Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I Feel Broken

Posted by Anonymous.

Let me give you a little background on my relationship with The Ex. We were together for four years. We have a soon to be 2 year old daughter. For the first couple of years, our relationship was fine. Up until right before I got pregnant, that is. That was the first time he cheated on me. I was devastated, but not yet a believer in the old adage, "once a cheater always a cheater." I forgave. I let it go. All was well for my pregnancy. Then, a month after I gave birth to our daughter, he says he is leaving me. He has met someone and fallen for her. Says he has wanted to leave since before I got pregnant and just decided to try and stick it out. Once again I am crushed. The bottom has fallen out of my world. I am terrified, alone, and a mother. How will I deal with this? I feel desperate. I will do anything if only he would come back to me. Acting so pathetic makes me disgusted with myself, but I do not care. I love him. Lo and behold, suddenly he wants to come home-and so I let him. But there is a catch. He does not break it off with her. I tell myself that this will just be temporary. If only I can stick it out, we can be happy again.

This goes on for weeks. Then months. Before I quite know what has happened, a year and a half has gone by. This woman is still in his life. It's been going on for so long that it almost seems normal to me. Then, again. One night he comes home with a hickey on his neck. I know where he was, and it wasn't with her. There is yet another woman. An old friend of his, whom I had always been friendly with. I realize I am simply a member of his harem. I finally get angry. For some time now I have been harboring a secret lust for my neighbor, K. He knows what is going on with The Ex. Many times he has told me how wrong it is, the way he treats me. He knows I am about at the end of my rope and to my surprise, starts making tentative advances. He drops hints. We have long conversations, sitting outside on the stairs, smoking, late at night when the Ex is with her and my daughter asleep. He is a whole different world from the Ex. He doesn't insult and degrade me.

One night, when the Ex is out for an overnight fishing trip, I invite him in. We spend hours curled up on the couch. Ever so gradually, as if he's scared I will run out of the room if he moves too quickly, he inches closer. There is, finally, a kiss. There is much cuddling. He lets me set the pace and does not pressure me. Eventually, one thing leads to another. It is amazing. I haven't been with anyone but the Ex in 4 years. I had forgotten what it feels like to be with someone that hasn't hurt you so terribly-for it to be easy, and simple, and to have nothing niggling away, reminding you of past hurts. At first I think, this will be it-a one night stand, my private victory over the Ex for all he has done to me. Petty, perhaps, but also cathartic. But a few nights later, a conversation with K, coupled with the fact that I haven't been able to stop thinking about him, changes that. I tell the Ex we are done. I tell him to get his things and leave. He rages. He yells. He cries. He swears he will change, asks what I have to lose by giving him another chance. I think of K. I stand firm. Finally, I have taken a stand. Never did I think I would be strong enough to do this. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

And now, there is K. For a few months, all is well. I am constantly amazed by how much easier things are with him. There are no fights, no screaming, no name calling and no cheating. He treats me as though I am some fragile creature, and he is afraid I will blow away in the wind. He is calm and kindness after anger and chaos. He is amazing, and there is a fiery passion between us that had been missing for far too long in my life. I start to fall in love with him. I feel as though he is safe-I sense none of the coldness or cruelty in him that the Ex had. Being near him centers me, calms me. Whenever he is around I feel as though nothing can touch me. He is safe. He is my courage. Alas, happiness seems to be fleeting. One day, after an offhand remark by him, I realize he is not so perfect. It seems he has problems staying in a long term relationship-not because of cheating, mind you, but because as soon as he starts to feel something real he takes off. He refuses to stay with anyone for long. I am floored again, and tearfully I tell him that if that is the case, then I must cut my losses and go now. I am too close to being head over heels in love with him to wait around for him to bail out on me. I must be the one that walks away. And so with one last hug, I do.

And now, I am afraid. K gave me one thing-he helped me to move on from the Ex. Now there is no longer any danger of me taking him back again. I feel nothing for him but a tired sort of tolerance, in that he must be in my life because of my daughter. But he no longer owns me. But he was so big a part of me, for so long, that I feel strange and empty not loving him. And I am still hurting over K-I let myself feel for him because he seemed safe, I thought he would never hurt me. I know he felt something real too-there is just no way to fake what we had. So I am hurt and confused over how he could just turn his back on it. So, twice heartbroken and wondering what to do, here I sit. I feel so battered down and beaten by everything I've been through, I just can't seem to find any reason to try anymore. Now, I'm not suicidal, don't take it wrong. I just feel like giving up on life. What is the point of risking yourself, of trying to find something, when all it does is turn around and bite you on the ass? Why even try? I am so utterly tired of being hurt, and used, and never good enough for anyone that I feel like I should just slam the door to my feelings closed and throw away the key. I'm sick of giving myself to someone only to be thrown away.

I have my daughter to raise, and I feel as though that should give my life purpose and illumination. But it doesn't. I love my daughter fiercely and completely, I would lay down my life for hers, but that does not automatically make me immune to the trials and tribulations of life. People speak of parenthood as though it should be your one purpose and goal in life, as if you cease to be a person and are merely a child raising automaton the second you give birth. But I am still me. I still have all the same doubts and fears, I still love and still hurt and still wonder what it's all about. I can't help that. But I just can't seem to get back on my feet this time - I don't know how to find the strength to keep trying anymore.


LuLu said...

Don't give up.. keep holding on.

