Posted by Anonymous.
So I might have to warn some of the mothers who read this....you might not want to and I'm sure that what I am about to say might offend some people but I don't know where else to say what I need to say.
I know a dozen or more people who got pregnant out of wedlock and yes I'm going to be judgmental and say that bothers me. Several of these people say its because they "could not afford birth control" well the last time I checked a box of condoms for about 3 was about $4 maybe even less than that. Oh and planned parenthood will give them to you for free!!! You can also get the pill for a 90 day supply at some drug stores for $10....wow that must be so expensive. But yet these same people can afford $1,000 a month town houses and the latest video game systems.....but who cares about trying to prevent pregnancy.
Did you ever think they considered how much a kid would cost? Probably not, I mean what could a little unprotected sex hurt, right?!?!?
My parents have also never been fans of unprotected pregnancy but they are also pro-life.....I know if I ever got pregnant out of wedlock I would quietly take care of the problem and never tell them. That's my own choice and I don't want to get into that, different topic and too many opinions there. But just today my mom informed me that a family friend who is 23, still in college, working an unpaid internship and has no medical insurance is guess what, pregnant. This is her bosses daughter, who I used to be very close with, almost like sisters. I was angry when my mom told me because I know that this girl is smarter than that, but her parents are excited for her and so is my mother. Her and the father will be living with her parents and I can almost guarantee they will take care of the baby, since she and baby daddy are still in college and jobless.
My mother, the person who would throw me out on the street if I EVER told her that I was knocked up - she is excited for this girl. I just wanted to scream.....I just cannot fathom how people think this is okay....maybe I am too old fashioned but I am also careful. In my life I have had 2 pregnancy scares and in one case took the Plan B pill just to be safe. I have been on the pill since I was 14 and I wasn't even sexually active then.
I'm tired of pretending to feel sorry for them when I know how easy it is to not get yourself into that situation. I know for some people things work out but for most they don't. Its much easier for one of the parents to get out of the situation when there is no legal marriage. Not planning for things almost always means there is little to no money to help raise that child either, so there goes my tax dollars into their WICK and Welfare checks.
I don't plan on attending her shower or calling her to tell her a fake "congratulations." I can't keep letting myself feel sorry for people like that. I cannot fathom how a person could be excited to be in that situation. My mother tells me not to pass judgment but that girl is not her daughter and if the tables were turned I'd be living in a homeless shelter. I've watched many of my cousins do the same thing, I've seen them fight for child support, work dead end jobs and one of them even had her 4 children put into foster care.
I don't know if its wrong or what to feel like this but it just makes me sick inside. I just hope and pray it never happens to me but if it ever does I know what to do and I know what would be right in my heart. Maybe there is something wrong with the way that I feel but I do know how else I am supposed to feel. How can I react to situations like this without feeling the way that I do.
Signed,
Too many babies and shot gun weddings
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57 comments:
Catharine, I love you. And I completely disagree with you.
I was 22 and unwed when I got pregnant. And I was on three forms of birth control.
I didn't care if anyone was excited for me or not. I was excited, but I was also scared to freaking death. More the later, to be honest. I had already ended one (also prevented) pregnancy, and I just couldn't do it again.
My 22 year old whoops turned out to be the single greatest thing to ever happen to me. His father and I married when he was 5 months old and after 10 really really hard years of marriage, we're still here and we're awesome.
I totally understand what you're saying. I would never, EVER glamourize my own situation. It infuriates me that it seems ro be so "trendy" to have babies young and out of wedlock. If I could have chosen, I would have been married for a long time first. I just wasn't given that choice. If any young girl asked me my opinion, I'd stamp WAIT on their forehead.
My point is this: There may be extenuating circumstances that the average joe blow can't see from the surface. There sure was with me. I did everything in my power to NOT get pregnant, and pregnant got me anyway.
And I'm really happy it did.
(Said with a huge slice of love, btw)
What about couples who are fully committed and self sufficient who don't want to get married but have children?
Is your problem unwed mothers, or mothers who don't think about the actual realities of having a child and who can't afford it?
Seems like two separate things to me, since there are plenty of married couples who have kids that can't afford them.
I can understand being angry that your mom is so excited for her boss' daughter, especially since they would kick you out if the situation was reversed.
I have a problem with people having kid after kid and not being able to support those kids, and with people who live outside their means. But I have no moral issue with wed/unwed moms.
Also - I agree that it's stupid that being a young mom is trendy. I wish they would teach girls just how much work goes in to having an actual child so that kids wouldn't think it was "cool" to go through with unplanned pregnancies just for trend's sake.
I have to agree that it gets annoying when people live beyond their means and keep having kids. Its really nuts that girls think that a baby is a fashion statement and that being pregnant will get them all kinds of attention. Its sad that your mother would not feel the same way if it was you that was pregnant (and I'm assuming its bc you're not married), but you could never really know what she would do unless it did happen to you.
