Posted by Anonymous.
20 years ago the passion was there. 20 years ago it was love and sex and fun. 20 years ago...
Today it's "hurry up and get it over with, I'm tired". Today it's "not now". Today it's been 6 months.
Therapy for me? for her? How do I adjust? I don't want to be platonic best friends. I can't talk to anyone about it. I refuse to talk with friends or family that may hold it against her.
It's up to me. I've been the instigator for years and years. I can't take the "no's" It hurts for weeks. I want to love, to make love. I don't want a quick fuck. I want the intimacy. I miss the intimacy.
I try to talk about it- nothing. I try romance-nothing. I try planning ahead, dropping hints for tonight- she gets a headache, stomach ache... that night- nothing. I try surprise attack- nothing. I try a night away from the hustle and bustle- nothing. I try before I go away for a night- nothing. After I've been away- nothing. In celebration, in sorrow, alcohol, early bed, late bed, middle of the night, morning, early morning...
We are best friends. I know she loves me. I know she is faithful. I know she enjoys making love, when we do.
I am at a loss.
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9 comments:
Depression?? Maybe?? Sounds like it to me...
Hope things get better soon.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but hetero relationships get like this too. I do think there's something going on with your partner, be it depression or menopause? or something else. You need to talk about it --maybe therapy? Would she go?
Hang in there!
Can you find a way to share with her how much it hurts you to be shut out of the intimacy that you had before (and the rejection/burden of always being the instigator though might have to wait to be addressed later)? If yes, that sounds like the starting point for a conversation on what needs to happen next: Medical checkup? Therapy for her/you two as a couple?
Good luck to you both.
Posting here was such a relief- a letting go.
We continue to move forward with the issue laid out on the table. An issue we have visited before, an issue that we are both fully aware of and both acknowledge needs constant attention and work.
It's not all better- but much improved.
Thanks to herbadmother and your beautiful basement! Loving the decor.
Here's what you DIDN'T say you did:
Offer to help with the kids.
Give her a night out.
Treat her to a spad day.
Wash her hair.
Cook.
Do laundry.
Clean.
WTF guys?? Give her something like THAT and she will "make love" to you for a week!
6:47- Did you note the title? I am the homemaker and I did do all those things... FYI.
Oh lord, I'm so there, only it's been 2 years without, not 6 months. I think it's harder when it's 2 women, like us. A man can get it over with quickly and a woman can fake out a man: sometimes all you need is to go through the motions to jump-start the real thing. But lesbian sex is such a *production,* and when you are tired? I'm the bio-mom and am so exhausted I can't see straight most of the time. Sex is low on my list.
I have *no* answers for you, sorry to say, just a note saying you're not alone.
@8:53-Lesbian sex is such a production? What? Since when is kissing and holding and touching and closeness a production? Girl, your hormones are whack.
Its menopause, Lost. Unfortunately I came out late, and my partner and I were only together for about a year before perimenopause struck. She is a decade older than me, and I want no other woman, but the hurt you feel i sure understand, because I hear you saying that she is making it about fucking, when you miss the love.
The thing is , I promise, she misses it too...she just doesn't know where her desire for it went, and she doesn't want to confront it. She prolly feels less like a woman. This can, and prolly will, go on for years. My best advice? four years later? is this:
You aren't going to leave her over sex. Get used to it, love her however she is able to be loved, let her love you however she is able to love you, and face it together as a couple. Because, frankly, unless she is willing to take horny goat weed, or use ky intense, or get her hormone levels checked and take birth control or something, this is your life for the forseeable future.
I decided I love her too much to let sex cause us to lose each other. But it was a long, bitter battle before I gave up on the idea of the satisfying intimate life I'd always dreamed of. My one regret is that I would never have fought at all. If I knew then all the useless pain we'd go thru, the hurt, the confusion, the self recrimination and blows to my self esteem, I would have just said, nevermind, honey, lets play scrabble again.I love you no matter what.
@8:53-Lesbian sex is such a production? What? Since when is kissing and holding and touching and closeness a production? Girl, your hormones are whack.
Its menopause, Lost. Unfortunately I came out late, and my partner and I were only together for about a year before perimenopause struck. She is a decade older than me, and I want no other woman, but the hurt you feel i sure understand, because I hear you saying that she is making it about fucking, when you miss the love.
The thing is , I promise, she misses it too...she just doesn't know where her desire for it went, and she doesn't want to confront it. She prolly feels less like a woman. This can, and prolly will, go on for years. My best advice? four years later? is this:
You aren't going to leave her over sex. Get used to it, love her however she is able to be loved, let her love you however she is able to love you, and face it together as a couple. Because, frankly, unless she is willing to take horny goat weed, or use ky intense, or get her hormone levels checked and take birth control or something, this is your life for the forseeable future.
I decided I love her too much to let sex cause us to lose each other. But it was a long, bitter battle before I gave up on the idea of the satisfying intimate life I'd always dreamed of. My one regret is that I would never have fought at all. If I knew then all the useless pain we'd go thru, the hurt, the confusion, the self recrimination and blows to my self esteem, I would have just said, nevermind, honey, lets play scrabble again.I love you no matter what.
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