Needing Strength: An Update

An update to the post 'Needing Strength; Needing Mom,' by Anonymous.

It was really helpful to write this post when my mom was diagnosed and I thought it might help to post an update. My mom passed away the day after Thanksgiving after a torturous 2 1/2 months of "treatment". She opted to try a clinical trial since she had also seen her brother die from pancreatic cancer and wanted to help others. I was so proud of her and of course it was her decision to make, but looking back I really think the drugs expedited her decline. I have so many regrets and such extreme sorrow, it's sometimes hard to keep breathing. I feel bereft and unmoored and yet all I can do is keep moving every day.

My brother and sister and families came in for Thanksgiving and were staying at my house and we were hoping that my mom was going to be able to visit (she was in a care facility to get some IV antibiotics for a blood infection). Thanksgiving morning she was taken to the ER because she had chest pains. My sister, brother and I spent the whole day with her there and she because increasingly disoriented. We didn't know if this was because of the pain medication she was being given, her dehydration or that she was really declining. Our hospice organization sent a nurse and that was the first time someone said that she might not make it through the night. I was in utter shock. Against my better judgement, I was convinced to go home and eat dinner with our spouses. After dinner, I was getting ready to go back down to the hospital to spend the night with my mom. I was in the bathroom on the first floor when I heard screaming and my nephew shouting that Dusty had hurt Lily. Dusty is my sister's dog and Lily is my two year old daughter. I raced out of the bathroom to find that Dusty had bitten my daughter in the face because she was playing with a bone and Lily tried to take it. We called an ambulance and took her to the nearest hospital (not the one my mom was in). She had 6 stitches (luckily the dog had not gotten any of her major facial features, but she had puncture wounds in her cheeks). To say I felt like a horrible mother is an understatement. Of course, I spent that night at home with my daughter and my sister stayed with my mom (the dog went to my mom's house-that's a whole separate story). The next morning, my sister called at 6am and told us that we should get down to the hospital.

My mom died before we got there. I never got to say goodbye. The only thing I am thankful for is that she never knew that her beloved granddaughter had been hurt. I am trying to get back to "normal" becaues I feel like that's what is expected of me, but I feel like the world is incredibly unsafe. Every time I look at my sweet girl's face, I am reminded of everything that happened. She is a resilient and wonderful girl and will likely heal completely, but I still can't believe this happened to her and that my mom is really gone. Thank you for this forum - I am having a hard time sharing these things and feelings with the "real world".

Why Has No-One Invented Sat-Nav* For Moms?

Posted by MummyMania.

After months of hint-dropping – and running empty on present ideas – against my better judgement, I bought my dearly beloved a Satnav* for Christmas. Unable to cycle to work anymore, he’d bought his own car and I thought at least I’ll be blissfully unaware of the new woman in his life. But a bit like Princess Diana said, there are now three people in this relationship. Not content to confine the maddening mumbling map to his own car, he brings it into mine whenever we travel en famille.

Her irritatingly banal BBC news voice enters the vacuum of our car, disallowing any real conversation and coming between us like a filling in a sandwich.

I wouldn’t mind if we genuinely needed directions. I wouldn’t even mind if I was a rubbish map reader. But we don’t. And I’m not. Still, every journey now is delayed for ten minutes while he studiously enters in the digits of our intended destination (which is only 2 miles away down a straight road…), and then we spend the next 40 minutes being dictated to by a disembodied fishwife telling us every .2 of a mile to turn left, turn right, go straight, go here, go there. Go to Hell I want to yell, but I try to accept this new marital relationship with some dignity, even while she is leading us on a merry dance round the most circuitous route known to man (and woman).

The first time we used it, it duly took us to Bridewell Lane. Unfortunately it was Bridewell Lane in a different town to the one we wanted. As I bore into him with that well-perfected, raised-eyebrow look of disgusted condescension, he muttered something about using proper postcodes and cheerily reset the damn machine to start the farce again.

