Monday, March 23, 2009

The Secret

Posted by Anonymous.

He was 18. She was 12. My husband, who could never even hear the kids in the night when they were throwing up, heard the sound of our daughter's doorknob turning. Normally, this would not be cause to get up in the middle of the night but something prompted him. He opened our daughter's bedroom door and there was my 18 year old stepson at her bedside, reaching for her, wearing only his underwear. My husband told him to give him his house key and get out now. He offered no protest. He was gone within minutes. My husband was so angry, he was afraid he would kill him if he touched him.
In talking to our daughter, this had been going on for some time. How could we not know? Who would ever suspect that kind of sick behavior? Why didn't she tell us? The hole she kicked in her wall next to her bed that I thought was just from a temper tantrum, was made after another nighttime visit. I stayed home from work the next day and tried to talk to her about it. She was afraid to tell us, she said. I wanted to go to a counselor right away and tell someone who could help us. I wanted to tell my family. My husband said no. He was afraid that if we did, CPS might get involved and take our 2 daughters away from us while they investigated. That was too horrible to think about.
So began the secret.
In retrospect, there were behavior clues we should have identified. He poked a hole in our bedroom door that would have given him a view of our bed. I saw it right away and we covered it up. I worked in an office near our home and usually came home for lunch. If he was out of school, there were times he would be "napping" on the sofa and would be exposing himself. He would wear loose shorts and no underwear and sit with his legs apart. I would get furious and yell at him to get dressed. I never knew that during all these years he also had twisted feelings for me, too. To be honest, I never liked him. He was a brat and never minded me, but he was my husband's son so I tried to make it work. When all this happened with our daughter, I was more than glad for him to go.
Over the years, he slowly reentered the family, keeping his distance. A few months before the wedding, he and his fiance were staying overnight with us. I got up early to have coffee, as I do every morning. He came into the kitchen and tried to come on to me. I told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to knock it off. He started crying and saying he thought I had feelings for him. Let me tell you, I NEVER did anything to give him that idea. I always made sure I was dressed appropriately, way more so than you would do for your kids. I never walked around in my nightgown or underwear. We were active in church and encouraged them to attend youth activities. We didn't have movie channels on our cable or pornographic material in our home.
How do you not tell family what is going on, yet not let on that there is a problem? What about when he is engaged to a wonderful girl? And they get married? And have a baby? Our whole family attended the wedding. We were there when the baby was born. . Our daughter forgave him. My husband and I tried but you can never forget something like that. The grandparents, aunts and uncles don't have a clue that we have this secret. We love the daughter-in-law and the beautiful granddaughter. We want to be part of their lives.

This summer we went for a short visit. After dinner the first night, we were sitting around visiting. He was wearing snug knit shorts and periodically would make sure he was "arranged" down there. My husband was so upset that he was still doing things like that. We cut our visit short
Last week my mom asked me if they were coming for Christmas so she would know whether to mail their gift or not. I called him and he said probably not because funds were tight. I told him we really wanted to see the baby, she must be getting so big, and on and on. He called and left a message on my phone this week and said he was going to come see us this Sunday and stay until Tuesday, if I was going to be off work. HE COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE ME. Nothing about his dad or sister. He couldn't wait to see me. In all my phone conversations with him, I am always careful to say things like "we" want to see their family, never just me.
Now I feel sick. I don't want him to come here, especially not alone. If I tell my husband, he will tell him to not come. If it weren't for the baby, I would too. Do we sacrifice our relationship with our only grandchild?
Secrets are bad.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

Personally I think you should have told his fiance. What is to stop him from molesting his daughter? She needs to know.

I say this as someone who found out that her father fantasized about molesting his daughters. I wish someone had told me a lot sooner.

Anonymous said...

Secrets are very bad. I am extremely concerned for his baby, and you should be too.

I am so very sorry, this must be so painful and sickening.

Anonymous said...

Wow this is probably one of the more heartbreaking things I have read on here since I started following this blog. Its horrible to think there are people in this world who are that sick and messed up that they would do things like that to children.