Mr Lady - Not my post! (Forgot to add the 'posted by anonymous' tag!)
Catharine,
I forgot to look at which blog I was reading.
Still, slice of love.
OP~~ You said "I just hope and pray it never happens to me but if it ever does I know what to do and I know what would be right in my heart"
Maybe the people you seem so judgmental of think the exact same way. Just because their decision is not the same as yours does not make it wrong.
As with all generalizations, you're lumping all out of wedlock pregnancies together, which is unfortunate. I was on the pill when I got pregnant at 32 with my boyfriend of over a year's child. When I told the OB that I couldn't possibly be pregnant her answer was, "Well, only celibacy is 100% reliable. These things happen."
I was terrified and wished I was married before I got pregnant, but I went ahead with it. And thank God I did, because my daughter (and later son) are the lights of my life and the thought of my life without them is bleak.
I ended up marrying, and later divorcing, their father. We tried, but you can't base a marriage on the fact that you have kids together if you have nothing else bonding you.
It seems like your issue is with the fact that some people don't seem to treat pregnancy as the huge, life altering deal it is, and instead it's become trendy and chic in some circles. Believe me, though, plenty of married people have kids who shouldn't, too.
And, in all honesty, I am a little offended and I agree with your mother that you shouldn't pass judgment. After all, aren't you implying that you'd get an abortion if you accidentally got pregnant? There are an enormous number of people who would judge you harshly on that, and I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it.
I was 20 and in university when I found out I was pregnant. All the birth control in the world didn't prevent that little surprise. I was on the pill and we used condoms and guess what? My daughter was conceived.I don't know how it happened but I'm damn sure glad it did.
I didn't rush into marriage with her father either. We had the baby, and then we had another ... a year later...which made me 21 if you are keeping score, before we decided we were ready for marriage.
Perhaps to you that is still a shotgun marriage. The reality is, it was a carefully examined decision.
At 20 and 21 with two babies, I never lived with my parents or my husband's parents. We scraped and saved and lived on our own like ADULTS who are capable of making ADULT choices.
I finished my first university degree while gestating and raising babies and went on to get a second degree.
I worked part time and my husband busted his butt to provide for us. All of that helped get us to where we are today.
It wasn't always easy but it certainly could have been easier if people like you had just opened your minds a little more and stopped being so judgmental.
What is right for one person may not be right for another.
Although I feel your frustration about your frustrations, I'd caution you to beware of sweeping generalizations, lest you get swept up in someone else's about you.
Are people making crappy decisions about parenting? Yes. All over the place? Is it your place to tell them they're wrong? In my opinion, only if the health and welfare of the child/children are compromised and with strong evidence to that fact.
In this case, it's fine to disagree with your friend's life choice. Trust me, it won't be the first time someone you love will make what you deem to be a bad decision.
If I were in your friend's shoes, I would be looking for love and support, even if it is an "I don't agree with what you're doing, but I still love you."
Good luck.
I think I understand what the OP is trying to say. The people that are just simply too stupid and naive, that are skipping birth control entirely, and having children without understanding the true consequences of their actions... those are the people that I have a problem with. Perhaps they think it's trendy to be pregnant... Lord knows that the tabloids make such a big fat deal over celeb's babies, the more impressionable among us will think it's the 'cool' thing to do. Or perhaps they are trying to milk the system for all it's worth. Either way, they don't understand the true significance of having a child, are ignorant of the responsibility, and have no care for how their child will be affected. Those of you that have become pregnant by accident but do not continue forward blindly and without consideration for the child's future; you aren't part of this epidemic of careless procreation. It is the people that just blunder on, never learning or understanding that they are PARENTS now, that make the lives of their children absolutely miserable as a result... these people make the argument for enforced birth control/sterilization all the more feasible.
Anon 1:06
I see your point, but I can assure you that 11 years ago, I was exactly the person being talked about here. I was a waitress, I had no insurance, no career, no college and I was just learning to love my boyfriend.
On the surface, I'd have looked like the poster child for welfare, etc. The fact is that I refused every dollar of welfare that was literally shoved in my face. The fact was that my husband (now) and I made damn good and sure that child was taken care of, at our own expense. As in, we went without dinner a hell of a lot so that he had diapers.
We had no idea what we'd have to do, what we'd make sure happened, when I got pregnant. We were too young to know any better. But when that baby showed up on the sonogram, we stepped up. It just happened. We didn't know it would happen, no one though it would. Hell, my family started a pool at my wedding for how long our "shotgun" marriage would last. None of them knew we'd decided to marry before we got pregnant, and we didn't feel the need to correct them.
I don't want to come off as offended by this post, because I'm not. There's a good point in here. I just want to make the point that there is sometimes more than meets the eye.
Sometimes, life just gets in the way of the plans people make. I am currently pregnant (yes, I'm married and finacially secure) and was faithfully taking birth control and had been for 8 years.
I have a cousin who was born when his mother was 15. The family made the best of it and now he is the most wonderful, contributing member of our family.
