Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Trapped

Posted by Anonymous.

I have a problem and I'm feeling trapped. To begin with, I'm 27 going on 28 this October and I got married at 19. I lived with my then husband from middle of senior year at high school. Now I'm not saying I'm a deadbeat and a high school drop-out. I continued to work hard and graduated from high school on time with high honors. I worked hard in college and graduated with both Associates and Bachelors in business administration while working full-time. I'm mature and very rational. I now have two kids, the first born 4 years after I married and graduated from college. I'm trying to think of the best way to describe my marriage, I consider my husband my best friend most of the time, we've been through a lot and we've worked incredibly hard to be where we are right now - a great job, two great kids, a nice home, etc. But! I secretly call this a 'marriage of convenience'. When we first met (he's 4 years older than me) I fell in love but he was my only and first and I thought it would 'get better' and thought it was me... It is awkward talking about our sex life because I have never told anyone that our sex life has sucked from the beginning. I feel that I got married too young and should've dated more & played the field. I look at other men that I could've dated and think 'what could have been' I've cheated on him briefly (only to 1st base and dating) when I went to college in another state for one semester but I went back to him and he proposed right away and I left college for him. I enrolled in college locally and went to college with him. We were joined at the hip. I still blame him (and he knows it) for making me leave that college. We have arguments and I always end up having to compromise with him. I've seriously considered divorce but I am a product of divorce and know how hard it is for single mothers and my husband would never let me take the kids or at least give me an hard time. I know he loves me, he worships the ground I walk on, he's good to me but I am simply not happy. I have a boring marriage and a boring sex life to the point I can't stand for him to touch me. I give in once in a while and tell myself that just to relax, maybe it'll be better, try new things, get the 'passion' back in the marriage, etc. There was a 'little' passion in the beginning of our relationship but it fizzled but we got along incredibly well and he was good to me. He is 'safe'.

I did not intend to make my history so long. Ok, my problem is that... I've met a guy I really like and I know he likes me. I've met guys before that I get along so well and begin to like and I play with the idea of cheating on my husband to see if the grass is greener on the other end but never did. This guy - I like, I've known him for few weeks. I get a strong feeling that he likes me but our lifestyles are so different. He is the 'bad boy persona' and I am trying to rationalize with myself that if in the chance we do get together, I can't hold him back and it would be wrong to enter a cheating relationship and we'd have to hide. We know the same people, he knows my husband and in fact, my husband is the one who hired him. He's a college student (older), scruffy guy, etc but wow - he looks like John Travolta. He's that handsome. His group is not the type of people I'd hang out with and I keep telling myself that eventually, I'd be trying to get him to change his wardrobe, change him, etc. I am seriously considering divorce in a few years when the kids go into school full-time so I can get a job and support the kids on my own. This guy and I get along incredibly well. He shows a lot of interest in me and I can't help but really like him and want to get to know him better but where do I draw the line? Do I get out of a good (and boring) marriage just so I can play and be free? What if my husband is really the guy but I've ruined it. I don't want to get a divorce by mistake and I'm feeling really confused and I absolutely can't talk to anyone about this, not even my friends because honestly, I'm incredibly embarrassed to have trapped myself into this situation with my husband and our personal life is embarrassing. I feel that nobody will understand where I am coming from and I'm afraid that my friends would gossip. I've mentioned a few of my feelings once in a while and I've mentioned divorce once in a while but I truly can't talk about this with my husband. Believe me, I've tried spicing things up in bed, etc but I feel absolutely dead inside - no passion, no feelings, etc.

Ok - I'm done - I could continue on forever. I'm a rational person but inside, I'm really not.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Be careful. You have a good husband and a good marriage, but it's boring. It's easier to spice up your marriage and divorce your otherwise stellar husband.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is if you leave, leave for yourself, date yourself for a couple of years, don't leave for someone you don't even know.
You married your husband before you even knew yourself and your first duty is to yourself and your children.

Anonymous said...

