Jealous

Posted by Anonymous.

I am smart, kind, and generous. I am loving and lovable. I am a great mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am open-minded, gracious, well-traveled and successful.

My ex-husband is none of those things.

He is, however, jealous of me because of who I am. And because of that, he spent years tearing me down. I was "old and fat and ugly." I was "not fun". I was "dragging him down". I "ruined his life". He mocked my friends, my business, my parenting skills, my brother, my clothes and hair, my weight. He was never proud of me.

And now, when I know he's seeing someone else, started seeing her a few days after he "left my ass"? It makes me crazy. I can't stop thinking about it. And I'm jealous.

Jealous.

I can't believe myself. I know that if this woman is anything like me, if she's as good as I am or better, it's only a matter of time before he starts tearing her down, too. And if she's not, if she's like him, or worse, then what do I have to be jealous of? Let them have each other.

For my kids sake, I hope she's great. I hope she's smart and lovely and kind to them. But I'm stuck in the "why her and not me?" loop. And I really, really, want to get out of it, because GOD he sucked as a husband, and God am I better off now without him and with full custody of our beautiful kids.

I wanted to write this because I wanted to see the things I am in black and white. Because I'm hoping if I say it enough, if I think it enough, that I'll start to believe it.

I don't love my ex. I don't like him. I don't want him back. And I really don't want to care about who he's seeing. I want to move past feeling discarded. I want to know who I am.