It all came flooding back to me when I was cleaning out my car. In the glove box, under napkins and expired insurance cards, was a ring. I literally gasped when I found it. I thought I had lost it. There would be years that the ring would come to mind and I would clean my jewelry box out thinking that I might find it this time. After my unsuccessful searches I would put the thought away with the notion that it was better that I didn't have it anymore. But, now I have it again. Now it IS in my jewelry box. And with it has come so many memories.
I can't remember what year it was that he challenged me to try and slip that ring off his finger. He said that if I could do it I could keep it. With very little tugging I had the ring in my possession. I think he wanted me to have it. It is nothing special, simple in design, with his initals stamped on the front. It fit on his pinky and he told me he had owned it since he was a boy. He didn't demand it back, so I kept it.
He and I were never officially an item. That's what made our relationship so unique. It spanned nearly five years and yet we were never truly together. We had moments, sometimes they were stolen moments. He terrified me with the things he made me feel. I didn't understand them. And I still don't, not fully. He made me feel fragile and naïve, and yet so very beautiful and empowered. He would talk to me about how beautiful the arch of my back was or how much he loved my belly button. He would kiss me slowly, with reverence, as if he could freeze time and make that moment go on forever. He cherished me as a woman, before I had even really come into my own. He made my body hum, but he did not make my heart sing.
Now, I'm with a wonderful man. He has my heart completely and loves me without limitations. He cherishes me as a wife and as a friend. And although I do not miss the man that gave me that ring, I sometimes miss the way he made me feel.
I am thinking about sending his ring back to him. It's been over 10 years since we have even seen each other and he has a wife of his own now. Wouldn't that be the right thing to do? I don't want to cause problems or have un-needed questions asked of either him or me from our spouses. That chapter in our lives has long been closed. So, should I send it? Should I keep it? Or should I throw it into the lake and let the fish have it?
20 comments:
I would send it back. In an envelope without a return address or a note. Just the ring..wrapped in tissue or something.
I bet it will bring him a wistful memory, too. :)
No no no no no. Do not send it back. Don't contact him. Let your memories stay bittersweet.
I have someone like this in my past, too, and unfortunately he is infinitely fun to Google, posting corny videos of himself and forum posts. But I contacted him, once, and it was bad bad bad.
Throw it in the lake. Let the past stay in the past where it belongs.
If you love your present life, get rid of the ring. Do not send it back. Get rid of the ring and move forward with your life. I have had friends in situations like this and it always ends badly. I urge you, if you love your present life do not stir things up, let it go. Move forward.
I say keep it. Don't contact him. Just tuck it away....but I agree with the comment above about not stirring the pot.
Did you tell your husband about the ring? If not, your life is missing something. Something big. Don't send it back, throw it out or tuck it away and look at it if you need to - but better yet - find a way to make your husband feel the way you need to feel.
Then you won't give a hoot about the ring, dear.
From a financial perspective the ring is worth nothing. Seriously, search "childs signet ring" on EBAY and you'll see it is likely the ring is worth under $20.00. This is NOT an expensive piece so the question about "wouldn't that be the right thing to do" bear no weight from a financial perspective. From an emotional perspective your job now is to take care of your present relationship. Get rid of the ring. Do not contact the guy. All the stuff you felt back then was NOT the basis for a solid, sustainable, caring, lasting relationship. It was lust or youth. Worth something as a private memory but NOT worth opening PANDORA's box . To be honest, the guy sounds quite voyeuristic or narcisstic or something. Let sleeping dogs lay. And, don't poke the bear.
Man this story sounds familiar...the guy's name isn't Steve is it??? I know, don't name names to protect the innocent, it's just when you said he made you feel at the same time fragile and naive and yet so very beautiful and empowered. I had a guy like that, he turned out to be a stalker when I wised up and tried to break it off with him. People always say "watch how a guy treats his mother and you'll know what kind of spouse he'll be". I say B...S...! It is how you feel when you are with him that is important. How YOU feel. Feeling fragile and naive in someone's presence is not good. I would not do anything that could lead to any sort of connection with this guy. If you return the ring, surely he will know it was you and he will seek you out. Are your prepared for that?
