Thursday, May 28, 2009

Who Do You Think You Are?

Posted By Anonymous.

I have rage issues. Seriously. I want to punch my psycho step-sister in the face. Right. In. The. Face.

She puts the pictures of my kids in a drawer, and is still bringing in picture of her family - pictures taken in 2000. Stupid bitch.

She brought in a cheap-ass calendar from MacQuarries, and covered up the calendar that the nursing home put up. Stupid bitch.

She threw away my father's Werthers candy, and replaced them with sugar-free candy. He is not diabetic. Stupid bitch.

She bought Dad a book, he can't read it. The print is too small. Stupid bitch.

Sooner or later, I have no doubt that our paths will cross and there will be an eruption of ginormous proportions. I think I have remained silent for just about as long as I possibly can.

Poor Dad. He still doesn't have a sweet clue who she is. The other day, a nurse had to ask her to leave because she was getting him so agitated with her stupid questions. When will she get it? She hasn't been in the picture for so long, and now she's playing the good daughter?! Stupid, stupid, stupid bitch.

The only bright spot - just about everytime she's there, Dad asks her where we are - especially hubby. Ha. Ha. Ha. Stupid bitch. I hope that rots your socks off all the way home.

Why am I allowing this to consume me? My anger towards her seems to consume just about every waking moment of my time. I wake up in the night with headaches, because I'm clenching my teeth so bad. I avoid the grocery store that I always shop in because I don't want to run into her daughter, becuase I'm afraid of what I might say.

Now she's bringing in the other brothers - one who hasn't seen or spoken to his father for 20 years. Stupid alcoholic bastard. Another hasn't seen him in 16 years. Stupid bastard. I think at least he had brains enough to give up the alcohol after he got fired. And he had the balls to leave a note for one of the nurses saying that he was upset that his father seemed so bored.

Are you people clueless? Do you have any sort of brain in your pea-sized head? Do you really think a man with Alzheimers, who hasn't seen you for as long as 20 years, and at least 5 for the stupid bitch, is really going to know who you are? Do you even deserve to be known? Do you even have a right to show your wretched faces? How dare you all. I hate each and every one of you with every ounce of my being.

This is killing me. Never have I known such anger, and it scares me. I think really crazy thoughts sometimes. I'm actually plotting my revenge and I have my speech prepared for Dad's funeral.

I just don't know how to handle this. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to just let it go, like hubby says. But I can't. What gives any of them the right to come back into his life now? What gives them the right to try and sooth their guilty souls. What gives them the right to be his children.

I just don't get it.


Jill said...

I don't know that anything I can say can help you. But what I feel from your words is a bit of jealousy, a lot of bitterness and, to be honest, quite a bit of possessiveness. I think you need to step back and think about who is the most important person to consider right now and it sounds like it's your dad. Nothing she does takes away from what you do. You can take your kids' picture out of the drawer. You can undo the things she does. None of those things are permanent. Or... you can just be there for your dad and forget about the pettiness. Rise above and do the right thing. She's being selfish. Don't stoop to her level. Don't let her bring you down. Do what you need to do for your dad and let karma deal with her. For what it's worth...

witchypoo said...

Well, you did say you had rage issues. Maybe the older children had a far different life than you did, and maybe they are coming by to make peace with it. Unless it's entirely about money, then all bets are off.
What I'm certain about is that you are causing yourself physical harm to yourself with this anger. Is it so important to hang onto it? What will happen to you if you don't have the anger? That she will get away with being a turd? She will continue to act turd-y whether you blow up at her or not. I have a sound file that I created for anxiety self-treatment. You can substitute anger for anxiety, if you are willing to let it go.
It walks you through the how, step by step, all you need to bring is the willing.
Anyone here who would like to manage their anxiety, anger, or pain, please feel free to download the file. It is my gift to you.

KL said...

I know how hard it is to watch a parent go through their final days - I lost my mother to a slow death from cancer. You are justifiably and obviously stressed-out and grieving. Been there. It sucks. At least I had a very supportive extended family. I'm glad you have this forum to vent a little.

I think your husband's on to something though with his "just let it go" advice. It's not worth it to add to your grief over father with more negativity over you siblings. One problem at a time please!

The stupid stuff like the pictures (which, I agree, is incredibly inconsiderate) is just not worth getting hurt over. Even if she's TRYING to hurt you, letting it hurt you only hurts YOU and lets her "win." Roll your eyes and take the high road.

