Monday, August 16, 2010

Wanting Someone You Can't Have

Posted by Anonymous.

I’m so confused!

I want someone I can’t have. I know I can’t have him because he is too good. If I did have him I’d then feel bad.... feel at fault... even though he can make his own choices. He won’t choose me.

... but the yearning is so strong. I’m so happy when he’s around. I count down the minutes until I can see him again.

We’ve become such good friends that I would really hate to ruin that friendship. I want to grow that friendship, not just so I have those opportunities to be near him... even just to hear his voice, or see his smile... but because I really do like him as a friend too!!

I’m smart enough to know and understand the millions of reasons why this shouldn’t happen.... why it won’t happen... (The top are I’m married, he’s married, he’s religiously moral, he’s very happy with his wife...)but I’m having a really hard time reconciling my head and my heart to be on the same page. The other significant factor is our work relationship – I’m pseudo-management, and he’s a front-line worker, and there’s so many complications with that it makes my head spin!!

I’m not looking to change my situation, somehow I do love the one I have – but it’s not enough, and I’m tired of just settling for 2nd best. I’m tired of being the roommate.

I think I should be applauded for one thing though... I’ve been super careful to try to not put out too many of the “I want to jump your bones” signals... I’ve really toned down my usual “flirty” self – which hasn’t been easy to do!

I wish I was a mind reader and knew what he was thinking about at times. If he was thinking, even remotely, the same thing I was. But if he is, would I take that opportunity and potentially screw up everything; or take the opportunity and enjoy the ride while it lasts; or smartly turn it down and continue driving myself mad with should of, could of...

Why does this have to be so confusing?!?!


Anonymous said...

It is hard. In your mind you see the possibilities, but in your heart you know they can't be. Is there the possibility of the two of you being out of the work place at an event and bump into each other? In that type of setting you could come out and ask him. I wouldn't mention anything at the work place, even more so if he is a direct report (keep in mind the sexual harassment and other policies at work). Have you had feelings for others in the past while you have been married? Are you using this attraction to look at your marriage and see if you are happy still?

Anonymous said...

Has your husband ever been unfaithful to you? Do you know what that feels like, to be betrayed like that? I do. My husband cheated, with the godmother of our children, no less. Our marriage has survived, through work with a couples therapist, lots of forgiveness by me and true and honest remorse by him. Hers did not. Even though I have forgiven him and am with him because I believe with all my heart that we are better together than apart, there is not a day that goes by that I don't question his every move and every motive, not a day that I don't remember what he did and who he did it with. You do not want to put your husband through that.

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with the Anon 6:34.

Realize that the reason you want this person is because it is not real. Your husband is. You want to escape to a fantasty with no responsibilities, where you can do whatever you want. It will only be good when it isn't real. If you do this, leave your husband for this man - the the new man will become real and you will not want him eventually becuase he will take on the same day to day reality as your husband.

If you don't want to be with your husband, then leave him and then start something else. Anyone deserves that. How would you feel if your husband betrayed you? It isn't worth it.

Anonymous said...

These are questions I ask myself:

Why would I ever consider being with a person who would not have the courage to discuss any relationship problems with his or her spouse?

Why would I ever consider a relationship with a person who would cheat on his or her spouse?

Why would I want to know the thoughts of a cheater?

Why would I be attracted to a person, rather than deal with the telling revelation about feeling like a roommate in my marriage?

Why do I want a distraction, rather than the truth?

Anonymous said...

1. Secrecy: Do you feel as though your partner could be telling you more about his or her new friend? Or do you hide the details of your platonic relationship from your spouse? If so, why? It's best not to keep secrets from your partner, even if you think he or she will be hurt, angry or jealous. If you want a successful relationship, trust and honesty is the one factor for marriage that should not be compromised.

2. Displaced Trust: Is information that should only be shared between husband and a wife, shared outside of the relationship? Topics like sexual intimacy, irreconcilable differences, personal finances, and detailed accounts of your partner's shortcomings are best left within the constructs of your marriage relationship.

