Posted by Anonymous.
It's been six months since my baby was born and still, every time I see you and have to fake smile and ask you how you're doing as if I cared. I feel so furious. I'm a new mother, you were once too so I assumed you would understand. If I don't want children visiting us in the hospital and holding the new baby then as the mother of the baby guess what? I have the right to make that decision! We made the decision that we didn't want any children at the hospital, just adults. We did not selectively choose your kids and say that they were the only one's not allowed. At NO POINT did we say this was because we thought they were diseased and would infect the new baby, why the heck would you assume that? Although if I had to be honest about it, it's true I don't trust you enough to be able to control your kids around the new baby, they're manipulative whiny brats. The fact that you decided not to visit because your kids couldn't was your decision, not ours. We accept responsibility for our decision, why not accept responsibility for yours?
That day was not about you or your kids, it was about the new baby and the fact that you would call us selfish self-centered idiots only goes to show just how insecure and neurotic you are. Screaming at us in letters and writing on facebook about how dumb we are and how selfish our decision is only shows what kind of person you are. Everyone, and I do mean everyone in the family hates receiving your little "The world didn't revolve around me for five seconds and I'm mad about it so I'm going to blame it on you" letters. Stop writing letters and talk to us- maybe we could clear up some of the misunderstandings you get in that delusional little head of yours.
You are the parent to your children and as such you have the right to make decisions regarding them, explain to me why that isn't the same for everyone else? Are you super fucking special? Now I can't see my brother without there being a strain and it's obvious that the relationship is forever marked by your insecurity and bi-polar behavior. Thanks, really.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
YOUR BRAINWASHING HAS FAILED
Posted by Anonymous.
Its 11:23 p.m. I've spent all day, and most of the evening preparing for my son's birthday. You joined me at the store only because you seen I had done my hair. God forbid anyone hit on me, right? It's been five years, and I hate you. I utterly detest you. In fact, I hardly doubt I ever had any feelings other than resentment towards you.
You moved into my life swiftly those five years ago: pretending to be some knight in shining armor. You have amounted to nothing more than demonic. I care not for your "mental" problems, your upbringing, or your addictions. Everything that has gone wrong in your life has been someone else's fault- but mainly, mine- even at times where I couldn't have possibly been there and had any saying in your life- the fault has still yet... been mine.
You tell everyone I'm crazy, disturbed, and have various mental problems. You even tell this to my kids. Contrary to your pathetic words, it is YOU that is disturbed and crazy. You stripped me of the polite, kind and caring human being I was once. There is not one part of my life you haven't touched upon and made fun of; even straight down to my personality. It is you, that is crazy.
You live your life pretending you are something more than you really are. The words "mundane and ordinary" cannot and will not describe you. You announced that your coworkers declared you a Saint. It is you, that is crazy.
You spend every ounce of your free time retarding yourself with video games. I used to argue for your attentions. What for? It is you, that is crazy.
I fought a good fight against you, but I surrender. I have no strength left in me to fight your madness. It is you, that is crazy.
I smile, laugh inside even- knowing that in the end, you will be stripped of every ounce of control you have over me. For it is me that is smarter.
You work. You play video games. You insult, you rant, you rave and you unleash hell through this house. It is YOU that is crazy.
And while you're busy doing that, I'm getting set to go- leave the confines you have shackled me in. And it will be YOU that does in fact, go crazy.
You haven't brainwashed me, but I can let you believe you have. Besides, doing so puts a smile on that face of yours I have grown to hate.
I can bite my tongue and stagger away from your unbelievable words. You? You can't. YOU are pathetic and weak, not me.
You believe yourself a non abuser because you have never hit me. The narcissist in you prides yourself on that.
I get to go on- and live my life. You? You get to wallow in your self pity being alone with yourself- trying to find anyone that will play your game.
Your supply has run short. Your cycles bring on adult tantrums. And still yet, I privately laugh at you.
By the time I am done firing back at you, you narcissistic abuser- the house will be empty.
All that will be heard is nothing. You.. you go live with that. I won't have to.
