Thursday, March 26, 2009

I Loved You

Posted by Anonymous.

I loved you.

I admit it now easily, casually, as if this fact should surprise no one. But it surprised me. Was I the only one who didn't know? When my mother, friends and co-workers prodded me and tried to understand what was going on between us, I denied then that I loved you. "He's amazing, but we're just friends" I said. Then to prove that things were platonic between us, I would date. Not much and not seriously but enough to keep the questions at bay. And yet, I was destroyed when you moved away. In the months leading up to your departure I had come to a point where I'd finally given up on the pretense of seeing other people. We weren't with each other, but we certainly weren't with anyone else either. How could I be with someone else when I was always with you? It was confusing and addictive. You were, after all, my best friend.

Then you left. You moved on easily it seemed, without much of a backward glance. Every now and then you would check back to see if the wounds were still fresh, if my heart was still breaking. They were. It was. We didn't talk for months. I was incapable of hearing your voice without feeling a knot in the back of my throat. The tears always came and so I avoided your calls and your emails until I could respond as a friend, as a person who wasn't bent over in grief.

It has been almost two years and we're finally back to being friends, calling on the holidays and periodically checking in on each other's lives. You're happy and finally, I am too. That doesn't mean that I don't miss you, or us. I miss holding you hand on the car ride home. I miss cuddling. I miss relying on you, knowing that I could find your shoulder if I needed to cry. I miss weekend trips to forget the week behind us. I miss silence that was comfortable. I miss the dinners we cooked, the parties we hosted. I miss swearing like a sailor and then in the next breath talking about our issues with the church and with God. I miss being loved by you. I am more than a little terrified that I will never find that kind of love again. For weeks and months the smallest things reminders of you would trigger a blast of tears. I spent months not wanting to move from the couch.

You know so little of this. I didn't tell you then because I was furious with you for leaving. I won't tell you now because the past is too far gone.

Part of moving on, was moving away from the place where all those memories lived. So I packed everything and drove until we were a continent apart. It has been fantastic and challenging and exhausting. On T.V. and in the movies, New York is a city defined by both its grit and its glamor. What no one tells you is that if you're not careful you will lose yourself among the masses. You have to fight to make New York your own, to meet people that are interested in you as a person and not as a means to climb the corporate ladder, to connect at a level beyond some superficial ability to woo one's way into a nightclub. I am happy here, satisfied with where I've landed and the person I've become in the process but still, my world was still brighter and better with you in it. Had you ever bothered to ask, I would have chosen you. I would have chosen us. Finally, you should know that when you call on Christmas, I will smile into the phone and we will tell each other stories from the last few months reveling in the fact that another year has crept by. I will love every minute of our conversation. Still, a small part of me will ache as I hang up the phone. This my dear, dear friend, is just not how I thought things would end for us.


Anonymous said...

This was very eloquently and beautifully written. But I don't understand - why did nothing ever come of this relationship? Did he not feel the same way? Happiness is always mingled with sadness, such is life.

NGS said...

This is incredible and very touching. I hope your friend knows how much you care.

Katie in MA said...

Tell him! TELL HIM! I told mine and I never imagined such a rewarding relationship would have sprung from such a terrifying moment., unless you already have and it didn't work. In which case, I applaud your bravery and admire your guts, girl. At least you know you tried.

Anonymous said...

I too don't understand why something more didn't happen - please give us an update.

Anonymous said...

this was me. I wrote this months ago.

For those who asked:
We didn't date because he was recovering from a difficult breakup. I think I was a weird sort of stand-in... someone he loved, but wasn't ready for. Eventually, after he moved back home, he and his Ex ended up getting back together. Truthfully, I think that they're a good fit and by knowing that he’s happy with her, that they’re good for each other and are building a life together; I also know that I never really stood a chance.

We fought about whatever we were a few times when one or the other felt jealous, but for the most part neither of us would push the issue for fear of "messing things up." The majority of the relationship was defined by unspoken terms and conditions.

In spite of everything, I don't doubt that he loved me. I also know that I won’t make the same mistake again of refraining from saying out loud exactly what I want and need. We didn't have the nasty fight or falling out that we were trying so hard to avoid, but for damn sure, it hurt just the same.

louralann said...

I understand and I hurt for you too. You've put into words how I feel...I'm still working on the latter part.

Thank you

Anonymous said...

Wow. Thank you. I'm going through something similar only he didn't move away, and he still wants to be best friends.

You've given me hope that I'll come out on the other side and be OK.

flutter said...

I wonder if he didn't feel the same

Anonymous said...

Your story is the true definition of "bittersweet." I hope that you find someone to be happy with soon.

Anonymous said...

This was so well written. This moved me to tears. I was in this exact situation. I was a "weird sort of stand in" too, for too long. I wasted so much time waiting, hoping. Now I see that I should have ended the torture sooner. The person would not allow himself to be fully emotionally available to me because he was longing for her. We had a small difference though; we were having sex. God I loved him, and I loved the sex. Unfortunately, I took the fact that we were having sex as an indication that we were okay. Now, many years later, I am married to a different guy, a great guy. And him, he is still longing for her. I did love him. Finally, it doesn't hurt to say it out loud.

I think you have a beautiful heart. You will fall in love the right way. All the best, we are cheering for you.

Anonymous said...

Somehow it's a tiny bit easier - not easy, of course, but at least possible - to say "I loved you," past tense, than to say "I love you," present tense, in the moment.

Anonymous said...

"I also know that I won’t make the same mistake again of refraining from saying out loud exactly what I want and need. "

I LOVE this statement! You're going to be okay baby, you've got it figured out. I wish I had learned this sooner. You go girl! You take this statement and your beautiful heart and you go. The world is yours.