I have to tell you...all relationships fizzle at some point. Some reignite, true, but everyone gets bored eventually. I don't know what to tell you about sex, other than to keep trying. Because a few months of hot sex with a new guy is not worth being treated like shit thereafter. If you have someone who treats you well, I think it's probably worth it to try to improve the sex.

I doubt it's really about sex though - it seems like it's more about feeling trapped. Some people are incapable of being content. You may be one of them - the grass will always be greener somewhere else. You may also be someone who is not taking responsibility for your choices. You say your husband made you leave your out of state college - he didn't. You chose to marry him or rather you chose to not make a decision that would cause you to lose him. Stop blaming him for that.

I hope you can resolve your feelings one way or another. Cheating is a poor choice - either work at your marriage or end it before you begin another relationship. Divorced parents are easier on kids than cheating parents.

Anonymous said...

maybe you should talk to your doctor about your lack of interest in sex. they could be something going on hormonally that is adding to your boring sex life.
and i am in a similar relationship ...been with my hubby for 10 yrs, we have 2 kids, he's a little older and is a very reliable and loving guy. he's also quite boring sometimes. I just close my eyes and think of the bad boy during sex when i need a little extra something to get me going. what hubby doesnt know wont hurt him:)
but i still love my husband, do you?

Anonymous said...

I could have written your post a year ago.

I left. It's been a year and I have doubts sometimes that I did the right thing for me. But I think that's only because my relationship with the "bad boy" has not gone smooth over that time.

If I'm honest with myself and ask would I leave again? Yes.

But I don't have kids.

Anonymous said...

Please take all my comments in the spirit they were intended - compassion and concern. I cheated on a boyfriend once, with similar feelings as yours (though I was not yet married), so I am not judging you.

You say you cannot talk to friends, but can you talk to a counselor? And not some counselor who is going to simply confirm all your feelings about leaving your husband, but someone who could give you tools to cope and save and improve your marriage. I encourage you to find a counselor like that.

I am not telling you what to do, but it sounds like if you leave, you would be hurting a good man and your kids - and possibly yourself. Admittedly, I say this because I come from divorced parents too, and I believe that marriage is forever (except when abuse or cheating is going on). Chances are things won't work out with this "bad" guy, so definitely don't end your marriage just for him. Cheating may seem very very tempting right now, but think about your kids and your integrity.

Praying for you and wishing you all the best. :)

ACTing Like A Mama said...

I think if you still have questions, and are still confused about whether to walk away from your marriage - then you should stay, and put some more effort in. For me, I would think it would be your very last option. Why don't you talk to your husband - tell him how you feel, even mention that you have thought of finding the passion elsewhere - chances are he could be in the same position too and you just don't know it. Sex is a mutal activity and if your heart isn't it, then its not going to be so fun for him either - which means he probably doesn't put as much effort as he can in. You owe it to your kids to give your marriage every chance - even if it's going to hurt your husband, you owe him the truth at least. And who knows, that passion that was there at the start, may reignite.

St said...

counseling, counseling, counseling.
I can't recommend it highly enough. I was seeing one for a while for myself and then when DH and I hit rough patches we would go in together and work it out in a place I felt safe.
The marriage is obviously worth trying for, right? Maybe he doesn't know how you really feel, telling him with a counselor will go much better than springing it on him in the kitchen. In the meantime, do not pursue even a closer friendship with the guy you're looking at. Cheating leads nowhere good.

Anonymous said...

You say you've known this guy for a few weeks? Don't even think about cheating/divorcing until 6 months have gone by. Lust happens fast, really thinking things might be better with this person might change in the course of 6 months.

If you decide that you'd be better off divorcing you have to decide that it'd be better to play the field...not just date this one guy...because that might not happen.

Either way, don't cheat, it's just wrong. Your Husband sounds like he deserves the respect of at least being told the truth and being left rather than being cheated on.

Anonymous said...

