Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Without You

Posted by Anonymous.

I married your ex husband and raised your three children. They were 4,5,and 6 when you left and 15, 16, and 17 when you killed yourself. You left me here holding the bag.

I took you in and made you a part of our family so that YOUR kids could get to know YOU. I raised them as if they were mine and they never wanted for anything. Except for you, that is... You were around in the end but you were more like a favorite aunt instead of a mom. They loved you then and even more now. I disciplined them, taught them right from wrong, loved them unconditionally, held them while they cried over your absence, tried to explain why you left them with their dad, I was everything you didn't want to be.

So why did you do this to me? I never resented you for leaving your responsibilities with me! I loved you as a friend but I loved you mostly because you were the mother of the children that I loved so much. Since you have been gone the two oldest kids will not speak to me any longer. They hate me for doing your job for you.... Your family hates me for raising and loving your children. How could you be so selfish? Were you trying to get back at me for taking your place? What else was I supposed to do? You gave them to me and they needed someone to care for them, so I did.

In the wake of your death, your children have turned their anger on me. It breaks my heart that the children I love so much, resent me so heavily. It pisses me off that you were a horrible mother but now that you are gone, you were the greatest thing that ever lived. Your oldest son wasnt even speaking to you when you died because he was so angry at you. Now he goes around telling everyone what a great mother you were. I wasted the last 15 years of my life raising your kids. I devoted the last 15 years of MY life to YOUR kids! I hate you for what you have done. I regret the day that I ever told you that I would take care of them! This has turned out to be the worst mistake I have ever made. You took a really good thing and destroyed it. But I guess that was what you did best! Destroyed everything good in your life. Yet, somehow, I am the bad guy! How does that happen?

It has been three years and it seems to get worse as time goes by. You took the love that I felt for those kids and turned it into anger, resentment and regret! I took you to get help and you pushed me away. I knew this was coming and I threw my hands up because I was so frustrated. I am so sorry I didn't try harder to save you. Maybe if I had, "our" kids would still love me. But, what's done is done, and your kids are lost in this world without you and now without me. If I could go back in time, I would NOT do this over! I hope you are happy where ever you are! Just so you know.... we are anything but.


Gina said...

It sounds like your kids (and yes - they are yours) are hurting and looking for someone to blame. It's easier than dealing with the pain. You don't say where your husband stands in all of this, but I think you need to be strong together and get the kids some help - some counseling. They need to deal with their grief and pain. And when they do, they will realize that they still love and appreciate you! You're in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

my prayers are with you. they need time to heal and realize they were taking their grief out on the only person they knew could take it. be strong. you didnt waste a single moment of your life on them. good things will come to you it just takes time for kids (especially teens) to realize who loves them and is there for them

Anonymous said...

These kids have a lot of anger and nowhere to put it. They know they can trust and rely on you, so they take it out on you. (It sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true)
Please, as a family, go into counseling. Or get them some one on one help. They're confused and angry, so they're lashing out. Trust me, those kids love you and think of you as their mom --but they probably feel gulity for that feeling....

Anonymous said...

I don't know how you got together with her ex, but it seems to me that it devastated her.

Give the kids space. LOTS of space. Keep being honest with your feelings of anger and wasted time, but not openly to them or their dad. Grieve with them though. If you loved her too, then show that. Be sad about that. Let them know each and every time that you miss her too. Go along with the "she was the most wonderful mom in the world" if that's what it takes. Those kids just don't know how to love you now that she's gone. If she was alive, they could have repaired their relationship, but now they'll never have that chance. They don't want to betray their mom by loving you. But in time, things will heal and they won't feel like they have to choose between their mom and you.

Stay away from counselling. If they go on their own or someone else suggests it, good. But you bringing it up, when you're alive and well and their mom isn't, will trigger them to no end. They will see it as you trying to force them to move on (aka forget about her) for your own gain. I think you love them too much to do that.

Keep strong. You'll find the answers.

Alicia said...

My parents divorced when I was 3, and I've had the same stepdad since I was 5 (I'm 34 now). My dad killed himself when I was 11. So... background.

