Monday, August 02, 2010

I Wish I Never Married You

Posted by Anonymous.

You,

I'm tired. I can't fight this uphill battle another day. I just don't have the energy to bridge these gaps anymore. I feel sorry for your crappy upbringing and absentee parents. I know it's hard to lateral your experience into a connected and loving family life, but people do it every day, including me. I didn't exactly come from the best corners of life, either. I'll never say this to you, but I think having a child with you was a huge mistake. I have no regrets about our son, as he is everything to me. However, I have regrets about having him with you.

Don't you understand how hard I work at this? I lost my dad, my mother abandoned me and I was barely raised by my sister. I didn't even have anyone making sure I bathed and brushed my teeth, nevermind the more important stuff in life...so this is a struggle for me. When it comes to parenting I go off of love and common sense, as I don't have much else. I am trying to instill the things in him that were not instilled in me. I try to keep myself calm, despite the fact that riding my last nerve seems to be his favorite hobby as of late. I try to be a firm parent and do the right thing even when it hurts to do so. While these are normal parenting issues, what's not normal is your complete lack of involvement. Your son is going through puberty and he asks ME questions. Not you. ME. And that pisses me off to no end. He should be asking you these questions. The fact that he comes to me for everything proves that in his young life you haven't established any kind of closeness with your boy. He's halfway to adulthood and you've made no effort to positively influence him in any way whatsoever. Do you know what he tells me? "I can't ask dad, he'll say no." Dad is on the computer, he won't help me." "Dad is in the other room, he's busy."

Do you know how much this breaks my heart to hear? DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE HOW MUCH IT MAKES ME HATE YOU?

This is why I fucking nag. Because you put no effort into your relationship with your family whatsoever. Your closest relationships are night elves and shaman, not us humans that love you and stand by you. I know I sound like an out and out jerk, but I have to bleed out the hate and hurt if I am going to get to the heart of things. I want to be sympathetic, I really do. I give you credit for supporting us financially. I give you the respect you deserve and do nice things for you. Somehow, though, you stopped noticing or appreciating any of it. Then again, recognizing mine or our son's value would mean you'd have to pay attention and God forbid you pull the World Of Warcraft out of your ass for 5 minutes. This is why I'm angry. And no matter how many times I've tried talking to you about it, I get nothing.

Speaking of nothing, that's how our love life is now. Do you know how much it hurts to know that I've been treated better intimately by lesser men than you? It makes me feel like less than nothing. When I got sick and couldn't work anymore, you slowly but surely stopped touching me except for at 3 a.m. when you roll over and offer to "help" me finish the job I started. If you don't love me enough to initiate, you can go fuck yourself. I am not a glorified means of masturbation! I am a human being with thoughts and feelings, I deserve better than that! We didn't even consummate our marriage on our wedding night. You spent the night watching movies with your mother while I slept alone.

I WISH I NEVER MARRIED YOU.

Whew...ok. Now I am shifting gears again. I'm sad. What the hell happened to us? We've always had our issues, but we stuck together. Now I feel like we've never been further apart. I don't trust you when you compliment me. I don't like it when you touch me. I miss the days when you didn't push me away. I feel like a lot of this went to hell once I got sick. I feel like you don't love me anymore because I have limited mobility and can't hold down a job right now. I don't expect you to understand what it's like to be me, but I understand you. I know it's hard to watch someone go from a vibrant go-getter to someone that can't carry groceries into the house anymore. I just wish you never pushed me away. I know your heart is good and that you love us, but I don't think you know how to love us. And I'm sorry to say that it's just too late for me.

As the saying goes, "I'm too old for this shit." I really am. I am tired of waiting patiently for you to decide you want to be part of this family you helped make. I'm tired of giving you a pass because you had a shitty childhood. I'm tired of talking about it with you for nothing to happen. I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to volley a ball that isn't even on my side of the court. I'm just done and will bide my time until I get my health back on track and become financially independent again. I have complete faith it will happen, and when it does it's time for me (and our son) to go. 15 years...I can't do it anymore. I want affection, connection, someone that will want to have a relationship with our son. He's such an incredible kid....I'm so sorry you don't know him the way I do. Perhaps it will be better the next time around...and there will be a next time. I'm not allowing our failure of a marriage to sour me on relationships. Who knows, maybe you just don't love me and don't want to admit it. Maybe your next relationship will be a better one, too. I never wanted to say goodbye, but you're giving me no choice. I can't live in misery much longer.

