Deep, Dark & Dirty - The Follow-Up

Posted by Anonymous. Follow-up to THIS POST.

Today I called the insurance co and they said they cover both inpatient AND outpatient detox at 80%. Although I said I was calling for a friend, they still filed a case under my name - eek! I also called the drug help line , and from the broken English I cold understand, the guy kept saying "Methadone Clinic". However,from the research I have done and what I have seen first hand with other people taking it, I have heard Methadone is just as addictive if not harder to get off of than opiates.

The Husband Deal -
I really do love my husband, and though I have been told over and over how much I deserve better, I just can't bring myself to leave him. Especially because of the kids, although a lot of people say not to, it isn't always necessarily the right thing to do. Hubby and I don't fight very often, he works a lot and when he is here we get along well. (Well just as much as any other couple.) He is great with the kids, and they love him more than anything in the world. Even through all the horrible things he has done, I have handled it. The cheating though, it makes me sad and hate not being able to just have that carefree trusting love you have when you join as one with another soul in marriage. Later on in life I found out my Dad had cheated on my Mom, (and also found out nearly EVERY woman in my life has faced this adultery thing too!) it changed a lot about the way I finally understood a lot of the things about my own child hood and growing up observing my parent's marriage. Who by the way, are STILL married after 43 years. So that along with all the other testimonies I have heard are proof that you can work through adultery, even if it isn't easy.

Back when hubby was in the hospital, so was my Dad for open heart surgery complications. They were both in ICU at the same time, and my Mother and I were very close and helped each other through it. She basically stayed home with all the kids while I hopped between floors watching over both of them for several months. I literally lived there as long as hubby was there, sleeping on a blow up mattress on the floor in the corner. That bothered me a lot too, still having the fresh wounds of the affair and being away from my new baby so much, she refused to nurse just wanting the bottle she had been getting - it killed me. My oldest was 7 but bless his heart, he didn't fully understand. I remember a very intimate conversation I had with my Mom in a waiting room at the hospital one day. She shared with me a lot of her deepest darkest feelings and how her experience with my Dad's affair had always haunted her. Especially during the rough times in their marriage.Also, the times she had to forget everything else and literally take care of him on his death bed. It never goes away but you learn to deal with your past in time.

With MY husband, I do feel this is another way he can control me. Early on in our dating and marriage he was a very over jealous guy. He was always harassing me about where I had been, who I saw, talked to, etc. But he got a lot better about that after a few years as he grew up (we were only 17 & 18 when we married).

Hubby playing the sex game with them is partly my fault because in the beginning it was my way of 1. Originally trying to be the good wife, and make sure I do my job pleasing him so he wont cheat again (I know, it is messed up) and 2. A mask that makes us "even" and makes this problem okay to take most of the negative attention off of the real problem at hand. I know,still messed up.

Hubby said falling into addiction is due to not being mentally strong enough to not let it take over you and it makes you look weak. My honest opinion is it shows strength to even admit you have a problem and be big enough to ask for help! Believe me, if I had the actual ability of growing balls, I would have by now!

I know we have a less than perfect relationship, as most married couples do, but I need to take care of this bigger problem first. Then I will regroup and work on that situation. Right now, just as in the past, I am in NO position to up and leave with the kids and frankly, it would just make things worse right now. For everyone. First things first, I NEED TO GET BETTER!

I have talked several times with one of the commenters above and her words were more than encouraging. (Thank you commenter!) I also called the drug help line anonymously and got a lot of good advice and resources to use locally. Most were methadone clinics, so I am steering clear of that. I went to the Suboxone website and did a search for a local Dr that in certified to write it and can manage my case on a daily basis. I am very hopeful after learning about the Suboxone. Everyone I have talked to about this drug says it is like magic (although I know there is no magic cure), but it takes away the anxiety and cravings which is the part I have had the most trouble dealing with in my past attempts to stop.

I did end up getting more pills over the weekend and just spent 30 minutes breaking them down into smaller increment doses in a daily pill box to taper down (to lessen the withdrawal symptoms) about 5 mg a day until I get to zero, in which that is the time I will go into the Dr to get started on the Suboxone.
I still do not plan on telling my Mom & the rest of the family unless my plan fails and resort to my plan B. My family and the going to rehab would be my plan B.

I've gone through a LOT harder things in my life ALONE and know I have the strength to do this too if I set my mind to it, and this is something I REALLY have to do. There is no other choice and that is what I have made up in my mind. I HAVE TO DO THIS!!! This is the way it HAS to be. I made a plan and I am going to do my damnedest to follow through now that I know there is help waiting for me at the Dr's office after I take my last pill.

As far as all the love and e hugs and support I have received in the comments, I can't thank you all enough for the encouragement and all the kind words! Really, I mean I knew there was a lot of love in the blogosphere but ya'll gave me more than I could have ever hoped for! (With the exception of commenter #30, either you are Dr.Dickhead or you are just the type of cut and dry my way or no way asshatted person that has no hope in anything at all and I REALLY feel sorry for you. If you read my original post, I said that I would NEVER EVER risk my kid's being taken away and I meant that. Also, I have NO car, & NO drivers license so don't worry about me wrecking and hurting anyone. ALSO, like I said originally, I do NOT pass out from these things, they actually give me energy. Really, I'm just glad there was only one of you on the comment box!)

The past 2 days I have read and reread all the internets inspiration and it has given me the courage to take action. I can't thank you all enough and promise I will be back with a success story update in the next month or so to tell! In the meanwhile, please, PLEASE keep me in your thoughts and prayers! I know it won't be a walk in the park, but it is a journey I must take no matter what and just making my plan is the first step. Knowing there is a better life for me and my kids waiting for us is enough to keep me going!

~Anonymous

PS - If anyone wants to talk privately more than the anonymous commenter route, you can reach me at secretmommyblogger@yahoo.com . But PLEASE keep the negativity and hate mail to yourself. Remember, karma is a bitch! And to quote the commenter I have been in contact with: Anyone judging a drug addict ought to try being one!