You may consider your (half-)siblings showing up now to be too little, too late but that is THEIR problem. Their presence and behaviour may be annoying but their presence in no way diminishes the value of YOUR relationship with your father. Directing your grief over your father's health at them doesn't help either.

If you're experiencing ongoing symptoms, e.g., headaches and intrusive thoughts, from your distress, maybe it's time to seek some third-party help from a counsellor, doctor, or clergyman?

Good luck! And I hope that you have some other supports (like your husband, other friends and family) to help you through this hard time. You'd be there for them, right? Use whatever support you can find.

Anonymous said...

I'd be pissed, too.

Unknown said...

If I were a shrink, and I'm not, but I did once proofread a psych textbook for a professor, I'd say this is a classic example of transference.

You're (understandably) completely pissed off that you're losing your dad to Alzheimer's, but you can't really get mad at him for being sick, and you can't get mad (maybe) at God for giving it to him (maybe you don't believe in God, maybe you don't believe that God "gives" people Alzheimer's), and it seems pretty fruitless to get pissed at the universe or the chaos for randomly selecting him to suffer this end... so you're turning your anger and frustration on your steps.

Normal. Healthy? Maybe, depending on how you handle it. I think you need to sign up for a really intense kick boxing class.

Remember that your rage isn't hurting THEM, it's hurting YOU.

Just be the best daughter you can be right now, and try not to let the actions of others make you so angry. On the other hand, if they agitate your father, you need to be his advocate and protect him from that discomfort by (attempting to) limit their visits. Perhaps you should speak to the director of his facility?

Good luck,

Ariel said...

Nail the pictures to the wall honey :)
If they aren't in the will now, they'll never be.
I think they suck too :) Hang in there :)

Anonymous said...

So that's what I have to look forward to...

My half-sibs are the same. Yrs w/o any communication then they are back on the scene. One of their kids actually asked my dad, upon meeting him for the 1st time, 'Can I have your car when you die?'

At least mine aren't in his will, so I doubt they'd show for a funeral.

Anonymous said...

My mother felt exactly the same way when her parents were dying. It is what's commonly known as transferance. You can't be mad at your father, so you're mad at everyone else who knows him. Of course. Of course you are. I would be too.

But listen, except for some of the really crap, inconsiderate stuff (the pictures, for example), it's just run of the mill insensitive, not evil. Don't poison relationships with these people for no reason--just keep putting the pictures out and telling yourself that you're all getting through the days any way you can. That's all you can do.

Anonymous said...

Thank you all! Your comments made me laugh, and also cry. Support from absolute strangers is very moving.

I actually sent this to be posted a couple months ago, and since then I've found a few outlets for my anger. Feeling much better and am able to totally ignore the "village idiots."

Oh, and Ariel - I did nail the pictures to the wall! hahah. Not that it matters so much, because they've all pretty much stopped visiting him.

Mbdiamond said...

I would send them all letters NOW rather than airing dirty laundry and disgracing your father's funeral... there'd be no way to undo that injustice.

And I agree... just start UN-doing all the petty little crap she's doing... pictures/calendar etc.

Anonymous said...

You had a point, but lost me when you kept calling her a B* - which is woman-hating (no matter how many people try to "reclaim" the word).

So, I hope your situation gets better (and that you take a women's studies class in the future).

Anonymous said...

Oh! I wish I were with you so you could jump up and down and be pissed and I could yell, "I Hear Ya, Babe!" Everyone needs a friend like that and I hope you have someone by your side soon. You'd be amazed how much it helps just to get it out, so I hope writing this note gave you some relief.
I've been in your spot, and nothing eats you from the inside out like impotent rage. Sh*t happens - and family sh*t is the worst. It doesn't matter if it's called 'transference' or 'crappysiblingitis' it can take rage-bottle-uppers like you and I to our knees.
Oh, the funeral thing is a great fantasy, but don't do it. It'll make you look bad and your dad wouldn't like that.
Find someone neutral and yell it out. find a way to rise above it. I know you can!

dkaz said...

Your anger is killing you and you are the only one who can change that. I think St. Augustine said: "Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies." The situation you are in sucks and it is unfair, but you can't change them, you can only change you. I have been in your position and believe me, acting on your feelings of hate will not bring you gratification; it will really make things so much worse for you. Try and work on forgiving them for their transgressions - you don't have to extend the olive branch or even be nice. For your sanity and health, let it go.