Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Posted by Anonymous.

It was almost 10 years ago when you called me on the phone. I had been expecting to hear from you earlier that day, and when you hadn't called, I tried to call you, but to no avail. When you finally did call, I was out of breath from getting the windows open. It was a hot August day in 1999.

We had just graduated college in May. I had known you for 4 years, and we were attached at the hip for just about that whole time. We lived in the same residence hall for the first few months of school, and then I moved home and commuted. I kept in touch with you and a few others from the building, and we became fast and tight friends. We would see each other every day after class and just about every weekend. When I came out to you during our sophomore year, you were so supportive. You took me under your wing and protected me from people who tried to hurt me with their words. You were so wonderful and caring. Your parents were the opposite, and you were a "lotus flower" that grew up and out of the dingiest of conditions. Remember that night that we were parked in front of your building talking, and some jerks started throwing snowballs at us because they thought we were together? You didn't even mind being considered gay by association. And when I fell for you, you supported me, and gently reminded me that you were straight. Yet you would confuse me. You would hold my hand as we walked together, let me bite you gently on the neck once. You were too good to be true, I can see that now. We were convinced we were sisters in another life. "Soul sisters" we called ourselves, and spent countless hours talking and writing each other notes expressing our love for one another. I did all I could do for you. I typed your papers for you as you dictated them to me. Helped you get over your fear of your public speaking course. My family let you stay with us during break weeks. And when your parents couldn't come get you after the end of Junior year because your dad got hurt, my dad and I brought you and all of your stuff the 4 hour drive (one way) home. Then we turned around and came back.

Then you met him. This guy, this one you said was annoying, ugly, and not your type. All of a sudden you were dating him. The kind of macho, egotistical, arrogant man I despised. You started spending more and more of your time with him, and I understood, but was of course jealous. I tried not to let you see it, but I'm sure you could.

You had spent a week at my house visiting just before that fateful phone call. I tried to ask how you were doing, talk like we had always done. But you were different. "I can't be your friend anymore," you said. The words cut through me like a knife and knocked the wind out of my chest. "What?" I said, stifling tears. "Look, I can't talk to you anymore, I don't want to." Click. You hung up on me. In the 4 years I knew you, you had never treated me that way, never hung up on me. And when I called back, he answered. Told me not to call you again. Told me this was not easy for you, but you had to do it. Why? That was my only question, but he hung up on me too. And then I threw up. I was convinced it was him, so I did try to call you again a few days later, and when I got you to answer, you hung up on me again and I knew it was you. Then you had the police call my house and tell me not to call again. The officer said I could try other ways of contacting you, but don't call. I put my fist through our "best friends" picture. I packed all of the things you ever gave me into a box and I was going to send it all to you. (I still have that box, buried away in my closet). I cried for days and it took a while to pull myself back up.

But I did. I got myself an apartment, new friends, and eventually, a girlfriend. I never heard from you again. I still think about you once in a while. I heard you did the same thing to some of your other friends, and that the ones you didn't do it to saw a noticeable change in your attitude. I heard you married him.

Now, 10 years later, I am still asking myself why? What did I do? Why did I deserve to be tossed out like garbage? But most of all I ask how? How could you do that to someone you supposedly love so much?

Every once in a while I come across your picture, or a note you wrote to me, and I have the urge to rip it to shreds, but part of me still hangs onto it. Part of me still has fantasies of you showing up on my doorstep, apologizing.

I am with the love of my life now. And we have everything in the world I have ever wanted. I know I am loved, and I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. Just once in a while you pop in my head, and I wish I had the closure I so desperately needed from you 10 long years ago.


js said...

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I went through a similar situation a few years ago. I'd been best friends with her for 13 years and one day she told me that she couldn't be my friend anymore. I asked her if she could tell me why and she said, "Not now." That was 3 years ago, and I'm still wondering what I did that was so terrible to end a friendship that spanned over a decade. I know how much it hurts to not have that clousure. I don't think knowing 'why' would make it any easier for you or for me, but at least we would know. Sometimes I take comfort in thinking, "She wasn't that great of a friend to begin with", but it doesn't always work. I hope that you can someday get your closure, either from her or from yourself. In the meantime, keep your head up and continue to enjoy your life.

Anonymous said...

It sounds as if she was/is in an abusive relationship. He plays a major part in this narrative, and it may indicate that it wasn't really about you.

Anonymous said...

Dear friend: When I went to college, I left a very conservative and protected home behind. In college I met all kinds of people and made a lot of friends. Those friends did all sorts of things that weren't acceptable in my culture, but I delighted in the sin that surrounded me. The sexuality, drugs, cheating, partying, - I pretty much stood at the edges and was fascinated. You were my best friend, and you told me you were a lesbian. It was OK at school - as long as it stayed there. That's why I never took you to my home. My parents were very afraid of my school experience - including you.

