Wednesday, March 12, 2008

How Do You Know?

Posted by Anonymous

How do you know when he's having an affair? If you've been through it, how did you know/find out?

Thanks for any guidance you can give.


Kate said...

Sigh. I'm sorry you're having reason to worry.

I didn't find out - I had no idea. One of his friends finally sent me an email saying, "I think you should know," and then when I called him and asked, he admitted to it.

A dear friend found out because she asked to borrow his computer - again, no suspicions ahead of time - and tried to copy-and-paste something into an email. But apparently the copy part didn't work right, because when she hit "paste," it pasted an email from him to a potential new swinging partner.

In my experience, that's a bit more common, the no-idea-until-it's-obvious kind of hand grenade in your heart. But I think that if there's the faintest suspicion, it's worth a date night out, no kids, in a public place, to share your concerns and why. I would ****always**** rather be called paranoid than find out I was right later on.

Big hugs your way. I hope he's not.

Bea said...

Like Kate, I didn't know until I was hit in the face with a confession - but in retrospect, the sudden disinterest in sex should have been a tip-off.

Avalon said...

If you are questioning, in some way, you already know.

flutter said...

Why do you suspect?

dkaz said...

At a children's birthday party, the husband of my sister's best friend told her that her husband and his wife were seeing each other. She was completely blind-sided. They had all gone to school together worked near each other, and so it wasn't odd that her husband and friend would have coffee together once in a while. I don't know what 'signs' there were to miss; she trusted him and never saw it coming. I'm sorry you are having doubts. Hopefully, its nothing.

Anonymous said...

1. He's missing - even for as short a time as half an hour. This time increases and becomes more frequent as affair progresses.

2. He comes up with excuses for having to leave the house or stay out of the house - working late, work trip, going out with the guys.

3. Does not answer cell/pager, and always has an excuse - "Cell was off"; "Cell wasn't working." I'm not talking the occasional occurrences - this is all the time.

4. Hang-ups at your house; strange numbers dialed out and called in; frequent e-mails/texting.

5. Suddenly has an interest in new boxers/underwear and his appearance. Just like if you wanted to impress a guy - you'd make sure you'd look your best all of the time.

6. Money is missing/spent; charges on credit card.

7. He talks about another woman a lot...always acts as if this person is so nice; may even complain about her to throw you off.

I found out through snooping and from other people.

Now, my husband and I did work things out, and I believe our marriage is absolutely 100% better now. It's taken me a good 10 years to get over it, and I have the occasional fear and sadness. But I think it was worth staying together.

Anonymous said...

He wouldn't answer his cell phone around me. It would ring and he would glance at it and turn the ringer off. He would tell me it was someone he didn't want to talk to. And he kept his cell phone with him all of the time. Never left it on the counter or anything. Finally I looked at it when he was taking a shower. There were alot of text's from a girl, they were very sexual and graphic. I copied her number and sent her a text. She had no idea he was married, he had lied to her. She broke it off with him and I took my kids and left.