Abandoned

Posted by Anonymous.

It was almost 10 years ago when you called me on the phone. I had been expecting to hear from you earlier that day, and when you hadn't called, I tried to call you, but to no avail. When you finally did call, I was out of breath from getting the windows open. It was a hot August day in 1999.

We had just graduated college in May. I had known you for 4 years, and we were attached at the hip for just about that whole time. We lived in the same residence hall for the first few months of school, and then I moved home and commuted. I kept in touch with you and a few others from the building, and we became fast and tight friends. We would see each other every day after class and just about every weekend. When I came out to you during our sophomore year, you were so supportive. You took me under your wing and protected me from people who tried to hurt me with their words. You were so wonderful and caring. Your parents were the opposite, and you were a "lotus flower" that grew up and out of the dingiest of conditions. Remember that night that we were parked in front of your building talking, and some jerks started throwing snowballs at us because they thought we were together? You didn't even mind being considered gay by association. And when I fell for you, you supported me, and gently reminded me that you were straight. Yet you would confuse me. You would hold my hand as we walked together, let me bite you gently on the neck once. You were too good to be true, I can see that now. We were convinced we were sisters in another life. "Soul sisters" we called ourselves, and spent countless hours talking and writing each other notes expressing our love for one another. I did all I could do for you. I typed your papers for you as you dictated them to me. Helped you get over your fear of your public speaking course. My family let you stay with us during break weeks. And when your parents couldn't come get you after the end of Junior year because your dad got hurt, my dad and I brought you and all of your stuff the 4 hour drive (one way) home. Then we turned around and came back.

Then you met him. This guy, this one you said was annoying, ugly, and not your type. All of a sudden you were dating him. The kind of macho, egotistical, arrogant man I despised. You started spending more and more of your time with him, and I understood, but was of course jealous. I tried not to let you see it, but I'm sure you could.

You had spent a week at my house visiting just before that fateful phone call. I tried to ask how you were doing, talk like we had always done. But you were different. "I can't be your friend anymore," you said. The words cut through me like a knife and knocked the wind out of my chest. "What?" I said, stifling tears. "Look, I can't talk to you anymore, I don't want to." Click. You hung up on me. In the 4 years I knew you, you had never treated me that way, never hung up on me. And when I called back, he answered. Told me not to call you again. Told me this was not easy for you, but you had to do it. Why? That was my only question, but he hung up on me too. And then I threw up. I was convinced it was him, so I did try to call you again a few days later, and when I got you to answer, you hung up on me again and I knew it was you. Then you had the police call my house and tell me not to call again. The officer said I could try other ways of contacting you, but don't call. I put my fist through our "best friends" picture. I packed all of the things you ever gave me into a box and I was going to send it all to you. (I still have that box, buried away in my closet). I cried for days and it took a while to pull myself back up.

But I did. I got myself an apartment, new friends, and eventually, a girlfriend. I never heard from you again. I still think about you once in a while. I heard you did the same thing to some of your other friends, and that the ones you didn't do it to saw a noticeable change in your attitude. I heard you married him.

Now, 10 years later, I am still asking myself why? What did I do? Why did I deserve to be tossed out like garbage? But most of all I ask how? How could you do that to someone you supposedly love so much?

Every once in a while I come across your picture, or a note you wrote to me, and I have the urge to rip it to shreds, but part of me still hangs onto it. Part of me still has fantasies of you showing up on my doorstep, apologizing.

I am with the love of my life now. And we have everything in the world I have ever wanted. I know I am loved, and I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. Just once in a while you pop in my head, and I wish I had the closure I so desperately needed from you 10 long years ago.