Ends up, I got my nursing degree as I had planned, and after I moved back home to make plans for my life, with the guy I'd loved since we were kids - it was time to cut away from the unGodly culture I had nearly come to admire. It was easiest just to make a clean cut and start over. It never would have worked if I had explained. You would have thought I was preaching at you, and I didn't want it to come to that. I loved who you were, I hated what homosexuality had done to you. Just like I loved Jenny, but hated what alcohol and adultery did to her. My path is different that yours. I hope some day that you will find a way, and we will meet again in Heaven, and you will understand.

Peace. Suzanne from NPU.

Rachael said...

I cried when I read this. It SUCKS. I had a friend when I was a teenager. For two years, we were inseparable. Sleepovers every weekend. We would sing together and had whole imaginary worlds made up that we would create stories for. She "broke up" with me in a different way - she told me that over summer vacation she'd had a baby and that it belonged to a boy that she'd dated. It was a total lie. She kept up this facade for several years afterwards. We were never friends again. We barely talked through the rest of high school. To this day, I don't know why and I want to so badly. Still. It's been 15 years. I'm just sorry.

bikerchick said...

Been there and it still sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this. But it sure sounds like it's her hangup and has not a thing to do with you at all.

My friend disappeared from my life with a "poof" after we were as tight as could be, and had traveled the world together. Sure, we had our share of bumps on the road but who travels to India without losing it every couple of days? But nothing prepared me for the ker-thunk of getting dumped on my head. The fight was short and unremarkable, and triggered by what I thought was a long established pattern. So no biggie, right?

He moved to another city without telling me (though I know where he is) and simply vanished from my life. For several years I expected the phone to ring, a card, an email-- any explanation. It's now been 8 years and I still think of him. Somehow that will have to be enough. I wish you peace, as that may be all either of us can create out of this.

Bethany said...

After I read this post today, I saw a friend who I haven't spoken to in 5 years at the store.

We haven't spoken because I ended our friendship.

But I hope that she had more closure than you have felt - I tried to explain why I felt I couldn't be her friend any more.

But I still ache when I remember how close we were, how alone she must have felt when her husband was in Iraq, how I would have loved to have been in the delivery room when she gave birth to her son, how she lives less than a mile away now.

However, our friendship was very toxic, to say the least. I hate to sound all shrink-y, but I was extremely codependent. Her life literally BECAME my life, and I always felt it was my duty to help her live it.

When I finally came to that realization, I knew that our friendship had been in "that place" so long, there was no way out without severing the ties completely.

And I know that I didn't do it right, that I felt like I was drowning so quickly that I just blurted it out and hung up the phone. But I pray that she has forgiven me now, and that someday we can at least be acquaintances or even friends.

It was one of the hardest things I have done, and I still can't tell you if I'm a better person for it. But I can promise that I will never forget her and and I will always love her - even if I can't show her that myself.

If your friend is anything like me, please know she feels the same. Maybe someday you will be reunited - just think of the things you'll have to tell her!

Anonymous said...

I am the original poster of this, and I want to thank all of you for your kind words. It's nice to know I am not alone. I am so sorry for anyone else who has to deal with this.

Bethany- I hope you are right,if only that she thinks of me once in a while. I'm not sure what I would
do if she came back. Not sure I could trust her anymore.

"Suzanne from NPU", my homosexuality had nothing to do with my situation. She always said she believed everyone was at least a little bisexual, and came from an open-minded home(which I had visited). I hope you know that just because I am gay, it doesn't mean I am a bad person, or a person who does all those things you listed above. I mean, c'mon, your sexuality doesn't determine your actions (such as drug use, adultery, etc), you control your own actions. I may not fully believe in your God, but I am still a human being, and so was your friend.

michele said...

I have some similar feelings of abandonment. In my case it was family. In your case it was a close friend. But when the door is shut without a reason? Without acknowledging that something is wrong, or that something ended? The plain old why? That just sucks. In my case the family member took her secrets to her grave. I'll never know. It sucks. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry it sneaks up on you.

Redneck Mommy said...

My best friend turned on me last summer. I went away for a conference, came back five days later and she told me she no longer loved me. I saw her the day before I left for the conference and we had the best time. I still remember her leaning into my car, kissing my cheek and telling me she loved me and to have a good time.

Not only did she cut me out of her life without so much as a backwards glance, but she then interfered with our adoption plans causing us to lose custody of the foster boy we were trying to adopt.

I have no clue what happened and I'm past the point of bitterness. (Most days.) But I would love an explanation or some closure.

It won't happen so I try to move on but it doesn't take the hurt away.

I am sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Redneck Mommy, (original poster here) I am so sorry this happened to you too. I remember what it felt like one year after it happened, and I know your pain.

It's so weird how you can think you know someone so well, and then they just up and punch you in the gut! When this best friend left me the last time, she hugged me so tight, told me she loved me, got on the train, signed "I love you" through the window, and was off.

I just don't understand the heartlessness of people who can cut other people out like that! And for no reason at all. No fight, nothing. It still makes no sense to me.

BTW, I read your blog all the time, and you seem to be a very wonderful and loving person. I hope you find the strength to let go, and I hope I do too:)Good luck.