Life deals you some hard blows sometimes that simply aren't what you set out for.
I believe, sometimes, its best to not judge other people and all them the space and love to make good on their life.
Is your problem unwed mothers who have no money? What if they were wealthy? How about married couples on welfare? Are only the wealthy allowed to breed?
Because there are some anecdotal responses by some amazing women here about how they and their partners stepped up upon discovery of pregnancy, I feel like I need to balance it with an anecdote of my own.
My sister terminated 3 pregnancies as a teen before finally going through with having my nephew when she was 20. We all hoped that she would step up and change her alcoholic ways. Sadly, her boyfriend left, she continued to be an alcoholic (thankfully quitting long enough to ensure that my nephew was born without FAS), and my poor nephew has been jerked from unstable situation to unstable situation for the last 7 years. It's a pretty classic scare story, but it's real.
So, not to say that it's never the fact that people can turn themselves around and make having a baby the best decision they've ever made, but sometimes they can't, and sometimes it's not. And it's the baby who suffers. It's a hard thing to be realistic about, though, when faced with the excitement of new pregnancy. Heaps of respect to those of you who made it work.
Heels, my sister in law has a similar story. She and her childhood best friend both got pregnant at 20. She did the best she could, she made a few bad choices along the way, but my nephew is, today, the finest 17 year old I've ever know. Her best friend, same street, same background, same addictions, same everything, is still to this day in and out of prison, methed out of her goard, and her son has, well, not one life skill. I think he's in Juvi right now.
You are totally right...it's the individual. Every single person has to carve their own path, and it's a tragedy when a child becomes victim of the wrong choice.
I am the anonymous OP: To answer a few of the questions I noticed...
1) I don't think only the wealthy can breed I just feel that its not fair that some people seem to have kids so they can suck off the system. But that may well be a whole other rant.
2)I do think that girls these days feel its "trendy" to have a baby and that really bothers me.
3) I know that it may have been wrong that I mentioned abortion and my choices about it, but I just felt it needed to be said.
4) Many of the people I know who have been through this make it seem like they want people to feel sorry for their situation. They seem to want them to run out and buy the baby things, have extravagant showers and live on welfare but to me that's just not fair to the child.
5) I know there are people that make it work, several of my family members have, but not everyone does. This is another life we are talking about here, not a stylish designer handbag...like some girls seem to think it is.
I hope you keep your opinions to yourself and don't let your "friend" know that you think she is SO stupid for having a baby young. It's not your uterus, so it's really none of your business how she became pregnant, how old she is or how much money she has.
I'm sure you've heard the saying "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans." Nobody is perfect, and most of us are just trying to do the best we can--without telling everybody else what a bad job they're doing with their life.
I had my son at 17, so I've spent almost half of my life being judged by people like you. (Admittedly, it's made me a little touchy on this subject.) Until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes, yada yada yada.
You have a lot of life lessons coming your way as you grow. I hope they are kinder to you than you have been to your "friend".
I think that it's incredibly easy to pass judgement on others when you've not been in the situation yourself. And I think that your sweeping generalizations about unwed parents is slightly offensive from someone who hasn't actually had to go through any of this.
Is it cool to glamorize pregnancy without making mention of how hard it is to raise children (with OR without a partner)? Absolutely not.
But at the same time, while you may see unplanned/unwed pregnancies being celebrated by others, how do you know what goes on behind closed doors? How can you possibly know what it's like to make that decision and deal with the consequences?
When I had my son, it was almost as though people didn't want me to behave as though I might be excited for his arrival, however planned he was not. While it certainly wasn't the way I'd expected things to turn out, the decision I reached was a painful and difficult one, and not one I had to share with every Tom, Dick and (judgmental) Harry on the street.
Why not celebrate the new life, no matter how hard things will invariably be? And what's more, why should people who are pregnant by accident walk around apologizing to random people about it?
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing I would have wanted in this situation is sympathy if I were your friend. And you're right, having a baby is not glamorous and it's absolutely not a trendy accessory.
Very interesting perspective.
From the OP to Anonymous at 2:44pm: I don't want it to seem that all I am trying to do here is make "sweeping generalizations." I realize that its not my body or my decision, but I also don't think that people realize sometimes that this is a human we are talking about. I guess to me if I was going to bring a life into this world I would want it to have the greatest life....and maybe things will work out for her (that is what I am hoping for).
Its just hard when all you hear about in the media is how "glamorous" being pregnant is and how its so trend to have a baby to carry around. I think that people need to stop and really take into consideration what it all really means.
Like I said before, I know that people can make it work, but the same part of me knows that some people cannot and its the child that has to suffer in that situation.
I'm sorry to have offended you so much.
I got knocked up after a New Years hook-up. I'm a single mother. I live with my parents.
Things aren't always what they seem.