Its 11:23 p.m. I've spent all day, and most of the evening preparing for my son's birthday. You joined me at the store only because you seen I had done my hair. God forbid anyone hit on me, right? It's been five years, and I hate you. I utterly detest you. In fact, I hardly doubt I ever had any feelings other than resentment towards you.
You moved into my life swiftly those five years ago: pretending to be some knight in shining armor. You have amounted to nothing more than demonic. I care not for your "mental" problems, your upbringing, or your addictions. Everything that has gone wrong in your life has been someone else's fault- but mainly, mine- even at times where I couldn't have possibly been there and had any saying in your life- the fault has still yet... been mine.
You tell everyone I'm crazy, disturbed, and have various mental problems. You even tell this to my kids. Contrary to your pathetic words, it is YOU that is disturbed and crazy. You stripped me of the polite, kind and caring human being I was once. There is not one part of my life you haven't touched upon and made fun of; even straight down to my personality. It is you, that is crazy.
You live your life pretending you are something more than you really are. The words "mundane and ordinary" cannot and will not describe you. You announced that your coworkers declared you a Saint. It is you, that is crazy.
You spend every ounce of your free time retarding yourself with video games. I used to argue for your attentions. What for? It is you, that is crazy.
I fought a good fight against you, but I surrender. I have no strength left in me to fight your madness. It is you, that is crazy.
I smile, laugh inside even- knowing that in the end, you will be stripped of every ounce of control you have over me. For it is me that is smarter.
You work. You play video games. You insult, you rant, you rave and you unleash hell through this house. It is YOU that is crazy.
And while you're busy doing that, I'm getting set to go- leave the confines you have shackled me in. And it will be YOU that does in fact, go crazy.
You haven't brainwashed me, but I can let you believe you have. Besides, doing so puts a smile on that face of yours I have grown to hate.
I can bite my tongue and stagger away from your unbelievable words. You? You can't. YOU are pathetic and weak, not me.
You believe yourself a non abuser because you have never hit me. The narcissist in you prides yourself on that.
I get to go on- and live my life. You? You get to wallow in your self pity being alone with yourself- trying to find anyone that will play your game.
Your supply has run short. Your cycles bring on adult tantrums. And still yet, I privately laugh at you.
By the time I am done firing back at you, you narcissistic abuser- the house will be empty.
All that will be heard is nothing. You.. you go live with that. I won't have to.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Questions For My Mom
Posted by Anonymous.
It’s been over six years now since you left this world. I think about you every day. I wonder what you would think about the grandchildren you left behind and the grandchildren who’ve come along since you left us. You definitely loved your grandchildren no doubt. I used to watch in wonderment at the interaction between you and the grandchildren and wonder why you never felt that way about me. It’s amazing how a grandmother’s love can be so different from a mother’s love. It’s also amazing how you as a mother could show your love between your children so differently.
I came to know and love you better as an adult. I could actually understand your actions better after you finally disclosed your sexual abuse as a child by your relatives.
What I don’t understand is why you chose me as your target when I was a kid. Why was I called names and insulted, slapped in the face so often?
Why did people allow you to call me “fat, lazy heifer” instead of my name for weeks on end? Why did the school allow you to send me to school with just a cold hamburger patty and an orange in my lunch box for weeks on end because you thought I was too fat? I look at the pictures of me when I was 8 yrs old and I see a normal sized child. Why were you frequently over feeding me and then either making fun of me or denying food to me? Why didn’t you care that I was humiliated by you every day? Do you think your name calling and insults could have something to do with me being 75 lbs over weight today?
Why were you so violent? Did you enjoy seeing me cry? What about the welts and bruises?
Weren’t you embarrassed for people to see me? I was told that when I learned how to act right, you wouldn’t have to do that to me anymore. Why would a mother ever NEED to make her child bleed or bruise? You could try to make me believe that I deserved whatever punishment you dished out, but when other adults questioned me about who left the marks I knew that it wasn’t right. I knew other kids’ mothers called them by their names and not insulting, hurtful names.
Why did you have to degrade me when I started my period? Why was every new aspect of puberty an excuse to belittle or embarrass me? Why was it my fault when an uncle tried to molest me? I never said I enjoyed being “manhandled” as you accused me. I was 12 years old! Couldn’t you remember when you were molested as a child and no one helped you?