Seriously… under what other possible circumstances would a man enjoy – nay, love – being dictated to by a stern humourless woman he doesn’t know??? Ok, let’s not go there.

So with conversation impossible, and the kids screaming in the back from being strapped into their carseats for an illegal amount of time while Bossyboots in the corner drove us all round the bend, and another, and another… I got to thinking. Why hasn’t someone invented a Satnav for mums? Let’s face it. When you first bring your babe home from hospital, who wouldn’t pay their life’s savings for a kindly voice in the corner telling you when to feed the baby, when to put the baby to sleep. Make a cup of tea. Sit down. Phone your mum to come over and do the ironing. When to pick up the baby. Dress her in warm clothes – no, not that silly, the pink one! Hold her silly, she’s crying. No, not that way – over your shoulder, she needs winding. Do you know nothing???

On second thoughts…. Maybe not.

*Satellite Navigation - like a GPS system, but with a British accent.

Dance In Puddles, While You Can

Posted by MummyMania.

Yesterday a close friend of my husband's died.

Just like that.

He was 39, funny, caring, outrageous, and kind. He leaves behind a shattered wife, and the two loves of his life - aged 3 and 18 months. Yesterday, in a moment of freak accident, as his snowboard careered off the edge of a mountain in brilliant sunshine and glorious surroundings, their young lives changed forever. His exuberance for life was only matched by his adoration of his girls - girls that will now grow up without him to hold their hands, to dance in puddles, to shout "Daddy, Daddy" when they find a ladybird in the garden.

I know his wife, his many many friends, and his family will make sure those beautiful girls grow up surrounded by the best memories of their dad they can offer. And despite my lack of religious belief, I know - because it can be no other way - that he will walk beside them every step of their young lives.

Last night my husband broke down as we went in to check on our own girls. so precious. So beautiful. So needing of us. So let's cherish them. Let all of us who have them, cherish them.

Lets make sure we hold their hands, dance in puddles and chase ladybirds in the garden. We must, not only because we can, but because we owe it to those who can't.

Cannonball Run (Not So Fun)

NEED BOOB HELP.

(tapping out SOS furiously.)

Not The Life I Want

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear Everyone,

Please stop asking me how I am. I know this is a nice thing to do, and I appreciate that you are just being polite, but my supply of "Fine, thanks. How are you?"'s is expired, and I don't want to have to tell you the truth. I don't think you are really interested in how overwhelmed I am and the vile ways my body is revolting against me. You don't want to hear about the clumps of hair that I watch go down the drain every morning and the bald spots that I'm left with, or the heavy pressure in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. You can't handle the fact that my eyes well up with tears 25 times per day for no apparent reason and even I don't understand my shocking mood swings. I can't bear to tell you how my joints ache or that I've been getting unexplainable nosebleeds. You don't even want to know the disgusting, frightening dreams I have at night, or how I wake up sweating and panting and screaming. How it takes me thirty minutes to get out bed every morning and I often find myself crawling back under my twisted sheets just moments after I've finally found the energy to leave them. How I can sleep for eight hours in a night, then take a three hour nap in the afternoon, and slumber for ten hours the next night and still wake up utterly exhausted. I don't want you to know that I fall asleep mid-sentence while reading to my daughter every single night, or that my short fuse has caused me to yell at her for no reason more than once in recent weeks. I don't have the words to explain how it feels to be failing at the one thing you are good at-mothering. I am ashamed to admit how lonesome I've become. How much I need a kindred spirit. And how sorry I am that I can hardly bring myself to be happy for the people I love and admire with out feeling sorry for myself.

If I told you the truth, you would not sympathize. You would chuckle, uncomfortably probably, and avert your eyes. But you have a good life! you would say. And you would be so right. My daughter is amazing, joyful. Perfect. My fiance loves us both boundlessly, even though she held my heart long before he came along to make our family complete.