I had been seeing a guy on and off for a little over two years. I 'fell' pregnant while we were both nursing our New Year's hangovers and commiserating over chinese food and a Kill Bill marathon. Having already had an abortion and it was the right thing to do at that time 100%, I decided that the most important thing from the moment I looked at that blasted plus sign was the baby. No matter how frighteneed I was, no matter how alone I felt, I was making the right choice. Now she's almost six months old.
Her father and I love each other very much. We're both focusing on our daughter and our careers. WE spend quality time together as a family several times a week.
I live with my parents because they need me. My mother lost her job. I have to younger brothers 13 and 15, I will not let my family lose their home. I pay a fair portion of the bills and as soon as my family is back on their feet my daughter and I will be moving out.
From the outside looking in it looks like some girl got knocked up by some random dude and lives at home while freeloading off her folks.
When people are judgemental they kind of miss the most important parts of the story.
I think I understand the point you are trying to make, but I sincerely hope that if you ever have a daughter who finds herself in this situation, that you will react with compassion rather than judgment.
I have worked with many young, drug-addicted women who were on welfare and having babies. It is definitely not an ideal situation for anybody involved, but, most of the time, their reasons for having these babies are MUCH more complicated than wanting people to feel sorry for them or wanting things bought for them.
I'm not trying to say that you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but maybe you should keep in mind that everything is not black or white. People are many shades of gray.
I have a question: Do you know that she got pregnant because she had unprotected sex? Or are you just assuming? Because accidents happen.
While I don't like the fact that babies are born to babies all the time once a girl is pregnant she's pregnant. If she decides to keep the baby then I really do think happiness and joy should surround her and support her.
I think the best thing people can do for a woman with an unplanned pregnancy is to be supportive. She's going to be a Mother and that is a wonderful thing. I feel bad for you that you feel your mother would throw you out on the street because I'm sure you would need her more than anything at that moment.
So, while her actions may not be the same choices you would have made perhaps you can be happy for her. Or try. Or at the very least, don't tell her how you feel. She's got enough going on.
Lastly, you say "if I ever got pregnant out of wedlock I would quietly take care of the problem..." Wow. Not everyone thinks of a baby growing inside of them as a "problem." Some people think of it as a blessing. Sometimes an unplanned blessing but nevertheless a blessing.
Isn't this supposed to be a safe place to blow off steam?
I don't share the same values as many of the people who post on this site. I would have stopped reading this blog a long time ago, if I did.
Give the girl a break.
Oh, I was not married when I got pregnant in my early 20s. The baby daddy & I are still together and we have a beautiful 16 year old daughter.
I get what you are is saying. I have worked in a Planned Parenthood and have seen scores of young women come through. I understand the frustration of seeing someone in a bad situation for bad reasons continue making bad decisions. It's hard.
It's hard knowing a pregnant homeless cocaine addict has chosen not to go through with having an abortion, despite having two children taken from her already, solely because she now knows that she's having twins.
It's hard seeing 15-16 year olds come in week after week for pregnancy tests, hoping each time for a positive result.
It's hard - but it's *rare*.
Yes there are unfortunately women who get caught up in the romantic nature of motherhood and babies, forgetting the real work and effort involved. Sometimes these women are without supports and bad things happen, other times there are family members to pick up the slack.
BUT
By *far* the majority of women who have unplanned pregnancies were taking precautions (the pill, condoms, etc). The attitude that you fear is not that common, not that I've seen anyway.
Take heart and try to keep an open mind. Lots of women (as evidenced above) start out in difficult places and end up becoming fantastic parents.
It's great that you're being responsible in your relationships. Just remember, the pill is 98-99% effective when used perfectly and someone has to be that 1-2%... and you'd probably be surprised at how many things can muck up the pill.
As to how to handle the situations? Try keeping an open mind. Think about how you'd feel if you *were* in that person's shoes, even if you think you never would be. Try not to let the potential hypocrisy of your mother's behaviour taint the relationships you might have with these women. Your family friend may be getting excitement from the older mothers now, but she may also get a lot of pressure and we-know-best's from them once the baby is born too. Combined with the fear and inadequacies many new mothers feel, she may need your friendship more than ever.
Everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel. But you don't know the backstories of all these different girls. I was 21 when I got pregnant with my daughter. Her father and I had just started dating, we were drunk and the "condoms were too far away". Once I found out I was pregnant, never once did I waiver on my decision to keep her. I lived with my parents for a few years to save money, her father has never seen her, and me and my daughter (almost 8 now) live together in a house I bought. While I feel 21 is young to have a kid, if not for her, I have no idea what would have happened to me. My daughter saved me from abusing alcohol and drugs. There are two sides to every story. But my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me.
I too think out of wedlock mothers are a big problem in our society. I also think it's horrible that people can kill babies inside them for any reason. I makes me sad that you would kill the life inside your body. There are other options.