Why did you upturn my room and empty my closet and drawers out onto the bed every time I left the house for years? What were you hoping to find? I was too scared of you to ever drink or do drugs! You would have killed me if you’d ever found anything.
Why would you leave me for days on end with the people who abused you? Did you want me to be abused, too?
Why did you love my sisters and not me? What was wrong with me? Did you have me too soon after the first baby? 20 months apart was just too much for a 22 yr old, I know. But it wasn’t my fault! Why did you have more kids if you didn’t have enough emotional capacity to love them all equally?
Why did the other kids get to take piano lessons and have friends spend the night? Why was it ok for them to go to camp? Why was I ALWAYS on restriction? I remember, my grades! When I got behind in school, did it ever occur to you to help me? You were a college grad, you could have helped a 3rd grader with math homework before it got so bad that I got so discouraged that I could never recover. But, no, your solution was to put me on 3 months TV restriction, until the next report card. Did you honestly think that would help me understand multiplication and fractions?
When high school came around, why did you discourage me from going to college? Why did you refuse to help with filling out financial aid and application forms? When I told someone my dream of being a physician’s assistant, why did you laugh and tell everyone, “She’ll never make it”? Why did you make it easy for my sisters to go to college and refuse to help me?
What was so different or unlovable about me? Why was I your target? I think I could have peace in my life if I just understood your reasons and motivations. Unfortunately it’s too late now. I’ll never understand or get the answers I crave. I do try to look ahead and be the best mother to my children that I can be.
It’s been over six years now since you left this world. I think about you every day. I wonder what you would think about the grandchildren you left behind and the grandchildren who’ve come along since you left us. You definitely loved your grandchildren no doubt. I used to watch in wonderment at the interaction between you and the grandchildren and wonder why you never felt that way about me. It’s amazing how a grandmother’s love can be so different from a mother’s love. It’s also amazing how you as a mother could show your love between your children so differently.
I came to know and love you better as an adult. I could actually understand your actions better after you finally disclosed your sexual abuse as a child by your relatives.
What I don’t understand is why you chose me as your target when I was a kid. Why was I called names and insulted, slapped in the face so often?
Why did people allow you to call me “fat, lazy heifer” instead of my name for weeks on end? Why did the school allow you to send me to school with just a cold hamburger patty and an orange in my lunch box for weeks on end because you thought I was too fat? I look at the pictures of me when I was 8 yrs old and I see a normal sized child. Why were you frequently over feeding me and then either making fun of me or denying food to me? Why didn’t you care that I was humiliated by you every day? Do you think your name calling and insults could have something to do with me being 75 lbs over weight today?
Why were you so violent? Did you enjoy seeing me cry? What about the welts and bruises?
Weren’t you embarrassed for people to see me? I was told that when I learned how to act right, you wouldn’t have to do that to me anymore. Why would a mother ever NEED to make her child bleed or bruise? You could try to make me believe that I deserved whatever punishment you dished out, but when other adults questioned me about who left the marks I knew that it wasn’t right. I knew other kids’ mothers called them by their names and not insulting, hurtful names.
Why did you have to degrade me when I started my period? Why was every new aspect of puberty an excuse to belittle or embarrass me? Why was it my fault when an uncle tried to molest me? I never said I enjoyed being “manhandled” as you accused me. I was 12 years old! Couldn’t you remember when you were molested as a child and no one helped you?
Why did you upturn my room and empty my closet and drawers out onto the bed every time I left the house for years? What were you hoping to find? I was too scared of you to ever drink or do drugs! You would have killed me if you’d ever found anything.
Why would you leave me for days on end with the people who abused you? Did you want me to be abused, too?
Why did you love my sisters and not me? What was wrong with me? Did you have me too soon after the first baby? 20 months apart was just too much for a 22 yr old, I know. But it wasn’t my fault! Why did you have more kids if you didn’t have enough emotional capacity to love them all equally?