If you are the rational person that you claim to be, then you would know that thinking that "the grass is greener on the other side" rarely is true. I think it is completely selfish of anybody to destroy their childrens' lives just to persue their own selfish happiness. Are you the best wife possible? I doubt it especially since you are giving so much emotionally to walking out when there are so many options to improve your marriage. How can you fathom destroying your family for someone you have known for a few weeks??? Don't your children deserve better than that? Doesn't your husband deserve a chance to improve things if you but only have a conversation with him? There are so many things that you can do to spice it up in the bedroom. Marriage has it's ups and downs and the way that character is determined is what we do when things are tough - and not take the easy way. Plus, don't your vows mean anything to you or were they just words? You owe it to your children to give them a good childhood and if that means you have to sacrifice (possibly your happiness until they are 18 and moved out)then that is what a decent mother does. It is no longer about you - it's about them. Who is to say that you would be happy as a divorced mother?

Just so you know, I am a mother of 4 children all under the age of 6 and have been married for 7 years. My marriage is not perfect, but I am married to a really nice man that will do just about anything for me. I made up my mind a few years ago that when things get really challenging, that I will focus on his positive attributes and that keeps things in perspective. I know that I will probably never find anyone as nice as him. Your marriage will never be what you want it to be as long as you are so distracted from exterior issues like other men. Put that energy into your family instead. If not for yourself, then your kids.

Anonymous said...

Get yee some information on the difference between lust and love. Lust is like a drug, it acts on your brain like a drug. It is ALWAYS short lived. Making life changing decisions based on lust is dangerous.

Here is some quick info...but go see a counselor to get some specific help with everything that you are feeling.

The long Haul:
What about when that euphoric feeling is gone? According to Ted Huston at the University of Texas, the speed at which courtship progresses often determines the ultimate success of the relationship. What they found was that the longer the courtship, the stronger the long-term relationship.

The feelings of passionate love, however, do lose their strength over time. Studies have shown that passionate love fades quickly and is nearly gone after two or three years. The chemicals responsible for "that lovin' feeling" (adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, etc.) dwindle. Suddenly your lover has faults. Why has he or she changed, you may wonder. Actually, your partner probably hasn't changed at all; it's just that you're now able to see him or her rationally, rather than through the blinding hormones of infatuation and passionate love. At this stage, the relationship is either strong enough to endure, or the relationship ends.

Consult an expert on this topic. It just might keep you from making a mistake.

Anonymous said...

http://people.howstuffworks.com/love.htm/printable

Here is the ref for the quote above.

I really urge you to educate yourself about the brain hormones in all of this. If you are not aware these brain chemistries can allow you to make HUGE F mistakes. Be smart. Don't give in to them. Bring your logical brain to the situation.

Breaking up families is toxic to all involved. Most people who break up and remarry say that they would NEVER have done it if they knew how gut wrenchingly awful it was going to be for ALL involved. Most people who are in a second marriage say the second marriage only worked because it came second i.e. that the lust wore off in the second marriage too but that you just can't keep breaking up with people when the lust is gone.

I guess it comes to this: what kind of person do you want to be?

Anonymous said...

Why do you blame him for leaving college? You were an adult with free will. You made the choice to leave and go back to him, to accept his proposal. I'm sure there was pressure there to come back, but you made the choice to go back to him. You both deserve to be part of the choice to stay or go in this marriage. I would recommend counseling and seriously thinking about what dating the bad boy will get you. Sounds like you know that isn't a good situation and that it won't end the eway you want it to. Everyone has crushes and imagines at some point what it might be like with someone other than their spouse. I think talking to your spouse is key. He needs to know where you are. He can't make changes or try to work with you to fix things if he doesn't know you think there is something wrong. It won't be a fun conversation, but probably one you need to have. Besides, playing the field isn't at all as exciting as that phrase makes it sound.

Anonymous said...

As hard as it might be? Talk to your husband. Tell him what's going on inside your head. Seriously. Because, you never know, he may be having the same thoughts as you in regards to your marriage.

It's kind of arrogant to say things like "he worships the ground I walk on". Maybe. But maybe it's just an act. A way of getting through the day. You say your sex life is boring. Have you told him that you are unsatisfied? Have you told him you think you would like x,y,z better?