Everyone hates their jobs! you would explain, It's the American way! And maybe you are right. But it is not my way. It is not the life I want. To send my daughter to spend her days with someone else, while I toil away at a desk, wasted, wasting....it is unbearable. To brush my lips against the cheek of the man I love in the morning and not see him again until the next because my eyes started drooping before he could even get home from work at night...it is miserable.

You're so young, you might reason, it'll get better. To that I say--too young. I am twenty three. I am too young. These are the feelings of a very old woman, wise and wrinkled, who has suffered her whole life. And--will it? When? How? At what cost?

I don't expect you to have the answers. I don't expect you to understand. I don't want to burden you with the truth. So if you see me, just smile and nod. Or give me a thumbs up, a high five. Or, if it's easier, cross to the other side of the street and bury your face in the newspaper.

Just, please, don't ask me how I am.


Sincerely,
Me

My Way Is The Right Way

Posted by Anonymous.

I am at a crossroads or so it seems to me. I am just so
irritated by my husband. Little things he does or doesn't do
drive me up the wall. It makes me insane and freaking crazy. It
has gotten worse since we had a child. Many things about him
would bug me before, but, it seems worse now. Things that were
endearing drive my crazy. When he is away, and then returns
(gone for a week recently), it is worse then ever as I feel my
routine has been completely disrupted. Sometimes I feel complete
rage and others I feel extreme disappointment. I know that my
rage and emotions are completely misdirected and
disproportionate. I know that logically but sometimes I just
feel out of control.

He works in an industry where he works very long hours for 2-4
months and then has 2-4 months off. He is off now, and so am I
as I am on mat leave which is probably why it irks me even more
lately. And I bug him incessantly, I ask him did you do this,
why didn't you do this, why do laundry and not put it away, why
look at the internet without checking email and the job lists,
why did not empty dishwasher when feeding the baby, why why
why?? He accuses me of being critical and controlling which has
some truth to it. But he rarely will pick a fight nor will he
take my bait for a fight, so we both stew, and stew, and stew,
and I think it is impacting our relationship, our life together
etc. And I don't know what to do.

We have a good life, relative to many people in the world. We
own a house (well the bank does), we have some investments,
although we are cash poor at the moment. We go on vacation on
occasion, we have a beautiful and healthy child. We own STUFF
like books, TV, computer, camera, furniture etc. We have lots of
food in the freezer and cupboards. We have friends. We have
supports of family members. We own a car. I have a regular very
secure job. His work is more unpredictable but when it is good,
we go on vacation, buy more STUFF etc. I like my life. I like
structure, routine, calendars, lists, that things have a place
to live (like scissors, and tylenol, and the heating pad). I
like that my house is tidy and clean, that I can be anal but not
completely crazy. My house can have toys scattered around, and
there can be crumbs on the couch, table or floor, and I will
still let you come it and visit! I am a weird dichotomy between
order and chaos. I like that I can be flexible and spontaneous
and spur of the moment, but I also will schedule social events
and visits or else I know there are some people I would never
see if I left it to spontaneity I am a complex organism but I
like things to be organized. I worry and get anxious when things
are in chaos. For example: If the mail doesn't get opened the
same day it arrives, to me, it is the end of the world (I know
it is not but that is the way I feel).

The problem probably is that I am "perfect", "right", "my way or
the highway", "I know best", "I can do it better / faster /
cheaper". I like my life to be structured and organized
therefore I am the one that does all of the following in our
household as that way I know it is done "right" and that it will
get done:
menu planning
grocery shopping
personal hygiene shopping
household item shopping
all comparison shopping to ensure the best buys
gift buying and giving
writing thank you notes
sending christmas cards
organizing parties, dinners, events
sending out invites
maintaining photo albums (baby book etc)
pays the bills
manages the money
researches and manages all RSP, RESP, mutual funds
sorting and organizing child clothing and hang me downs
buying clothing as needed
opening and sorting mail
filing important papers and making sure that they are organized
maintaining car insurance / house / life insurance
maintaining regular oil changes
organizing all our income tax including stuff for him being
"self employed"
managing the health and welfare of pets (nails being clipped,
rabies shots, etc)
remembering when it is garbage day / recycling day
knowing when there are appts and ensuring we get there when
scheduled
knowing when we have social commitments and ensuring we get
there
etc etc
you get the drift.