To the OP from Anonymous 2:44,
I'm sorry that I jumped on you like that. It was a knee-jerk reaction on my part, and I wish I had been as thoughtful and eloquent as the posters before and after me. Years of "helpful" comments and being talked about behind my back has made me quite defensive. You are entitled to your own opinion, and this is supposed to be a place where you can voice it.
But please, read the rest of these comments and try to see that not everyone who has a baby under not-ideal circumstances is doing it because they want gifts, or sympathy, or a fashionable accessory.
I have been with my partner 26 years, we have two children now 21 and 18. One at university and the other about to go off to university. My partner has a good career and I have been a stay at home mum/artist.
We have a very happy life together.
Oh and guess what?.............shock horror.....we're not married!
It's naive to lump all unmarried parents into the same box.
While I do not agree with everything the OP has written, one part strikes a huge chord inside of me. I hate, HATE, having my money taken to subsides other people's bad decisions.
Now before people jump all over me for being uncaring or unfeeling, let me explain. My husband is a part-time student and works full time. I stay at home with our kids. We knew it would be tight financially with the decisions we made, but we planned for it and did it. Even though we qualify for government assistance (and boy-howdy do we qualify) we don't take it because OTHERS SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR OUR DECISIONS.
That being said, our property tax have risen because of the rising welfare needs in our state. 18% of our taxes go to welfare. For us that works out to about $1000 a year that we pay for other people's bad decisions. That might now seem like alot, but that's our hard earned money that cannot be spent on our family.
I am surrounded by people who see no problem in having a kid without being able to support that kid, because the "government" will help them. Heads up people, the government doesn't have any money, they use ours. (And if you don't believe me when I say "surrounded", let me tell you I know at least 25 women right now who are pregnant and did so deliberately because of government assistance.)
You know, you're making so many judgements that have no basis in fact,
I will admit to having a personal reason for my feelings. I was 18 when I had me eldest. It was hard. I WAS young and didn't know what I was in for but that doesn't equate to a negative outcome for my child or for my life. I am happily married with four beautiful children now. I got a university degree while raising two of my children.
My children are (quite frankly) awesome and I have done a great job of raising them so far, I have to say. I am a great mother and I was that at eighteen. My baby was wanted and loved and I coped better with my duties as a mother than many older "prepared" mothers I have met. Age and marital status is no guarantee of superior parenting or life skills.
As for your 'friend' (and I use that term loosely because if she were truly your friend I suspect you'd be a bit less judgy and bitter)needs all the support she can get. The fact is there WILL be a child. She WILL have to do this motherhood thing and people abandoning her to take the moral high-ground does not improve the situation one bit.
I've been reading The Basement for a while, but this is the first time I've commented.
I'm eighteen, and I have a three month old son. I'm (shock horror!) not married, although I do live with my partner in a committed relationship. Our son was conceived by accident, three months into the relationship, and while I was on the Pill. You talk about "quietly taking care of the problem": since when is a child conceived out of wedlock an automatic "problem"? (By the way, I'm pro-choice). My son is beautiful and loved: does it matter if his parents have a piece of paper saying we've officially committed to each other? We didn't go through with the pregnancy to get welfare (benefits over here) or because it was what everyone else does, we did it because we felt it was the right thing to do. Yes, money's tight, and we can't afford everything we want, but which person with kids can?
It was incredibly difficult telling people about the pregnancy. You want people to be happy for you and congratulate you, but everyone has some kind of opinion on the "mistake". Well, my son was the best mistake I've ever made.
Perhaps you should think about why you feel the way you do, and in the meantime, try and congratulate your "friend", and stop tarring us all with the same brush. We're not all addicts/alcoholics/on welfare.
From OP to Anonymous at 5:03am - I could not agree with you more!!! When I was living on my own and struggling I qualified for Food Stamps but refused them because it made me feel guilty. It is sad that we have to pay the way for everyone else, I think that is the one thing that is wrong with America these days!
This post is making me too angry to be polite, so I'll keep it short. I think there is far greater value in not judging people and subsidizing a healthy community for those who are in the most need than saving my hard earned tax dollars or property taxes and coming off as a judgemental jerk.
Here's some advice: don't go to the baby showers, don't pretend to be her friend...you are not her friend. You are just one more holier than thou person judging her. Do her a favor and leave her alone.
Ugh.
I know a lot of people (including my own sister) who waited to have babies, planned them, married and are AWFUL parents. I mean not just a little bit rubbish, but truly awful parents.
Age is not a good indicator of somebody's ability to mother, neither is their economic status. I'm a single mother on benefits (welfare to you guys) but I'm also doing a degree to become a teacher in the hours I'm not taking care of my son. Me? I can honestly say I'm a good mother. I'm not a perfect mother but I can happily say I'm a damn sight better than a lot of older, richer, married couples are.
You say you'd terminate a pregnancy if you ever had an 'accident'. You can say that, but until you have a baby in your belly you can't honestly know how you would react. And I'm not anti-abortion, I'm not saying your views are wrong... but having a baby in your stomach, from the very first second just changes the way your brain works. It isn't that easy -- and the ramifications last a life time.
