Posted by Anonymous.
Its 11:23 p.m. I've spent all day, and most of the evening preparing for my son's birthday. You joined me at the store only because you seen I had done my hair. God forbid anyone hit on me, right? It's been five years, and I hate you. I utterly detest you. In fact, I hardly doubt I ever had any feelings other than resentment towards you.
You moved into my life swiftly those five years ago: pretending to be some knight in shining armor. You have amounted to nothing more than demonic. I care not for your "mental" problems, your upbringing, or your addictions. Everything that has gone wrong in your life has been someone else's fault- but mainly, mine- even at times where I couldn't have possibly been there and had any saying in your life- the fault has still yet... been mine.
You tell everyone I'm crazy, disturbed, and have various mental problems. You even tell this to my kids. Contrary to your pathetic words, it is YOU that is disturbed and crazy. You stripped me of the polite, kind and caring human being I was once. There is not one part of my life you haven't touched upon and made fun of; even straight down to my personality. It is you, that is crazy.
You live your life pretending you are something more than you really are. The words "mundane and ordinary" cannot and will not describe you. You announced that your coworkers declared you a Saint. It is you, that is crazy.
You spend every ounce of your free time retarding yourself with video games. I used to argue for your attentions. What for? It is you, that is crazy.
I fought a good fight against you, but I surrender. I have no strength left in me to fight your madness. It is you, that is crazy.
I smile, laugh inside even- knowing that in the end, you will be stripped of every ounce of control you have over me. For it is me that is smarter.
You work. You play video games. You insult, you rant, you rave and you unleash hell through this house. It is YOU that is crazy.
And while you're busy doing that, I'm getting set to go- leave the confines you have shackled me in. And it will be YOU that does in fact, go crazy.
You haven't brainwashed me, but I can let you believe you have. Besides, doing so puts a smile on that face of yours I have grown to hate.
I can bite my tongue and stagger away from your unbelievable words. You? You can't. YOU are pathetic and weak, not me.
You believe yourself a non abuser because you have never hit me. The narcissist in you prides yourself on that.
I get to go on- and live my life. You? You get to wallow in your self pity being alone with yourself- trying to find anyone that will play your game.
Your supply has run short. Your cycles bring on adult tantrums. And still yet, I privately laugh at you.
By the time I am done firing back at you, you narcissistic abuser- the house will be empty.
All that will be heard is nothing. You.. you go live with that. I won't have to.
Showing posts with label self-esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-esteem. Show all posts
Friday, November 19, 2010
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
How Did I Get Here?
Posted by Anonymous.
Growing up, success came fairly easily. Mostly 'A' report cards, co-Captain of the Pom Squad, Scholarship to college. Even college continued mostly along that line -- even the bumps in the road could be overcome with a little extra work.
Ever since then it's been downhill. First job after college I left after 2 years because I bombed. The next jobs were ok, so I thought things were getting back on track. Got married, had a child. Started on anti-anxiety meds for stress. Started to get more depressed and anxious. It started to effect my job. Marriage hit a major rough patch. Upped the meds. More struggles at work. Baby number 2 arrived and my depression ballooned into a hideous monster. Started therapy and what became the long process of more and more medication. That was 6 years ago. My job is in trouble, my marriage is in trouble, and my life is a mess.
My dad was a high functioning alcoholic. My mom is the classic "enabler" - sweeping everything under the rug. I'm the classic "Adult Child of an Alcoholic," constantly "people pleasing." I almost wish I were an alcoholic because then I would have a problem that can be solved --You can stop drinking (or taking drugs, or stealing). It's within your control --at least to a point.
With depression like this, there is no control. One minute things are going along Ok --then for the next 10 days you have no energy, stare into space and have no concentration.
I used to have a phenomenal memory. I could keep all sorts of appointments and scheduling in my head. Now I can barely remember things long enough to write them down. I have a pile of "reminders" to go through --many of which have passed the deadline by the time I get to them.
I used to be happy and bouncy. I used to have tons of self confidence. I feel like a shell of what I was.
People say, just focus on being happy. Just focus on getting things done. They don't realize I can't focus -- my brain is set on a loop of negative feedback.
So, how did I get here? How did I go from over-achieving to "holding onto my job by my fingertips?" And is there any way back up out of this pit?