I'm sorry, but I'm seeing a lot of rationalizing going on here to cheat on your husband.

Sounds to me like you are not giving your husband a chance to be the husband you want. Hardly seems fair...

dkaz said...

Don't cheat; it will make you a cheater and you know that is wrong. You will regret it - no doubt at all. You will never be able to undo the harm it will inevitably cause.
If you don't feel attracted to your husband, but you still like him, it is worth it to do the hard work to make your marriage successful again. You had two kids with this man; clearly there was something there at that point not so long ago that made you think that you had a future with him.
You seem to be going through a rough patch with your husband, and this new guy is offering something exciting, and infatuation is intoxicating, but remember - it WILL wear off and then you will be left with the folly of your bad decision. About 10 years ago, I fell for a guy I knew through Church - I had the biggest crush on him and I acted foolish - flirting with him and making excuses to visit him. He reciprocated and it was so flattering because I had been married for 15 years at that point and had 2 kids. I never acted on my inclinations (too scared at the time), and now I am so grateful because he is not someone I would ruin a marriage over. I did leave my husband a few years ago, but I did it with a clean conscience.
I recommend that you go to a counselor (marriage or personal), find out what YOU really want for your life, because this new guy is NOT the answer - you have to find it in yourself.

Anonymous said...

I'm hearing you. I married 2 months before I turned 20, also to my "first." I was his first,too.
I remember wondering what the bleep was the big deal about sex. I think I was 26 before I had my first O. It was ALOT of work to hit that one.
Outside help is a good idea. Life so often gets in the way of love and loving. You owe it to yourself to make double-sure getting out of the relationship is what you want and need before getting out.
Been there!
Ame in TN

Anonymous said...

Check out The Five Love Languages. It just might help.

Anonymous said...

I married young, no kids, things went sour a few years ago, I cheated first, he had suspicions but never confronted me, a year later he cheated, fell in love, I caught him, and we divorced. So I know of which I speak.

You need to go to counseling alone. Once you get established with a counselor, you should consider including your husband.

You feel trapped, but no one tricked you or trapped you. You chose this life, and you need to understand why you chose it before you can decide to throw it away.

I don't regret my affair. Cheating is like crack- the rush is addictive. I learned a lot about myself and the kind of man I want and need from my affair. But here's the thing- I'm divorced. If you cheat and stay the guilt will kill you. It will absolutely eat your soul. Either that, or you're not invested enough in your marriage. Don't cheat. At 2 o'clock in the morning, I have to ask myself if my ex would have come to the place to fall in love with someone else if he hadn't suspected me of fooling around on him. You don't want that. I'm happy I'm out, but I still would have rather had a clean conscious.

Our sex life sucked too. It was awful. The fact that you can't talk to anyone in your life about sex problems makes me think that he's not the only one lacking in that department. How can you enjoy sex if you can't bring yourself to talk about it?

Please. Go to therapy. Bare your soul to the therapist, and let them help you sort this out. I think it's the only way you can truly find what you need without being destructive. If you decide to cheat, or to leave, at least you'll have done it with your eyes wide open.

PS: The likelihood that you will end up with the guy you cheat with is slim to none. You'll be his dirty little secret that he won't own in public, and if he's single, he'll go find a girl that he knows won't fool around *on him* to make a commitment to. Guys aren't stupid. I understood this going in to my affair, but it still stings a little that my partner won't even speak to me now because I'm single and "don't have enough to lose" (he's married). Don't wreck a decent life for a guy who probably isn't.

Anonymous said...

I like the things people are suggesting here. Being the spouse who wasn't on the 'greener side' in infidelity just ruined me for a while. If your husband is as nice as he sounds, don't ever do that to him! Please. We didn't have kids when that happened and I can't even imagine that hurt and pain over and above a divorce if they find out...please be smart, get some help, pray about it, talk to some people and make the right choice.

Janipurr said...