Maybe it is time to tell his wife bc now their child could well be in danger or may have already become a victim.

You're in my prayers for sure....I don't really think I have much other advise to offer.

Mr Lady said...

Secrets ARE bad.

I applaud you, though, for taking care of your daughter right away and not questioning anything. That's probably why she's found forgiveness, because she had some power.

If I were you, I'd tell his wife, if for no other reason that if he's hoping to cheat on her with his mother, he's probably not so far off from cheating with someone else. What happens when he does and his wife finds out you knew this was part of him? You can say goodbye to grandchild, that's what.

That's easy for me to say, sitting here, not living it. I'd really, really recommend some therapy for you, and for your daughter. A good therapist can teach you how to properly handle the situation.

Good luck to you all.

Rachael said...

This is a really bad situation and I am so sorry you have had to deal with it. How terrible for you and your husband. Unfortunately now there is a new child involved who might be in serious danger. Unfortunately I think his wife deserves to know about what has happened, especially the thing with your daughter. She might not believe you. It might ruin your relationship. But one day when she is having a nagging feeling or doubt she will remember your conversation and have reason to investigate.

elizabeth said...

My heart aches for you. You are so lucky that your husband is on the same page as you.

I encourage you to tell your daughter-in-law. Your job, as a grandmother, is to protect that child. There's a very good chance that your DIL will be very angry at you and not believe you. But, she will be forewarned and will not likely forgot what you told her. She will, more than likely, be more aware of the warning signs even if she dismisses what you say now.

It really would also help to see a therapist to help guide you in how to handle this on a more day-to-day basis.

We, too, are living a scenario similar to this and I really do feel for you.

Anonymous said...

As a girl I was molested by my cousin. He is now a part of our lives again. I tell my parents it is fine because I want the family to get along and be ok, but it is not fine. I want my parents to know this without me having to tell them - to protect me from having to see him (even though I am now a happily married adult with 2 kids.) I wish they would tell him to never come back.
If I was married to someone with that kind of past I would want to know. So my totally biased advice is to tell him you never want him around you or your daughter again, tell his wife about your experience, and live with the consiquences. His baby is not your responsibility as much as your daughters are.

Anonymous said...

My grandfather molested every female in my family (including his own daughters) with the exception of my mother (the baby of their family) and my younger sister. My mother was spared because the older siblings protected her.

My sister was spared because I protected her.

Even after my mother found out, we were all to remain silent about it. They were old. They didn't have much time left. We are encouraged to often go visit and spend weekends there. I have not been down there in nine years, a year or two after my mother found out.

I have a child now. There is no way on earth I would EVER let that man within earshot of my child.

Children have no voice. Someone has to protect them, as my mother and sister were protected.

As I wish someone had protected me.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you were able to stop him from molesting your daughter, but your decision to not report him was wrong. Because you failed to report him, he has received no help for his problems, and it's clear that they still exist. And now your granddaughter is at risk because of it... and your first thought is to walk away instead of say something? I don't get it. I really don't.

Amy said...

It is my firm belief that you should tell his wife the truth, immediately. You need to apologize for not handling it better in the past. You need to apologize to your daughter for failing to protect her, both before AND AFTER you found out.

You need to get all of this out in the open, otherwise you're basically what the police call an accessory after the fact.

Protect that baby. No one else can. Do what you should have done years ago. Have the guts to do the right thing, even when it's the hard thing.

Anonymous said...

I wrote the post Broken on here not to long ago and I understand the heaviness of the secret. I wish someone had noticed with me. I wish someone had told. Years later, I still carry that fear. His wife isn't going to want to hear it but you could protect their child from having to go through one of the worst things in the world. No one did that for me, can you do it for her?

Shannon said...

While I commend you for taking immediate action to protect your daughter, I strongly disagree with your decision to keep this a secret. By not pressing charges you are allowing him to go on molesting other children. Perhaps his own child. This shouldn't be allowed to continue. Imagine how you'd feel if you knew he had molested someone else before your daughter and if the person he had molested had told someone then this awful thing never would have happened to her. I want to say this in the kindest way possible, with no judgement because it's not my place. But I really really believe you need to tell someone. At the very least the family, if not the authorities.