Growing up, success came fairly easily. Mostly 'A' report cards, co-Captain of the Pom Squad, Scholarship to college. Even college continued mostly along that line -- even the bumps in the road could be overcome with a little extra work.
Ever since then it's been downhill. First job after college I left after 2 years because I bombed. The next jobs were ok, so I thought things were getting back on track. Got married, had a child. Started on anti-anxiety meds for stress. Started to get more depressed and anxious. It started to effect my job. Marriage hit a major rough patch. Upped the meds. More struggles at work. Baby number 2 arrived and my depression ballooned into a hideous monster. Started therapy and what became the long process of more and more medication. That was 6 years ago. My job is in trouble, my marriage is in trouble, and my life is a mess.
My dad was a high functioning alcoholic. My mom is the classic "enabler" - sweeping everything under the rug. I'm the classic "Adult Child of an Alcoholic," constantly "people pleasing." I almost wish I were an alcoholic because then I would have a problem that can be solved --You can stop drinking (or taking drugs, or stealing). It's within your control --at least to a point.
With depression like this, there is no control. One minute things are going along Ok --then for the next 10 days you have no energy, stare into space and have no concentration.
I used to have a phenomenal memory. I could keep all sorts of appointments and scheduling in my head. Now I can barely remember things long enough to write them down. I have a pile of "reminders" to go through --many of which have passed the deadline by the time I get to them.
I used to be happy and bouncy. I used to have tons of self confidence. I feel like a shell of what I was.
People say, just focus on being happy. Just focus on getting things done. They don't realize I can't focus -- my brain is set on a loop of negative feedback.
So, how did I get here? How did I go from over-achieving to "holding onto my job by my fingertips?" And is there any way back up out of this pit?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sticks And Stones And Sisters-In-Law
Posted by Anonymous.
I just have to get this off my back because it keeps playing over and over in my head and it is starting to disrupt my happy and carefree lifestyle.
Lets start by coming out with the cold hard facts. My sister in law and I are pretty good friends. She is actually also my supervisor at work. We get along fine generally.
It's hard for me to even type this. She makes fun of my ears.
I am a confident adult woman. I have slightly large features. big brown eyes, full mouth and lips, large nose and large ears. I have always enjoyed my eyes and lips and tried not to think about my nose and ears. I am very sensitive about my nose and fantasize about having it "done". It is the middle of my face though and I have accepted it as my nose. I idolize beautiful actresses with large noses because if they can get past it then I am. (And I am). I was mocked a bit for it in school but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am stronger for it.
My ears... *sigh* My mother always said if I tucked my hair behind my ears they would stick out. I couldn't help it though. My hair was in my eyes and the ears held the hair wonderfully. I have embraced and accepted my ears. There is nothing I can do about them, and I have had them pierced 7x each in a sort of "so there" gesture. Yes they're big but SO WHAT. They're ears. I was never made fun of for them and I don't even think of them besides to hold my hair. No big deal.
Until now.
At first it was kind of, "wow, I never noticed how big (my name's) ears are!" to my partner while I am standing there.
Then:
"WOW look at those ears!"
"Look at (my 2 year old son's name's) ears! I hope you don't have mommy's ears!"
"I just can't think with THOSE EARS!"
"Would you just LOOK AT THOSE EARS!"
Etc, randomly. We could be in the car with my partner or in the house with my mother in law
and out those comments come.
I know she does it for attention but WHY???
Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. If this is how bullied kids feel going to school then I don't blame them for not wanting to go. I want to avoid my sister in law completely. And when we are in the car, like last weekend, and she turned to my partner and says, "OMG HER EARS!" and he turns to me and says, "Hey I didn't say it!" I want to punch him in the mouth for not standing up for me. We have a rocky relationship at best (on my end, he thinks its fine), but the thought of hearing her say that for the rest of my days HONESTLY makes me want to leave him. GONE. I would never have to hear it again.
I don't know what else to do at this point. I have said it bothers me, I have gotten angry. If I bring it up with my partner I know he will blow it off as joking and playing and then not only would I be angry with him I would be hurt to actually hear him say it.
I don't know where else to turn either because it so too embarrassing to even discuss it with my best friend. To me they're just ears until it comes out that they're so big. UGH.
I just have to get this off my back because it keeps playing over and over in my head and it is starting to disrupt my happy and carefree lifestyle.
Lets start by coming out with the cold hard facts. My sister in law and I are pretty good friends. She is actually also my supervisor at work. We get along fine generally.
