Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Give Me Some Credit

Posted by Anonymous.

I continually fight with myself to not flip out on my friends or family members when it comes to taking care of a child. I have taken care of children since I was six *with parental supervision of course* and I went to a babysitting course, and got my first aid to give immediate care if needed, I've babysat nearly 30 different children from newborn to 12. YET for some freaking reason when asked for my advice on some matter, they never seem to actually listen, do whatever was said, or even go as far as giving me the credit. I can't take it anymore and I can't believe how they treat me just because I personally don't have a child.

DO NOT sit there and say I don't know what I'm talking about.. I DO, I do know what you're going through. JUST because I am just a babysitter and NOT a mother does NOT mean I don't know what you're going through or that I don't know what I'm doing. I have to know what I'm doing, or OBVIOUSLY I wouldn't be a babysitter, and I wouldn't have all this trust from all these parents.

You have no problem asking me to babysit, do you? NO, because you ask me whenever you can. So don't sit there and ignore what information i have to offer WHEN YOU ASK FOR IT,
just because of the sheer fact that I'm not a mother. And if I'm babysitting your child from 7am to 6pm in my home and I tell you I've been telling your child not to touch something like a cord or a dvd, DO NOT sit there and let them play with them! Especially when you're living in MY HOUSE.

And HOW DARE YOU say I don't know what you're going through when I'm the one
spending everyday 4-5 days a week with them. That's MORE than what you did and you're his mother. HE LEARNED TO SPEAK FROM ME! HE LEARNED TO CRAWL FROM ME! and he started to learn to walk from, yeah you guessed it... ME! ME! ME! So to all those people who say I don't know shit.. FUCK... YOU.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You love the children you take care of and it is hard when that love goes unacknowledged. One of my hardest realizations as a mother was learning that people are different. My husband and I love our children and discipline them in different ways. My daycare provider loves and disciplines my children in a way that isn't quite the way that I do it. This does not make one way better than the other. It is just makes it DIFFERENT. It is hard when advice isn't taken, but just because someone asks my advice doesn't mean they have to take it. They may do things differently than I do and may not find merit in my suggestion. I'm sorry you are in a situation like this. I wish there as an easy way to fix it.

Anonymous said...

I'm not just an angry babysitter....these are my friends. It's already fixed lol i don't babysit for them anymore, and i don't offer suggestions when they ask advice anymore. *with the one friend at the end there...she's still an idiot* And i'm not just saying like omg she doesnt listen to me, she does it her own way crap. She's just a down right idiot when it comes to being a mother and thats all there is to it. This isnt about me being an angry babysitter, it's about my friends who have kids being complete retards when it comes to children and not respecting me and my wishes in my own home.

And 20$ a day for 12 hours or more a day, isnt payment enough, no matter how much i love my nephew

Anonymous said...

I thought I knew everything too when I was a babysitter. There's nothing like motherhood to teach you all that you don't know.

I think this is the hard thing about daycare. Daycare providers DO often spend more time w/ kids than parents...but parents PAY you to do a job and therefore remain in charge. That, and they're the parents.

Attitudes like yours are one of the reasons I work so hard to stay home with my kids.

Anonymous said...

I don't think they don't listen to you because you don't have kids. I think they don't listen because they want to believe they're the ONLY ones who can possibly know their kids and no one knows them better than they do, blah, blah, blah. Also, if you know something about their kids that they don't, well that would be like them admitting that they're not good parents.

Hey, I have two kids, so I know a few things, but as far as giving advice, I never give it, because people inevitably don't listen to it anyway. Their kid is always "different" and therefore generalized advice couldn't possibly apply to them.

Do yourself a favor. If they ask for your advice, tell them you don't have any to give. Saves you energy and frustration. As for your nephew, if his parents aren't disciplining him properly in YOUR home, either do it yourself or tell them to get out.

Anonymous said...

I was the best darn parent in the world for years...

...and then I had children of my own.

Turns out I wasn't. But that doesn't mean I still don't know my kids better than anyone else.

Anonymous said...

attitudes like mine?

so what?? i have to keep my mouth shut and continue to be disrespected by my friends and treated like crap?

I wasn't just sitting there demanding they listen to me. I don't think anyones quite understanding whats being said here. I'm not just a babysitter who thinks she knows absolutely everything. I dont and i know that. But i do keep myself in the know about all there is about children.

My problem, was that they would ask me for advice on shit and i would give them all the knowledge i knew on the subject and they would go and just do something stupid. that was in no way helpful to their child.

My other problem was with my friend that lived with me didnt respect my rules in MY home about what her child was or wasn't allowed to touch. I have every right to be angry about that.

My other problem was that my friends disregaurded whatever i had to say about whatever on a subject they specifically asked me about. Tell me i didn't know what i was talking about or how it felt to be a mom *no i didnt know what it felt like to be a mom, but i did have them for the most part of the day* i know being a mom and being a babysitter is two different things, but it doesnt mean i dont know what there going through.

