I am not a whore.
I don't get paid.
What I am is 30, newly single and unable to say no to anyone. I have a man that I've been dating non-exclusively who is falling harder all the time and I could see myself falling madly in love with him, as well. I also have my Monday night date that entails sex and some general chatter afterwards. I have my 23 year old who I'll spend hours and days in bed having mind-blowing sex. I have my military boy that comes home on occasion for dinner and a blow-job. I have the one who wants it bad, but I just haven't found the time. I have the girls who are vying for our first dates and I'm desperately trying to fit them in, as well. And not one of them knows about the others.
I don't understand this part of me. It's been like this since I was a teenager. When I am with someone in an exclusive relationship, I'm loyal-- fiercely loyal to the point of not even thinking about anyone else. When it's just me? I want as much as I can get, as often as I can, I want to sample everything. It feels almost dirty. Something shameful I have to hide from my friends and family. I want to say it's because I'm a sex-positive female who's in charge of her own sexuality.
In reality, I think it's low self-esteem and self-loathing.
I could care less about the talking to them afterwards or maintaining any sort of connection to them later. Better that I don't get attached. That hot boy isn't going to love me, he's just going to want what I can give him better than anyone else has. And so I want to keep giving it to him. Maybe someday he'll want more or realize how good he has it with me. Most likely he'll move on to someone prettier, someone smarter, someone skinnier, someone lovable.