Anonymous said...

you have to tell his wife. he is a sick person and will likely abuse his daughter - he is a child molester and that is what they do. i'm not going to judge you for keeping it a secret or not reporting the incident to the police, but if something happens to your granddaughter, you will never forgive yourself. please, please tell his wife.

Anonymous said...

He got away with being sexually inappropriate in your living space (exposing himself while ''napping'', making a hole in your door).

He got away with molesting your daughter.

He got away with coming on to you, in your own, home.

He got away with being sexually appropriate during your visit to his home.

What is it he needs to do, exactly, for there to be a penalty?

His behavior escalated in your home, what do you think he is capable of in his own home now?

Or with the children of others?

That grandchild opened doors to him as a parent that he wouldn't have otherwise, with access to other people's children.

If he has no fear of being predatory with you and your child, what in the world is going to stop him from doing the same to other women in his life? And his own child?

I don't pity kid touchers, at all. I was molested and I carry that damage with me everyday, as does your own daughter. But he is sick and continually giving him a pass isn't helping you, your family, your marriage, your kids or his wife and child.

When does it stop? When is enough enough? All sexual crime is about power and he has all of it; he is not a classic pedophile, he is an all around predator.

He molested your child and has been allowed to re-integrate not just into your family as a unit but he has been allowed back in your home. If anyone else had violated your child and your home would you even consider inviting them back, ever, for an overnight?

Please get some help, get some advice from a source outside your family. Encourage your daughter to get help, please. Understand I am not saying this to guilt or shame you but that young lady was victim to him but also further victimized by having him in her life again. Forgiveness or no, she should never have had to even be presented with the option of it being ''okay'' for him to be around. Again, had anyone else assaulted her would you have had that expectation, directly, indirectly, implied or suggested? No, no I don't think so and rightly so. Forgiveness is no less forgiving from a distance.

Please stop being the secret keeper; take away his power and re-gain your own.

Honeybell said...

Placing myself in your daughter-in-law's position, I would want to know. I would want you to start by showing me this post. I would want to at least have the opportunity to protect my child. I would want the opportunity to help the man I love get therapy.

It's true, you may lose contact with your granddaughter. You may also save her childhood, her sanity, her innocence.

Rebekah said...

First of all, good for you in coming to this safe place to share this and get some feedback from others. Lord, with all the sexual abuse that occurs you'd think there would be a flipping handbook by now about how to handle this horrific experience. Unfortunately there isn't and each family has to muddle through it the best they know how. It sounds like you and your husband have tried very hard to do what you thought was best for your daughter and your family. There are no right answers in these situations - its just trying to figure out which option is "the least bad" option.

I agree with those who are recommending that you talk with your DIL. If I were married to someone with this past, I would certainly want to know, particularly now that they have a child. By keeping this secret I think the only one you are protecting is him.

Having been abused by my (former) stepfather and then him go on to abuse other siblings, I have no patience with these perverts and dearly wish they would keep their hands to themselves. The damage they do is immense and their victims live with it forever - which is not to say that we're not resilient because we ARE resilient, its just a shitty part of our past. Anything I can do going forward to prevent this type of thing from happening to others, I will.

And finally - try to be gentle with yourself. You didn't know he was doing this to your daughter and the minute you found out, he was gone from your house. You didn't cause this and you are doing what you can to protect her and now others, too. You are also a victim of this asshole.

Anonymous said...

You should tell your DIL, and so should your husband, and so should your daughter. Over and over again, because she probably won't believe you at first.

He's holding the power because you are allowing it all to remain a secret. I'm not sure why you haven't told anyone. There is no shame is getting help, creating justice. The shame is allowing the sickness to continue.

Jenni said...

While I commend you, and especially your husband, for kicking him out immediatly, you should have reported him. People need to know to not leave their daughters alone with him. This should not be a secret. Other girls must be protected from him.

Anonymous said...

