woman because I can't bear him children, but I realize now that being unable to have kids is a blessing in disguise. It will be a lot easier to decide who gets the dogs than who gets the kids.

So, now I've hooked up with an old lover. I've only kicked it with him the one time and I don't know if it will happen again. The sex was weird, awkward, and boring. The whole encounter was surreal and totally lacked any semblance of passion. He laid on me, wiggled around for a minute or two, then jumped up off me, apologized for 'going early', said something about needing a hot shower, and left the room. I laid there on his bed for a moment and wondered what the hell just happened. Then I realized that he had 'gone early' on me [ew] and I really could use a hot shower myself. However, I had to make do with a quick toilet paper whorebath in the guest bathroom and hoped to make it home in time to get a real shower before my husband came home. This guy wouldn't look me in the eye afterwards, kept finding little things to keep him preoccupied so that he didn't have to deal with me, and the day ended with us both reminding each other to be careful on the road as we went our separate ways. It was all so very strange. Not at all what I imagined. I really don't know if I want there to be a next time. It's a lot of work to get out of the house and keep the story straight so that I can stay out late when my husband is used to me always being around and never going out. And I'm not sure it's worth all the work.
A really strange result of this encounter is that I have been insatiable all week. I have had to have my husband again and again and again. Of course he doesn't mind, but I wonder if it is all because deep down, I feel guilty or remorseful. I don't feel like I feel either one of those, but maybe deep deep down they're there. I know that he thinks sex makes everything better. Am I just subconsciously trying to keep him happy so that he doesn't suspect anything? I wonder if in some strange way, this encounter with the old lover showed me the true value of what I have at home and that I have to keep trying to make it work - no matter what.

20 comments:

Amy said...

I know that what I'm reading here couldn't possibly be the whole story, but from where I sit, the only thing I can say is LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!

Don't look back.

Hugs,
Amy

Kandee said...

OMG! Leave! You think you need to be hit to have a bad relationship? This guy is not a partner with you. This is not a relationship. This is parenting: doing everything and getting (maybe) a thank you afterward...years down the road. RUN. Or maybe, slowly resolve your feelings, come to realization that this is not working, then leave.

Anonymous said...

I'm no expert, and like the first commenter, I haven't heard the other side of the story. But if it's really as you say it is, then I have the following thoughts.

1. Thank GOD there are no children.
2. The affair sounds like it was something you did maybe out of anger or spite or frustration or whatever. Now that you know it won't really solve your problems, it's probably best not to do anything like that again, at least for the short term.
3. While you could be in a worse situation with a husband who beat you or run around, if you think the fact that he doesn't do these things means he's a good husband, then I feel sorry for you. IF he is like you say he is, then he's an immature, selfish asshole who doesn't deserve you.

Me? I'd leave, just like the others suggested. You have no idea how lucky you are that you could actually leave him with nothing more to fight over than who gets the dogs. You've got a job, you're self supporting, and there are no children to complicate matters.

Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Candy said...

I'm seconding Amy. What's keeping you in this relationship. And please don't say "But I love him..." If those words even pop into your head, your next time should be, "No. I love the idea of him."

Anonymous said...

If the relationship you have with this man ever was a marriage (which I doubt)...it certainly isn't any longer. This is co-dependence. It is unhealthy and stunted. He sounds very immature...as do you. It's time for you to acknowledge what you already know and get on with YOUR life...Leave.

Anonymous said...

When you decide that you're worth it, you'll leave. I hope for your sake that this happens soon.

Catherine said...

LEAVE. For your life.

Anonymous said...

I've done the same thing in a similar relationship. I'm still in mine and we have a child. I want to leave, but I feel trapped. Get out. I know it's hard, but it sounds like it's over. At least get counseling.

Crazed Mom said...

You deserve a man who appreciates you, for who you are. Not for how well you can support him. You might not believe this, but you really deserve much better!

Terri said...

if you are truly that unhappy with him and he is that much of a loser all these years later, don't waste your time justifying the affair. I believe you should have made the decision before you were unfaithful. Now you are just more confused and you get to add guilt to the plethura of emotions. Separate and get counseling, if that doesn't work, divorce. Do something other than be unfaithful.