I'm coming to this as a 44 YO woman who also was a "child of divorce". I think the notion that divorce is only a negative thing for the children involved is BS--I completely understood why my parents divorced, and I never loved either less *because of the divorce*. Divorce was a positive in my childhood--but then, my parents *really* didn't get along well. I have also been married, divorced (no children), and have "played the field".

Let me tell you a truth--I really like sex, but I find that the majority of men out there aren't all that good at it. They are either boring, or selfish, or think they are the bees knees, but aren't. Oh, some rocked my world in the bedroom--none of which, unfortunately, were long term keepers.

I am currently with a boring man--boring in the bedroom, sometimes sleep inducing outside of it. He has been getting better slowly, but they learn so slowly--men have such fragile egos, ya know? However, he is sweet, honest, stable, and treats me like a Princess, is the best man I have ever been with, and I have come to value those qualities above sparks in the bedroom.

It's hard when you are young, and didn't take the time to explore what was out there--I know. However, I don't think it would be fair to anyone involved if you decided to cheat. If you decide that you cannot be happy in this marriage, then you owe it to everyone involved to leave. But you need to *own* that decision--you are an adult, take responsibility for your own life. I don't think you *owe* your children an unhappy marriage, just because you had them. However, if you do divorce, you do owe them an explanation for it. Can you explain to your children that you divorced their Dad because you were unhappy sexually?

Anonymous said...

I agree with a lot of the previous posters about counseling - you really need to find someone to talk to who can help you to sort yourself out. You sound like you have a lot of issues with sex buried inside. A good therapist can help you to uncover the source of those issues and work to move past them. Don't look for a quick fix in a handsome bad boy. Looks are fleeting, but the bad boy personality only intensifies with age!

One other thing: you say you think your husband is boring, Just remember that the personality traits that you have grown to see as boring might be exactly what some other woman would find exciting and challenging. His stability, his devotion to his children and wife, his ability to compromise in a disagreement - those are all sexy traits to a woman who has been with a shallow, self-centered man who have zero interest in being home with his family. You may not need a new guy nearly as much as you need to adjust your attitude about the great guy you already have.

Make the effort first. Seek counseling to try to turn your "best friend most of the time" into your lover as well, and really put an honest effort into it. Then, if you still want to leave, you can do so knowing in your heart that you tried everything else first.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Does your husband know you find your sex life boring? It is one thing to try to spice up your sex life, but unless you are able to have a candid discussion about why you need to, you won't get anywhere. If you've not done this, this should be your first step.

Lay no blame, approach the topic with love - you obviously care tremendously about your husband - and maybe you guys can figure it out together. Sex is essential in intimate relationships but it's not always easy and even the most fiery starts can fizzle without honesty when one partner finds their no longer satisfied. Alternately, talking about it may be all you need to open up the door to amazing sex. The best sex comes when you can be emotionally mature, honest and intimate with your partner. For serious.

As far as your "bad boy" type, you'd probably do well to steer clear. I'd gather the ONLY reason you're giving him the time of day is that you are bored with your sex life. That is a very powerful thing, but seriously, what else does he possibly have to offer you, BESIDES the possibility of hot sex? I tell you, that will fade as well if you have nothing else grounding the relationship. There is so much romance wrapped up in the possibility of "someone else", but in reality, it's never found there.

I feel for you, that is for sure, I know what it is to feel so desperately unsatisfied, but I also know with some courage and openness you can change things.

Anonymous said...

One of the things you said that really raised a flag with me was "We have arguments and I always end up having to compromise with him." Uh, yeah. That's how you resolve arguments.
Also, you have two kids, both young. Sex is not that great when you have two kids, most of the time. Everybody is tired. Also, sometimes long-term relationships are boring. They go through phases like that.
I think you're expecting something from a relationship that you just don't get. Husbands, after you've been with them awhile, don't inspire depths of passion every time you have sex. They don't always give you what you want. They don't meet your every need.
I think maybe you need to work on yourself -- not just your "boring" marriage. People who are bored are usually boring themselves. You need to get some spice in your life. Not through the excitement of infidelity, but through developing and pursuing interests of your own, with people you like, as friends.