Thats what i'm saying. Sheeesh all this is basically based on the fact that my friends think im incompetent in the child care department....yet ask me to babysit...

Im pretty sure i have a right to be mad about that.

I dont resent children, i don't hate them, i dont beat them, i dont yell at them. I'm there for them. i take care of them when there parents need to go to work. And i have no problem with that. I have a problem with everything else...which i've already stated

Anonymous said...

I think i need to make myself a little more clear lol. Ok first of all....this happened a while ago and is all resolved.

Second, to my nephew. *having to do with the last part there* I took care of him, throughout the night, and through out the day. While his mother and him stayed with us. It was because i felt i had to, she wouldnt do anything. She would just sit there on her cell phone or the computer while he cried, because he was hungry, or whatever. And anytime my husband or I would suggest she feed him, or put him down for a nap, she would be like oh i guess...and sit there for another hour or more...it was frustrating to see someone be like to their child. And when she did finally decide to feed him or whatever, and he would cry and squirm and throw a fit, she would just put him down and go back to whatever she was doing. like when he was sleeping and woke up crying and wouldnt go back to sleep for her, she would just put him on the livingroom floor *this is at like midnight* and let him play and cry and whatever until like 3 or 4 am and then try it all over again. She just didnt care, but still had the nerve to tell me i didnt know what i was talking about, or how it felt. This is why all that was said was so hurtful to me, because she wasnt a mother to him, she was just there...

But like i said, everythings worked out, and i finally told her how i felt, and what she honestly needed to do for that child before it was too late. And that sitting on her cell phone or the computer..near him..WASNT being there with him. and that when he cries and cries and its dinner time and you get frustrated and cant figure out whats wrong with him...maybe try feeding him rather than ignore him until someone else does something about it.

I felt horrible for saying what needed to be said to her. But it needed to be said. She needed to hear it. To be shown what was going on. Now, she's becoming an awesome mom and im proud of her. And little nephew is so muh happier, he doesnt have to scream his face off for her to realize hes there.

Thats what this rant was about. I know its a vague rant, which is why i felt i needed to say why i said it. So everyone could understand this wasnt just me being a bitchy babysitting friend.

And if people still don't understand, then i really feel sorry for you. Because if i hadn't finally told her that she needed to realize what she was doing, that child wouldn't be with her anymore. Someone had already called SS on her *And NO it wasnt me lmfao...omg thats another rant in itself*

I hope this made a bit more sense to the situation

Anonymous said...

Well if the situation is resolved then what are you ranting for?

Anonymous said...

it was sent a while ago and HBM just put it up today...she's been busy...

Her Bad Mother said...

HBM here: there's sometimes - oftentimes - a lag of some weeks between when a post is submitted and when it's posted. I get a LOT of submissions, and I don't turn anyway, AND I only post every two days, max, so there's usually a backlog. This post was received over a month and a half ago, so, yeah, the current story is probably different.

And please, everyone, remember: be nice. IF you're going to be critical, fine, that's welcome, but be nice about it.

Anonymous said...

You may be a fantastic babysitter, and I don't think anyone's disputing that. But the saying "I was the greatest parent in the world...until I had kids" seems to apply.

Its hard taking advice from someone who thinks they know everything and their way is the only way. Have you considered that maybe your tone is offensive? If your advice was for me and was even half of the tone of this post, I'd be tempted to tell you where to go.

Just try to keep in mind that when someone asks for advice, thats all they want. They don't want a lecture, they don't want judgement, they don't want a know it all. And once you give the advice, its theirs to take and do with as they please. Your advice is not the golden rule for their child.

If they ask you for advice in the future, offer it politely and calmly. If they choose to ignore it, oh well. If they choose to take it, hopefully it was in the best interests of their child, which is all that should matter to you, not credit or recognition.

Em Levy {orange + barrel} said...

As someone who doesn't have children, I understand what you are saying. I worked with kids to put myself through college, and the parents would drop their kids off at 7 am and pick them up at 7 pm. I think it is a frustrating thing to see, and then to get dismissed, because you don't understand because "your not a mother".

On the other hand, because I don't have children I have no idea what the daily stresses are like. I get to go home, and sleep. Everyone has set plans for their kids, and it's hard to convey that dream/goal plan to someone else.

I think it's a fine line...but if someone is living in your home and you are getting paid less than minimum wage, I think the best thing to do is just to remove yourself from the situation, because the relationship is probably toxic.

Anonymous said...

Vanessa- None of my suggestions when asked for advice on things was every said in a know it all way, rudely or anything. And i don't doubt that it seems like i have an attitude or anything on here... But i honestly think it's rediculous for anyone to base an opinion on just this rant. I wish i didn't send it to HBM or at least had the whole drawn out story to go with it. Because i feel like no one quite understands what i tried to say in that rant or the one trying to shed some light on the old rant lol

Anonymous said...

I think that even if you were a mother they wouldn't listen to you because as mothers we sometimes feel that we know how to handle the situation, and we don't care what anyone else has to say, whether they are the babysitter or another mother.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad your sister is getting herself together as a parent.