Give the kids time. They'll (probably) come back around to you. They know you love them, but they're hurting. It doesn't matter what kind of (non) mom their mom was. It doesn't matter what kind of person she was with or away from them. It doesn't matter that you provided for them. All they can feel is the pain of losing someone who brought them into the world. They may romanticize her; it doesn't take away their knowledge that you love them. Losing a parent, as a child, especially to suicide, is not something you can ever begin to understand unless you experience it. It's like having children. You can't understand having children until you do it.

For me, this single experience changed everything I've ever done in my life since. No question. My dad was an alcoholic, and I lived with my mom, but it makes no difference. He was my connection to this world in so many ways I can't get back.

Get them in therapy, if at all possible, whether as a family or as individuals. Definitely as individuals. I just started therapy for the first time ever a couple months ago. It's astonishing to me that I didn't do it sooner. I have carried such pain and loss and depression and anxiety - to the point of PTSD - for so long, while pretending that I was fine.

I was lucky that my own experience went the way it did... pushed me to DO things, good things, I probably would never have done otherwise, but it just as easily could have gone the other way (destruction, self harm, ...).


Anonymous said...

The post from Anonymous, two posts above this that begins "I don't know how you got together with her ex, but it seems to me that it devastated her."

I completely and utterly disagree with pretty much everything.

Anonymous said...

I agree with anonymous at 6:50 am - the one who said, "These kids have a lot of anger and nowhere to put it. They know they can trust and rely on you, so they take it out on you."
It's like when kids are little... they can push boundaries at home, where they know they are loved, but won't do it at school or elsewhere, where they are not sure. They can get angry at you and take it out on you because they know you'll be there when they're not angry anymore; this is a good thing, ultimately, and speaks to your bond, and their knowledge of your love for them, although incredibly hard for you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Anonymous said...

All you really have in this world is what you say, what you do, and what you're intentions are. When you speak or act you define yourself, the other people are already defined. The human brain is not fully developed until age 20-25 years. The children are still maturing--difficult situation, and now they are not only grieving but processing a lot of complex emotions regarding the dysfunction you describe they experienced in relation to their biological mother. The mature adults in this situation need to be consistently emotionally present for these children without judging them. Biological love is a slippery fish--. I say, if you care about the chilren and their longterm outcome, just be there for them no matter what. I understand natural consequences for behaviors and I sure appreciate that it is not much fun being there for someone who doesn't seem very likeable at a given moment. Take care of yourself and your energy levels so that you can really be there for them in their time of need. WATCH OUT that you don't behave from a position of conditional love; it is sooooo dangerous, but so easy to slpi into if you want someone to behave differently from the way that they are. You are positioned well to really help them because you know them well so you know how they assume love, BUT grief and loss are comple specialty areas; I would definitely turn to some professionals for help, advice and support as you try to help and support these kids. Helping them through something like this is not easy, BUT it sounds like you have made it your job a long time ago based on nthe degree to which you have trepresented yourself in the relationship. SHE did NOT do that TO you, you did that to yourself when you represented yourself in the relationship with the minor children to the degree that you describe. A family is NOT children who thank you and love you and take inventory of all of the things you did for them when they were young and their brains were still developing... a family is having people in your life to love. You love them because you decide to love them, not conditionally based on how they behave. You start there, you remain consistently emotionally present, for however long it takes, and when people are dealing with tough stuff it can take along time. When kids see and feel your loyalty and believe that you are there to want the best for them and to help them to achieve that for themselves, things will start to slowly improve. Be there for them. Do not do the conditional love thing. Do not compare them to each other, they all have different natural gifts and challenges and different resiliences to being affected by what they have been through.And, get some advice from the professionals about how to deal with the tough stuff.

I really think if you treat them fairly you will reap the rewards of relationship with them. I just don't know how long it will take. Be consistent and it will come. If you care at all about them (or even about who you are as aperson)m don't give up on them. A good relationship with them is eventally possible if you do the right thing, take the correct approach. You will have to be prepared to give more than you receive until they are able to recognize the quality of their relationship with you and become able to give back.

Val said...

Anon 7:02 lost me on the "stay away from counseling" advice...

I think it's also pretty clear that SHE left HIM, but that's really inconsequential.

Anon 11:57 says it best!

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel...