I'm Blowing It

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm blowing it. My life. I'm blowing my life. At least that is how I feel today. I should be happy, I'm 28 and just bought my first house. I did it by myself. My boyfriend didn't help a bit, even though he makes double the money I do. That is the problem, my boyfriend is a nice guy and a good provider. The issue is he only provides for what he deems important. I, on the other hand, work hard, at a job that I greatly dislike most of the time, to provide for everything else.

I was raised with a slower pace of doing things. To me nothing has be to perfect right now, just so long as I am happy with what I have. I grew up with far less than I have now, but I think I was happier then. I've never cared about the newest this or that, or the most expensive. It's always was been about being comfortable in my life. Well, I'm not comfortable anymore. I am exhausted. He is exhausting. When I get home from a long day of work, he wants me to unpack or clean up or hang things. I want to lay down. When I tell him that I am exhausted he mocks me or makes a half joking comment that I am lazy. From there I tend to shut down. It's not fair. I work very hard, I deserve to be happy. I'm blowing it. I should be enjoying my freedom, not dreading going home to my new house because someone is going to nag me to death.

I know this is a very childish thing to complain about, I get it. There are many people in the world with much bigger problems. l am just exhausted and drained and tired of being tired. I want my chance to live happily ever after. I don't think I will get it.

How Did I Get Here?

Posted by Anonymous.

Growing up, success came fairly easily. Mostly 'A' report cards, co-Captain of the Pom Squad, Scholarship to college. Even college continued mostly along that line -- even the bumps in the road could be overcome with a little extra work.

Ever since then it's been downhill. First job after college I left after 2 years because I bombed. The next jobs were ok, so I thought things were getting back on track. Got married, had a child. Started on anti-anxiety meds for stress. Started to get more depressed and anxious. It started to effect my job. Marriage hit a major rough patch. Upped the meds. More struggles at work. Baby number 2 arrived and my depression ballooned into a hideous monster. Started therapy and what became the long process of more and more medication. That was 6 years ago. My job is in trouble, my marriage is in trouble, and my life is a mess.

My dad was a high functioning alcoholic. My mom is the classic "enabler" - sweeping everything under the rug. I'm the classic "Adult Child of an Alcoholic," constantly "people pleasing." I almost wish I were an alcoholic because then I would have a problem that can be solved --You can stop drinking (or taking drugs, or stealing). It's within your control --at least to a point.
With depression like this, there is no control. One minute things are going along Ok --then for the next 10 days you have no energy, stare into space and have no concentration.

I used to have a phenomenal memory. I could keep all sorts of appointments and scheduling in my head. Now I can barely remember things long enough to write them down. I have a pile of "reminders" to go through --many of which have passed the deadline by the time I get to them.

I used to be happy and bouncy. I used to have tons of self confidence. I feel like a shell of what I was.

People say, just focus on being happy. Just focus on getting things done. They don't realize I can't focus -- my brain is set on a loop of negative feedback.

So, how did I get here? How did I go from over-achieving to "holding onto my job by my fingertips?" And is there any way back up out of this pit?

I Don't Want Her In My Life!

Posted by Anonymous.

I am 28 years old, a married SAHM to two children ages 4 and almost 1. I am also legally blind. When I go out I use a white cane. I can see a little, but only a little. I have gone through so much crap in my life. I have many blessings too, but the crap is overwhelming at times, and it mostly has to do with my dad's second wife. I will just list some of the things:

* Parents divorce
* Dad's remarriage two months later
* Dad fighting with second wife
* Going blind
* Dad fighting with second wife
* Dad's divorce
* Dad fighting with second wife
* Dad's remarriage to his second wife
* Dad fighting with second wife
* Second wife fighting with my sister
* Sister cuts second wife out of her life.
* Both uncles fighting with dad and second wife.
* Both uncles cut dad and second wife out of their lives.
* My grandparents move in with dad.
* Second wife fighting with my grandparents
* Grandparents moved out and in with my uncle.
* Dad fighting with second wife
* Dad stayed with me for a week
* He moved back home
* Dad stayed with me for a week
* Second wife fighting with me.

These are some of the things that I am concerned about.

I do not want phone contact, because being blind I can not read my phone to see who is calling before I answer. Second wife has said some very disturbing things to me. This is also why I do not want any written contact.

The reason I do not want contact in person from second wife is because I am unsure what she will do and I am afraid of injury to myself or my two children.

Here is a list of things that second wife has done that disturb me greatly enough that I no longer want her around myself or my children.

