Monday, June 01, 2009

Dear Mom

Posted by Anonymous.

Mom,

I’m sorry to have hurt you like this. I just really needed to take a step back away from all of the drama that surrounds you and my sister. At times it feels like it’s engulfing me and putting my family in pain.

I’m tired of the family always asking me if I’ve seen or talked to you. I’m tired of being told I should make the effort even if you aren’t. It’s not fair to me to be the only one trying. I do not appreciate you telling my aunt that you call regularly and leave messages but I don’t call you back. If you leave me a message I always call you back. You rarely call me; you didn’t even bother to call me on Christmas. Every other year I called you. I’m tired of putting all the effort in. I have a very busy life of my own to worry about. It aggravates me to no end that you tell everyone how much you miss my boys but you’ve never once bothered to pick up the phone to specifically talk to them. Not once mom, no matter what you like to tell everyone.

That’s another thing. Your lies are out of control. Sometimes I don’t know if you know what the truth is anymore. I have caught you in lies about stupid stuff that doesn’t even matter. You lie about why you need money. You called me and told me drug dealers wanted $5000 from you or they were going to kill you. Seriously mom, how stupid do you think I am? My sister has called me numerous times because you’ve wanted her to get money from people she knows. You ask for thousands of dollars at a time. It would be one thing if you got into a jam once or twice for a few hundred, but you have many times over asked for thousands of dollars. What are you doing with your money? Normally I would say it’s none of my business but you’re the one that came to me needing money so you made it my business. I am really worried about you. Money isn’t the only thing you lie about though. I’m tired of lies, lies and more lies. You and my sister both are bad about that.

My sister is another thing. No matter what you say or want to think. She always came first in your life. If she did something the boys were blamed. When they moved out I got blamed. My brother’s wife didn’t tell you the truth about the type of parent you were to the boys because she isn’t the type of person to hurt someone else. The boys walked away from you because everything was always their fault, never my sister’s.

When I had my sister arrested because I was finally fed up with getting hit you told the police I should be arrested. You told them I started the fight, even though my sister did. You let me move out onto the streets when I was 16 with nowhere to go instead of kicking her out even though she was 26 and old enough to be on her own. When she busted a blood vessel in my eye (I was 12) you said I must have done something to deserve it. She hit me plenty of times and you never once stopped it. You’ve never protected me. You made me feel like I was unlovable and unworthy of love. Do you know how screwed up it is to tell your child her father wanted an abortion? He told me you wanted one after I told him you said that. I can remember plenty of times you slapping the shit out of me because I would fight back when my sister would start fights with me. I know I wasn’t a perfect kid, but I was pretty damn good. I was respectful, I stayed out of trouble, made good grades while I worked full time. I didn’t go out partying, I was the sober one to make sure my friends would be safe. Nothing I did was ever good enough to get your attention. You were so focused on my sister and niece. I was your minor child. I should have been your focus. I should have been killed in that car accident and I couldn’t even find you to bring me home from the hospital. You were out getting drunk. I remember calling hospitals because you didn’t come home all night. I woke up at 7 and when I noticed you still weren’t home I was scared you were killed in a drunk driving accident.

After my sister finally moved out you spent more time in a bar then you did at home. You were so worried about chasing men that it didn’t register you still had a kid to raise. Thank god I did a decent job of raising myself. Yeah you were there while I bowled and was in Job’s daughters, but you weren’t involved in it. I felt like you were there because it made you look good because I was good at both of them. I can remember you yelling at me plenty of times while bowling because I wasn’t doing a good enough job.
While growing up I pushed the hurt you caused me out of my heart. I figured I couldn’t make you love me; I couldn’t make you think I was as good as my sister so why get upset about it. After I had my own children all that pain came back. I look at my babies and I actually interact and play with them. I enjoy them so much. I am involved with every facet of their life. I look at them and wonder why wasn’t I good enough for you to want that with me? Why wasn’t I good enough to play with? Why wasn’t I good enough to talk to? Why wasn’t I as good to you as my sister is? You can keep telling yourself you were equal to me and my sister, you can keep telling yourself and everyone you love us the same, but I was there. There was no equality in that house. My sister was the light of your life. Two of my brothers both agree that my sister was it for you.