I'm not saying that your views are wrong, but to be honest, she's 23, she's not a baby she's a woman. 12 year olds having kids is an issue. She's a grown up and to be honest you sound a little immature.
You say you wouldn't take food stamps -- there's nothing to gain by pride. Be grateful you live in a society that reaches out and helps people. Be thankful that you live in a society that is tolerant and allows freedom of choice.
There's a lot more to life than judging other people. Live your own life and make your own decisions, let other people worry about their own lives.
From OP: Is this not a place where people can come to vent their feelings? I guess I should have expected to only get ridiculed for feeling the way that I do.
I think what the poster objects to is the fact that people are "choosing" (by not taking the appropriate precautions)to have children when they are young and unmarried and do not know the first thing about raising a child. I agree with some of the previous that it depends on the individual. Some women at 18 have babies and are great mothers that raise their children right.
But others aren't mature enough to raise a baby and it is the baby that suffers. I think that it is THOSE people that the poster has a problem with.
Wow, so incredibly judgemental... I don't even know what to say! Just know that not ALL people who have "babies out of wedlock" are terrible-good-for-nothing-without-health-insurance type of people.
This is the first time I've read this blog and I just had to comment. I was 22 and unwed when I found out I was pregnant. I was on the pill and it didn't work. My boyfriend and I were already planning to get married (and now we have been for 6 years). Not everyone is in this same situation or is responsible enough to make a good home for a child, but just because, at this moment, your friend seems as if she can't do it, this doesn't mean she won't figure it out.
I'm really tired of the idea that things have to be just so to bring a child into the world. It happens all the time. I'm not saying that if you were to accidentally get pregnant that you should have the child. But the point is that people have CHOICES. Which means they can choose something other than what you would do.
Many of my so called friends ditched me when because I refused to have an abortion. That was much more painful than pregnancy, childbirth, or living off a minimal salary the first year of my daughter's life. And also, there are plenty of people who plan children that live off of WIC and Welfare. My opinion is that children should not be punished for their parents' decision, if it all possible. This means, let 'em eat even if mom and dad can't scrape enough together to buy it all.
And it sounds to me as if a lot of your judgement of this woman comes from your own issues with your mother. Have you ever actually sat down and talked to your mother about her opinions on this subject? Perhaps she's more flexible than you give her credit for. Or perhaps not. But it doesn't hurt to just talk to her.
I would really encourage you to attend this woman's shower and to be there as much as you can, even if that is very little. I speak from experience in saying that being pregnant (no matter what your age) is when you need your friends the most. To have them ditch is incredibly painful. And most of all, don't share your opinion of her situation with her. You will just hurt her more.
It sounds to me that this poster may be more upset by the way her mother is reacting to this girl's pregnancy when her mom might have been very judgmental in the past. That in itself would gall me and I can undestand why it does the poster. And it can also be irritating when someone does something that appears irresponsible and yet gets a pat on the back for it anyway.
All I can say to the poster is that when this girl is out of her mind because she can't go out and have fun due to the baby at home, you can be living your life and enjoying it without that kind of responsibility.
Otherwise, if you can't stand hearing about how wonderful it is that this girl is having a baby, tell your mom that you disagree with the whole thing and you'd rather not talk about it. It's not worth letting it get to you so much.
I got pregnant when I was 18 and unwed. I was just stupid, and not thinking at all. I didn't get pregnant on purpose and I NEVER wanted kids. But I am so glad I was so stupid. I would have never had an abortion. I would have given her up for adoption first but thankfully I was able to get it together enough to raise her. I am not with the "baby daddy" , he knows about her but didn't want to be involved but I met someone shortly before she was born. We did not marry right away and I found out 3 days before the wedding that I was indeed pregnant again- this time on purpose. We were broke all the time but always made it. We have now been together for 12 years and have 5 kids. We have never had any help from anyone. We are "upper middle class", own our own home...yadayada... we work hard for it all.
I do not glorify it at all, I tell my story to anyone who will listen to tell of what a struggle it has been, emotionally, financially and otherwise. I hope that my children are smart enough to listen to me and not follow in Mom's shoes. It all worked out perfectly, and I know it could have been much much different. I am one of those lucky ones. And I don't have the emotional scars of an abortion, or wonder if every child that walks by is the one I gave up because I was smart enough and strong enough to do what I had to do to deal with the consequences of my actions. Maybe I wasn't so stupid after all.
Anonymous 7:32- I agree, I think it's those people that the OP has a problem with. And for the record? So do I.
I was married at 20. Had a baby at 22. Great. Now because I was married and had a great job and the finances to support the baby, it was a good idea? NOPE! Did I or my husband know what we were doing? Nope!!!!! Three kids later we're still figuring it out. We're just protected from societal judgment...unless I got to the mall myself, then people will be ultra rude to me and my kids because they think I'm a single mother and they have attitudes like yours.