Question: Had the molester been anyone other than your stepson, would your husband been so quick to 'protect' him? Would you? Because that is what you've been doing all these years, protecting him from what should have been the consequences of his very criminal actions.

Please reconsider your position and tell your DIL and the authorities.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry this happened.

You need to tell your daughter-in-law. He is going to do it to that baby girl, and you can stop him. Save her.

Anonymous said...

I have nothing more to add to what everyone else has said. I agree with them that you should tell and stop him from doing it again (because he probably HAS done it to someone else). And I'm hoping that if enough people tell you this you will see the light. Good luck and God Bless.

Stacy said...

This is the first comment I have ever left here. This story was so compelling and horrific and upsetting, ditto a few others, it is good that you shared it here.

I have some questions and some thoughts and I hope you don't feel like I'm targeting you, but, as the mother of a daughter you knew had been molested on more than one occasion, it was and is your responsibility to provide your daughter with the help she will need to get over/through/past this. She will never be the same. This has undoubtedly changed and disrupted her life in many many ways. Did you see that she got immediate counseling or were you too worried that CPS would interfere in the family and cause more problems for you? I understand that you were overwhelmed and confused by your step-sons advances and inappropriateness toward you, but, you don't get to come first here, your daughter's well-being matters first and foremost. I don't know how long ago this was but your daughter needs help. I'm confused at how you could love a man and stay with a man whose son hurt your child in such a way, again, I know my words are harsh, but I'm not sure I understand your actions. I hate secrecy ... I understand that we keep things from others out of fear but those secrets, in your case have hurt your daughter and now very potentially your granddaughter. That disgusting man is a child molester, he is a pedophile, he belongs in jail and on a sex offender registry so that anyone who ever lives near him knows what a danger he is to a child. There is no question that he will repeat those actions with his own child, and most likely prior to the age of 12. (not that 12 is any more acceptable at all -- but he's likely molesting the baby now)
I urge you, I strongly STRONGLY urge you to contact authorities, doctors, law enforcement, anyone you can. You, as an adult are responsible for being a voice for your granddaughter who is too young to have one of her own. That man is a criminal and an animal and he doesn't deserve to be free where he can hurt other children.

Anonymous said...

i've lived what your daughter is going through, minus the getting caught part. i was the same age and so was my brother. kuddos for you for getting her help.

but you need to help all the other little girls who he might come across. i agree with the others who said he will do it again. my brother did.

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. There should never, ever be any secrets like this. ALL THE CHILDREN need to be protected, and that means that everyone needs to be told what this man is, and what he has done in the past, and will likely do again.

Loralee Choate said...

Your husband must be worried sick for his grandchild. I think that everyone else has voiced the approval for getting your daughter away but concern and worry that you never reported him.

I feel so much for his wife. She absolutely deserves to know but man...what a horror lies in store for her.

I absolutely understand the family pressure, concerns and secrets. I can't write more than that publicly, but just know I KNOW how hard and sticky it is with family, worry about DCF but in the end...always for the best to report them-scary and horrible as it is.

I am very sorry this has happened to your family.

Anonymous said...