Somewhere deep down inside a micron of my being holds on, hoping the situation will turn around and our family will improve. Unfortunately, my head is 100% convinced it will never happen. Either way, thanks for the good memories. May we all grow from this mess we're in.

Me

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good for you. I can relate to this in so many ways. Good luck to you and God bless.

Anonymous said...

God bless you. It's true that unless we see other women go thru this and write about it our own experience is reduced to 'it must be me'. I know exactly what you mean by every single thing you said.

Anonymous said...

Your story is different than mine in detail, but not emotion. I left my husband of 18 years almost 2 years ago, we have a child who is 14. The loss of intimacy, the resentment, the lack of emotion, the anger. I was miserable, too, felt hopeless, and not recognizing the "me" I once was, and not liking who I had become as a result of the marriage.

When I was "100%" I filed for divorce and never looked back. I still don't look back. EVERY day I become who I was supposed to be and it feels wonderful. People are amazed at how I look when they haven't seen me - it's because I'm happy again. (No plastic surgery or other major physical changes, lol!).

I thought about my child, who was I being as a wife, a mother, a woman. Did I want my child to use me as an example for choosing a future mate? Nope.

My ex? He still doesn't get it. He's still the same. It makes me glad every time he does something to remind me of what it was like having to live with it/him and glad I'm not there to have to.

Anonymous said...

I cried ='( That is so terrible.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure if my husband saw this he'd think I had written it. Except, replace WofW with "other stupid time-wasting CRAP".

I feel for you honey. <>

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this, I am feeling the same in my situation. It gives me some sort of comfort to know that my feelings are valid after hearing from other women. It started after the birth of our child, rather than an illness such as yours. I hear hope in your words, hope for a future. I wish you the best and let that hope heal you. God bless!

Anonymous said...

...sigh, me too sister, me too.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I've been there. Like someone else said, I'm pretty sure if my husband saw this he'd think I had written it. Except, replace WofW with TV.

I was unable to walk for a year, so I can totally relate to what you're going through. His lack of understanding and sympathy hurt us irreparably. After years of bitching at me to get a job, at age 47, I finally finished my bachelor's of science in nursing, with the intention of taking that job and leaving for good.

...just in time for there to be NO nursing jobs left for new grads, and a hiring freeze everywhere.

So I'm still here. Still stuck, going on 23 yrs now. So I feel your pain, your emotions, your frustration...

Your frustration at not being heard and understood, your anger at having spent your youth and your life on someone who wasn't worth it because he doesn't give a damn and never will. Someone so irresponsible and unwilling to put out a single ounce of effort because in his mind, he's doing more than his share simply by supporting the family financially, (even though I've reminded him many a time, he'd have to work whether he had us or not. It's not like it would be an option).

so I'm sorry for your situation, but like others, glad to know my feelings have been validated. That it's not just me.

As Joel Osteen says, it's time for a new beginning. But we have to plant the seeds and BELIEVE it, if we're to see those new doors begin to open. He also says that you can't have faith, if you don't first have hope. I wish you much hope. We can do this. We can break free. We CAN have a different life.

God bless.

Anonymous said...

I was you. I had my first of 8 back surgeries in 2000. I have been married to the same man for the last 25 years. We went through a really bad spell shortly after I hurt my back that lasted a few years at least. I felt like damaged goods and he did not make matters better, only worse. I don't know what worked to get us back to the good stuff, but we did. I have felt just like you. The things you wrote could have come from my own brain. It is better now. Not perfect, just better. I still love my husband and I know that he loves me. I hope for your sake and your child you can find a way to work through the bad stuff and maybe get to a better place. It may not be possible. Whatever happens, don't blame yourself. You have a hard enough time dealing with every day things w/o taking his crap on your shoulders too. I wish you well. I hope you find happiness.

Anonymous said...

WOW..........what a connecion I could feel. I thought I wrote it at times.I can totally relate and I admire you and others who were and are strong enough to move on for yourself.Thanks for sharing, knowing I'm not alone. With hope I'm right behind you!!!!!!!God Bless you and all us woman who have to deal with this kind of stress!!!