Why did the other kids get to take piano lessons and have friends spend the night? Why was it ok for them to go to camp? Why was I ALWAYS on restriction? I remember, my grades! When I got behind in school, did it ever occur to you to help me? You were a college grad, you could have helped a 3rd grader with math homework before it got so bad that I got so discouraged that I could never recover. But, no, your solution was to put me on 3 months TV restriction, until the next report card. Did you honestly think that would help me understand multiplication and fractions?
When high school came around, why did you discourage me from going to college? Why did you refuse to help with filling out financial aid and application forms? When I told someone my dream of being a physician’s assistant, why did you laugh and tell everyone, “She’ll never make it”? Why did you make it easy for my sisters to go to college and refuse to help me?
What was so different or unlovable about me? Why was I your target? I think I could have peace in my life if I just understood your reasons and motivations. Unfortunately it’s too late now. I’ll never understand or get the answers I crave. I do try to look ahead and be the best mother to my children that I can be.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Without You
Posted by Anonymous.
I married your ex husband and raised your three children. They were 4,5,and 6 when you left and 15, 16, and 17 when you killed yourself. You left me here holding the bag.
I took you in and made you a part of our family so that YOUR kids could get to know YOU. I raised them as if they were mine and they never wanted for anything. Except for you, that is... You were around in the end but you were more like a favorite aunt instead of a mom. They loved you then and even more now. I disciplined them, taught them right from wrong, loved them unconditionally, held them while they cried over your absence, tried to explain why you left them with their dad, I was everything you didn't want to be.
So why did you do this to me? I never resented you for leaving your responsibilities with me! I loved you as a friend but I loved you mostly because you were the mother of the children that I loved so much. Since you have been gone the two oldest kids will not speak to me any longer. They hate me for doing your job for you.... Your family hates me for raising and loving your children. How could you be so selfish? Were you trying to get back at me for taking your place? What else was I supposed to do? You gave them to me and they needed someone to care for them, so I did.
In the wake of your death, your children have turned their anger on me. It breaks my heart that the children I love so much, resent me so heavily. It pisses me off that you were a horrible mother but now that you are gone, you were the greatest thing that ever lived. Your oldest son wasnt even speaking to you when you died because he was so angry at you. Now he goes around telling everyone what a great mother you were. I wasted the last 15 years of my life raising your kids. I devoted the last 15 years of MY life to YOUR kids! I hate you for what you have done. I regret the day that I ever told you that I would take care of them! This has turned out to be the worst mistake I have ever made. You took a really good thing and destroyed it. But I guess that was what you did best! Destroyed everything good in your life. Yet, somehow, I am the bad guy! How does that happen?
It has been three years and it seems to get worse as time goes by. You took the love that I felt for those kids and turned it into anger, resentment and regret! I took you to get help and you pushed me away. I knew this was coming and I threw my hands up because I was so frustrated. I am so sorry I didn't try harder to save you. Maybe if I had, "our" kids would still love me. But, what's done is done, and your kids are lost in this world without you and now without me. If I could go back in time, I would NOT do this over! I hope you are happy where ever you are! Just so you know.... we are anything but.
I married your ex husband and raised your three children. They were 4,5,and 6 when you left and 15, 16, and 17 when you killed yourself. You left me here holding the bag.
I took you in and made you a part of our family so that YOUR kids could get to know YOU. I raised them as if they were mine and they never wanted for anything. Except for you, that is... You were around in the end but you were more like a favorite aunt instead of a mom. They loved you then and even more now. I disciplined them, taught them right from wrong, loved them unconditionally, held them while they cried over your absence, tried to explain why you left them with their dad, I was everything you didn't want to be.
So why did you do this to me? I never resented you for leaving your responsibilities with me! I loved you as a friend but I loved you mostly because you were the mother of the children that I loved so much. Since you have been gone the two oldest kids will not speak to me any longer. They hate me for doing your job for you.... Your family hates me for raising and loving your children. How could you be so selfish? Were you trying to get back at me for taking your place? What else was I supposed to do? You gave them to me and they needed someone to care for them, so I did.