I, too, KNOW from bitter experience where you are and how hard and complex it is.I have been in a similar situation- except it was my daughter's BIOLOGICAL father and she also didn't tell me or my current husband for YEARS - it was her older brother (who she had sworn to secrecy) who told us 6! years later.Her father and I were separated at the time that it happened-(there were two occasions) .I thought I had given her every opportunity to tell me anything, and had always encouraged her to be open but her father had threatened her that I would "have a breakdown" if she told.She was 12 then and I found out when she was 18.
It has permanently scarred our family, since her other, younger, brother has maintained contact with his father- he is much younger and there was a bond between them well before the truth came out.He (my son)was told but by then was old enough that he couldn't be told what to do. (and THANK GOD his father doesn't mess with boys as well.)In truth, I am not sure he fully believes it.
Now, from my position: I did support my daughter by never speaking to or allowing my former husband through my door to this day(we had until then been very friendly throughout a ten year period post separation, until the exact moment I found out).Thank god my ex remarried a childless woman and they had no more children.
My daughter has married and has had children. She has also had no contact with him and has moved very far away, to another COUNTRY to feel safe.We have located to another city so she can feel safer when she visits us.
I think commenters who say that the writer should have kicked her husband out are way out of line- he has done a brave thing and remember, no matter how warped and ill, it was his child he kicked out.He should be commended and it is not HIS fault-he is not the offender. You were right to stay with him.I feel for him.
HOWEVER.I agree with all who have said that the grand-daughter MUST be protected- it may be too late already- YOU MUST TELL HIS WIFE- and it will be a horror- and unspeakably hard for her but SHE MUST KNOW- do you love that grandchild any less than your daughter?? These men don't wait for puberty. My daughter has protected her own kids by moving far away and he has NEVER SEEN OR SPOKEN TO THEM-he doesn't know their city or their names. My present husband (my daughter's stepfather) is their Grandpa and they don't even know of the existence of their mother's real father.We have done what we can but there are rifts all over- to do with my son and daughter having such different views of the same man.(My other son has since died of an illness- unrelated to this)
BUT , if and when my youngest son marries, I will tell his wife that this grandfather is a danger and that IMO he should never see any kids that may be born.
The grief and damage goes on in our hearts but we hope we have stopped it here.
As for reporting him now, and who does it, laws vary but my daughter was not willing to go to the authorities, opting for total avoidance. and she would have had to be involved for a complaint to result in a charge- she would have to be willing either to lay the charge or be interviewed, as the victim.There may also be statutes of limitation with respect to time frame.If any child were to be exposed to my ex in any way I would however report him- I am sick to think of having to do this were my son to marry and have kids-BUT those hypothetical kids MUST NEVER MEET HIM.
In this case here, the main thing, the only thing is that the wife of the predator- and make no mistake , that is what he is, MUST BE TOLD so she can protect her child. It doesn't matter who will be hurt or angry- you MUST DO THIS!
I am so so sorry you are going through this and by the way, DO NOT ALLOW HIM IN YOUR HOME ALONE OR OTHERWISE. what are you thinking??
He is a monster!
It is so hard to keep this central in your mind-time passes, people say different things- you wish it had never happened.
Aside from my son's death it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.I would be willing to give support by email if the writer wants it- she should comment here and tell me how to contact her,
You need support!Hugs to you!

The Grown Up Teenager said...

Let me add my voice to the chorus and say "Tell your daughter in law."

No, it won't be easy, and it won't be a simple ending. Yes, she may be angry, resentful and hurt, and can you blame her?

You don't have to tell her you're afraid of him doing anything to their child. Tell her what you told us. She can make her own conclusions from there.

Its going to suck, but it will protect your granddaughter. I'm really sorry you had to go through this but please do it.

Anonymous said...

Tell your daughter-in-law. If he did it once, he'll do it again. Clearly he has no boundaries. He has never gotten help to resolve his issues.

I'm sorry, but this post just makes me ANGRY. No, I'm not in the situation. However, when there are children involved it shouldn't matter. Your D-I-L has a RIGHT to know what happened. What she does with the information is up to her. However, by keeping this secret you are putting your grandchild at risk for the same crap that your daughter went through, even worse because it would the child's father. Did you not read a previous post about a father doing this to his daughter and how awful it has been for her?

If you aren't part of the solution you are part of the problem.

Anonymous said...

Two things - report the molester now. He hasn't stopped. As we speak, he is destroying another child. Pedophiles only get better at what they do. In fact, he could easily escalate to murder.

Second - your daughter still needs counseling. Her ideas about sex, love, trust, and relationships in general are going to be twisted. She needs to talk to someone so she does not spend the rest of her life making poor life choices.

Your stepson's abusive behavior trumps all else, including family ties. For the love of your progeny, be brave and strong. You are in a position of power - you can bring this reign of terror to an end. I deal with this issue in my professional life and can tell you without a doubt that things will not end, will only get worse, until you do something about it. Please, end this.

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

I think it's time for you and your husband to tell the family together. CPS is not going to take your children away, especially when it's clear that you're trying to work through this problem. But your family might be able to help.