My husband and I share the housework - like vacuuming,
bathrooms, shoveling snow, yard-work, he does all DIY stuff. I
do more tidying and every day things and he does more bigger
things like vacuuming etc. And he is good about that when he is
not working. He does things in weird order sometimes, and starts
something and doesn't finish it, and then starts something else
before finishing the 1st thing (which is not the "right way" to
do it!). But overall I can't complain in this regard even though
I do find reasons too.

The thing that bugs me most about him is he can't do multiple
things at a time. I used to find that cute and endearing but now
it makes me blind with anger. For instance in the morning, I get
up give baby a bit of a bottle, let her play while I empty
dishwasher, make tea / coffee, make breakfast and feed the dogs.
When I sleep in (as I go to bed later), the hubbie feeds the
baby, and then she is watching tv while he is on internet, or
sometimes he is playing with her. He can't manage to do all the
other morning things that need to be done. He doesn't comply
with my schedule of how things are done, and what is the right
way. And it drives me crazy. I see it as a personal attack and
as his way of trying to upset me or piss me off when in reality
it is just his way of doing things.

When I work so hard to make sure we are financially ok, that we
have cupboards full of food, and money for the future when we
retire, and life insurance for our daughter, and when I ask him
not to spend more then $100 from his account b/c there are
things coming out of it, then he goes and spend $150 and there
are overdraft fees, or bounced cheques. I see this as a complete
lack of respect for what I try very hard to do. I see this as a
personal attack on me and the way I run our household. And I
have talked to him about it a million times. When we don't have
lots of money, I make sure I eat before I go out so I don't have
to spend money, he never thinks of that til he is in the car or
getting headaches from starvation. I even will pack myself a
sandwich when I go out sometimes. Even though lately I haven't
gone out at all.

When he is out of work for 2-3 months and knows he needs a job
sooner then later (especially now since I am on mat leave and we
are living on one EI cheque and our line of credit) he does not
look on Tuesdays at his emails for the job lists he gets sent as
the first thing he looks at on the internet, it bugs me. He
doesn't put it as a priority when in my mind it is like one of
the #1 things on the "to do" list of the day. And I can't wait
for him to take his time and look, I want him to do it right
away and now. I bug him instead of letting him wait and check
on his own accord like on Thursday. Part of that is my anxiety
about money and being ok. But I take personal offense from his
lacksidasical attitude about it. Particularly when I feel like I
work HARD to plan our future together as a family and feels like
I am not asking much in return.

He is great in many other ways. Like he can make my daughter
laugh like it is nobody's business. He will feed, bathe, change
diapers, look after baby on his own so I can do stuff or go out.
He can make me cry when otherwise I would not (don't you know
crying is for sissy's?). He will support me in any project or
task that I want to do. He doesn't fight. He is a family man and
puts the needs of child and us ahead of his own (most of the
time). He gets up at night. He is sensitive and kind. Everyone
in my family and circle of friends love him.

And I am worried. Anxious. Scared. What is going to happen when
I go back to work?? How am I going to manage the entire
household and then some and work full time as well as be able to
spend time with my beautiful daughter?? How can I let go of some
of the control without feeling completely out of control? How do
I get him to change ha ha? How do I get myself to accept him the
way he is? How do get my extreme and disproportionate emotions
under control? How do I stop nagging and bugging and bite my
tongue?

Of course though, I know I am "right" though. How do I stop
having to be right all the time and being so childlike when I
don't get my way?? How do I repair the hurts that are felt on
both sides at moment and let our relationship be more light
hearted and fun rather then like a list of things to do?