Anonymous said...

Your story sounds so much like my own, you could have been reading my mind. Thank you for sharing this.

Anonymous said...

I really understand where you are coming from! I have 4 kids and it pisses me off when he ignores them/me. Just had a big fight over it. Why would two parents fight over that?

I wonder if you had any inklings about your marriage on your wedding night? That would have really freaked me out if he was w/ Mommy watching movies.

Anonymous said...

Been there...done that...you are not alone...There is life after losing the "love" of your life...There is actually love after that, too, be sure of it...I am living proof. You know your worth. You know your son's worth. It is not YOUR FAULT he does not. Emotional abuse comes is all different forms...being ignored and under valued is one form...trust your instincts and flee for a better life because he is the only one who can change HIM...But only YOU can improve you and your son's life at this point. Best wishes and YOU CAN DO IT. I did it 8 years ago this week ending a 16 year marriage...very sad to break it up, but had to do it for your reasons...remarried 7 years..much better so far...Good luck, and hold your head up.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Its amazing how so many women have similar situations... I to felt like your blog was my life.. And if my husband read it he would think I wrote it... Good luck and hope you recover soon..

Anonymous said...

I've said these same words, time and time again. It hurts me knowing that other women (you) have hurt, do hurt, like me. There are good days and bad days, but man, the bad ones seem to last a lifetime! I just kiss my babies and lean on Christ. But know this, you have MANY emotional "twins" out there, and I'm one of them. You and all our other "sisters" are in my prayers tonight. Thanks for putting it all down in words for us to relate to. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I'm truly moved by your essay, and deeply saddened in my heart for your pain. World of Warcraft... god help us. My partner plays video games to, and my life with him is constantly put on hold until he gets to a "save point." I know how you feel, and my heart goes out to you. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

Computer games, video games, iphones, internet, tv.....it is scary how addictive these things can be. And just like drugs or alcohol, surely those addicted (or prone to become so) are those that are not happy with their life. They fill a void with something artificial. Seriously, video games have turned into something that we have to seriously educate our children about, because they truly can be damaging. I believe that satan uses these things, just like drugs and alcohol, to get to us, to provoke us to destroy ourselves. It's a fact, satan can tempt us, but what we do is our choice. It is sad that your husband has chosen, with his free agency, to put a computer game before his family. He will surely be held accountable for this. And do I dare say it.....try not to continue to be angry. Being angry hurts you and may ultimately hurt your son, and you have been hurt enough. Pray, and do what you feel in your heart to be right. Even if you and/or your husband no longer are in love with each other, I'm certain that he loves his son, he's just made and is making bad and selfish choices and unfortunately may continue to do so. My prayers are with you. I wish you the very best.

Anonymous said...

I would advise you to just DUMP the immature loser, but in the event you want to give it one more go, DEMAND-do not request--counselling to commence within a week's time. If he balks, toss his ass out.

There is a distinct serenity in living without a whining WoW addict. The electricity bill will go down, too. Don't rush into a new relationship, at least not a "live in" one. There's something to be said for maintaining your own space, too!

Michael said...

OK - here is one guy's perspective
It may sound harsh, but that's the way it is.
That's what you and many other women get for the horrible choices you make when young about what's attractive about a guy. Bad boy = attractive; unavailable = I've got to have him; treats me like shit = I really need him now; doesn't treat anyone with respect = I bet I can change him.
Nice, decent guys who respect you = too available and not dangerous enough. I bet all of you who commented that this could be you had ample warnings about character when you were dating. I'm sure your first clue wasn't on your honeymoon.
Women reward bad behavior in men by chasing and sleeping with real tools, then complain 15 years later about things they new about from the start. Make better choices.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm a woman, and I have to admit, Michael is 100% right. Granted I'm not married, I'm a single woman in my late 20's, but I've seen this pattern in many of my friends, I see the signs that Michael has pointed out and avoid them, call me picky but I'd rather have my freedom and independence rather than be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.

However, I do sympathize with the writer of this blog...my heart goes out to you and I hope things get better for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

To Michael and the poster who agrees with him - you have no idea that the husband started out as a "tool." Addictions develop over time. People change, and not always for the better.