Also, at some point in time, I think his wife should know. What if he does to his baby girl what he did to your daughter?

Anonymous said...

WTF? Why haven't you told the police. You could have at least stopped him. Now he has his own little private toy with his wife that as soon as she gets old enough, he's going to hurt too. And you let this person back into your house?!?!? TELL THE POLICE. Then tell the family. He needs to be dealt with.

Anonymous said...

I know this is a difficult thing, but I'm afraid I don't understand why the DIL wasn't told BEFORE they married, BEFORE there was a risk to a child. Then she could have made a choice about whether to stay with him or not and had the option of marriage without children. He also would likely have been more motivated to get counseling at that point.

I was also molested by my brother. I was younger than your daughter was and never told anyone...I've had a rough time with this at different points in my life, but probably the worst period was after he became the father of a daughter and she neared the age I was when I was molested (4-6; he was 10 1/2 years older): the thought that my silence might be allowing someone else to be hurt really tore me up. Your stepson has shown numerous signs that he is still a threat--- save your granddaughter from this risk and save your daughter from the turmoil that she must feel knowing the risk her niece is in...tell your daughter-in-law. If you can't find the words, send her your post. If she can do it, have your daughter tell her as well or be there with you when you tell her. You said you were active in your church, I'd also suggest meeting with your pastor, letting him know the situation and asking him for advice about what you can do to best protect your granddaughter-- this will surely not be the first time he has dealt with such a situation and he can probably give you good advice about how to proceed (i.e. whom to contact if your DIL is unresponsive when you tell her).

Do whatever you can to protect your granddaughter.

Mrs. Messiness said...

Tell her.

I could all but guarantee that she has already seen signs - maybe your words would be what finally gives her proof and strength to believe her suspicions.

Even if she doesn't believe you - even if she gets angry - you will plant the seed and she will forever be watching closer.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, but we are only as sick as our secrets. You HAVE the power to be in control of this issue and to be that baby's saviour - do it.

Anonymous said...

Wow.

I am very sorry for what happened to your daughter and i am even sorrier it can happen to your grand daughter. I dont care if he is your son, stepson or jesus christ, he is a sick man who needs to be reported. He should have been reported years ago if you ask me. Who is to say he isnt exposing himself in public or molesting children elsewhere.

You had all the signs, he did it to your own child and you didn't tell the police?! This isnt something you just brush under the rug.

This makes me so incredibly sad. I cant believe this happens to people and the only thing they thing to do about it is write an anonymous blog post. Pathetic. Report him now.

Anonymous said...

You have a moral obligation to protect your granddaughter! Do it before it is too late. I'm sure his wife will thank you down the road and probably has had some weird nagging feelings about him that she is ignoring.

LAVANDULA said...

SECRETS DESTROY LIVES.!!!you have to tell your daughter -in-law.she needs to know what happened.what if he is still doing things like that? what if he hurts more children including your granddaughter.please i urge you to tell your daughter in law

katesaid said...

Three thoughts...

One is, I'd like to voice a gentle disagreement with several of the above commenters. Maybe reporting the stepson to the authorities back when you discovered his offenses against your daughter would have been the wrong choice. The criminal justice system is singularly BAD at providing careful, thoughtful attitudes and processes to victims of sexual assault. It's a bit better now, and continues to get better, but it's not good yet - and it was worse in the past. As for DCYF, you were a whole lot more likely to lose your kids due to *not* reporting him than if you had done so - but that's water under the bridge now.

Two, keeping the stepson's secret has communicated a very important thing to him: You are condoning his actions tacitly, covering them up and therefore allowing them to continue. In his mind, you have given him permission to act however he wants. This is not your fault - it's his mind that is the most damaged here - but it is a mistake you can still rectify. If you call your local women's crisis hotline, they can have someone help you tell your daughter-in-law... someone could even go with you to do it.

And three, if you're reading the comments, would you please consider giving an update? Just a sense of which direction you're leaning, or what has happened since you last posted?