And how do I admit that maybe there are some things that I am
wrong about.........because I don't want to appear weak and have
this be about me, as it is about us. Us, me, him, and a baby.

Fair Weather Friends and Broken Hearts

Posted by Slackermama.

I've hinted at this topic before on my blog, but I've always known that I would have to give the topic a good "airing" out. Mostly because whenever I think of it, a nasty taste fills my mouth and I start to feel my "Grinch-ometer" start to skyrocket. And ya'll, that's not good. I don't want to have such negative thoughts. And now with the New Year upon us (or after us since I've put this off so long), I'd really like to put this behind me once and for all. Of course, the best way for me to exorcise these demons is to blog about it. I've always been the sort that achieves the best therapy through writing and this is no different. The only reason I haven't blogged about this before now is because I didn't want to hurt feelings. The reason I have my blog in the first place is to talk about things in my life that are important to me and this is important to me. I can't really worry all the time about if feelings will be hurt, because it only results in my own feelings being hurt. Which would be tolerable, except that after my feelings are hurt then my family members' feelings are hurt. And that, well, let's just say that it's a deal-breaker for me.

I tried to speak about some of these issues before, back in August. But feelings were hurt and in the interest of keeping peace, I removed the posts from public viewing. Apologies were made profusely, by me, and I hoped that the bygones would soon be bygones. But, you know, I don't think they are. I don't think the bygones have EVER been bygones. People SAID the bygones were bygones, but I happen to think that actions speak louder than words in most cases and the actions have told me that I am VERY much still in the doghouse.

Let me backup. Some of you are probably scratching your heads going, "Wha?" This involves my friends. These are friends I've made recently and my son goes to school with one of the women's kids and is friends with him as well. It's a "group friend" sort of thing and as of last spring, was one of the best things in my life. See, Kile and I have lived in Reno for a long time but we've never had really close friends. No one we've ever felt we could really count on. No BFF's forever or anything like that. We've had plenty of friendly acquaintances, but no one who will stick through us in thick and thin. We've always wanted friends, but it's harder to meet people when you're an adult. When I met these women, I felt like this was a great opportunity to finally have some close friends that I could hang out with, laugh with and rely on. And for quite a while, that's exactly how it was. It was GREAT. Our husbands even enjoyed hanging out together, which thrilled me to no end. The kids liked each other, the husbands liked each other and we liked each other. Couldn't get much better. I was really happy to finally have friends and they seemed to genuinely care about me and my family.

I'm not sure exactly what changed. Or when it changed. It may have started around June. Not for me, as I was still in "Blissful Ignorance Land, a place I often find myself in situations like this. But things did change that month and I definitely can't hold that against my one friend. She had just had a baby and that was a huge shift in her life. The boys were out of school for the month so I didn't see a whole lot of either of my friends that month. But then, there was VBS. I'm sure you remember me talking about VBS. I didn't really want to help out with it, because working with kids makes me nervous. It's definitely NOT my calling. But I fouled up and I didn't tell my other friend that I didn't want to do this. Which is definitely what I should have done. I fully admit that was my bad. I handled it all really badly and flaked out terribly on my friends, leaving them to deal with a lot more than they would normally have had to. I worried that my one friend was really upset with me. She assured me afterward that she wasn't, and I apologized anyhow. I thought the issue was over but I wonder now, here on the other side of things, I don't think it was. I think my friend was upset and was trying to let it go but never did let it go. I hope that makes sense to you all.

July was pretty good, as I do believe my friends were trying to let the whole VBS thing go. The boys started school that month, we went to many awesome drive-in movies and we had Liam's birthday party at my friends house and had a great time too. As far as I was concerned, VBS was ancient history. After all, there wasn't anything for me to be upset with anyone about as it had been pretty much all my fault. And no one else seemed too mad at me so I let it go. I went to BlogHer and while I was gone, my one friend watched Liam during the day for Kile so he could go to work. That was such a lifesaver.

