Thursday, August 12, 2010

What It Feels Like To Be Left Behind

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear "K",

The other day I was brushing your daughter's hair, making sure the part was even, forming a twist, making it just right. She smiled in the mirror when I told her I made a French twist and because it was "French" it was fancy. Then I grew mad, chills went up my spine. I thought of another woman brushing my daughter's hair, parting it, twisting it and I couldn't take it. I couldn't stand the thought of another woman standing in and doing something so intimate with my daughter. The mere idea of someone touching her head and making her feel that good moved me to tears and made me angry. Call me selfish but that's just me.

When you drove down the road in your U-haul I watched those girls cling to their father, did you know it took every ounce of strength I had not to run after your truck? Did you know I wanted to drag you out of that truck by your hair and hit you? I never had a stronger desire to hit, beat, mutilate someone in my life. You left. You were selfish. You left your children and I HATE you for that. I hate you as much as I hate my own mother.

One day I woke up to find all my worldly childhood possessions packed up in black garbage bags. Say good bye because after school you are going to live with your dad. That was it. I was disposable. That is how it felt. I wasn't worth the fight. It hurt. It still hurts now.

Seeing you hurt your daughters in the same way is something that is too personal to me. I hate you more then these words can say. It would take fire. It would take death to separate me from my children. I won't, couldn't leave them. I know what it feels like to be left behind and that is enough for me to hate you like I do.



Anonymous said...

You are *awesome* and those girls are lucky to have you in their lives. She may be their biological mom, but it sounds like you're their real mom.

Anonymous said...

Wow - I really felt the pain and anger in this post. I breaks my heart.

Another Suburban Mom said...

This post breaks my heart. The girls have you and your fierce love for them will guide you all through.

Anonymous said...

Not knowing the situation, I will try not to judge. I had neighbors at one time that his four children spent six weeks of the summer with he and his wife and their two children together. His kids were delightful to have in the neighborhood each and every year. At the end of one summer, when these kids were aged seven to thirteen, their mother decided that she couldn't deal and they should just stay with dad. No discussion, just keep them. I was appalled that a mother could do this, but then I realized that this was most likely a selfless act that was most difficult for that mom. She left them in a more stable environment than she was able to provide. The father and step-mother did a fabulous job of scrambling to get these unexpected blessings ready for school in less than a weeks time. Sometimes the most heart-wrenching decision is the best option for the children.

Anonymous said...

People have children for many reasons, but the worst reason would be from not caring to take precautions and not thinking about the consequences. It's tragic, but in reality we humans are often backpeddling and trying to undo the mistakes we make after we've made them. With's just not that easy to do.

I have made that mistake, and I feel horrible about it and blame myself, as in part I should. Yet, I was also mature enough to realise that making two mistakes doesn't make it better. It's not right to struggle on with a situation if it isn't feasible, as in the long run you will cause more emotional damage to someone that is very impressional (ie the child(ren)). Therfore I made the decision very early on to backout and leave responsibilty to someone who would.

But as I said, we often backpeddle and try to undo the mistakes we make. So often we see people seemingly give up on their children years after struggling on with the responsibilty. Society doesn't help by stigmatising people who walk out on children. Our gut instinct is to villify as somehow they are blame and they should have known, or they should just put up and not complain of their lot in life.

But we don't know better, and we often don't think how it will be. To be honest, if we thought that far ahead about everything in our life, we'd stay inside forever lost in our thoughts about the future without doing anything in the now.

With that said, it's one thing to pass responsibilty and move on, but it's another to pass responsibilty and still flaunt the carefree life around people who clearly still remember. I don't know the circumstances but this part ("When you drove down the road in your U-haul I watched those girls cling to their father") seems very wrong. I would caution against overt hatred for one reason. Clearly thos children either still care or fear or have some emotion towards their mother for whatever reason. Do not mix their emotions with yours, as inevitably they will mimic or absorb some of what you outwardly show toward her. It could confuse them and make things worse in the long run.

I hope that helps.

Anonymous said...

The reasons for your feelings are very valid. I'm sorry that was a part of your childhood, the pain is still there and as a divorced mom, I can't imagine inflicting that on a child.

My concern for you, especially because you experienced this first hand, is that your emotions don't affect the children. The mother made a really bad decision, but it is important to keep their mother/child relationship as positive as possible.

It doesn't sound like you and your mother have come to terms with her abandonment. Maybe she doesn't deserve the love of her child, I don't know the situation. BUT, if you could make it better, wouldn't you? That is what I'm hoping you will foster in these girls. (Not illusion or delusion).

Maybe their mother shouldn't be in the picture, but if she has redeeming qualities, her children should be able to have the freedom to learn what they are, and who their mother is.

It sounds like this is a new situation and the pain is fresh for all of you. Please look past this and think and plan for the girls and you. It sounds like you may be able to re-write history for yourself (to some degree). Use this opportunity for the best possible outcome.

Most Sincerely,