Thanks... and take good care. This is not your fault, but you can make it better now.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the previous post wholeheartedly. You are taking far more risks as far as CPS is concerned by NOT reporting him than by reporting him. They could restrict your access to your grand daughter based on your choice NOT to protect her now.

As for him coming on to you and his continued inappropriate behavior: It does not matter one bit what you SAY to him to communicate there is nothing between the two of you... only the action you take. And based on your actions, there IS "something" between all of you and that is the secret you are keeping from his wife. You can SAY you disapprove and make it clear in "no uncertain terms" all you want, but in his mind, it isn't clear at all when you did not insist upon pressing charges against him when he molested your daughter (I know that would be heartbreaking thing to do) and by even allowing access to her, not matter how much forgiveness is given. When you DO these things to cover his CRIMES, when you DON'T stop him, it doesn't matter what you SAY.

Anonymous said...

Please forgive my indignant tone, but what on Earth are you waiting for. I'm not sure you mentioned how old your granddaughter is, but there is no "safe" age. No matter how young she is, you do not have any time to wait and see. You don't have until this baby is 12 or 10 or 8. It could start much much much sooner.

You have to be willing to risk NOT being a part of your daughter-in-law and granddaughter's lives in order to protect them. She may resent you for telling her the truth, but how do you know that she doesn't already have nagging concerns? Do you think she's going to share them with HIS family?

And I do understand you may be motivated to keep this secret for your daughter's sake. I do understand that, but I'm sure your daughter would not want her step-niece to be at risk either. I'm sure it's a nightmare... but you simply must tell his wife at the very least, if not the authorities. She may not believe you, and it might be create a huge rift. But then again, by refusing to talk about it, you don't know. There might be other people keeping secrets about him, too that once it comes out might compel her to be wary.

But I cannot stress enough that this kind of behavior may have already started with his daughter. Please don't delay any longer. For me reading this, it's like watching a train wreck that you know is going to happen but can't do anything to stop. But you can. You CAN.

Anonymous said...

I am afraid this man has already victimized more women and children than just you and your daughter.

Please speak out about it to save at least your grandchild.

And please get your daughter help.

It takes courage to rock the boat. Courage to do the right thing even if it means risking loosing something you value. You can be courageous.

Love is not getting to "love" and be grandma to that baby in the way that would make you happy.

Love is doing what is best for that baby, regardless of how hard it is and what it will mean for your relationship in the future.

I am hoping for you that you can find the courage and true love in your heart for that grandchild to do what is right. Painful, but right.

I think a world of burden and worry will lift from your shoulders to expose this secret.

Anonymous said...

I second the request for an update...I'd love to hear what's going on with this now...

And just in case it got lost somewhere in all you have read--- big (((HUGS))) to you. I know none of this has been easy for you--- please know you have a lot of women who want to support you in figuring out (and trying to follow through on) doing the right thing.

Anonymous said...

oh my god. TELL YOUR DAUGHTER IN LAW. Though if his behaviour is as obvious and gross as you describe, perhaps she also has some deviant sexual issues.

I am so sorry you are in this situation but I am also having a very hard time understanding why this was kept a secret. That man is sick. He needs help. Kicking him out was a great gut response, but that didn't exactly solve the problem.

Of course it was of utmost importance to protect your daughter, but my god -- absolutely no attempt to get him some help? Pressing charges would have been a great start to bringing this twisted secret into the open.

That guy needs help. He is clearly mentally ill. He's going to do something to his child. And you will hate yourself for not doing anything about it.

Salubrious Fervor said...

He will not stop on his own.

Shelli said...

Not all secrets are meant to be kept. The time to tell is NOW. Tell everyone. Print this blog post and hand it out to those that you cannot face.

Anonymous said...

you have a responsibility to tell. if you do not, it will be YOUR fault when your grandchild gets molested, just like it will be the fault of anyone who knew and did not tell.

do you want that? do you want your grandchild to suffer because you didn't want to rock the boat?

which is worse? knowing that your telling will create a terrible scene/rupture or knowing that your failure to tell resulted in another innocent child being the victim of this evil?