You've clearly been hurt before and might even be hurt again, but giving up will leave you hurting forever.

I'm young, I haven't experienced what you have, but I have had my fair share of hurt and the one thing I have learnt is to be stronger.

Don't let your past dictate your future and never judge someone based on the people in your past.

Things get better.. they almost always do. And, if they don't, at least you'll know you never gave up.

We need to hurt in order to truly appreciate happiness.

Be courageous. Take the bull by the horns and control what happens next. If you hold on, you may still fall off, but get back up again because if you just let go, you'll only be trampled.

LuLu said...

Haha reading over my comment makes me realise that each paragraph sounds like an inspirational quote.

Sorry.. but it's true.

I hope I've inspired you to be strong! :)

gooddog said...

Wow. I am thinking that only putting one foot in front of the other day after day is going to change things. As a mom of 2 I can related to "still being a person, not just a mom". I think that is good. For now though, remind yourself of the example you have set for your daughter- not to settle for anything less than you deserve. Hang in there. Surely with the spring will come some hope.

Anonymous said...

You are a strong person. You were strong enough to leave your ex, and you were strong enough to walk away from another relationship that was not going to be good for you. Remember that! Maybe you need to switch focus to just you and your daughter and not worry about having a relationship right now? Maybe switching the focus to ME and not US is what you need.

Hang in there hun. Things will get better, just maybe not by next week :)

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! I don't throw this out here friviously! I lived through a cheat and divorce and the subsequent relationship. My ex cheated with my best friend of all people so I kind of had the double indemnity clause there. :)
That rebound person (and yes that is what they are) are there for a reason. For me it helped me see reality and made me stronger and able to go on. Just focus on you and your child right now and the rest will fall in place. Promise. I know it seems so dark right now but it does get brighter, it really does!!!

mominhell said...

I have been where you are, and it hurts, but it gets better. The more you hurt without letting someone or something else get you over the hurt is better for you in the long run. Don't avoid your hurt with drugs or alcohol, don't avoid the hurt with another man, don't avoid the hurt by focusing on something else...accept the hurt and embrace it and then you will see your true self take shape again...and be someone better.

It took me three failed relationships with a cheater, a user and a leaver before I realized I have to love myself before anyone can really love me.

sounds sappy, but i promise it is true.


YOU are SO much stronger alone. And this will pass. All this heart break will make you a much better, wiser, stronger person. And when that right person comes along, he will be grateful to have you. And he will come along. And he will admire your strengths and love you fully and unconditionally. Just keep moving forward with your life and raise your daughter to be proud of her mother, because her mother is amazing!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for all the hurt you've been through. Oftentimes the "courage" it takes to leave an abusive spouse is in the form of another man and K was that for you. In your case I think K was a good thing in your life. He was what you needed to get out of a bad relationship, but he may not have been what you needed for your future. I think God puts people into our lives for a reason. Now that you are on your own (and I've been there - divorced with a 6 year old daughter to raise - all you can do, and I say from experience, is to take one day at a time, as cliche as it may sound. There will be times when you think you can't manage a whole day at a time and that's okay... that's when you take it an hour at a time, or a minute at a time if you need to. I hope for the best for you and urge you to be strong and look toward a bright future.

Anonymous said...

I want to say something to you, but I don't know what. How can I offer anything to you, a woman so strong and fierce in the face of what has broken many others?

I do know I want to give you a hug. And I want to say I am in awe of you. For your strength. Your courage. Your determination. Your love for your child. Your sense of self worth. Your demand for something better for yourself.


Hayley said...

I left my ex-husband last year. It was horrible, but I got through it, just like you. I didn't have a painful rebound- I ended up marrying my rebound and I'm so happy- but let me just tell you, you'll be ok. You were strong enough to leave both in the first place. You can get through this. Focus on you, focus on your girl, and something better will find you when you're ready.

Sending you hugs and hope (GAG! Ha ha, but no, I really am.)

Hayley said...

Oops- my advice was an echo of the first Anonymous. Doesn't make it any less true.

Anonymous said...

OK, here's the thing in my opinion. You weren't used by K, you chose to jump in. It didn't work out. But at least he provided the push you needed to let go of that cheating dog and now you're free. That was probably his whole purpose in your life.

Don't look at what you had with K as giving yourself to someone and getting screwed, that's not what it was. Most relationships won't work out, only a few are going to last. That's real life.

Hope you're in a better place since you wrote this. I do understand how you feel...I also know it's probably a result, at least partly, of investing too much of yourself in being with someone else. There's so much more to our lives that is worthwhile than that. Trust me. So hurt over it, and then move on. That's how it works. And learn to love being on your own, because when you do...there is nothing like it.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE your last paragraph. its so beautiful. it's ok to need someone else. we all do. HUGS. and now you have a daughter you just gotta be extra careful about finding the right one who will stick around and treat you both the way you deserve. And even tho K wasn't perfect, he should give you hope! hope of how a nice man can treat you! even if he isn't ready for that.

LegalMist said...

I agree with the prior commenters; K was there for a reason, and he helped you break free of the destruction.

But now you need to rebuild. Don't overlook the possibility of talking with a trained counselor. Sometimes (if they are good), they can help you see patterns in your life, and to find strength in yourself. Sometimes it helps just to have an adult to vent to.

And you are right not to live vicariously through your daughter. You do need your own life, too.

Hang in there.