Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Her

Posted by Anonymous.


I have something on my mind that I need to get out. I need to share it for some odd reason. I started a blog of my own after my daughter was born as away to journal our experiences (it ended up being very therapeutic for me) but family members read the blog (okay, two family members) read the blog and I just could not mention this kind of thing there because it would get back to her.

Her. My mother. I really had thought that I put all of the feelings aside and forgave her a long time ago but with the birth of my daughter it drug them all back up and now it is super hard to forgive and forget. My guess is that having my daughter made me realize what it is to be a mother to a daughter and all the love and emotions I have makes it harder for me to forgive my mother for all the things she has done. If I love my daughter this much then shouldn’t all mothers? And if all mothers do then why did my mom do all the things that she has done?

So all the background stuff because like I said I need to tell someone and I need to not be judged. My mother had me when she was in her early 20’s and divorced my biological dad when I was two. I never had a relationship with him which is probably its own story. My mother has since been married four other times and in numerous…….NUMERIOUS relationships. Two of the men my mother has been involved with sexual molested me when I was under the age of five, I have seen men beat my mother up, I have seen my mom wasted out of her mind on various drugs and alcohol. I have seen and heard my mother in sexual relations. She once left me with “friends of the family” for over a year. I was scared to death to go to a baby sitter, afraid she would not ever pick us up.

When I was in the fourth grade my mother married her fourth husband. He is what I consider a normal guy and provided us a normal life, but my mother is anything but normal and could not stay past seven years. When she left, she left all of us. One day I came home and she was not there. No words, no explanation she was just gone. I think this might have been harder on my father because he was so caught off guard, he didn’t really have a clear idea of what our past had been. My sister and I, we were upset but more upset for our father who was devastated. I am calling him my father because he adopted us when they got married. Eventually I tracked her down but she did not want to talk about it, she acted as if everything was normal. I couldn’t take it, I stayed with my father and my younger sister went with my mother.

My sister. My baby sister is a mental case. Really. No other way to put it. She is better now but it took a lot of psychiatric help and drugs. After my mother left my father she moved away. My mother was not in my life for almost five years. She didn’t call, she didn’t write. I have no idea what was going on, I just kind of went on and thought it was probably for the better. But when she was in a bad spot, needed money and know one else would help her she contacted me. She called me out of the blue and I broke down crying. I had already forgiven her (thank you, Oprah) and was grateful to be in touch with her. Her response, “why are you crying, what’s wrong?”

That was about twelve years ago. Like I said I have forgiven her and had accepted her for what she is. She has stayed in the same city/town since then so I would see her occasionally when I would go back to see family members. She has even come to visit me three times in the state that I live in. It was nice. I mean we couldn’t talk about the past and there are never any questions asked because she only denies or withdrawals. It just didn’t seem worth it, so I too moved on.

When I was pregnant I was hoping my mom would be here. I think I was super duper hormonal and I really thought she was going to be here. She agreed and said she would get the time off. Yep, you guessed it none of it happened. She told me when she went to ask for the time off everybody had already asked for it and she couldn’t come when I was giving birth but would be up soon after. I had a rough time delivering and ended up back in the hospital one day after being released. I did not bother to call my mom but my grandmother had called checking up on us, found out and insisted that my mother get in a car and come help us. By the time I had gotten out of the hospital the second time she showed up, stayed two whole days and left. The two days she was here she talked non-stop to my sister and nephew on the phone.

Three months later, I am still on maternity leave and my hubby had training he was to do for three weeks in another state. At the same time my mother was on a cross country road trip. Two months after that, still on maternity leave my mom was on another vacation. I finally went to see the family for Thanksgiving and my mother could not be bothered to take time off of work. We spent time with her over dinner one day.

My mother has taken several trips and even as I write this, is taking a cross-country road trip. I found out through my aunt because I can not tell you the last time I have spoken to my mother on the phone.

I am mad. I am pissed. I am ashamed. I am even more upset that I am upset about this in the first place because the reality of it is, she has not changed. She has always been like this and I for some reason thought she would be different to her grand-daughter. She is not interested. I want her to be. I want to have a mom and I want my daughter to have my mom as a grand-daughter.

Understand that if I mention these feelings to her she probably won’t talk to me again. Although it seems like I won’t be loosing much I will be loosing the only mother I know. The only bit of mother I have, I will loose. I am just not sure if it is worth it. I guess what I need is some advice is to get over this, in a healthy way. I CANNOT let my daughter be affected by this.

