Monday, January 12, 2009

Back To My Old Self

Posted By Anonymous.

We dated for two and half years before becoming engaged. I wanted nothing more than to become someones wife. It was seriously the best time of my life, being engaged to you.
Our relationship was full of struggles, but we were happy. You loved me more than I loved myself, you looked after me, you took care of me, you never cheated on me and you cherished me.

As I did you.

And then you told me about your addiction to pain killers. My world crumbled around me.

You went away to rehab leaving me to fend for myself, and I liked it. To have absolute freedom and control over myself and not worrying about anyone else.

Your family never reached out to me to make sure I was OK, and for that, I hated them and knew that if I couldn't depend on these people who were to someday soon be my own family, then I wanted no part of it. Instead, they tried to guilt me into staying with you. You can blame them and not yourself for my decision to leave you.

Two weeks after you moved out, I slept with someone else. It felt absolutely wonderful to get back to the old me - the me who is so fiercely independent, who loves to be desired by other men and gives in on occasion to her lust.

After all is said and done, I think I've come to the realization that I was never meant to be married. And I'm thankful that your addiction was my only way out of our engagement.

But know this, I will never, ever speak ill of you or our situation. You are such a great, kind and gentle human being, who isn't perfect. You made a mistake. I make them all the time.

I will forever love you and am so grateful that I had the opportunity to love someone as much as I loved you and to have that love reciprocated ten fold.

I sincerely hope that you get your act together, find a person who will love you and treat you right. You deserve it.

I know we'll probably never talk again but I think of you every day and the one thought that clouds my mind is if you would have given up on me as quickly as I gave up on you. I know the answer and it kills me. But you have to know that we're better off this way.

And you know as well as I, that I will move on. In some ways I have and I know that's why you don't want to have contact anymore.

I will never regret the decision I made.

7 comments:

katesaid said...

I could have written the first paragraph of this myself. (In fact, in a long-winded way, I did, just today, on my blog.)

I did end up married, but to the Other Guy. And it was a delicate set of circumstances that led to me leaving the Nice Guy... with very little effort, I could have ended up marrying him and never being myself again.

Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas said...

Beautifully written. Touchingly honest. Everything works out the way it's meant to be.

Stephanie N. said...

What I was thinking as I read this post: "I respect you." I respect you for knowing yourself so well. I am glad for you that you will not regret your decision.

Avalon said...

I don't know. I was very moved by this, but I am left uncertain whether or not I respect your decision or find it cruel and selfish. Great writing always leaves room for interpretation.

On one hand, although he never cheated on you with another, he did with his addiction, so I feel you deserved to be happy. On the other, I feel badly that you left while he was so vulnerable and trying to reclaim his life. When he probably needed you the most.

ANTM said...

You may have left him when he was vulnerable but he kept a secret from you. A life changing secret...

You did the right thing. You respected yourself and that is amazing.

pkzcass said...

I'm just glad that you realized it would be a mistake to get married BEFORE you made the mistake. Had he not had to go into rehab, you'd probably be married and writing about how miserable you are right now. So good for you.

And he deserves someone other than you who will love him the way he needs to be loved, so in the end it's better for all concerned.

Anonymous said...

You made the right choice.