* She has said things that do not make sense. She told me her mobile phone was broken, but my husband checked my phone and she was calling from her mobile phone.
* She said that I wanted her to die. I have never said anything to give her this impression. That is why this scares me. I have never said anything to give her any thought along this line. So, I am worried that she may want to harm me, because of her thoughts.
* She has said she is good as dead. She implied that she was going to kill herself.
* The majority of the time when my family has gone over to her home she usually is drinking some type of alcohol.
* Being around her she has acted withdrawn, talking very slowly, and like she can not comprehend what I am saying. She also seems like she has a hard time trying to say things, like she no longer knows what the meanings of some words are.
* Almost any time she gives us food to take home from her home the food is expired.
* She told me that she was going to drive. I did not think she had a license. In the state she was on the phone I was worried she would drive to my home. I did not know what she would do, but I do not want her when she is in such a state around me or my children.
* She threatened to sell my wedding dress. I was able to get that from my dad.
* She threatened to sue me for the financial assistance my dad gave me through college, the computer my dad helped me pay for when I was in college, and the video camera I was given at my baby shower.
* She has called me all sorts of things.
* She wanted me to return every thing that my dad or she has given me.
* My dad brought back anything that I had given to them. He said he didn't want it destroyed.
* She sent my husband 70 texts in less than two days saying many terrible and horrible things. My husband didn't respond and we had to change our phone numbers and email addresses.

My dad was going to get divorced but it seems like he isn't now and he is putting a guilt trip on me and wanting me to let her back in my life.

I don't think she cares about if I am in her life or not she just wants my children. I don't want to subject them to her. I don't know if she will be stable or not and I love my kids too much to put them in that situation.

My dad says she just has health problems and needs a lot of love. I just keep thinking, what about me? Don't I deserve a chance to be happy and anxiety free?

Whenever I think about her my chest hurts. I have an anxiety attack and can barely take care of myself. Since I have cut off contact I feel so much better, but my dad just tried to convince me to have Easter with them. I feel bad because I want to forgive, but I just can't emotionally handle her. It makes me wonder why can't I just get over it. I guess because there has always been some issue involving her since I was 15 when my dad married her. I don't think I can do that to myself again.

I have told my dad all these things, but still he continues to try to convince me to let her back in. Why doesn't he care about the way I feel? I have told him countless times but my words don't seem to matter. Every time I get anxiety.

I have had enough.

I'm Not Real

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm not sure how to explain what is happening to me. I don't know who I am. No one else knows me either.

The most recent time I can think of when I was really being myself was probably when I was about 13 years old. Somewhere around the time I entered high school I started fearing judgment by other people so much that I stopped putting myself out there almost completely. I had a few good friends who I was very open with, but when I was around other people I always had my guard up.

Since then I have continued this relationship pattern by letting in only a few people in college and later a few people at work. When I got married and soon after became a stay-at-home mom, my world started closing in on me. We didn't live anywhere near either of our families. I was no longer forced to interact with the same people on a daily basis. I (barely) maintained a couple friendships, but was still so guarded and private that it was difficult to make friends with anyone new. We moved regularly for my husband's job and that made it even harder to make and keep friendships.

In the past few years I have become increasingly aware of how much I keep secret about myself. There is no reason for it, really. I don't feel ashamed about anything in my past. I have worked so hard at it though that I have lost touch with who I really am. I struggle to find my opinions on basic issues and I rarely spend time doing things I really enjoy (besides things I enjoy doing with the kids, which I do genuinely enjoy).

I have three kids and no idea who I am apart from their mom. I have a vague idea of who I could be, but I am afraid to become fully "myself" because I might have to admit I've made some wrong choices along the way and that I need to deal with the consequences. These consequences could also affect my kids and I do not want anything I do to have a bad impact on them.

I am tired of feeling misunderstood. I don't even feel like my husband really knows me all that well. I understand it's my own fault for not being more open, but I don't really know how to begin being more in tune with myself. I feel like a child lost in the woods.

What Might Have Been

Posted by Anonymous.

I saw him yesterday. Him, the one that I had such a bad crush on in college. Him, that I hooked up with one night, and kissed far too few times. Him, that said that we couldn't be more than friends.

I wish that, 16 years later, that I didn't still wish he had given us more of a chance. I am very happily married, but I wonder at how he looks at me. I wonder if his wife knows that had I only shaved my legs, I would have screwed her husband that night, and would have enjoyed it. I wonder if she knows that I know just how big he is, and part of me wouldn't care if she did.

