Thursday, October 29, 2009

Dear Dad

Posted by Anonymous

Dear Dad,

You have changed and not for the better. I don't even recognize the person you have become. The loving father I once knew is no more. You are bitter and angry and I can't stand the way you are. I used to look up to you. You taught me so many life lessons that I have kept with me all these years. You told me once, after getting custody of me from my mother, that every person you meet is a role model. You can either choose to be like them or choose to be the opposite of them. You told me that so that I wouldn't hate my mother for everything she had done to me. You knew that she had problems and you wanted me to try to keep a relationship with her even though I was hurt. Even though you were angry with her you were still supportive of the relationship I was trying to have with her. You never fought with her when you had to be around her and you never said anything cross that could cause a problem.

So why the change? Why can't you do the same with your ex-wife Brandy? She was never as bad as my mother was, yet you can't put aside your differences with her to be there for your daughter Katie. Nobody is asking you to be friends with Brandy we just want you to tolerate her long enough to be there to support Katie during her pregnancy. The pregnancy that Katie was always told would never happen. The miracle baby that was never supposed to be. You are being so selfish and acting like a child. Why are you making everything about you? Shouldn't you be more focused on Katie? You have hurt her so much by telling her that you wont come to her baby shower if Brandy is there. We all know that Brandy is unpredictable and there is a big chance she won't make it. Yet you refuse to come even though there is only a slim chance of her showing up. You are asking your daughter to choose between her parents and that is wrong. She was looking forward to getting to share this with you and her little sister Lisa. And now you are saying you wont come which means that Lisa can't come either. So you are not only going to be childish and not come but you are also going to keep her sister away too? Do you really think that your problems with Brandy are worth that?

I have tried not to get too upset over all of this. I keep thinking you are going to change your mind and see how ridiculous you are being. Then you called Katie and told her that the only way you would come to the hospital when she has the baby is if she makes sure that Brandy isn't around when you are there. REALLY? You expect a woman in labor with her first child to keep tabs on her mother so that you will grace us with your presence at the birth of the only child Katie will probably ever have??? Is your hatred more important than being there? You put aside your hatred of my mother 4 years ago to be there when my son was born. Why can't you do that for Katie?

I guess I should have expected this from you. Its not like you have really been there for me and my son since he was born. You haven't seen him in two years and there is always some excuse. I have put myself out there plenty of times and tried to make plans with you but something is always more important. Did you forget that you had a daughter and a grandson? Or do you just not care enough to really try anymore? It hurts but I really don't care anymore. We don't need you. He has very supportive grandparents on his father's side. They may live closer but they still put more effort into seeing than you ever have.

And you know what, Katie doesn't need you either. She's hurt and I know she wants you to be there but in the end she doesn't need you. She doesn't need the added stress that you cause her and she doesn't need to spend this joyous time of her life worrying about you and your pettiness. She needs someone who can put aside whatever issues they may have to be there to support her no matter what. When Brandy stopped being a good mother for Katie I stepped in and now that you are proving to be inadequate I will yet again be there for her. At 23 years old, I shouldn't have to play the role of mother and father to my 21 year old sister but I will. I will be whatever she needs me to be because you once taught me to be the better role model. Maybe you should take your own advice before you miss out on one of the greatest moments in Katie's life.

Your very disappointed daughter.


Jaden Paige said...

This is SO well written and you have every right to feel the way you do... If I were you, if you haven't seen him in two years anyway and you don't need him, as you say... I'd send the letter. What have you got to lose? Not much... But maybe it will give your Dad the reality check he needs. I feel for your sister, it's got to be hard being put in the middle of this when she is about to have a child, and should be celebrating that. Good for you for being supportive to her... I'm sure she appreciates it more than you know.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry.

I'm not saying the following to excuse your father, but perhaps to put his behavior in a different context. Sometimes a drastic change in behavior, like what you are describing, are signs of the onset of neurological problems, like Alzheimer disease or other dementia. It doesn't sound like you have much influence on his behavior, so it might not help to suggest he see a doctor.

Congratulations on the baby soon to be born. He or she will have a wonderful aunt.

Rachel said...

Thank you so much.

We have talked to our father about going to the doctor. He has a disease that can cause neurological problems but he refuses to go to the doctor. He doesn't even go to his yearly appointments to check on the progression of his disease. His behavior has slowly gotten worse over the last few years and we all believe it is a combination of him not working anymore and his disease progressing.

On October 28, 2009, my lovely sister gave birth to her beautiful baby boy. She had to have an emergency c-section and her son was having respiratory problem so he had to be put into the NICU. My father didn't come to the hospital and only called 3 times the entire week I was there with her. He wasn't there to hold her when the doctor said she couldn't see or hold her baby for the first 24 hours. Or when she cried because she wasn't able to change his first diaper or give him his first bottle. I was right when I said that Katie didn't need him. At the end of my week with her, she told me that she was glad that I was the one to be there for her because I was the only person in our family that she trusted.