You told the family way before my husband and I ever had problems that he was cheating on me. You say my niece told you he was. What about asking me first before spreading it around? My life is my life; it’s not gossip material for you to spread. You keep talking how my husband’s family treats me like shit. They used to, but not anymore. How they treated me was my fault too. It’s been instilled in me that I do not deserve to be loved so I figured there was no way they would love me. I took everything as a slight because I was taught to be the victim. Now that I’ve finally let them into my heart and realize that they do love me, things are much better with them. I have a happy life here. I don’t miss the drama that I dealt with up there. I’m tired of you asking me when I’m going to visit “home” again but in all the time I’ve been gone you haven’t made the effort to visit me. 9 years is long enough to save the money to come visit. Last time I checked the road goes both ways. Quit telling people how much you miss us when you don’t bother to call or even attempt to visit.

I’m not ready to have a relationship with you right now. I don’t know if or when I will ever be. It’s too hard to love my kids as much as I do and have my heartbreak knowing you never once made me feel that way. When they wake up scared or sick at night, I go to them willingly with no anger. When I was 12 I cried out for you because I was sick and you yelled at me. I realized then, you wouldn’t be protecting me; you weren’t there to make things better. I was 12 when I first started thinking about suicide. I felt so alone and unloved. I thought my own mom doesn’t love me; my dad was wrapped into himself because of grief. If they couldn’t be there for me I would be better off dead. I wanted the pain to stop. Thankfully I realized I didn’t want to go to hell so I stopped myself. I prayed every single night for God to let me die. I was so angry with God because I thought he was tormenting me by making me go through life unloved. I thought I was a bad person because I was so unlovable. I thought God was punishing me for being so bad. I prayed and prayed to die. I prayed until I met my husband and finally found someone willing to give me his heart. Do you have any idea how hard it is to spend that much time waiting for God to let you die so you won’t hurt anymore?

I wish I could forget, and let it go. But there are so many things I remember, so much hurt I felt, it just stays at the surface. This hurt, this pain, this anger, it’s enough to make me scream. I can remember you threatening not to sign the financial aid paperwork for college because you were mad at me. You said you wouldn’t help me with school. When I told you all you had to do was to sign the papers, you told me you wouldn’t. What kind of mom says that to her kid?

I don’t know if or when I’ll be ready to talk to you. I’ve got things to work out in my heart before I can deal with this drama. I’m tired of lies, especially the lies that are easily found out. I’m not a stupid person, when you lie to me I will uncover the truth. When you tell crazy out there lies, I know it’s a lie. I can tell by the tone of your voice when you’re telling lies or stretching the truth. We can’t have a relationship until you figure out how to stop with the lies. Relationships can only be built on the truth.

Your not good enough daughter

16 comments:

Carrie said...

You're better than you know. Your mom and sister sound like they haven't grown up and have no intentions to at the moment. My best advise, for what it's worth, is to live with the love you have now with your family members who are willing to give it freely & openly, when your mom and sister are ready to really love you I hope it's not too late.

Hayley said...

You know, some people are just not meant to be parents. That's not your fault. You just do your own thing and if she comes around, great, but if not- her loss.

Good luck.

Kay said...

I hope getting that out (even if your mom doesn't read it) made you feel a little better.
Eventually we get to the point where we realize we can't change the past, and that the people who hurt us probably won't change. It's not an easy place to be, but it makes moving on just a little bit easier.
Good for you for standing up for yourself by limiting contact with her. You obviously deserve better.

J from Ireland said...

You sound as if you are an excellent mother to your children. Good for you not having that drama in your life. I know what it feels like in a family with favourites. Its soul destroying. Maybe someday you will be in a better place to be able to deal with the drama or maybe you never will. I just wish you the best of luck with this.

Anonymous said...