Meanwhile my friend who got pregnant at around the same age then got married afterward is happy as hell. Can't say the same for myself. Life has a funny way of doing what it wants despite your plans for happiness and success.
A few things:
First, maybe she was raped, or isn't sure if what happened was rape or not (so many of us aren't sure, but I assure you that if you think that, you were)...and maybe she just didn't tell YOU or YOUR MOTHER of the circumstances of her conception. After all, it's not your business.
Second, I got pregnant at 17. I was personally attacked verbally more than I can count by people in grocery stores, at the mall, etc. by people who felt like you do. Again, it's not your business; you do not know how I conceived; if you are pro-life then let me carry my child. Those who were pro-choice couldn't have been kinder to me, they allowed me my choice.
Third, I don't think it's a great plan to have a child with little support and very young, but recognize that a male partner doesn't equal support and family support is priceless. Being married doesn't guarantee a present father. Young parents can be great parents...or sucky ones, because they're people.
Lastly, again, no one needs your approval. It's not your business, you know nothing of their situation.
Please find something constructive to do if you want to prevent early pregnancies, instead of handling it through judgment. You could channel this into something good.
Also long-time reader and until today non-commenter, but here's the thing, regardless of how the OP came across, she's right in that she ought to be able to vent her feelings without being attacked.
I think that her original post wasn't about mature non-wed adults who choose to have a baby, or people who have had birth control not, well, control things. I think it was about people who despite not having money or maybe maturity (there's no age limit for having kids, some of the best moms I know are young) to raise children weren't willing to take the time to prevent it. And that she's worried that she it's a growing "trend" with young women.
Is it a touchy subject? You bet and yea, I think everyone should be able to say their piece. But it's a little mind boggling how many people are calling her judgemental while streaming their own bits of judgement.
I believe this space is for expressing things that trouble your soul.
My impression of the original post was that she was frustrated with people who "could not afford birth control" having children that taxpayers would support, or marriages that would not have occurred except for the baby.
I feel frustration with the glamorization of young and unwed mothers. I wish that there were some way to assure someone was ready for the responsibilities of parenthood, but none exists.
I also understand the numerous responses that state that these "accidental" children are among the most cherished. My second daughter was an "accident" (I was and still am married and was using birth control, but only celibacy is 100%). I was miserable at the time I discovered my pregnancy, because the timing was bad, but she is the light of our family.
The judgment part comes here for me. I would have liked to have a third child, but did not because we agreed that we could not afford that child. I don't expect anyone to give anything to my family or our children. Yet, every day, we are expected to give to those who can not afford their children. Before the economic melt down, more than 30% of the children in their school (in a more "affluent" area) qualified for free lunch. School supplies are pooled, without prior notice.
This is difficult to express without sounding cold hearted. I do not begrudge the children, because they are here and blameless. But I do feel frustration toward the parents who see nothing wrong with using things I sent in for my children, and eating food I paid for. All the while I work long hours and sacrifice and worry.
I am glad there are programs to assist people in difficult times. I just don't think that these programs should be considered a way of life.
Guess I am judgmental too. I have explained to my children that we work hard for the things we have, and if we want something, whether basic or a luxury, that we must work for it.
I think that a parent should develop a plan that covers the care of their child, whether expected or not.
To the OP - I totally understand what you are saying and I agree with you 110%. I have also seen many of my friends and family have babies because they were too irresponsible to use birth control properly or at all. In fact, I know more people who have had kids "by accident" than those who have properly planned for it.
Don't feel too bad about all of the negative comments from other posters. You are certainly entitled to your own opinion. Besides, this is what the basement is supposed to be for, right?
Also, even though many commentors say, "You shouldn't judge when you don't know the whole story", I'm sure you know the people you are ranting about a lot better then we do.
Lastly, I find it a litte odd that many people feel the need to tell their own stories of unplanned pregnancy, complete with fairy tale endings, with the intention of proving your opinions are wrong, but you and I both know that for every case where it turns out fine, there are so many more when it doesn't. Otherwise we wouldn't have kids in foster care or cases like Caylee Anthony.
Most of the commentors are quick to point out that their children are the "light of their life". To them I must say, that's good for you, but not every child is so lucky. The OP has a right to be peeved.
Anonymus,
It seems like a lot of people are posting comments saying they disagree with your post. I sympathize with your viewpoint and I agree with you.
I especially understand your feelings where your mother and the other girl are concerned. It is difficult to watch your parents support other people in decisions knowing they would never give you the same support.
I agree with most of what you have said. I agree that birth control is not expensive, nor difficult to use. I attend a Christian University and have watched my share of shotgun weddings and ten pound "premature" babies born too soon after people were married quickly.
Thank you for writing this post. I'm so glad I found it.
Liz
I have adopted 5 kids from foster care. 5 kids whose parents weren't married, had no means of support, who thought they had a right to be parents. 5 kids who have emotional problems from being abused. 5 kids who have developmental delays because birth mom drank and/or took drugs. Personally, if you're too young or stupid to use birth control when you have no means to support a baby, you're too young & stupid to be a parent.
