Wednesday, April 01, 2009


Posted by Anonymous.

I want to go back and start again. This isn't the life I wanted. Not what I hoped for. And, calculating for the average lifespan, it's already more than half over. I am 43.

From the outside looking in, I'm sure it appears to be a good life. I have a good job. I managed, by myself, to raise a fine and successful daughter. Now that she is on her own, I have no real responsibilities other than my pets and my work. It seems that I should be happy.

But I am, at my core, alone. A crushing, pervasive loneliness that has plagued me since childhood. A solitary child at heart, I was forced to spend much time with a succession of babysitters while my Mom worked a staggering schedule after my father left us when I was 2. There were precious few programs for working mothers to avail themselves of in the late 1960's and early 1970's, so I was often shuffled from sitter to sitter, from family member to family member after school, on vacations and during the summer. My mother simply did the very best she could. I compensated by living another life in my head. A life with a family who surrounded me. Protected me. In my imaginary life, I was not a lonely, only child. I had older brothers who protected me. A father who didn't walk away. A mother who was able to devote time and attention to me instead of collapsing from exhaustion at the end of an 18 hour day.

As I grew into a teenager and young adult, the life in my head became less like a reality and more like a dream. The dream of a husband and kids and a house and happiness. For as long as I can remember, I always wanted a lot of kids. The hope of that dream sustained me. Even when I was at my lowest, I could always call upon the promise of that life.

The life in my head was the life I wanted. It still is.

Instead, I have a life that I have managed, in all honesty, to completely screw up. Other than my mother and my daughter, I have no close relationships.


I have not been in a relationship with a man for 20 years. Prior to that, I ruined every relationship I was in. I don't know how to change that. I don't know if I can. Maybe it's simply too late.

I just know that I don't want to spend the rest of my years lonely and alone. I want to lay next to someone again and whisper my deepest thoughts to them in the dark. I want to reach for someone's hand when I need strength and know that familiar touch will comfort me. I don't want to face the rest of my life by myself.

I still want that life in my head, but after all these years, maybe it's time to give up the dream.


Anonymous said...

Don't give up the dream, maybe you can still have some of it.

I don't have the life I wanted either, I have no kids and a husband who needs me more than I need him and resents me for it more every day.

I have a job that pays the bills but that I hate most days.

I cry myself to sleep many nights.

I won't give up though - someday things will get better.

I have faith.

SP said...


What dream of is happiness. The little details are what you dream of making you happy. Whatever it is that ends up bringing you that happiness - that contentment - the first step is to get some help. I really really recommend that you find a counselor. If you are a person of faith, start there and see if they offer real counseling services. If not, check into it at a community level. Getting yourself centered and health is the first step in attaining those things you dream about.

One more thing. When you feel like you are emotionally ready to take the next step, look into finding Life Coach. I have a dear friend who does that. She is simply a guide in helping people discover what the want to do and the steps to take to get there, whether is it is personal or professional.

But more than anything NEVER EVER EVER give up on finding your happiness.

Anonymous said...

I worry that it will be impossible for me to have a fulfilling relationship because (a) I've never seen one lived out by any of my family and (b) I had little interaction with males growing up, since it was just mom, sis and me.

So many women say "I relate better to men than women" and I would like to say the same is true for me (because I don't relate well to most women), but the truth is I have little experience even talking to men.

I read your story, and it's like reading what I could be like in 20 years. I hope for both our sakes, there is something good coming down the pike.

Hayley said...

It's never too late. So don't give up.

Anonymous said...

Boy can I relate to this! I know that "lonely and alone" feeling very well. Due to a lot of negative things in my life...some my fault, some not...I gradually withdrew, as much as practically possible, from people in an effort not to have to feel anymore pain. Now my son is grown and I am alone and I hate it. I started seeing a therapist who is helping me learn to deal with my fears and teaching me how to gradually connect to people. If you are able, I highly recommend therapy. It is the thing that is saving my life.

Best wishes to you!

Anonymous said...

Never give up. Being alive is enough of a reason to say it is not too late. You may be fishing in the wrong pond for a friend. There are many different ponds in which to fish. Endeavour to find out in which pond like minded people are located and fish there for a friend. I know this sounds glib but I have heard it said if you want a friend be a friend. I have also heard it said that if you would like something for yourself, such as a supportive circle of friends who care about you and are there for you when you need it and to spend the interesting and happy and fun times with, then be that for someone else. We reap such a truly satisfying reward when we give to someone else that which we desire for ourselves. I think a lot of it is just finding the correct pond in which to fish. If other don't seem that interested then they are just not the right one, keep moving on and trying again, and never give up because it takes all kinds and there is a group of people out there who are like minded and willing and able to connect with your for friendship and there is a special life partner out there too. Just keep trying. You are still young. But even so, this is a human thing, not an age thing. Even if you were 93 I would still say that this is important at any age and that it is worth it and that you can do it! If you want it, you can make it happen.

Jaden Paige said...

You can have that dream. Believe it... Someone is out there waiting for you, thinking they've screwed up, too, and that THEY won't find anyone. You'll bump into him one of these days, when you least expect.

louralann said...

Don't give up..don't ever give up.

I don't have anything more eloquent to say...everyone else has said all the words..I just wanted to echo them.

Thoughts and hugs.

Chickiedoodle said...

Maybe it's not a question of giving up the dream. Maybe it's a question of reassessing what you were looking for in the first place.

At the similar age of 42, I am working through a recent, similar life change that nearly crushed me with the weight of "too late."

I gave myself time to mourn the passing of what I had expected my life to be, and told myself that after that process, I needed to stop waiting for my life to begin; to look at my life for what it is, not for what I meant it to be. And if I didn't learn to like what I found, then, without question, it *would* be too late. It has been surprisingly easy to do. After all, what is my choice? Another 20 years of being miserable?

What if I had been chasing the wrong thing all along? If I had truly wanted those things I thought I was waiting for, wouldn't I have found a way to have them? Wouldn't I have sacrificed different things to get them? What if I led this life because larger part of me than I thought *was* happy in it?

Another surprise was that seeing how much of my "accidental" life that I do actually like has brought me a wealth of hope. Now that I am open to enhancing what I have instead of thinking of this life as just the waiting room for my real life, such a burdensome weight is lifted; such a huge door is open.

I fervently hope and absolutely believe you can find the same. I know you can do it.

rella12 said...

Do not give up. Do something to get yourself out of your head. What you feel is real, but distract yourself by helping others and you may find some happiness. Volunteer in a school, a community garden, Habitat for Humanity- get out there. You can do it.

Anonymous said...


I'm trying to rebuild my life too. It will take some time, but your honesty is a step in the right direction. Too many people stuff their emotions under a rug. I wish you all the best!