Anonymous said...

I'm the OP. It has been little over two months since I last typed this and I did some serious thinking, I went on a vacation to visit my best friend with my kids just to get away from it all. I re-read what I said and I now realize that what I really had to say could be a novel. I didn't cover everything what I wanted to say about my desire to divorce my husband. My feelings toward him has been platonic since we got married. I stupidly thought it'd get better but we should not have gotten married in the first place. I've seriously considered divorce quite many times.

To the last anonymous poster comment: I have 'arguments' with him and have to 'compromise' with him. What I meant is that I always give in. He wins every single time no matter how I end up being right and I still manage not to say 'I told you so'. You say I don't have interests of my own, friends, etc. Believe me, I have many close friends, and I have few interests of my own and I work from home for a great company. My husband is the one who doesn't have close friends, prefer to stay home all the time and refuses to go back into riding bike or any other hobbies he used to do.

Now here's an update: I asked for an divorce and have not regretted the decision. I'm actually happier. I can't imagine growing old with my husband and it actually depressed me to no end. I tried my best to work on this relationship with him, I tried telling him how I felt, I've threatened divorce several times and he promised he'd change and he doesn't. My husband and I are having an amicable divorce, our priority is the children and will do anything for the children to make this smooth as possible. He has gone to counseling for himself. He has reconnected with many friends from college and so forth.

We had a closure chat recently and he told me about his college days. I met him after he went on LOA from college and discussing with him, he met me, fresh from a rough break-up with his first college girlfriend and he latched on me. Wouldn't let me go. He never told me about his college days, who he was in the past until recently. It has led me to think that he was depressed all these years and honestly, I thought that was who he is but if I had known, I'd have him in counseling a lot earlier. He didn't make friends during our marriage, he just went to school and work - that's it. The past year- he finally went back to biking and after I asked for the divorce, he has reconnected with many friends.

I still don't regret the decision for the divorce. In fact, I became really good friends with this guy I liked and this guy is a huge softy at heart and he treats me incredibly well. He is very committed to his career and I can see a future with him. I am a lot closer to him than I could ever be with my husband. I feel a lot more with him than my husband. That makes such a huge difference.

From reading all your comments, I now realize that what I originally wrote wasn't that clear and I was feeling very confused at the time. You guys don't know who I am and I didn't list ALL the reasons why I wanted the divorce from my husband. We aren't compatible, plain and simple as that. We're good friends but that's it. My husband has done a lot of things that put me close to a nervous break-down and isn't really a nice person. He likes control over everything and is manipulative. One of the biggest thing he did that led me to really decide that I wanted a divorce is that I mentioned that I'd like to go to the doctor because I think I have a bladder infection. He said no, don't go. I ended up calling and they sent me in for a urine test and the result was a bladder infection that could've turned into a kidney infection if left untreated. My own husband refusing me, his own wife, to go and get healthy? I couldn't do this anymore. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with a friend that doesn't even respect me 100%. If there is a chance for love and for me to be happy, I'm going to grab it.

Our divorce will be final next month or so.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I think your comment is WONDERFUL!!!! I also recently left an 18-yr marriage that was fundamentally wrong for me (we have one daughter). However, my road to divorce took over 1 year and was at times incredibly difficult..........but WORTH IT. I just have to vent a bit about how all these women who comment are forevermore blathering on and on about "save your marriage, save your marriage, settle for less, work on yourself, etc., etc., etc......" God,for me,as a stronger, happier woman who made the agonizing choice to leave a marriage, these comments tend to make me argue and shout at the computer screen!! THAT IS NOT ALWAYS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, DON'T YOU ALL GET IT?

So, therefore, I am pleased to read your update today! Don't misunderstand me at all, other ladies, I understand (all too well) how serious and painful ending a marriage really is, but geez!! You all always sound like a broken record and it drives me crazy..........ok, I'm done.