I have a problem and I'm feeling trapped. To begin with, I'm 27 going on 28 this October and I got married at 19. I lived with my then husband from middle of senior year at high school. Now I'm not saying I'm a deadbeat and a high school drop-out. I continued to work hard and graduated from high school on time with high honors. I worked hard in college and graduated with both Associates and Bachelors in business administration while working full-time. I'm mature and very rational. I now have two kids, the first born 4 years after I married and graduated from college. I'm trying to think of the best way to describe my marriage, I consider my husband my best friend most of the time, we've been through a lot and we've worked incredibly hard to be where we are right now - a great job, two great kids, a nice home, etc. But! I secretly call this a 'marriage of convenience'. When we first met (he's 4 years older than me) I fell in love but he was my only and first and I thought it would 'get better' and thought it was me... It is awkward talking about our sex life because I have never told anyone that our sex life has sucked from the beginning. I feel that I got married too young and should've dated more & played the field. I look at other men that I could've dated and think 'what could have been' I've cheated on him briefly (only to 1st base and dating) when I went to college in another state for one semester but I went back to him and he proposed right away and I left college for him. I enrolled in college locally and went to college with him. We were joined at the hip. I still blame him (and he knows it) for making me leave that college. We have arguments and I always end up having to compromise with him. I've seriously considered divorce but I am a product of divorce and know how hard it is for single mothers and my husband would never let me take the kids or at least give me an hard time. I know he loves me, he worships the ground I walk on, he's good to me but I am simply not happy. I have a boring marriage and a boring sex life to the point I can't stand for him to touch me. I give in once in a while and tell myself that just to relax, maybe it'll be better, try new things, get the 'passion' back in the marriage, etc. There was a 'little' passion in the beginning of our relationship but it fizzled but we got along incredibly well and he was good to me. He is 'safe'.
I did not intend to make my history so long. Ok, my problem is that... I've met a guy I really like and I know he likes me. I've met guys before that I get along so well and begin to like and I play with the idea of cheating on my husband to see if the grass is greener on the other end but never did. This guy - I like, I've known him for few weeks. I get a strong feeling that he likes me but our lifestyles are so different. He is the 'bad boy persona' and I am trying to rationalize with myself that if in the chance we do get together, I can't hold him back and it would be wrong to enter a cheating relationship and we'd have to hide. We know the same people, he knows my husband and in fact, my husband is the one who hired him. He's a college student (older), scruffy guy, etc but wow - he looks like John Travolta. He's that handsome. His group is not the type of people I'd hang out with and I keep telling myself that eventually, I'd be trying to get him to change his wardrobe, change him, etc. I am seriously considering divorce in a few years when the kids go into school full-time so I can get a job and support the kids on my own. This guy and I get along incredibly well. He shows a lot of interest in me and I can't help but really like him and want to get to know him better but where do I draw the line? Do I get out of a good (and boring) marriage just so I can play and be free? What if my husband is really the guy but I've ruined it. I don't want to get a divorce by mistake and I'm feeling really confused and I absolutely can't talk to anyone about this, not even my friends because honestly, I'm incredibly embarrassed to have trapped myself into this situation with my husband and our personal life is embarrassing. I feel that nobody will understand where I am coming from and I'm afraid that my friends would gossip. I've mentioned a few of my feelings once in a while and I've mentioned divorce once in a while but I truly can't talk about this with my husband. Believe me, I've tried spicing things up in bed, etc but I feel absolutely dead inside - no passion, no feelings, etc.
Ok - I'm done - I could continue on forever. I'm a rational person but inside, I'm really not.