It's strange how judgmental people can be. I was 20 when I became pregnant and was on the receiving end of many rude comments. I'm 23 now with number two on the way and people say cruel things about me when out and about with my daughter and beginning-to-show belly. No one stops to think that maybe this was a planned pregnancy. No one thinks that maybe young people can be responsible. I got married at 19, after I graduated college. My husband and I moved from our hometown to secure jobs. I have employer-provided health care for me, we foot the bill for the rest of the family. We are not wealthy, but we can pay our own bills. So maybe judgmental people should think that before making "stupid kids taking our tax dollars for welfare" comments. Just a thought.
I believe that yes, this is a safe place to vent. However it is not a place where people are not allowed to disagree with posted commentary. Especially about very serious and personal topics like children and when or if to have them.
The tone and writing of this post is very emotionally charged and highly opinionated and well...people are going to react to writing like that strongly. I do not see any more strongly worded opinions placed as rebuttal arguments by others than is put out by the original author.
That said...
OP: You say that your main concern here is for the child? If that is truly the case, buy a pack of diapers and wish her mom well.
Shunning, holding back much needed materials and voicing opinions like these will hardly help this particular child right now.
However, if you feel this impassioned about the subject , why don't you go where you have some hope of helping BEFORE irrecvocable events are already in place?
You could volunteer at Planned Parenthood or at your local high school to help get your message out where it can surely do more good than on an anonymous blog read primarily by mommy bloggers?
I'm always amused when people say your economic situation and age doesn't define what kind of a parent you are. Age, as a number, may not define parenting skills, but maturity sure does. I don't know many teenagers that are mature enough to parent.
And your finances don't have an effect on your parenting? Are you kidding me? You think someone can be a good mother when they're stressing about where the next can of formula is going to come from? Get real. Riches don't make good parents, but financial stability makes a good home and provides for a child's physical needs.
Original poster, I'm on your side of the fence when it comes to a lot of things. I'm sick of people becoming irresponsible parents because they're too lazy to use birth control. I'm sick of seeing teens have kids because they think babies are a cute toy. I'm definitely sick of seeing people sit on their ass on welfare while they're having child after child and not doing anything to get off it.
On all of those points, I agree wholeheartedly. And I also agree that its especially irritating to hear "Oops, I got pregnant" when there is a plethora of birth control options out there. Babies aren't Britney Spears moments. "Oops I did it again" doesn't work in real life.
*gets off soap box*
Oh boy. This one really lights a fire under me, but I'm going to play nice.
I was 21 and had been dating a guy for 3 years. We loved each other and had discussed getting married, but we knew we had the committment without the piece of paper and wanted to hold off for awhile. I was on birth control and I got pregnant. I took it at the same time every day, I didn't screw it up with antibiotics, it just failed me. My doctor said that the Pill being 99% effective means 1 in 100 women will still get pregnant.
We went ahead and got married sooner rather than later, simply because it made more sense insurance-wise. I have no doubt that we would have married anyway, but we saw no need to wait after finding out about the baby. It was not a shotgun wedding.
And my father? He's a preacher. He and my mother were heartbroken when they found out, but they dealt with it. They supported our decisions and they love my daughter (now three) more than anything. Were they excited? No. But they are so happy now.
Since then, we've tried to have another baby. I was pregnant and we were thrilled. I lost the baby and was told I might not ever be able to carry another child. This makes my unplanned child even more special to me.
So here is my question: if you are so disguisted by unplanned pregnancies and poor excuses, how did you get yourself in the situation to need the morning after pill? I think you need to take a look at yourself before you start casting stones.
Wow, can anyone smell the judgment? Ouch! You seem like a girl that was never on welfare from all the snap judgements about people sucking it out of the taxes we all pay to support welfare programs. I grew up on welfare, and trust me, we needed every penny and every foostamp, which wasn't all that much. My best friend from highschool recently had a baby out of wedlock. Like your friend, she was young and in college and then she fell for some dumb %uck who had three kids who never gave a *amme about. She dropped out, had the baby, and now the father is gone. Luckily she had a supportive family. My friend was married at 20 years old, and it didn't make one difference. I was angry and judgemental, but then I got over it and I got over myself. The baby is my God-daughter. I love my friend to accept her descisions even though I know them to be faulty because in the end she is the one who has to deal with the consequences, not me. I get to make my own mistakes
i got pregant wen i was 14 years old and i had my baby girl wen i was 15 year old i really enjoyed becomin a mother its the best thing that ever happened 2 me
could some1 give me a website were i can c about how i can have a baby as i lost my wee girl wen she was 6months old and i cnt ave anymore as i lost my womb after i give birth 2 er .i would love 2 ave a baby i love kids they r great .please sum1 HELP me wat u call them woman who carries the baby 4 u
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