To the original poster - RUN, don't walk, to the nearest counselor. Ask him to come if you want, but if he won't, you'll still benefit and get stronger faster if you go. I would also be factual and blunt when your husband starts to ask "what's wrong?" Don't get into the argument. Simply state facts.

He has issues, but he has to want to work on them. You can only focus on what's right for you and your son. His "wake up" call may come too late.

Michael said...

A guy who spends his honeymoon with his mother watching movies has given you plenty of clues earlier that he is a tool. He wasn't taken over by pod people the day of his marrige. I do sympathize with your distress - I just see this pattern repeated over and over again. The second part of the pattern usually involves sticking with the guy for way too long and making excuses for him. Women need to stop rewarding bad behavior. Guys are not going to shape up if bad behavior is rewarded.

Anonymous said...

I think I wrote this. Oops, no...you do a lot more apologizing than I do. How nice of you.

Good luck.

Elizabeth said...

Ladies, I can relate. But don't despair. There is a way out. I hope you will read the story I am posting at www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com. I too am thankful for the children but keep wondering "What if I were still with him?" I hope you will take a peek, follow and find out what happened to me.

Elizabeth

Anonymous said...

Wow, this hit so close to home. It made me cry, made me feel less alone, made me angry that another child and woman were being hurt like this.
I am on my way to divorce. I do it all, pretty much now, so I need get out of the situation and work on our healing.

Anonymous said...

You are not alone in your situation. I'm there too. I wish for you the strength and clarity to make the best decision for you and your son.

Monique said...

Whoever wrote this, THANK YOU for sharing. I felt so alone in my awful journey with a man I was with (thankfully only for 3 years) but, it felt like a lifetime. My son is now 2, and the life I have now is full of happiness and hope, wheres before it was a never-ending bucket of tears and hopelessness.

Good luck with everything. You deserve to be happy, too!

Anonymous said...

Very good point Michael, thank you for sharing. Us women should never put up with any of that in the first place. It seems to be our nature though to be forgiving and give people second chances, and put ourselves second (or 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th...). We naturally put others before ourselves and men naturally do the opposite (it seems). We just have to find some way to comprimise. Love you ladies! Be strong!

Dr. Greg Cynaumon said...

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel - don't lose hope...you can survive..because if you can't, why you still exist until now?

x o x o u i said...

I love that a guy stepped up and gave his two-cents. We may agree with him or not, but you have to admit that Michael has a point. How many times did I throw away a perfectly good guy for some dumb shit? (Like my EX.) Augh...

Anonymous said...

I didn't think anyone else knew someone like this. I am thankful I am not married to him, but I go through the same thoughts when I try to argue why Starcraft is not as important as playing with your son on the weekends.

Laurie said...

Granted I have only been married for a year, but I think you're underestimating yourself when you display such anger towards the one you love. Is the main issue that the level of respect and care has diminished? Wss he a kind man when you were dating, and now he's just given up? Perhaps he was looking for the same level of attention from you, that he was getting from his mother. And because you're not giving that to him, he turns to video games? I just can't see that he's a "bad" person, and I really hope there is a way that you can open up this level of communication with him, to see how he feels. My husband also plays a lot of video games, and he has a room set up dedicated to his games. He also uses this time to catch up with friends online via one of those hands free headsets. I always make sure that time doesn't interfere with our dinner time together, and we also make sure to see friends face-to-face instead of only in virtual reality. When he does play, I use this time to have a nice cup of tea and watch home and garden shows or a "chick flick". Sometimes we play together, as well. That's what I get for marrying a geek, I guess, but I'm glad that I didn't marry the type of guy that Michael described.
Maybe you were in my place after one year of marriage and something was lost along the way? Do you think it ends at video games or do you think he's up to something else online?

Michael said...

Thank you to the posters on this board who are tolerant of different views - when I re-read my comments, I hope they don't sound too harsh. Women certainly don't have a monopoly on poor mate selection, men just reward a different set of poor behavior. I think that men, however are much quicker to end things while women make excuses for jerks for years. When a child enters in, things change. Poor or absent parenting by either parent really angers me and is not ok. When you make a baby, you take on a life-time obligation. I hope you muster up the courage, energy, and support to leave this loser, the sooner the better. Work on your strength and forget trying to excuse him or change him. Then spend some time reflecting on what you want in life - you deserve much more. Do not repeat this mistake with another loser.