I came back from BlogHer and it was nearly August by then. Harry's friend had had a birthday party a day or so before and reportedly there was a lot of leftover pizza. A casual invitation was made for us all to come back that next day and have pizza. After Kile picked me up, he called them to check on what time we'd be getting together only to find out they had made other plans instead. Fine, whatever, I was beat anyhow and just took a nap instead. But I could tell Kile was disappointed. Again, it was something I didn't really focus on until future situations caused me to reflect on it. Not a big deal by itself, but when combined with everything else, it forms a pattern. At school that Monday, I was probably a bit quieter than normal. I was still tired from my trip, reeling from the events in Chicago (so much fun!) and just feeling vaguely off. I remember wondering if I was coming down with a cold or something. My friends asked if I was okay and I told them I was because as far as I knew, I was. This general mood continued for the next week or two and I stopped wondering about a cold and started wondering about depression or something. My moods were definitely down and lot more unpredictable than they normally are. I wondered if it was a really bad case of PMS, because it was reminiscent of something like that. But I'd never had really bad PMS before and couldn't think of why I'd have it now.

My one friend's son had a birthday party one weekend in mid-August and I was really looking forward to the opportunity to hang out with my friends and have a good time. But when we got there, I could tell I was still feeling rather moody. And I did try to keep my mood to myself as best I could. After all, this was a child's birthday part and a moody grump like me had no place in an event like that. I was also feeling rather tired, another recent occurrence and by the end of the evening, I just wanted to go home and put my feet up. I also wanted to leave before my moods got the better of me and I did something really awful and hurt someone's feelings. Kile took me home and then returned to the party to play Wii and hang out and I felt myself calming down as I relaxed. I wondered if I should have gone to the party at all, the state I was in. My one friend called to check on me, worried about my exit and wanting to make sure everything was okay. I assured her that I was okay, just didn't feel in the mood for socializing at the moment. No worries. And I figured that was that, but apparently, it wasn't. The next day was another birthday party, my other friend's littlest son and we went to that as well. I was feeling a lot better and actually had a great time at that party. I thought my one friend might have been a little quiet with us, not as friendly as she might have been otherwise. But I had no way of knowing if that was because of something I had done at the party the night before (Kile seemed to think not) or if because of something else that had nothing to do with us. I chose to believe the latter.

That evening, Harry talked to us about his friends sometimes calling him names or being mean to him. We had a frank discussion about what he should do in those situations, trying to bolster his confidence in himself and assuring him that he should come to us if he found himself feeling uncomfortable. We wanted to be sure to deal with any possible situations right away, before they blew up into giant problems that would cause a lot more damage if gone unchecked. I thought would be the best thing to do in order to preserve friendships. I just didn't know that my new resolve would be called into service quite so soon.

The next morning, when I went to my one friend's house to walk the kids to school, I found she was again being a little stand-offish. So I did start to wonder if indeed it WAS me. All this was running through my head on the walk down when Harry came to me, crying. One of the boys had called him what Harry considered a bad word. Now, you have to understand that Harry is pretty puritanical yet about such things and what he thought was a bad word was actually pretty mild. (It was "butthead", by the way) The way he was acting, you would have thought one of them had just shot his dog. But what I thought was important was how he felt. He felt very hurt and being my boy (and my baby, besides being almost 8 years old), I wanted to help him anyway I could. He told me he would like it if I would pick him up in the van after school and then drive him down to school the next day. I never had the impression he wanted this to be a permanent change, but that he felt he needed the time away from the "walking down to school" routine. Since I was already thinking that perhaps my one friend was upset with me, I thought it was probably a good idea. It would help things calm down, perhaps. Then, in a couple days, it could all go back to normal. Problem solved, right? I told my one friend when we got to school my plan to pick up Harry and drive him to school the next day. She seemed maybe a little surprised, but otherwise showed no concern. She didn't ask why or seem upset by it so I figured she took it at face value. See my problem here? I don't play "politics" very well, I don't read between the lines well and I don't have good people-reading skills. It's just an empirical fact. I tend to wear myself on my sleeve and I wrongly assume others do too.