3. Comparing: Does your spouse compare you to friend(s) of the opposite sex often? Or do YOU feel as though your spouse could improve in the areas that your special friend excels? Comparing once or twice may not be a problem, but habitual comparison is a warning sign.

4. Time Management: What type of time do you spend together as a married couple? Is it mainly dutiful, like paying bills or going to conferences for the kids? Or do you actually date-- one-on-one, no kids, family or friends around? If not, and you find yourself, or your partner, engaged in date like activities outside of your relationship, stop it. Either invite your spouse or don't do it anymore. Coffee talk can turn to pillow talk in the blink of an eye.

5. Attraction: Do you feel as though your spouse likes the way his/her special friend looks? Are you attracted to the way your friend looks or the way he/she does something? If so, address this issue with your partner and then try to refocus your attention on each other, rather than the outside party.

If (any)of these topics need to be addressed in your marriage, I urge you to get professional help...from a professional counselor.

Anonymous said...

I've said this before here and it looks like I'm going to have to say it again: It all just boils down to what kind of person do you want to be? It is really NOT about anything else. What do you value? You are a smart person, I think you know what I am getting at here. There are some things more important than chemistry (lust) with another person. Use your logical brain, not your lust affected adled mind. Change the situation to get yourself away from this person with whom you have discovered you have lust. If you cannot limit yourself to appreciating him and acknowledging that attraction and appreciation happen BUT DO NOT NEED TO BE ACTED UPON because acting upon them would not be consistent with the value of who you want to be as a person. As difficult as it is, get out of the target rich environment. Change jobs. Seriously, get away. Be committed to something bigger, better, be committed to living by a standard you want to define yourself by. DO NOT RELY ON WILLPOWER TO LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. If you leave yourself to rely on will power you'll NEVER make it. Be proactive. Acknowledge the situation to yourself as one that is dangerous and choose a behavior consistent with your value system. You can be whomever you want to be. Don't make an excuse that you aren't a very good person. That is b@LLcr8p, you know that. You can be whomever you want to be. BE THE BETTER PERSON. RAISE the bar for your own behavior and reap the word of rising to the occassion.

Anonymous said...

Don't be confused; become informed, before you wreck your life and do something you WILL REGRET. There is a ton of information available on this topic. This is not new: When we first become attracted to someone, our brains release Dopamine and Norepinephrine. The release of these 2 chemicals account for the obsession you describe. This is causing trouble for you because it is constantly on your mind, you don't know what behavior to choose, should you reveal your lust for him or not. How do you reconcile your conflicted situation. The chemical brew surging around our brains at this time is very close to that of obsessive-compulsive people.

I encourage you to go to see a counselor to get some proper education on the topic so that you understand what is happening with your brain biochemistry. It does not have to be confusing. Confusion and flip flopping is not a strong position from which to be making an informed decision consistent with how you want to run your life and what kind of person you want to be overall.

Please get some professional help with this. There are many consequences to many people hanging in the balance.

Krish said...

One thought....your husband...your other half.

To hear you talk so passionately of this friendship shows something must be lacking on the other side of the equation. It sounds like you feel devalued in your home/personal life. You even said:

"I’m not looking to change my situation, somehow I do love the one I have – but it’s not enough, and I’m tired of just settling for 2nd best. I’m tired of being the roommate."

I'm sorry...but that paragraph, is very damning. No partner should refer to themselves as a roommate! And I'm not solely blaming your husband. People in committed relationships grow apart for lots of reasons. It isn't usually just one thing more than another.

Have a good look at your whole life, not just the bits that look good, and see what you feel is worth fighting for before you do anything too rash.

Anonymous said...

take action, leave first! It is what you would want for YOU. If the situation were reversed.

I'd never trust someone who was married, to be with me at the same time. Because, when it all blows up, and the pieces settle, you are left with a married man who cheated on his wife, FOR YOU. And if you two get together (you know, after the divorces) then how do you know that the new one, the one you cheated on YOUR husband, for, won't do this same thing to you, down the line?