Anonymous said...

Why are there so many of us who can tell this story, change a few minor details, put our names at the bottom (or not) and call it our own? This is sad as a story by itself. Every single woman in the world who can tell this story as her own makes it that much sadder. Honestly, I, like many other women who have commented here, thought mine was the only story like this.

I'm sorry for those of us who have lived this story. But those who have commented about having been through it and come out the other side, where the grass really is greener give me hope. Hope for all of us who share this story or one similar.

Now I ask myself "when will I decide I've had enough? How far does this have to go before I take our son and leave?"

And to Michael -- Even the strongest of us find it hard to walk away from a life (no matter how bad it is) that we have invested SO MUCH into. It can be especially hard when health problems restrict us from being financially independent, physically independent, or both. I know that many of us will one day look in the mirror and say "you deserve better and it is time to do something about it". Sometimes it just takes time before we can finally decide we have had enough.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the men that we are married to are far from the men that we married. In my case it took a little less than a year. Upon his insistance, I got pregnant. Then came the pregnancy pounds, the baby who stayed sick half of the first year of his life. Then came post-pregnancy complications. Then the surgery and recovery. I keep thinking the man I married could still be in there. Somewhere. Every so often I catch a glimpse of him, but it is gone so fast I can't tell if I saw it or imagined it.

Sometimes it isn't bad judgment. Sometimes things happen that we just can not control. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

--To the original author, thank you for posting. I needed to know I wasn't alone in my thoughts and emotions tonight. I hope you know how much reading this has helped me. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Michael at first seemed to think the husband was a classic "bad boy." There is a large contingent of "nice guys" on the Internet who are very vocal about women chasing the "bad boys" and then complaining when the "bad boys" don't make good partners.

They have a point, but in this particular case, the WOW addiction tells me the husband in this case probably was one of those quiet, introverted, "nice" guys, not an arrogant "bad boy."

The people who get addicted to online games so often are those introverted, intelligent, unappreciated "nice" folks (I know women WOW addicts too.) The classic "bad boy" is getting plenty of fun and reinforcement out of his real life.

"Nice" people need to be on the lookout for addiction to online games.

Anonymous said...

Know the Feeling 14 years and in my case I am not ill. I work my ass off and am told I do nothing to help, but yet i do it all

Chivon said...

*sniff sniff* you life doesn't sound easy and I'm sorry. You deserve so much better in life. GI applaud your courage to walk away. You GO GIRL! ood luck to you!

Anonymous said...

Like many other commenters, my details are a little different but I'm at the same point in my marriage. I feel trapped at this point. And can't believe that I am in this position but here I am. It makes me feel so hopeless when I realize I will probably spend the rest of my life without love and attention from my 'partner" in life who has turned out to be anything but my partner.

BeckoningBalance~ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BeckoningBalance~ said...

You are an amazing person with a luminous spirit. Set your intention for what you want in your life and repeat it every day (i.e. My intention is to live a compassionate life with a compassionate partner). . . and ask that it happen for the "greater good" and let go of the attachment to the outcome (i.e.and I want to look just like this . . .). I know it sounds trite and simple, but the universe has an amazing way of taking care of us and the more you allow his negativity to fester in you it will beget negativity and steal the energy in your positive spirit. You clearly need change. Live and love for yourself and your son and believe that you can manifest a new destiny. It won't happen overnight, but if you focus on it when the hatred and negativity is in front of you or you feel it possessing you-- your life will change for the better. Sending you love and healing energy.

Anonymous said...

I would like to aim a spotlight on what was said about the "nice" guys who succumb to video game addictions. I dated (I had thoughts of marrying, God help me) a very sweet, very nice, broke, chivalrous guy. He turned into a complete momma's boy who left a mess in his wake when we lived together for those 6 horrible months. He spent his time playing WoW, borrowed money from me to attend police college, then failed his classes. I asked him to move out, and he broke up with me. I regret ever meeting him because I don't seem to love anything anymore. There's no deep emotional devotion like there was with him.