When children are involved, boundaries can become unclear. In your house, if certain things are off limits, then it's your right to keep them that way.

Nobody wants to be told what to do. Advice can be taken or not taken, it's up to the recipient. If you do not like the fact that people do not follow your advice, I think it is good that you have stopped giving advice.

Louisa Claire said...

Ok, I'm sorry to interrupt but I thought the point of the Basement was to have a safe place to get things off your chest and to be supported by fellow bloggers? The comments by a couple of the Anonymous' (can't quite see how many, maybe 2 people?) have been quite rude and aggressive from the first and I think that's really unhelpful and inappropriate.

I am sure that if it were you sharing an issue you would want some empathy and understanding. I didn't think the Basement was a place where you had to be completely reasonable isn't that the point? To be honest, you've put me off ever wanting to share here if that's the treatment you get when you're vulnerable and don't say things in the right way.

On a personal note, I have been a non-parent working with children & families and am now a mother to a little girl. Someone asked me the other day my thoughts/approach had changed since my little girl had been born and my honest answer was "not really". I have a MUCH greater appreciation of the demands of being a parent and I do think that's probably something you can't fully understand/appreciate until you have children BUT my thoughts about parenting haven't changed and my approach to parenting and family hasn't changed. In fact, I believe my training pre-kids was really helpful for this season of life, so let's not dismiss "the babysitter" too quickly.

I really hope that the discussion and feedback going forward can be a little more gracious.

Anonymous said...

OMG Thank YOU Louisa!!!

I had a really hard time trying to put some light on the subject...and i felt angry and defence about even putting my post up. Thank you very much for making me feel better about having it posted. And just being understanding and respectful :D

And i hope my training pre-kids is as helpful :D I also feel that i would have a better appreciation when i am a mother

Her Bad Mother said...

Louisa, Anonymous - I do try to maintain the safety of this place as best I can (see my comment above) and monitor comments for nastiness. But it's also a space for constructive feedback, and there are times when it's a difficult call as to whether comments should be deleted or not. BECAUSE most writers want honest feedback, I err on the side of caution, and tend to only delete when comments are outright mean and/or stray from the issue at hand.

There are one or two comments above that tilt in the direction of being perhaps too harsh, but most of those that are critical are pretty gentle. Again, this a safe place, but unless a writer expressly asks me to close comments or moderate very closely, I always assume that gentle criticism is welcome. This is supposed to be a place of friends, and friends tell us when they disagree or have another view, so I don't think that's out of synch with the spirit of the Basement.

That said, I NEVER want anyone to feel badly for having posted, so I am always willing to remove comments or close comments or do whatever it takes to make a writer feel more comfortable. Anon, you just need to say the word.


Anonymous said...

Just a note to say that when my post was published a while back, I felt very bad about some of the comments. I, too, thought this was a place where we could vent and get some support.
I felt bashed and stupid for my feelings.
I learned long ago that if I don't like something I don't have to read it.
so I am taking HBMB off my feedreader.

Her Bad Mother said...

Anon 10:12 - if you felt bashed, you should have e-mailed me. I feel terribly that you or anyone might have had that experience. But I can't know what exactly any one poster wants to get out of the experience of posting here - do they just want unconditional support, or do they want feedback? Are they okay with dissenting opinion, or not? I am happy to moderate comments - or even turn them off - if someone is nervous about responses, but I don't do this automatically because I simply don't have the time.

I can't make sure that everyone has a good experience if I don't know what people's needs are.

Louisa Claire said...

I think maybe the original comments I was referring to have now been deleted. Is that right HBM? I am all for constructive feedback, I just didn't think that the tone of some of those comments was very constructive and unfortunately I think it made all the constructive feedback feel really judgemental (that's how I read it anyway). That was a real shame, I thought.

I just wanted to offer some encouragement to Anon Poster, and in now way want to imply, HBM, that you are responsible for the words of others. You set up the guidelines for the Basement and I think they are pretty clear, and usually work really well.

I am a big fan of HBMB and Anon, please don't write it off because of this bad experience. If I were you I would feel hurt but I hope you can move past it - feel free to drop by my blog later and say "hi". We can enjoy a "virtual cuppa" if you like...

Anonymous said...

~~Writer of this post~~ i felt that some of the commenters were a bit harsh and that i needed to defend myself and tried to clear the picture abit. But it's not going to stop me from asking HBM to post something for me. And yes some were rude or whatever but there was others that made me feel better about it. I think my main problem was that it was already a fixed problem and that i hadnt made myself clear and was harsh in my own wording *but that happens when your mad when your writing it lol* i think the main thing that hurt me was being called exactly what i was fighting against...being called a babysitter...i only referenced my babysitting experience to show i did know what i was talking about, but i guess i should have explained i wasnt trying to force my opinions on my friends, i was helping them when they asked for it, and they just never ended up doing anything about it... but ya lol im gonna stop rambling...

Thanks HBM for having a wonderful place for people to write