In the wake of your death, your children have turned their anger on me. It breaks my heart that the children I love so much, resent me so heavily. It pisses me off that you were a horrible mother but now that you are gone, you were the greatest thing that ever lived. Your oldest son wasnt even speaking to you when you died because he was so angry at you. Now he goes around telling everyone what a great mother you were. I wasted the last 15 years of my life raising your kids. I devoted the last 15 years of MY life to YOUR kids! I hate you for what you have done. I regret the day that I ever told you that I would take care of them! This has turned out to be the worst mistake I have ever made. You took a really good thing and destroyed it. But I guess that was what you did best! Destroyed everything good in your life. Yet, somehow, I am the bad guy! How does that happen?
It has been three years and it seems to get worse as time goes by. You took the love that I felt for those kids and turned it into anger, resentment and regret! I took you to get help and you pushed me away. I knew this was coming and I threw my hands up because I was so frustrated. I am so sorry I didn't try harder to save you. Maybe if I had, "our" kids would still love me. But, what's done is done, and your kids are lost in this world without you and now without me. If I could go back in time, I would NOT do this over! I hope you are happy where ever you are! Just so you know.... we are anything but.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
I Had A Friend
Posted by Anonymous.
i had a friend i used to work with. we saw each other every workday. we would go to movies together on the weekend, or maybe just sit and listen to music.
then she moved to the next state over. we still talked a lot by phone. she would come and visit me. (i wouldn't visit her because she lived with her son, his wife and their daughter. i just didn't feel comfortable going into that situation.)
then i moved 2 states away from her. whenever i call her, i hardly ever get a response. she remembers to call at birthdays and some holidays, but not just to say- hi, i was thinking of you, how're you doing. we do exchange gifts at birthdays and christmas.
but i would like a friend who would call me instead of me always calling her. i would like her to initiate the contact. and every time i think of letting her know that i want out of this relationship(?!), she does call. so i think -i'll give her another chance.
i don't make friends easily. in fact she is my only friend (!?). that's one reason i keep hanging with the (?) relationship.
do i let go or keep trying?
i had a friend i used to work with. we saw each other every workday. we would go to movies together on the weekend, or maybe just sit and listen to music.
then she moved to the next state over. we still talked a lot by phone. she would come and visit me. (i wouldn't visit her because she lived with her son, his wife and their daughter. i just didn't feel comfortable going into that situation.)
then i moved 2 states away from her. whenever i call her, i hardly ever get a response. she remembers to call at birthdays and some holidays, but not just to say- hi, i was thinking of you, how're you doing. we do exchange gifts at birthdays and christmas.
but i would like a friend who would call me instead of me always calling her. i would like her to initiate the contact. and every time i think of letting her know that i want out of this relationship(?!), she does call. so i think -i'll give her another chance.
i don't make friends easily. in fact she is my only friend (!?). that's one reason i keep hanging with the (?) relationship.
do i let go or keep trying?
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Gutless
Posted By D
So I write this letter to you. You Gutless Cheating Coward.
Once again you were busted. The funny part is, I knew already. I knew her number where she lived and her name. All the while you thought I knew nothing at all. Do you really think I am that stupid? I guess you do, and that is a shame. I knew about her just like I knew about the others. And you only have yourself to blame. With your constant lies and attempts at deception. Did you not think I would see her number on the bill? And all the text between you both. You denied and said you had no idea who was calling but yet you were on the phone with this person for hours at a time.
But the real kicker was when we were driving home together and she called. Driving home after a lovely dinner. After I told myself, I will let this go, we are a family and we will get through this. That she did not matter, that you loved me and that was all that mattered. You got to love bluetooth technology, 10:46pm at night on a Saturday and she is calling you. The look on your face was priceless as you said you had no idea who would be calling at this hour. All the while I sat there and watched you try to spin your web of lies. You are pathetic!
The worst was when we got home and I confronted you about her, told you I knew everything. I thought you would pass out on the kitchen floor from shock. You actually thought I had no clue, boy were you wrong.
And when I handed you the papers with not just her name and information, but the names and information of the other ones, you were stunned.
Tired of your lies. Tired of your deceit. Tired of your disrespect for me. And just tired of you.
So I write this letter to you. You Gutless Cheating Coward.
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