18 comments:

Candy said...

I know you want to have a mom, and you want your daughter to have a grandma. But I don't think your mother is the mother/grandmother you're dreaming of.

It sounds a lot like bipolar disorder to me. Which might explain a lot, including the fact that your sister has had some issues as well.

I'm sorry you're hurting; postpartum is tough enough. But you can only accept others, you can't change them. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

You have a right to your anger and this is a great place to vent. You already know that she is not the Mom or Grandmother you need. Is your Mother-In-Law someone who will be a good Grandmom?

In my situation, my MIL and FIL are worthless --as parents and grandparents. So, my kids spend more time with my parents than his. We just see them from time to time - when they feel like being grandparents.

As long as a child is loved, one bad grandparent won't be an issue. (I know --my Dad's parents never loved me, and I figured that out on my own)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry!! Your mom sounds a lot like my daughter's father - I HATE hearing stories of absentee parents who don't seem to give a rip about their children - do they even KNOW the effect that it is having on them?

I hope that you can come to terms with how your mother is - and I hope that you will be better because of it.

MYSUESTORIES said...

The word "mom' is not somthing that you acquire simply because you gave birth. It's a treasured term of endearment that is earned over the years.

The woman you described? Is your birth mother. Simply by happenstance. You don't need her and her misery (and quites frankly? She'll never be there when you really need her anyway)!
The man you call "father"? He's a keeper!!!!You'd do better to turn to him in times of trouble, and cut your losses on her.

You? Sound like you're going to be a fabulous mother.

Anonymous said...

My mom is a lot like your mom. She was sober for a significant stretch during my later childhood and I keep looking for that woman around every corner, in the few phone calls, short emails, anywhere. I haven't seen that (sober) woman in years and I doubt I ever will again. My son is two. My mom lives 30 minutes away and hasn't seen him in a year. I've just decided she has demons bigger than I can imagine and no skills to deal with them. Not my fault and nothing I can do to help - I have tried too many times to count. It breaks my heart daily. But I love my son more than I love her - I owe him a good life and I won't let her drag me down. Your daughter needs you more than you need your mother. You are an adult. It sucks but you have to stay sane and keep healthy boundaries to model healthy behavior for your daughter. I had the best grandmother in the entire world and it breaks my heart that my mom won't be that person for my son. But maybe I can be a great mom in a way she never was for me. You can be that for your daughter, too.

Sharon said...

I am so sorry. The lack of mothering you had will make you an even BETTER mother.

God bless you.

jamie said...

She isn't worth it.

My mother was similar and I have decided that my children do not need to be exposed to that type of lifestyle so I have removed her and my dad from my life.

It's tough getting over but she hasn't earned your respect or time.

Manic Temptress said...

What she has done is more than wrong, and I am so sorry for what happened to you...I can relate on so many levels. Now that I have a daughter of my own I was able to forgive my mother, who is not and has never been a part of our lives. I am an amazing mom as I know you will be, too. I think it is great that we have the chance to be the kind of moms we wished we had.

Anonymous said...

You are right to find a safe place to vent these feelings. They are real and need to be expressed or they will eat you alive. Now what? As you said, you shouldn't be surprised, this is how she's always been. Right now it sounds like things are really tough for you with the new baby and the husband that has to be out of town. You know your mom isn't going to be helping so turn to others for support that you know you can count on.

Finally...
Watch yourself carefully. Your mom obviously suffers from some sort of mental illness. Even though you sound like you've been lucky enough not to have developed those troubles, having a family history will put you at higher risk for postpartum depression. I'm not saying you ARE depressed, just be sure you have trusted people around you that will help you see those troubles if they arise.

Anonymous said...

I can relate to your story in so many ways. My mother has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember and she is completely narsissistic. She always puts her feeling first and as her daughter I am constantly being disappointed by her. It's hard not to expect or desire to have a mother that is loving and caring because that's what mothers are supposed to be. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I had children myself. I love my kids so much and can't imagine how I could ever put my feelings above theirs. Mothers Day is hard for me because I feel like I'm supposed to honor my mother but honestly I don't really feel like I have a mother or that my kids have a grandmother. For your own mental health, I suggest that you try your best to not expect her to change and try to distance yourself from her somewhat. That's what I've had to do to maintain my own sanity. And I really don't want her to be a negative influence on my children.