I know exactly what you mean. I had someone like this once. I love my husband and our life together and have absolutely no interest in contacting this other guy, but once upon a time I was deeply in love with him and it's not something you just forget.
I would tell your husband about the ring and ask what he thinks you should do with it.
I don't think it's wrong to keep mementos from your past. It definitely seems you're not in love with him, you're in love with that time of your life. Those emotions can be hard to separate under certain circumstances. I have lots of things stored away that were given to me from ex-boyfriends and ex-friends. I wouldn't contact him, but I prefer to keep the past in the past. I've felt guilty for Googling exes, like I was tempting fate.
By sending the ring back it gives you closure.
I agree with poster number one, send it back with nothing else. It says, "Here, you can have this back. I don't need it anymore."
You're not asking for him to come make you feel all gooey again, you're telling him you've let go.
Leave the ring to the fishes ! Don't send it back, he probably doesn't even remember that ring and to whom he gave it ! Just keep him in mind as a nice souvenir and don't dig out the past ! You might burn yourself !
You are going to have to deal with him again, definitely, if you send back the ring, you are going out of your way to contact him again....for what?? No, it's not the right thing to do. The right thing to do is to be completely faithful to your current relationship. Throw it in the lake.
Sending back that ring stirs up waaaaay too much potential drama. He has a wife of his own...how would you feel if suddenly your husband's old girlfriends started sending things that hold a lot of memories back? Me, I'd be pissed off.
And on the flip side, if he takes it as a sign to contact you, and YOUR husband catches wind of that, there's no way he won't feel hurt. Do you want to do that to him?
Bottom line is that if the ring meant enough to him that he wanted it, he would have asked for it. Since he hasn't, and its been quite a while, its yours to do as you wish. Keep it or get rid of it, but my recommendation is "Here fishy fishy fishy."
I think you'd definitely be stirring the pot by sending it back. Subconsciously, perhaps you'd like to get a reaction from him.
If you really don't want to start anything up, just keep it. Tuck it away in your jewelry box and cherish the sweet memories that it brings back.
I say don't send it back. He gave it to you, so it's now yours and you can do what you want with it. Throwing it away is probably the best thing to do, as it would be a testament to the commitment you have to your husband as the only man in your life for as long as you both live.
I don't recommend telling your husband. Why arouse feelings in him about this issue if you are (as it seems) confident in your feelings for him and over this other guy?
It was a gift. Why would you send it back? I can only see it potentially hurting him as some sort of rejection of the past you and he shared.
I had a ring..and it was sweetly given and would have been mean of me to return.
I am married to a wonderful man, and I gave the ring (not a child signet ring) to my oldest daughter. It is a pretty piece of jewelry and it has made her happy. And yes, my husband knows all about it.
I say keep it..treasure the memories for how they have helped make you who you are. If the memories make you long for something more intimate with your husband..find a way to talk with him about that need. That is separate than a piece of jewelry.
Sending the ring back is intentional communication. You're telling him something, saying "It's over."
Why tell him this, unless you want a reaction?
I had someone in my past like the man you write about, only I'm married to him now. The only reason I'd have ever sent him his ankh pendant back (I got it from him in high school) would have been to give myself an excuse to contact him, and to give him a reason to contact me back.
Tossing the ankh in the trash, on the other hand, would have only been for me. And had I not loved him anymore, that's probably what I would have done.
I say throw it in the lake and don't tell your husband. If he is insecure at all it will feed that insecurity and he will worry that you are comparing him to that person from your past.
I don't think you should send it back. You are both married now, and I think it will just be stirring up things that don't need to be stirred up. I think if you feel that you need to keep the ring, it is something you might want to look at deeper. If you are happy in your current marriage, I think it would be easy to get rid of. It might be hurtful for your husband if you keep it. Getting rid of the ring won't get rid of the memories anyways. Just my 2 cents!
There is nothing wrong with remembering an old love as long as you are completely committed to your life and it is just remembering. Keep the ring it is part of who you are and part of your history. I have kept letters and pictures and gifts as well and they remind me of the journey that brought me to my husband and my life.
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