I look at her, and I can't help but compare. We are alike, you know. We have the same profession, we're the same height. We have similar hair color. And I wonder how come she got him instead. We were compatible. We have similar interests and values. Seeing him here, now, in a place we share again tells me that. Were you that opposed to my personality? Was I that repulsive? Or do you wonder, too? Do you wish the same things as I? I suppose I'll never know.

I would never voice this. I would never let you know. I know it is wrong for me to think of the passionate love we could have shared, and wonder how it would feel to be her. So I'll keep it my secret, and always wonder...what might have been.

Birthday Surprise

Posted by Anonymous.

Yesterday was my birthday, I am 30 years old. I am the high school student who was in forensics and band, never went to parties, and graduated from college with a 4.0 GPA. I have 2 children (ages 6 and 2) and have been married for 9 years. I have a good job, a good life, a good husband. I don't party, don't drink, don't smoke. For my birthday I wanted to do something I have never done before. I knew that before we were dating my husband had done it only once or twice, and I just wanted to be able to say I'd had the experience. That I had tried it. I only casually mentioned it to him, that I was just curious about what it felt like and he said he could probably get some if I really wanted to. That was the end of the conversation, I didn't really believe he could. And then he brought some home from work, I didn't even recognize what it was when he showed it to me, LOL. So last night, after the kids were in bed, we went out to the garage together. You should have seen us, neither one had a clue if we were doing it right. And then we had great sex and went to bed. I can't tell anyone, I would NEVER tell anyone, so I am sharing it anonymously with you internet. I am 30 years old and last night I smoked pot for the first time.

**Postscript: please don't judge me in the comments, this is a one time only experience. End of story. Neither one of us have any desire for this to be a repeated event. I am happy that my only time getting high was with my husband, in the safety of our own home.

Outside The Bubble

Posted by C at This Matters This Day.

Liz Lemon has done it again. Put a window on something that, in retrospect, felt close to the truth…

Last time was the reunion episode. Weeks later, when wondering idly why some people from high school still haven’t ‘friended’ me – when they had friended others. Not just ‘the popular kids,’ but even kids more off-the-grid, now FRIENDING the ‘popular kids.’ Then, the episode came back to me.

Liz was at her reunion, and discovered that she was mean in highschool. That her reverse-snubbing, her snub-or-be-snubbed was NOT invisible. That the popular kids didn’t like her because she wasn’t likable.

I laughed and payed no real attention. Thought it wasn’t one of the better episodes.

Later – much later – weeks later… **gasp** …

When you are 15-16-17, sharp-witted and imagine yourself slightly better than those around you – the prettier ones, the more together ones, the ones who aren’t so afraid of trying, of proving themselves, of fitting in… ooops.

You become Liz. Snarky, with thinly-veiled quick-witted asides that are – oops again – sarcastic and more than a little mean.

I thought then that those honor role kids just didn’t get me. The truth was something else. I just didn’t want to play. And thought I should get by on my (under-appreciated) looks and (underexercised) raw intelligence.

OK. So flash-forward. Now those same kids – the ones who tried? Who made it all important when, I, in my infinite wisdom (and 2.75 GPA) suspected it wasn’t? Those kids have kids. And their kids are in private school. And they play with my kids. My kids who are woefully unprepared.

I could list the reasons why, or how they are unprepared: mom works, mom is scatter-brained, mom is not wealthy, mom has no idea what the rules are… but the truth is this: Mom doesn’t want to play.

On last night’s 30 Rock, we saw the return of Dr.Drew Baird. (Moment of silence, please, to acknowledge my disproportionate love of Jon Hamm…) The premise was that he is so good-looking that people expect little of him, and fill him with lies. So he’s a doctor that doesn’t know the Heimlich, is awful in bed, and cannot play tennis – and has never waited in a line.

Again, good show. I laughed. I was mad that Jon Hamm was leaving again, (c’mon Liz! Do you HAVE to be the bearer of Truth?) and I laughed harder when Jack Donaghy explained The Bubble and the loss of the Bubble. I laughed ‘cuz it was funny, right? A ridiculous premise?

Oh, shit. I laughed ‘cuz it’s True!

At the risk of being exposed as more narcissistic than I feel (although I guess even narcissism has its roots in self-loathing, but I digress) – I was driving home from my son’s third grade play almost in tears and realized… ooops… I GOT IT!