Oh, honey. You're good enough. You have a crappy mom and a crappy sister. What are you getting from having them in your life? In your shoes, I would walk away. Easy to say, you might be thinking, but I've done it and am better for it. I wish you peace and strength, and a really good therapist to help you realize that you don't deserve any of the awful treatment you've received from people who were supposed to look out for you.

Anonymous said...

You are braver and healthier than you know. Letting all this out here is a very good idea. Keep your perspective - your best revenge is to be the best mother you can for your own babies, and it seems that is what you are accomplishing!
Hang in there!
(Oh, and my parents refused to sign my FAFSA forms also - costing me thousands of dollars in aide. I managed to be a success in spite of them.)

Crazed Mom said...

Congrats on breaking the cycle of neglect and abuse!!!!!! HOORAY for you. Your boys are lucky to have you.

As for Mom.....sometimes one just has to let go of the past and the present with a parent. It sounds like you and your family are better off w/o her.

Best wishes!!!!

Barbara said...

I am glad that you have been doing better for yourself, and I hope that writing this has helped you.

I wish you all the best as you continue to deal with these issues.

Anonymous said...

God bless you! That is the most horrible Basement Post I've read in quite a while. Not horribly written (very, very good writing) but such a horrible series of experiences.
I hope that since you are now a parent you realize not a speck of whatever the bleep your mother's problem is could possibly be your fault.
I can't imagine growing up in such an environment. It is so obvious that your mother needed help long ago.
I know it's hard,but sometimes it is best to "divorce" ourselves from some family members. They are toxic and it is not fair for them to ask you to visit.
I had to cut off my late-husband's step-mother. She is very much like your mother. I just can't expose my children to such people and you shouldn't let anyone guilt you into pretending the past didn't happen.
Ame in TN

Anonymous said...

I'm the writer of this post. You know, the sad part is this letter doesn't evev begin to touch on what they did to me. Seeing my letter posted and your comments to me help more than I imagined it could. In a weird way I'm glad I wasn't the favored child. I could have become my sister. By them hurting me as they did they've made me a better mommy. I do everything in my power to be the best mommy, wife, friend, person I can be. I'm so grateful for your words of encouragement. Thank you all for bolstering my resolve to keep them out of my life. It's been 5 months since I've talked to them, 5 of the happiest least stressed months I've ever had.

Suki said...

1. Please don't feel guilty about cutting your mom completely out of your life. I've done this with my dad, and I'm so much happier. Stop receiving calls or replying to mails. Stop calling. Live your own life.
2. You are worth the love and affection you get. But some people just aren't equipped to offer love and affection. Unless it serves their own needs, of course. How she treated you is her defect, not yours.

I wish I could get past my own fears enough to give you a long and well thought-out reply. But this is really all I have to say.
All the best, to the best daughter.

Suki said...

I just saw your reply.
Just wanted to add - I've been out of touch with the father for two years and more now. I wonder if he and his parents are alive or dead sometimes, but things are really so so so much better without him in my life.

It gets easier as time goes by, and the self-image ruined by abuse begins to recover.

Anonymous said...

I think we all agree. The Poster holds no blame. I doubt there was/is anything she could have done to deserve the situation she is in and I doubt there is anything she can and/or should try to do. She can't fix this because she didn't have a hand in creating this crazy situation.
I think the best thing for her and hers is to ignore all communication from her so-called mother. If push comes to shove, I think she should shove the truth right on out there.
Ame in TN

Sarah in Arizona said...

I just wanted to say "I'm sorry" for all of the times you should have heard it from your mother.

I have a feeling you haven't heard that enough in your life, though you definitely have deserved to.

I hardly ever comment on the stories that I read here, but I'm sure there are many more like me who want you to know, we're praying for you, and YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

LegalMist said...

Wow. What a heartbreaking story.

I hope you will consider counseling, not because you are not good enough - you are! - but to help you come to terms with the fact that your mom wasn't "good enough," and maybe gain some insight into how that affects you and how you can move forward and feel good about yourself.

It sounds to me like you have many reasons to feel good about yourself.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I haven't talked to my parents for a year. Best year of my life.

I agree that some people just shouldn't be parents.