Friday, October 30, 2009

Expecting, Definitely

Posted by Anonymous (Anonymous of this post, which was submitted in August. What follows is her update on the decision she made, and where she is now.)

I'm not exactly single. I have a tiny Baby I'm carrying around wherever I go. I'm now two people. I have two hearts. Two brains. Two bouts of the hiccups at once. I'm never alone anymore.

I'm also not exactly single in that other sense, either. Baby's father (the one who got me into this blessed mess) and I are holding hands at the doctor's office and having dinner with his parents and mine. But I'm still living in my house (the one I bought nine months ago. In fact, I made the offer the day of our first date) while he lives 56 kilometers away. That's down a secondary highway, even further from the Capital than me.

I've always been independent to a fault, and I still find it hard to behave as if this isn't entirely my responsibility. I told him The News about six hours after I wrote that first post, and he smiled! Anyway, I'm not worried about him. While we're not living together or sharing bills, I'm sure this part of this new family will work itself out.

Baby, on the other hand, is a different story. Some anonymous writer commented on my last post, "Chances are better that you'll regret the baby you didn't have [more] than the one you did." This is precisely the thought I'm clinging to - rather, it's the truth I'm holding out for.

I've always wanted children. Babies! I figured that once I started, I would never want to stop having them. I love pregnant bellies and breastfeeding and carrying little squirmy toddlers and all of that. My biggest fear was, until now, that I might not be able to have children of my own. As prepared as I thought I was, nothing prepared me for actually being pregnant. Who knew stretch marks came on with such a vengeance? Who knew morning sickness felt like being carsick, ALL DAY. Who knew women often suffer from depression during pregnancy? Who knew the "glow" is nothing more than the facial manifestation of terror?

But I know if I just get though these next 5 and a half months, the reward will be worth it all. I'm trying my darnedest not to panic about money. Babies don't' cost much - it's the unnecessary paraphernalia that really adds up. Sure, I could afford it now, but maternity benefits are somewhat... lacking. But I'm trying not to panic - panic leads to tears and hyperventilating and sleepless nights. (As if the heavy breasts and multiple trips to the toilet aren't wrecking enough havoc.)

I haven't even thought about what people think. It's a small town, as I said. Not everyone knows everyone else, but a lot of people know me thanks to the nature of my job. It seems that babies transcend all that unwed-mother garbage. Everybody is just delighted at the prospect of a baby.

Obviously I decided to keep the baby. I didn't really have a choice - I wouldn't have made it through the two weeks I needed to get an abortion without falling in love with the tiny apple seed and planning the rest of our lives.

It's an adjustment, this getting used to life as a parent. Everything I wanted to do Some Day now comes with a pretty big string attached. Go back to school? Sure, but I'd have to move and pay the bills with a baby in tow. Hike the Long Range Mountains? Yes, but I'll have to wait til the baby is weaned and arrange for my parents to babysit for a week. Cycle across the country? As soon as Baby is old enough to ride with me. A second trip to China? As long as I go soon, before Baby turns 2 and I can't afford the airfare anymore. Speed skate at the 2014 Winter Olympics? That last one may be a tad ambitious. But it's a whole new world. I'm looking forward to it.


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're happy with your decision. You will be surprised what you will be able to do with a baby/toddler/kid, when you have no other choice. I hope the relationship with the dad will work out - at the very least so you can parent well together. Good luck.

Amanda said...

I'm so happy to read this update and that you've decided to keep the baby. I think people just know when the time is right and for you it was the right time for all of this. You're right in saying that its all the useless stuff that costs money and I'm sure you'll figure it out! Will you please send another update when the baby arrives and if you find out the sex? I would love to hear more!

Jaden Paige said...

I agree with Amanda, I would love to hear more about you and your little bean once you know more! I'm so glad you decided to keep the baby... I could tell by your first post that you really wanted to. *hugs* and best wishes to BOTH of you! :D

Kayt said...

I'm glad you made this choice. I was engaged and just bought a house when I found out I was pregnant. I was hysterical. My husband barely spoke to me when I told him I was keeping the baby. And I was sick all nine month of pregnancy; I even puked during labor. I was terrified I wouldn't like my child. And you know what? The moment they laid him on my chest, I was in love. My son is difficult, and headstrong, and into things, but he is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me. Point is, you will enjoy being a mother. You will love your child. It will change you, a little bit for the worse, but mostly for the better.

Thank you for the update, and good luck!

Anonymous said...

congrats!! hope it all goes smoothly and the "morning" sickness abates soon. I would echo above sentiments and hope you keep us updated! - j

ewe are here said...

Congratulations. I wish you and your wee one much happyness and joy in life.

Perhaps you could start a blog ... ? ;-)

Manic Temptress said...

I am so happy to read the update about your decision. I was single when I found out I was pregnant with my now ten year old daughter. May I just tell that the money works itself out, and you will find that nothing is more amazing than watching that little person grow, especially when that tiny voice says, "I love you mommy." Good luck to you, I know you'll be an amazing mother!

Anonymous said...

Pregnancy sucks, but it's temporary. But, OH...that moment when you first take that beautiful, wonderful, amazing little person in your's what I imagine heroin must be like. And you love that baby so much more than you ever imagined it would be possible to love someone.

My point is, it's absolutely worth the misery of pregnancy. I'm so happy that you followed your heart. I hope your baby brings you as much happiness as both of mine have brought to me. Please continue to send updates, or links to your blog if you start one. I'd love to follow along with your adventure!

Good luck, and congratulations!

cath said...

Until my son was placed in my arms, i never knew I could be so fearless, so ferocious and so strong. I quit my job five weeks after he was born (with only five weeks of maternity left) because the only thing that scared me more than not having a steady paycheck was not having time with him. You can always hustle for a job or for money -- it's that time with the baby you can't make up again. Everything works'll see -- because you'll MAKE it work out. Welcome to true love. Good luck and congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Um,hopefully the father will help support the baby. He plans to, right?

Anonymous said...

16 years ago at the age of 19, I fell in love with an apple seed or as I actually called him a little lima bean. It was the best decision I ever made. It has been a struggle but I have never resented him or regretted my decision.