It's hard for me to even type this. She makes fun of my ears.
I am a confident adult woman. I have slightly large features. big brown eyes, full mouth and lips, large nose and large ears. I have always enjoyed my eyes and lips and tried not to think about my nose and ears. I am very sensitive about my nose and fantasize about having it "done". It is the middle of my face though and I have accepted it as my nose. I idolize beautiful actresses with large noses because if they can get past it then I am. (And I am). I was mocked a bit for it in school but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am stronger for it.
My ears... *sigh* My mother always said if I tucked my hair behind my ears they would stick out. I couldn't help it though. My hair was in my eyes and the ears held the hair wonderfully. I have embraced and accepted my ears. There is nothing I can do about them, and I have had them pierced 7x each in a sort of "so there" gesture. Yes they're big but SO WHAT. They're ears. I was never made fun of for them and I don't even think of them besides to hold my hair. No big deal.
Until now.
At first it was kind of, "wow, I never noticed how big (my name's) ears are!" to my partner while I am standing there.
Then:
"WOW look at those ears!"
"Look at (my 2 year old son's name's) ears! I hope you don't have mommy's ears!"
"I just can't think with THOSE EARS!"
"Would you just LOOK AT THOSE EARS!"
Etc, randomly. We could be in the car with my partner or in the house with my mother in law
and out those comments come.
I know she does it for attention but WHY???
Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. If this is how bullied kids feel going to school then I don't blame them for not wanting to go. I want to avoid my sister in law completely. And when we are in the car, like last weekend, and she turned to my partner and says, "OMG HER EARS!" and he turns to me and says, "Hey I didn't say it!" I want to punch him in the mouth for not standing up for me. We have a rocky relationship at best (on my end, he thinks its fine), but the thought of hearing her say that for the rest of my days HONESTLY makes me want to leave him. GONE. I would never have to hear it again.
I don't know what else to do at this point. I have said it bothers me, I have gotten angry. If I bring it up with my partner I know he will blow it off as joking and playing and then not only would I be angry with him I would be hurt to actually hear him say it.
I don't know where else to turn either because it so too embarrassing to even discuss it with my best friend. To me they're just ears until it comes out that they're so big. UGH.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Don't You Want Me?
Posted by Anonymous.
To my husband:
I never imagined that this would happen. I never imagined that I would be in a marriage where I wanted sex more than my husband. I never imagined that YOU would lose interest in sex, considering how insatiable you were before we got married. But when we got married, it was like a switch got flipped inside you, and everything suddenly changed. The sex on our honeymoon was awkward and flat. I attributed it to being tired, but to be honest I was filled with fear because something just didn't feel right. I actually wondered if I had just made a big mistake. For the first few months, we had sex 2 or 3 times a week at the most - which is find I suppose, but hardly the sex-fest that many newlyweds experience. Pretty quickly it turned into 3 to 4 times a month. For the last year it has been more like one time a month, sometimes not at all. Do you have any idea how humiliating it feels to know that in less than two years of marriage, my husband already doesn't want to have sex with me? You have recognized that this is not good, but you don't seem particularly eager to try to make it better.
You seem to attribute at least some of this problem to your promiscuity prior to our relationship. You say that sex has become completely detached from love in your mind, and that you can never see sex as something good and wholesome. And so I guess since sex between us is perfectly legitimate now, it has lost interest for you? If that is the case - shouldn't you get counseling or something to help you overcome that? Because it's obviously unhealthy. Maybe counseling won't help, but it would make me feel a little better if you would at least try! It really hurts to think that I have to pay now for the sins of your past.
But I am worried that this is not the whole story. At first I worried that there was a medical component. Lack of sex drive in a man can be a symptom for serious health problems. Well, you've been to a doctor, and both you and the doctor seem satisfied. But I'm not satisfied. I am not even convinced you actually talked to the doctor about it. I am hurt and I am filled with fear and insecurity.
When I brought this up the other night, you told me that you think do about our nonexistent sex-life too, but that you don't know how many of your thoughts to share with me because you are afraid they will hurt me. I told you not to tell me unless it would help the situation. You remained silent. And so now I am both maddeningly curious and yet terrified of what sort of thoughts you have been having. I am afraid that you are going to cheat on me. I am afraid that you haven't really lost interest in sex at all, but that you have just lost interest in it with me. I've even wondered if you are gay.