Now, the almost-tears were for a number of reasons. Chief trigger was that the set looked great. I had derided the moms that made a big deal of the set – thinking that this is third grade, they are walking up to microphones, the play isn’t blocked, each character is shared by six kids, etc. And TWO of my props were rejected as inadequate, and my son’s Zukerman costume was Not Quite Right, even though we got the same Farmer Costume memo as every other mom.

The secondary trigger was the Perfect Moms who told me afterward that my son was great – Moms whose children I did not know, moms themselves whose names are filed somewhere in my back brain where they cannot be accessed as I am trying to anonymously high tail it out of a multimillion dollar performance facility (where my son just performed a walk-up-to-the-mike rendition of a play written for about 8 kids along with 59 of his closest friends.)

You see, friends, I lived in The Bubble. Because while high school may not be kind to the I-think-I-am-prettier-and-smarter-than-you-so-I-flirt-too-much-and-laugh-too-hard-when-I-get-the-grown-up-jokes-of-the-AP-English-teacher-and-treat-everything-with-a-note-of-disdain-and-irony… your twenties? Especially if they got to occur in the nineties? In your twenties, folks eat that shit up.

All the sudden – for a minute, maybe, or for something like six or seven years – I was IT.

I ran in a circle with famous people for a college internship and later, I had a great job. I had loads of friends, I had loads of sex, and I had great hair. I dressed well and drove free German cars. I was connected. Professionally, personally… I felt untouchable. I flirted as I breathed. I got promoted. I worked way over my head, and I gathered in large chummy packs at the neighborhood bar in the tony neighborhood… that I walked to.

Because no one ever accused me of making things look easy, I assumed my aggressive wheel spinning and frenetic pace meant I really was working hard.

I assumed, that somehow, without actually working for it… I had earned it. I believed my press.

My eventual husband believed it, too – he would say later that his initial impression was that I was ‘out of his league,’ he imagined that I had it together – because there was so much of it, and it looked confusing to the outsider.

I was In the Bubble.

And inside, it actually was confusing. But it was contained, somewhat.

All that happened, besides growing up and getting married and having kids and folding into private schools (quite by accident, but again I digress) is that I outgrew the bubble. And now? 40, with those intrepid kids in tow … the bubble is gone.

The mess is no longer contained by the walls of the bubble, and I am exposed to the (god love him, still-with-me) husband. I am invisible among those working harder, with more qualifications and a more complete rule set. My confusion confuses them. They expect more of themselves… shoudn’t I?

Inside the bubble was better.

So, somehow? Now, I guess? It’s time to grow up. Or at least fake it a whole lot better.

Ergg.

Redo

Posted by Anonymous.

I want to go back and start again. This isn't the life I wanted. Not what I hoped for. And, calculating for the average lifespan, it's already more than half over. I am 43.

From the outside looking in, I'm sure it appears to be a good life. I have a good job. I managed, by myself, to raise a fine and successful daughter. Now that she is on her own, I have no real responsibilities other than my pets and my work. It seems that I should be happy.

But I am, at my core, alone. A crushing, pervasive loneliness that has plagued me since childhood. A solitary child at heart, I was forced to spend much time with a succession of babysitters while my Mom worked a staggering schedule after my father left us when I was 2. There were precious few programs for working mothers to avail themselves of in the late 1960's and early 1970's, so I was often shuffled from sitter to sitter, from family member to family member after school, on vacations and during the summer. My mother simply did the very best she could. I compensated by living another life in my head. A life with a family who surrounded me. Protected me. In my imaginary life, I was not a lonely, only child. I had older brothers who protected me. A father who didn't walk away. A mother who was able to devote time and attention to me instead of collapsing from exhaustion at the end of an 18 hour day.

As I grew into a teenager and young adult, the life in my head became less like a reality and more like a dream. The dream of a husband and kids and a house and happiness. For as long as I can remember, I always wanted a lot of kids. The hope of that dream sustained me. Even when I was at my lowest, I could always call upon the promise of that life.

The life in my head was the life I wanted. It still is.

Instead, I have a life that I have managed, in all honesty, to completely screw up. Other than my mother and my daughter, I have no close relationships.

None.

I have not been in a relationship with a man for 20 years. Prior to that, I ruined every relationship I was in. I don't know how to change that. I don't know if I can. Maybe it's simply too late.

I just know that I don't want to spend the rest of my years lonely and alone. I want to lay next to someone again and whisper my deepest thoughts to them in the dark. I want to reach for someone's hand when I need strength and know that familiar touch will comfort me. I don't want to face the rest of my life by myself.

I still want that life in my head, but after all these years, maybe it's time to give up the dream.

I Loved You

Posted by Anonymous.

