Monday, January 04, 2010

What She Said

Posted by Anonymous.

“That’s great, but you are going to have to pay for cheerleading camp on your own” was her response when I told her I made the cheerleading team.

“Why can’t you be like your sister?” was what she said when she came home from a parent teacher conference and was told that I was a “social butterfly”.

“You deserve all of the pain you are going through” was what she said when I cried after giving my daughter up for adoption when I was 16 years old.

“I guess you can't go to church tonight” was her response when I had my stomach pumped.

“Are you on drugs? What is wrong with you” was what she said to me when my ex-husband and I went through a devastating divorce.

“Your children will never experience true blessings unless you have them baptized” was how she replied when I told her my son was being bullied at school.

Why can’t I ever find the words? Why can’t I say… “Isn’t a mom supposed to love her child unconditionally? Aren’t Mom’s here to celebrate with us when we have a moment of joy, and cry with us in times of sorrow?”

How do I move on from this? How do I forgive and let go when it continues? How do I fill the awkward silences, after her words have hurt me and I can’t find the strength to respond?

I would give anything to feel her arms around me and her voice telling me that I am good enough, to hear her say that I am a good mom and a good wife.

And that she is sorry.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you have a mother like that.

Yes a mother should celebrate her children's joy and hold their hand and wipe away tears of sorrow.

I think a mother's job is to love, teach, and support her children, so they can grow into the best people they can be. Prepare them to go out into the world and lead happy, productive, and satisfying lives.

I wish I could tell you something to help you have a better relationship with your mother. I just don't think she has it in her to be the kind of mother you wish she was.

You need to validate yourself. Take credit for your own accomplishments. Love your children and when you can let yourself see that YOU ARE a good mother, know that is all yours. Know that being a good and caring mother is something you did all on your own, because that is something she never showed you.

Hugs, I hope you can find peace and happiness.

Anonymous said...

My mom has always said things to me of the same manner since I was about 13, commenting on my skin (I had horrible acne), weight (even when I was very thin), what I wore, my boyfriends, and everything under the sun.

Her condescending tone always made me feel sick in the bottom of my stomach. She always made accusations about me, much like your mom asking if you were on drugs.

She always told me it was because she didn't have a mother to teach her how to be a good mom and she'd rather come out and say things like that to me than hold them in.

I am afraid we will never be close like we were when I was a little girl and it breaks my heart.

I hope that you can find some peace and comfort though, despite your situation and find a way to be happy in your life.

Anonymous said...

Yes, your mother is a horrible mother.

I had one of those too.

Things worked out so that the end of high school and beginning of college we didn't speak to each other. Eventually circumstances came together such that we were forced to have a relationship. We built it from the ground up. It took lots of me saying "NO, I will not accept this kind of treatment" and being willing to cut her out of my life if she continued to be negative.

Now we have a really good relationship. Some of it was because I stood my ground and protected myself but a lot of it is because my mom was willing to change.

You do not need, nor do you deserve negative people in your life. You do not need a mother if your mother is a destructive force. You're an adult now and you get to choose who you lean on. It's time to make a break from Mom. Maybe she'll come around, or maybe she won't, but wither way you will be a better person for having drawn a line and not let anyone insult you like that!

Kellee said...

I honestly have to believe that they think they are being helpful. Trying to guide you in their own failing attempts. I know it is hard. I hope you have been able to surround yourself with other people who support you.

Anonymous said...

Just hold her close and tell her that you and only you will pick her nursing home and decide on her level of care when she can no longer decide things for herself. Tell her that you understand that her mother probably treated her the same way but you are happy you would be able to break that cycle with your children. Tell her no matter what that you love her unconditionally because that is what a daughter is supposed to do and because that is what a mother is supposed to also.
And then realize you are strong, beautiful and a good mom and no one but you and your children need to tell yourself that.
God Bless you!

Anonymous said...

Wow. It's like I could have written that myself.

I have no answers for you... but BOY do I wish I did...

Michael said...

Once I figured out (at 40) my mother was incapable of empathy for any person (not just me), it was much easier to move on and not care what she said, what she did and now she is dying and it's not bothering me as much as I thought it would.

Anonymous said...

You have to finally allow yourself to let go of her. She's not going to change. She's not going to be the mom you need her to be. It's not fair and it sucks really bad.

The thing is once you can let that go you can begin to heal from the inside out.

One step at a time.