Tiffi33 said...

leave.
leave and LEARN what to not do next time..
you have been dragging him thru life & getting little if anything back.
thank GOD you have no kids..
leave and find a man who wants you and appreciates you.

bird1427 said...

I have been where you are now except I held on for 21 years. If the relationship isn't working and you aren't happy, then have the courage to say so and leave. You can't make someone else happy and you can't make someone else love you. You can only make yourself happy. You deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you and appreciates you and wants to be a partner with you. You deserve happiness. Don't beat yourself up over the affair. It happens. It's not the end of the world. It's a sign, a wake-up call if you will. It takes two people to make a relationship work and it sounds as if your husband doesn't understand what it takes to make a team, to make an "us". Find someone who will....even if it means you have to be alone for awhile.

Anonymous said...

you deserve better and you deserve to be happy. you won't find that while you are still married. I think you need to leave. if you don't want to do that, maybe try counseling first to see if you can work it out. don't spend your life how you are now. It would be such a waste. I wish you all the best!

LAVANDULA said...

your husband is a big child.you are not resposible for him.having said that you stated that you 2 had a pact that if one cheated that you would separate. i think you subconciously decided that you've had enough and that is your out.but now you are racked by guilt.don't be .things happen. as for that other man he was just convenient because you know him.if you do love your husband then maybe try counselling because he needs to appreciate all that you do and he is just taking advantage of you.if you don't love him then give yourself permission to leave.it will all work out in the end.

Anonymous said...

as others have said, I obviously do not know the full extent of the situation, but it sounds like you both have some issues that have contributed to this ill-functioning relationship.
He doesn't sound like a good husband, but you have also allowed him to take advantage of you. You have the power to say no! When you were living at his father's place and he at hotels, since you made the money you could have made the decision that your were simply not going to support his high living expenses because it was encroaching on your needs.

If you learn how to stand up for yourself and take responsibility for yourself and your well being, he may step up to the plate. That means letting him falter, telling him, for example, that he'll have to find a way to pay for his car. Can't do it? Look into a bike or public transportation. I know I sound harsh, but he needs to grow up and you, I think, need to let him.

I have had problems like this in the past, but I've decided that when people walk all over me like a doormat, it's my fault too because I let them. So I don't anymore. And people respect that.

If you attempt to set up these boundaries and limits and consequences and he can't step up like a grown man, then it's time to reconsider this marriage.

And cheating again is probably not a good idea. Maybe it would be helpful if you found something else to do with your time, like new friends (or old friends), a hobby, a sport, something to make your life more interesting and complete.

Joann said...

1. Please do NOT let yourself get pregnant. I know it seems like you may have some fertility issues, but still. A baby right now would be awful.

2. Leave your husband.

3. See a counselor.

Your new life begins now.

Anonymous said...

From what you wrote, I would have had an affair too.

You have your answer. Go find peace and happiness.

H Oh said...

Been there, with two different men though.

I suggest you print this out and fork it over to him. I dare ya.

How many times I have heard my husband giggling like a school girl at what his 'online friends' wrote and I wanted to choke him.

He's an all right guy, it's been almost ten years, I think we were made for each other but I like you wish he would get off his ass a little more often.

I have learned this about men and women, men need to have things spelled out to them women have trouble doing that. We hint and beat around the bush and it just doesn't work. Maybe you could write him a letter, leave out the part about your escapade, and ask him to kindly sleep on the couch until he gets it. It'll be hard to do but you obviously still want him around so try to fix it?

Let us know how you make out with this, I hope you can enrich your life and save yourselves!
((cyber hugs))

Kate said...

Just found this. While my situation is not quite the same, there are parts here that sound familiar to me.

You have to think about you, and what you want, and it sounds like what you have isn't it.

Take it from someone who knows.

Anonymous said...

I could have written this, verbatim, five years ago. Three years ago, after 12 months of counseling and countless hours of working on 'us' by myself, I called it off.

There are times I've been lonely, there are times I've been sad, but I've never been as lonely and sad as I was while I was married since I've been single.

Take care of yourself.