I loved you.

I admit it now easily, casually, as if this fact should surprise no one. But it surprised me. Was I the only one who didn't know? When my mother, friends and co-workers prodded me and tried to understand what was going on between us, I denied then that I loved you. "He's amazing, but we're just friends" I said. Then to prove that things were platonic between us, I would date. Not much and not seriously but enough to keep the questions at bay. And yet, I was destroyed when you moved away. In the months leading up to your departure I had come to a point where I'd finally given up on the pretense of seeing other people. We weren't with each other, but we certainly weren't with anyone else either. How could I be with someone else when I was always with you? It was confusing and addictive. You were, after all, my best friend.

Then you left. You moved on easily it seemed, without much of a backward glance. Every now and then you would check back to see if the wounds were still fresh, if my heart was still breaking. They were. It was. We didn't talk for months. I was incapable of hearing your voice without feeling a knot in the back of my throat. The tears always came and so I avoided your calls and your emails until I could respond as a friend, as a person who wasn't bent over in grief.

It has been almost two years and we're finally back to being friends, calling on the holidays and periodically checking in on each other's lives. You're happy and finally, I am too. That doesn't mean that I don't miss you, or us. I miss holding you hand on the car ride home. I miss cuddling. I miss relying on you, knowing that I could find your shoulder if I needed to cry. I miss weekend trips to forget the week behind us. I miss silence that was comfortable. I miss the dinners we cooked, the parties we hosted. I miss swearing like a sailor and then in the next breath talking about our issues with the church and with God. I miss being loved by you. I am more than a little terrified that I will never find that kind of love again. For weeks and months the smallest things reminders of you would trigger a blast of tears. I spent months not wanting to move from the couch.

You know so little of this. I didn't tell you then because I was furious with you for leaving. I won't tell you now because the past is too far gone.

Part of moving on, was moving away from the place where all those memories lived. So I packed everything and drove until we were a continent apart. It has been fantastic and challenging and exhausting. On T.V. and in the movies, New York is a city defined by both its grit and its glamor. What no one tells you is that if you're not careful you will lose yourself among the masses. You have to fight to make New York your own, to meet people that are interested in you as a person and not as a means to climb the corporate ladder, to connect at a level beyond some superficial ability to woo one's way into a nightclub. I am happy here, satisfied with where I've landed and the person I've become in the process but still, my world was still brighter and better with you in it. Had you ever bothered to ask, I would have chosen you. I would have chosen us. Finally, you should know that when you call on Christmas, I will smile into the phone and we will tell each other stories from the last few months reveling in the fact that another year has crept by. I will love every minute of our conversation. Still, a small part of me will ache as I hang up the phone. This my dear, dear friend, is just not how I thought things would end for us.

Babies Having Babies

Posted by Anonymous.

So I might have to warn some of the mothers who read this....you might not want to and I'm sure that what I am about to say might offend some people but I don't know where else to say what I need to say.

I know a dozen or more people who got pregnant out of wedlock and yes I'm going to be judgmental and say that bothers me. Several of these people say its because they "could not afford birth control" well the last time I checked a box of condoms for about 3 was about $4 maybe even less than that. Oh and planned parenthood will give them to you for free!!! You can also get the pill for a 90 day supply at some drug stores for $10....wow that must be so expensive. But yet these same people can afford $1,000 a month town houses and the latest video game systems.....but who cares about trying to prevent pregnancy.

Did you ever think they considered how much a kid would cost? Probably not, I mean what could a little unprotected sex hurt, right?!?!?

My parents have also never been fans of unprotected pregnancy but they are also pro-life.....I know if I ever got pregnant out of wedlock I would quietly take care of the problem and never tell them. That's my own choice and I don't want to get into that, different topic and too many opinions there. But just today my mom informed me that a family friend who is 23, still in college, working an unpaid internship and has no medical insurance is guess what, pregnant. This is her bosses daughter, who I used to be very close with, almost like sisters. I was angry when my mom told me because I know that this girl is smarter than that, but her parents are excited for her and so is my mother. Her and the father will be living with her parents and I can almost guarantee they will take care of the baby, since she and baby daddy are still in college and jobless.

My mother, the person who would throw me out on the street if I EVER told her that I was knocked up - she is excited for this girl. I just wanted to scream.....I just cannot fathom how people think this is okay....maybe I am too old fashioned but I am also careful. In my life I have had 2 pregnancy scares and in one case took the Plan B pill just to be safe. I have been on the pill since I was 14 and I wasn't even sexually active then.