Anonymous said...

I could have written this post. What I've come to realize (after 40plus years of never being good enough in my mother's eyes) is that it's not about me, and never really was. All of the mean comments, the digs, the unsupportive words, etc... really reflect my mother's own issues. She's the one who doesn't feel good enough, isn't measuring up to her expectations, so she transfers all of that to me when she gets the chance. I've finally learned to let it roll off my back. I'm an adult, married, and I have a child, a home, a good job, etc... I don't need my mother's approval any more. I've finally learned to live this life for me and not care what she thinks, because her opinion about MY life doesn't really matter. It's MY life, not hers. That's not to say it doesn't still smart once in a while, but I just keep reminding myself that her hurtful comments reflect more upon her and her issues than they do upon me. Try to remember that it's YOUR life, not your mother's. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

It seems to be one of those cruel things about life; those of us who would like to have the acceptance and approval of our mothers, are 'blessed' with those moms who withhold it.

May you find it from others in your life and realize your mother is emotionally ill. Please don't go to her 'well' expecting blessed water, you'll only find toxic waste.

hi said...

i too have an evil birth mother - nothing was ever good enough, i never did anything the "right" way, etc. i had to completely cut her out of my life because her continued disregard of me as a human (never mind as her daughter) was just more than i could deal with daily. i haven't spoken to her in 12 years, and i'm so much the better for it! respect yourself enough to demand that she treat you better, or leave you alone. you totally deserve it!

raisel said...

I think that most parents, most people, are doing the best they can and sometimes their best does not feel anywhere good enough. Sometimes using the "When you say ..., I feel like you are criticizing me/don't understand me/don't think I am worthwhile..." It is hard to do (and I know it sounds all therapist-y) but it works sometimes when the other person hears how their actions are being interpreted/felt. Even though it seems to you like it should be blatantly obvious, she may not have a clue about how she comes across. I find that some people are very aware of how YOU make THEM feel but utterly clueless about how THEY make YOU feel.

Anonymous said...

When I was in college, I realized the pain of my mother's actions toward me was eating me alive, making me a very angry woman myself. I asked her, "Why can't you just say that you're sorry for all the things you did, all the things you said to me that hurt me so badly?"

Her reply: "Why? It won't change them, so it doesn't matter if I apologize or not."

From that day on, I knew that I couldn't let my happiness with myself and my life be bound up in what she thought of me or said to me -- at any point in my life. If she wanted to be in my life, it was on my terms.

Please don't let your mom tear down who you truly are. You are better than that and you deserve better than that. If she can't treat you as you deserve to be treated, then she doesn't deserve to be a part of your life. My mom and I are on much better terms after I laid this out to her not long after the above conversation. It's taken a long time, but a lot of it was how I responded (or didn't) to her baiting. If she said something that was out of line, I told her it was out of line and said if she did it again, I would leave/hang up/make her leave (depending on the conversational situation). Then I followed through on it.

Please, please do what is best for you and for your own family now. You need to protect not only yourself but your own children from this woman's plot to tear you down.

Anonymous said...

Go make your own "family" through people/friends/other relatives etc that cherish you for you. Your mom is not going to change...why don't you just "fire" her? Disown her....let her be the mean and thoughtless and selfish person she is.....You have the control and the power (and clearly it sounds like you are very intelligent and articulate....) to choose not to let her continue to "rent space in your head". It's not worth it. Don't let her bully and push you around emotionally.....She does not deserve to be your mom but she is not going to change and you will never get what you are looking for from someone like that...

Take care of yourself. Own it...

Anonymous said...

I also could have wrote this post.... For so many years I have believe what my mom has told me - about myself- and has allowed her opinion of the world and people to influence all of my thoughts and actions. This has been such a negative process for me! If it were not for me initializing a divorce I would still be under her influence and view the world in such negative terms. It seems since I have found positives in my life and remarried to a wonderful man, who truly supports me emotionally, my mother is more negative and resentful. This has caused so much hurt in my heart.

I agree with all of the women who have stated their mothers withheld praise and worthiness from them. I have waited all of my life for a unprompted kind word from my mother and have grown tired of how I 'could' have done this better or 'how could I think like this' it was / is always ' what is wrong with you?'

I have been to therapy trying understand this terrible relationship that should have been the most loving and supportive...

I am a loving, caring, and kind person who is worthy(and needs) a mother's unconditional love!