You don't. If you clear out, and get single, first, then at least you have the peace of mind, for YOURSELF.

And really, that's all that matters. Yourself. Be true to YOU, and then you can be true to the next one.

take it from me. Just tonight, I found the link to the love of my life, from the 80's. I"m still married, with grown kids, but the thought has gone through my mind, the what-if's? I know I'd have to leave the person I'm married to, right now, before I EVER made one single step in that other direction. It's too much to risk.

Anonymous said...

It's a lovely fantasy, isn't it?

Just keep reminding yourself that that is all it is. Because, really, if he would leave his family for you, he wouldn't be the good, decent man you think he is, would he? And you wouldn't want him anymore.

This is sooo normal, it's okay to have these fantasies and infatuations, it's easier if they're about George Clooney, but it's pretty common to have them about people in our lives too. What isn't okay and normal is to act on them.

I think what they're really about is not having to pick up somebodies dirty socks and wash them. Remember that Mr. Wonderfull's wife has to put up with his annoying habits too. Look for the things he does that humanize him to you. Does he eat with his mouth open, pick his nose when he thinks no one is looking, chew his nails, spit, yell at his kids? I bet he pees on the toilet seat and doesn't wipe it up!:) You know, those yucky little habits we all have and hope nobody notices.

Don't do anything dumb, Sunshine, I know that some people meet the "love of their lives!" while married to other people, but from your letter, that isn't the case here. Don't eff up your life because you're a little bored.

If I were you I'd tell my husband that I'm feeling like I'm growing old before my time and I really need somebody to sweep me off my feet, and that I'd really rather that that somebody was him.

Good luck, and every time your heart goes pitty-pat because this other guy walks in the room, let your head tell it that you're not 16 anymore, and have no desire to be 16 anymore, so it should just shut the eff up!

Anonymous said...

Seriously? God, I hope you're very, very young. This is not a "Dear Diary" topic. Listen to these people because every single comment here is true a million times over. How could you possibly know you settled for "second best"? I'd rather stand firmly in my marriage than be swept off my feet, and believe me, I adore my husband beyond anything I ever thought possible. I still have to pick up his underwear. I've watched a few friends play this game--one left her kids behind for her high school boyfriend in another state--love that FB--and you cannot comprehend the fallout and hurt of such things. You might think you can, but wow, I'm a bystander, and I can't believe how harshly I feel it. It changes everything. Forever. If you want to change something forever, practice with your marriage.
You don't get do-overs here. No take-backsies.
Now, to be fair, I'm just not cut out to consider such things. Am no saint, and not under any particular religious guidelines, its just not in me. So maybe there's a bit I just can't get. Maybe. I don't think a healthy relationship can be developed from what you're describing. It's fairy dust--very pretty and quite useless. Read the comments until they make sense to you. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

Oh,hon, that is tough and I know how it feels.
I love my husband with all my heart but my thoughts are often on HIM. We've never acted on those thoughts or mutual feelings.
If neither of us are still married when our children are old enough for college, we could re-think the situation, but right now the main point is...we have to THINK enough not to act, even though that means staying away from each other.

Anonymous said...

This was why, ten years ago, I became a practicing polyamorist. My wife, my girlfriend and I go on vacations together these days, and life is very good.

Anonymous said...

Read the more recent post about being involved with a married man.

And, not trying to judge, cause I've been you - but you really don't applaud yourself for not acting on your feelings or toning down your flirty self because - ummm YOU"RE MARRIED...sorry isn't that just expected not something you get congratulated for???

Anonymous said...

If you don't have kids you need to divorce your husband. Something is missing about your husband that you need. It may not even be this other guy that you "want", he's just something your husband isn't. If you divorce him you are then free to find the one for you instead of settling for your husband the rest of you life. It's better for your husband too.

If you do have kids you need to quit your job and avoid this other guy at all cost. You are going to have to settle for your husband at least until the kids are 18. Your family should be your first priority. Can you imagine ruining your family?
These are the only ways to fix your situation, in my opinion. Sorry, but as we all know, life is difficult and the answer is never easy.