My self-esteem has always been fragile and broken. Imagine the constant and very tangible sense of rejection that I feel now! I used to try to initiate sex, but after being refused several times I can't do that anymore because its hurts too much. So now, every night I just have to hope that you will want to be intimate with me, and every night I fall asleep sad, our backs turned to each other.
I hate, absolutely loathe my body, partly because I am convinced that you are disgusted by me. Intellectually, I know this is bullshit. I recognize that I am about 15 pounds overweight, and that when we got engaged I was much more fit. I know that I should lose some weight and get healthier - these are reasonable things that I admit. But I don't look THAT bad. If your sexual attraction to me was so easily lost, then you are one superficial sonofabitch. For heaven's sake, I still desire you despite your physical flaws! And even if my body was perfect now, age would eventually take that away, so what then? My guilt and self-loathing is made worse by the behavior I resort to to deal with being sex-deprived. I indulge in sexual fantasies - never involving you - and maturbate just to relieve the tension. But then I am left feeling digusted and humiliated. My self-esteem is completely shattered. I won't even let you see me naked anymore, not without some kind of covering and a whole lot of shame. I doubt you have even noticed, or even care.
This has all been hurtful enough as it is, but last night it got worse than I thought. Last night, you admitted that you have no desire to have kids with me. You said you might want to adopt someday, but that the thought of actually having kids holds no attraction for you. Oh yeah? Since fucking when?! When I was obviously shaken by your admission, you backpeddled and said you probably wouldn't feel this way forever. Probably? You are fucking 32 years old, just when do you PROBABLY think this desire will come back? You never gave me one inkling of this when we were dating and engaged. I was always under the impression that you most definitely did want kids with me. You have given me that impression in a hundred different conversations. So what changed?
I am starting to despair, wondering how to come to terms with the scary possibility that I am stuck in a sexless, childless marriage.
The crazy thing is, in every other way, our marriage is amazing. We talk and laugh, we share the same convictions and beliefs, we enjoy each other's company, we are affectionate and comforting to each other. I love you so much, and I miss you when you are not around! But for months I have had this constant sadness and fear pressing on my heart, and I wonder how long I can live with it? Will the sadness eventually go away, or will it grow until it devours our marriage? Part of me thinks I am over-reacting, that I just need to give it time. But what if nothing changes? What if it can't be fixed? I don't want to wait until it is too late. Aren't men supposed to want sex all the time? Why do I feel like I am the one with the problem, like I am some kind of sex-obsessed slut for actually wanting to have sex with you? Should I just be able to get over this and move on?
I feel so ridiculous and alone.
To my husband:
I never imagined that this would happen. I never imagined that I would be in a marriage where I wanted sex more than my husband. I never imagined that YOU would lose interest in sex, considering how insatiable you were before we got married. But when we got married, it was like a switch got flipped inside you, and everything suddenly changed. The sex on our honeymoon was awkward and flat. I attributed it to being tired, but to be honest I was filled with fear because something just didn't feel right. I actually wondered if I had just made a big mistake. For the first few months, we had sex 2 or 3 times a week at the most - which is find I suppose, but hardly the sex-fest that many newlyweds experience. Pretty quickly it turned into 3 to 4 times a month. For the last year it has been more like one time a month, sometimes not at all. Do you have any idea how humiliating it feels to know that in less than two years of marriage, my husband already doesn't want to have sex with me? You have recognized that this is not good, but you don't seem particularly eager to try to make it better.
You seem to attribute at least some of this problem to your promiscuity prior to our relationship. You say that sex has become completely detached from love in your mind, and that you can never see sex as something good and wholesome. And so I guess since sex between us is perfectly legitimate now, it has lost interest for you? If that is the case - shouldn't you get counseling or something to help you overcome that? Because it's obviously unhealthy. Maybe counseling won't help, but it would make me feel a little better if you would at least try! It really hurts to think that I have to pay now for the sins of your past.
But I am worried that this is not the whole story. At first I worried that there was a medical component. Lack of sex drive in a man can be a symptom for serious health problems. Well, you've been to a doctor, and both you and the doctor seem satisfied. But I'm not satisfied. I am not even convinced you actually talked to the doctor about it. I am hurt and I am filled with fear and insecurity.