Mbdiamond said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mbdiamond said...

I can totally understand the desire to want to hold onto whatever scraps you have of a parental relationship that was never what it should have been. Though my relationship with my bio-Dad was never as poisonous as what you've lived through with your mom as a child, I felt much calmer and healthier once I "gave up" on him and focused on the GOOD family relationships we do have.

She hurt you. She was a BAD MOM and it HURTS. People who're wired wrong like that can't change... they'll just hurt your kids too by repeating all the same neglectful behaviour. They don't get it. Feels sorry for them and keep your babies away from them... or at least keep any expectations of a real relationship with them away from the kids.

Anonymous said...

It's time to shift your family priorities.
Move on from your "mother" and onto your daughter. You have a real family now and you deserve to be happy.
xoxoxo

Shelli said...

No matter how much Oprah we all watch, most people do not change. She is one of them. She will NEVER EVER EVER be the mother you want and need.

Cease all communication with her. NOW. For your own sanity and your daughter's. It's not with it. I speak from experience.

I have two children, my mother has seen the older one ONCE. We have pictures of her up in the apartment, and when Malka (the almost 4 year old) asks about her, we simply say that it's her "Safta (Hebrew for grandmother) Jackie." She HAS grandparents in my father and his wife. They are amazing.

My mother only gets nice and respectful when she needs something from me.

STEP AWAY FROM TEH CRAZY.

It's just not worth it. Have a good cry, and move on. Biology does not make a family. And biology does not equal love all the time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grieve and move on.

Anonymous said...

As hard as it is to let go of the dream of a relatively normal/peaceful relationship, it sounds like it's time. You can not change your mother and you owe her nothing except a polite respect, you owe yourself the opportunity to focus on your family and surround yourself with positive loving people. I know a little about this, I had to cut my brother out of my life because I just couldn't handle the negativity of the relationship anymore. I let go of the idea that I could make it better if I just tried a little harder. It was a toxic relationship and I had to deal with MY reactions to it. It was a huge relief once it was done.
Many of us come with imperfect families, that's why it's so wonderful that we can build our own "families" out of our friends and communities and reach out for the nurturing we all need to friends who are happy to give it. Mother yourself, forgive yourself, and celebrate yourself...concentrate on all the love and care you receive from others.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. You just plain got gypped in the mother department. I think it shows incredible wisdom that you a) knew when to not kill yourself trying to have contact with her, b) were able to not only accept her back into your life, but worked on forgiveness of her, c) were able to accept the limitations of your relationship with her. Only you can know if the limitations and disappointments outweigh the benefit that you get from continuing to have her in your life.

One more thing: your daughter is SO LUCKY to have you!

My mom was not a perfect mother: there are lots of things that she did pretty badly when I was growing up, and our current relationship continues to be sort of strained and limited in ways that make me sad, and a little bitter. But it helps me to think of it this way: My mom was treated terribly by her birth family, so much so that she ran away from home at sixteen and never looked back. I have an older half-sister (my mother's daughter by previous husband) who also had a fairly miserable childhood, and ran away at sixteen and never looked back. I had some crappy teenage years, but I didn't run away, and now I'm at least able to talk to my mom on the phone. My wish for my (future) daughter or son is that their experience is at least a little better than mine. In other words, each generation is getting a little better, and that's enough for me.

As for my mom, I was able to forgive her by putting it in that generational context. And also by being grateful to her for giving me my father, who is an incredible dad. After two marriages to abusive alcoholics, my mom pulled it together enough to marry my dad, giving me an advantage my half-sister never had. And I know that no matter what else she did, that means something.

Thanks for sharing this story.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this place is therapeutic and I really do appreciate the kind words and advice. Just writing it down, reading some sympathetic words and knowing that others have gone through this has made me have a different outlook.

dkaz said...

I am sorry that you Mom is a bad mom. Don't subject your daughter to a bad grandmom who will invariably disappoint her. If your daughter's father has living parents, let them be her grandparents. If not, ask an aunt or cousin or close friend to be your daughter's adopted grandmom. They will be honored and you all will benefit. If your selfish mother ever drops in, be polite, but don't think the fact that she is a bad person is a reflection on anything you are. You and your daughter deserve a loving parent/grandparent. I'm sorry that your real mom can't provide that, but don't dwell on that and allow that to make you feel bad. Find other good people to fil in the gaps - there are a lot of loving people in the world who need someone to love.