I'm tired of pretending to feel sorry for them when I know how easy it is to not get yourself into that situation. I know for some people things work out but for most they don't. Its much easier for one of the parents to get out of the situation when there is no legal marriage. Not planning for things almost always means there is little to no money to help raise that child either, so there goes my tax dollars into their WICK and Welfare checks.

I don't plan on attending her shower or calling her to tell her a fake "congratulations." I can't keep letting myself feel sorry for people like that. I cannot fathom how a person could be excited to be in that situation. My mother tells me not to pass judgment but that girl is not her daughter and if the tables were turned I'd be living in a homeless shelter. I've watched many of my cousins do the same thing, I've seen them fight for child support, work dead end jobs and one of them even had her 4 children put into foster care.

I don't know if its wrong or what to feel like this but it just makes me sick inside. I just hope and pray it never happens to me but if it ever does I know what to do and I know what would be right in my heart. Maybe there is something wrong with the way that I feel but I do know how else I am supposed to feel. How can I react to situations like this without feeling the way that I do.

Signed,

Too many babies and shot gun weddings

Addict

Posted by Anonymous.

OK so I know my problem..I am an internet addict..
there. I said it.
do I forgo food?
no
do I forgo feeding my family?
no.
is my house hazmat bad?
no..
BUT
my house is NOT clean...it is cluttered and dusty and the clothes need washed and the floors need scrubbed..
I do delay feeding said family..sometimes the pull of the computer chair is just too great.
and sometimes I forgo feeding myself for a while..maybe not such a bad thing since i am over weight to begin with

my kids do suffer for it.
my husband suffers for it
their homework suffers for it.
my bills suffer for it.
the laundry suffers for it.
dinner suffers for it.
I know my health suffers for it.

am I addicted to porn?
No.
am I addicted to one thing?
no..
I LOVE being online..it is like a GIGANTIC book...anything you want to know/read/do all in one place.
I could clean..but there is some app on my space I can play instead..
I could get dinner now instead of rushing to throw it together at the last minute..BUTTT there is a message board somewhere that I HAVE to read now.
Oh the oldest child is suffering in school?
mmm..nope..sorry..have e-mail to answer.

for all of the sugar coating in the world.. nothing will change that I put this computer above my family.

sad.
very very very sad.

Quarterlife

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm 25 now.

It took me a little while to type that sentence. There's this distaste that enters my mouth whenever I write it or say it. I feel like that it should be the start of a longer sentence: "I'm 25 now, and I dally in Europe with my girlfriends." "I'm 25 now, and I own a home." "I'm 25 now, I have a wonderful partner, and we're discussing marriage." "I'm 25 now, and I know what I'm supposed to be doing with the rest of myself."

The fact is that the sentence is what it is. I'm 25 now. I don't dally in Europe with my girlfriends. I don't own a home. I don't have a wonderful partner, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with the rest of my life.

Some have said that I am going through my quarterlife crisis. Logically, I know that it applies to me and that this is partly true, but being the one living the quarterlife crisis is different. I've always been the one in my family who has known what they were going to do. I'm the academic one -- that's the label given me by my family. I'm not the pretty sister, or the edgy sister or the hippie sister. Those never belonged to me, and I never aspired to those labels. I have always known what I was going to do with the rest of my life -- I knew what path I was going to walk. My family and friends knew me as a decisive person where my schooling and career was concerned. I didn't need a partner or dates because "you're so, so smart."

I landed an entry level job in my competitive industry of choice right out of college. I got a promotion to my dream position not long afterwards. And I thought that this was all I needed -- this job that challenged me and took up so much of my time. And then I turned 25. I got depressed, almost mournful. Nothing satisfied me. I felt restless and purposeless for first time since my freshman year of college. I realized that I got depressed when my job went into it's "slow period" for the year. I didn't realize that I had invested myself so heavily in my position until this bleak onset that came on suddenly. I've scared myself... I figure it's because I didn't have it there to keep me occupied.

So I'm doing little things to change me. I'm looking to buy a one-bedroom condo -- something small and economical where I can entertain. I'm supportive of my best friend, who now has less time for me since she recently found a partner. I'm trying not to work so much. I'm trying to date. I've looked into grad schools. I don't want to be "invincible" again, but I'm frustrated feeling this way. I'm going to go my doctor to discuss what's going on with me. I don't think this is depression, but I don't know, quite frankly. I'm tired of 25.

I just hope that 26 gives me back my sense of purpose. But if it doesn't, what will I do?