When I brought this up the other night, you told me that you think do about our nonexistent sex-life too, but that you don't know how many of your thoughts to share with me because you are afraid they will hurt me. I told you not to tell me unless it would help the situation. You remained silent. And so now I am both maddeningly curious and yet terrified of what sort of thoughts you have been having. I am afraid that you are going to cheat on me. I am afraid that you haven't really lost interest in sex at all, but that you have just lost interest in it with me. I've even wondered if you are gay.
My self-esteem has always been fragile and broken. Imagine the constant and very tangible sense of rejection that I feel now! I used to try to initiate sex, but after being refused several times I can't do that anymore because its hurts too much. So now, every night I just have to hope that you will want to be intimate with me, and every night I fall asleep sad, our backs turned to each other.
I hate, absolutely loathe my body, partly because I am convinced that you are disgusted by me. Intellectually, I know this is bullshit. I recognize that I am about 15 pounds overweight, and that when we got engaged I was much more fit. I know that I should lose some weight and get healthier - these are reasonable things that I admit. But I don't look THAT bad. If your sexual attraction to me was so easily lost, then you are one superficial sonofabitch. For heaven's sake, I still desire you despite your physical flaws! And even if my body was perfect now, age would eventually take that away, so what then? My guilt and self-loathing is made worse by the behavior I resort to to deal with being sex-deprived. I indulge in sexual fantasies - never involving you - and maturbate just to relieve the tension. But then I am left feeling digusted and humiliated. My self-esteem is completely shattered. I won't even let you see me naked anymore, not without some kind of covering and a whole lot of shame. I doubt you have even noticed, or even care.
This has all been hurtful enough as it is, but last night it got worse than I thought. Last night, you admitted that you have no desire to have kids with me. You said you might want to adopt someday, but that the thought of actually having kids holds no attraction for you. Oh yeah? Since fucking when?! When I was obviously shaken by your admission, you backpeddled and said you probably wouldn't feel this way forever. Probably? You are fucking 32 years old, just when do you PROBABLY think this desire will come back? You never gave me one inkling of this when we were dating and engaged. I was always under the impression that you most definitely did want kids with me. You have given me that impression in a hundred different conversations. So what changed?
I am starting to despair, wondering how to come to terms with the scary possibility that I am stuck in a sexless, childless marriage.
The crazy thing is, in every other way, our marriage is amazing. We talk and laugh, we share the same convictions and beliefs, we enjoy each other's company, we are affectionate and comforting to each other. I love you so much, and I miss you when you are not around! But for months I have had this constant sadness and fear pressing on my heart, and I wonder how long I can live with it? Will the sadness eventually go away, or will it grow until it devours our marriage? Part of me thinks I am over-reacting, that I just need to give it time. But what if nothing changes? What if it can't be fixed? I don't want to wait until it is too late. Aren't men supposed to want sex all the time? Why do I feel like I am the one with the problem, like I am some kind of sex-obsessed slut for actually wanting to have sex with you? Should I just be able to get over this and move on?
I feel so ridiculous and alone.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Can't Say No
Posted By Anonymous
I am not a whore.
I don't get paid.
What I am is 30, newly single and unable to say no to anyone. I have a man that I've been dating non-exclusively who is falling harder all the time and I could see myself falling madly in love with him, as well. I also have my Monday night date that entails sex and some general chatter afterwards. I have my 23 year old who I'll spend hours and days in bed having mind-blowing sex. I have my military boy that comes home on occasion for dinner and a blow-job. I have the one who wants it bad, but I just haven't found the time. I have the girls who are vying for our first dates and I'm desperately trying to fit them in, as well. And not one of them knows about the others.
I don't understand this part of me. It's been like this since I was a teenager. When I am with someone in an exclusive relationship, I'm loyal-- fiercely loyal to the point of not even thinking about anyone else. When it's just me? I want as much as I can get, as often as I can, I want to sample everything. It feels almost dirty. Something shameful I have to hide from my friends and family. I want to say it's because I'm a sex-positive female who's in charge of her own sexuality.
In reality, I think it's low self-esteem and self-loathing.
I could care less about the talking to them afterwards or maintaining any sort of connection to them later. Better that I don't get attached. That hot boy isn't going to love me, he's just going to want what I can give him better than anyone else has. And so I want to keep giving it to him. Maybe someday he'll want more or realize how good he has it with me. Most likely he'll move on to someone prettier, someone smarter, someone skinnier, someone lovable.
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