Posted by Anonymous. (Ed. note: submitted in December. Sincere apologies for delay in posting!)
Dear Husband,
I hate talking to you about money. The situation we are in is not my fault. I am thrifty and I don't go out an blow a whole lot of money on just any old thing. We have struggled our whole marriage with money issues. You always have to have the latest and greatest new techno gadget. Do you ever think of putting something I want before you getting a new phone? No. Which I know means that you will have that new phone you want and I will get nothing once again.
We make more money right now than we ever have in our married life. I know that we just moved into our apartment and are still getting back on our feet from you losing your job in Aug. So I know better than you give me credit for where we stand. However it is not my fault when you spend money, even if it is for something that we need like cat food, that you don't put it into the checkbook. I don't spend money without letting you know what I have spent. I know it sucks that this month my job has cut my hours. But it does not seem to get through your head that I was never guaranteed 40 hrs a week. I work for a temp agency. When business demands are down, I have to take a cut in hours. This job, even with less hours is still better than me working in retail, which is where all of my work experience is. So I am grateful that I was given a chance at working an office job. I am grateful to have a job that pays well more than the minimum wage.
So I will take back the stuff that I bought today for the kids to make Christmas presents for the family. Because I hate to hear you speak to me in that tone of voice that you have. Though you would say you don't have a harsh tone of voice, you never speak to me or the kids in a manner that you think is wrong. The minute I even get the slightest bit frustrated with one of the kids you make me feel like scum of the earth for being that way. So I will take back the stuff. I already have one thing for you for Christmas. I can't take it back because I didn't buy it. So you will still get a gift under the tree(well if we had a tree but we don't since that got left behind when you packed our stuff).(That is a whole other post). But another Christmas will go by and I know that there will be nothing under the tree for me from you or from the kids because if you think we don't have any money you can't come up with something creative, you just don't so anything.
I do hope that when your parents visit that they do give us some money. But even if they do I am still taking the stuff back.
-A very sad and frustrated wife
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8 comments:
Any man who makes his kids do without so that he has is an asshole. I had a husband like that- manipulative and controlling in all areas, but especially money.
When I left he told me I had to leave half my shoes. Because they were his. But I didn't.
I feel bad for your kids, and for you. Life is too short to be unhappy.
If your husband is really irrational about this issue, there may be nothing you can do short of counseling, or prayer! But do you think it would help if you made a chart comparing the amount of money you spend versus how much he spends, and showing the difference between needs and wants? Do you think an honest and calm presentation of the facts would open his eyes? Perhaps you have already tried this. Good luck to you, and don't give up!
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. My ex was like that. Asshole. I'm so glad I left.
I've been through this before with my husband, the overspending part anyway. I would suggest you give some thought as to how to make the money issues HIS problem to deal with instead of taking it on by yourself. Allow him to experience consequences for his money mistakes. Don't take back stuff for your kids and allow him to do what he wants; he is a grown-up and needs to be treated like one. Let him deal with the consequences, whether it is bounced check fees or 'doing without'.
And don't let him act like a child either and get away with it. If he speaks to you in a harsh tone, call him on it. Stand up to him, rationally, calmly, and firmly. Don't let his words or tone affect your decision to do what is right.
Just my two cents. Counseling, for me, was a huge help.
As I read this, I kept thinking, "Did I write this? Did I send this in?" The first ten years of our marriage were like that. On my monthly payday, I was expected to give him my entire paycheck (I always told him it was $50 less than what it was, so I had some money to cover my lunch at school), and he blew it on whatever suited his fancy.
I grew up in a home where we saved 10%, and he told me it was stupid. He wanted to pay off debt. (For every penny we paid off, he charged $20.) We were drowning in (his!) debt. He bounced around from job to job, from career to career, and racked up a small fortune in IT colleges and computer schools, which he abandoned after a few months, claiming they were too hard and he'd never finish.
We worked out a budget, and he expected me to account for every penny, while he failed to record the majority of his purchases.
I told him I deserved to have things, too, so when he spent money on something, it was only fair that I got the same amount to spend on myself. (Most of the time I put the money in my separate account, so he couldn't spend it "accidentally".) He agreed with the principle, and even encouraged me to spend, but he missed the point about reigning in HIS spending. When there he blew $50 at the hobby store and there wasn't $50 available for me, he started hiding his purchases.
It was hell, and I can't believe I put up with the madness for so long.
It came to the point where we had to declare bankruptcy, and we lost everything. That was the best thing that happened to him. Suddenly, he had to live on a paycheck (AND A BUDGET!) because there weren't credit cards tucked away to use on a whim.
He still outspends me by a 3-1 ratio, but the $10-15 he spends each week on non-essentials is so much more manageable than the $300 he'd blow each month.
It took me standing up to him and letting him drown in his own mistakes for him to finally get a clue. I'm with the other readers-- you or your children should never have to go without because Daddy spent the Christmas money on a new video game.
Wow - this is tough. I have to admit that I am the one who spends in our family - my H spends maybe $50 per week if that, and never makes large purchases without thoroughly consulting me. I will have to thank him!
The good guys are out there - just keep looking!
I understand how that feels. My late-husband was a computer programmer. He was always upgrading his desktop, buying a new laptop because his was outdated,yet screeched when I put a 69 cents can of peas in the shopping cart.
Counceling, seperate checking accounts or divorce.
I know where you are coming from. You can do better. Knowledge is power. If you would like to talk about an opportunity to work your own business, I would welcome the opportunity to talk with you. Email me at cherchersavoie@hotmail.com
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