Thursday, February 26, 2009

Can't Say No

Posted By Anonymous

I am not a whore.
I don't get paid.
What I am is 30, newly single and unable to say no to anyone. I have a man that I've been dating non-exclusively who is falling harder all the time and I could see myself falling madly in love with him, as well. I also have my Monday night date that entails sex and some general chatter afterwards. I have my 23 year old who I'll spend hours and days in bed having mind-blowing sex. I have my military boy that comes home on occasion for dinner and a blow-job. I have the one who wants it bad, but I just haven't found the time. I have the girls who are vying for our first dates and I'm desperately trying to fit them in, as well. And not one of them knows about the others.
I don't understand this part of me. It's been like this since I was a teenager. When I am with someone in an exclusive relationship, I'm loyal-- fiercely loyal to the point of not even thinking about anyone else. When it's just me? I want as much as I can get, as often as I can, I want to sample everything. It feels almost dirty. Something shameful I have to hide from my friends and family. I want to say it's because I'm a sex-positive female who's in charge of her own sexuality.
In reality, I think it's low self-esteem and self-loathing.
I could care less about the talking to them afterwards or maintaining any sort of connection to them later. Better that I don't get attached. That hot boy isn't going to love me, he's just going to want what I can give him better than anyone else has. And so I want to keep giving it to him. Maybe someday he'll want more or realize how good he has it with me. Most likely he'll move on to someone prettier, someone smarter, someone skinnier, someone lovable.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Have fun, your young, but just make sure you are using protection.

Anonymous said...

I second what anon@8:05 said.

Anonymous said...

Be careful. Be smart. HAVE FUN!

Anonymous said...

BE CAREFUL.

If this isn't what you want to be doing, though, you should get some help. I had a friend that dealt with her depression and low self-esteem this way. Things didn't end well for her.

You're worth much more.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I could have written this post myself!
We're just having fun! And like you, I know it all comes from insecurities, which is why I will be going to a therapist soon to discuss this cyclical behavior.
But as long as you're smart about everything - why not?!

Anonymous said...

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, but it seems like you do. I used to use sex as a way to hide my depression from myself, and it worked for a long time. Finally, though, the depression just got out of hand and no amount of sex in the world was helping any more.

Don't judge yourself. Sex is good and fun and hot, but if at the end you feel unlovable, you need some help.

Kate said...

It's not unusual to relish newly single status.

Be careful in terms of protection and be careful that your defense mechanism of having sex doesn't head into dangerous territory. It's good to have fun & enjoy it, but if each time you start hating yourself after, or if you start sleeping with people you don't care for, just to do so, it might be time to re-evaluate.

Your self worth could get wrapped up in how these men see you - sexy, desirable, lovable. Until they start to back off, head into other relationships and so on, and then you could find yourself floundering.

Best wishes to you.

Anonymous said...

I used to have sex like that just to feel something, anything, and to chase of those feelings of insecurity for just long enough that it took them to do it, get dressed and leave.

Now that those years are behind me, I try to not let myself regret the things I did and with who because I know deep down, that those mindless fucks are part of who I am. And I refuse to deny who I am.

Embrace the stories that those men and women have contributed to who you are, and just be safe. Nothing wrong with having fun and mindless sex. Even the sex that is done just to feel something.

Anonymous said...

Yes it's okay to have a lot of sex if you are careful. But I think the real question here is, What happened to make you think it is better not to get attached? Why are they going to move on to someone "better"? Why do you feel not good enough to be someone they fall madly in love with, instead of the sex on the side? Maybe you should try and find the answers.

Anonymous said...

Although I didn't have more than one at a time, after I was newly single, I longed for sex. Why? Because to me, sex is love. Nobody has ever loved me first. It was always sex first, then "love". I'm 60 years old now and it's still the same, even though I'm married now. Work on yourself, your self-esteem, find something to love about you. Stay away from the sex for a while and find out what is lovable about YOU. I wish you bhe very best.

Emmie {orange + barrel} said...

I agree, have a good time. You only feel guilty because society makes you feel like you are either the Madonna or the whore. Enjoy.