Posted by Anonymous.
I saw him yesterday. Him, the one that I had such a bad crush on in college. Him, that I hooked up with one night, and kissed far too few times. Him, that said that we couldn't be more than friends.
I wish that, 16 years later, that I didn't still wish he had given us more of a chance. I am very happily married, but I wonder at how he looks at me. I wonder if his wife knows that had I only shaved my legs, I would have screwed her husband that night, and would have enjoyed it. I wonder if she knows that I know just how big he is, and part of me wouldn't care if she did.
I look at her, and I can't help but compare. We are alike, you know. We have the same profession, we're the same height. We have similar hair color. And I wonder how come she got him instead. We were compatible. We have similar interests and values. Seeing him here, now, in a place we share again tells me that. Were you that opposed to my personality? Was I that repulsive? Or do you wonder, too? Do you wish the same things as I? I suppose I'll never know.
I would never voice this. I would never let you know. I know it is wrong for me to think of the passionate love we could have shared, and wonder how it would feel to be her. So I'll keep it my secret, and always wonder...what might have been.
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9 comments:
Maybe he thought you came on too strong. He is married now so I think you are right in keeping it to yourself, as adultery might not be a value you "share." At least I hope not.
I have one of these, too. It hurts, but instinct says to keep it as it is. Sometimes wondering (and dreaming) is sweeter than knowing.
I know how you feel and wonder often about my case as well. But that is all we have.
Oh, the many things I might have done but for leg hair.
No, adultery isn't my plan. I'm happily married, only wanted to voice something I could never say out loud!
I am totally with you. I have one of these as well. I still occasionally wonder, why not me? What was wrong with me? I think that these things stay with us so vividly because they happened in our "formative" years. Luckily, this is dulling over time.
I have another theory that pondering this, even though I am also happily married, is like a release valve for daily life - like an escape.
I'm sorry, but all I can think is "your poor husband". Because all of that should be for him.
I don't get people who live in the past. It's an incredible waste of emotional energy.
@ Candy - LOL (your comment threw me for a loop then I really did laugh out loud).
@ Poster - wonder away but never let anything progress. Stay happily married. 16 years is LONG time and he's probably not "all that"!
Puh-lease. If you were with him, you would be wondering about what it would be like with your current husband as you picked Mr. College Crush's dirty underwear off the floor.
Grow up, sister.
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