When I got home, I was still feeling moody (yes, STILL... you think I would have caught on by now) and starting to take it out on the month itself (nope, NEVER done that before). And, as I've said before, I like to use this blog in order to air my feelings so that they don't fester and to work through my feelings. So I wrote a post about what happened on the walk to school, among other things and expressed my interest in August being over as soon as possible. That was pretty much it. After I wrote it, I felt a lot better (which was the point in the first place) and put the matter out of my mind. That is, until a couple hours later when I found a comment from my other friend. And she was MAD. She said that I had called her son a bully (Hu-wha??), that I had been rude at the birthday parties over the weekend (Okay, maybe the first one but the second one??) and how I had abused their friendship so horribly. I honestly felt like a knife had been shoved into my heart. Was this a joke? The level of venom in that comment was mind-blowing. I cried. I read it again a while later and cried again. I didn't know what to think or what to do. What had I done?? Had I done anything? I couldn't think of anything and I couldn't understand why she was SO mad at me. That night I got an email from my one friend's husband where he basically read me the riot act. I felt like a kid in school, getting her hand slapped by the principle. I felt shamed and I still wasn't sure what exactly I had done wrong.

I talked this all over with my husband at great length. I told him how I wished that my other friend had emailed me her concerns rather than commenting. If she had emailed me, I could have addressed her concerns and if necessary, removed the post on the spot. As it was, other people had seen the post and her comment and had replied in my defense. God bless them for it too because while these commenters may not have gotten it all straight, I was just SO happy to have someone on my side for a change. I did take the post down that night, as I promised my one friend's husband I would. What else could I do to make things right? I wasn't just concerned for my own friendships, but for my son's friendships as well. My other friend wouldn't reply to me, and my one friend's husband (just him, she didn't email me at all) kept insisting that I had hurt her feelings so badly that she was just devastated. And indeed, I felt very bad for hurting her but what about MY feelings? I felt absolutely CRUSHED through this. I was crying all the time, on top of this nagging moodiness and just felt wretched. No one, save my own husband, seemed to care about that. Seeing as how as I was being viewed as the "perpetrator", I guess I can understand why.

Kile was sympathetic to my plight, but aggravated by my constant moodiness and interested in finding out once and for all WHY I was this way. He got a pregnancy test on the way home from work and promised me when he delivered it into my hands that if I wasn't pregnant, he was taking me into the doctor for a hormone test. Because something was the matter. This wasn't normal for me. Still, I was STUNNED when the pregnancy test came up positive. And I felt like it answered EVERYTHING. Kile did too, and interested in finally clearing the air with my friends, he emailed them the news that I was pregnant. Surely this would give them a reason for any fishy behavior they may feel I'd been exhibiting, right? And good friends cut each other slack on such things, right? Especially if they just found out they are pregnant.

Only? Not so much. No, they were still pissed at me. And again (for what, the 10th time that week?), I was crushed. This was a miraculous event for me. Anyone who knew me at all knew that getting pregnant this way was nothing short of an act of God and something I would have loved to share with my dear friends. I wanted to be excited and I wanted others to be excited with me. What I got was more angry emails and more cold shoulders. I felt abandoned. I felt that maybe this friendship had been all in my head. That I had imagined the closeness. My heart was, quite literally, broken.

The olive branch was finally extended later that week. And even then, even when I tried to explain my situation as best I could and how I never meant to hurt any feelings, I was told that there were still hurt feelings and that it would take some time before trust would be regained. I figured it was better than nothing and against my better instincts, decided to just turn the other cheek and let it go. It was more important to me to try to preserve the friendship at that point. I've never been one to be interested in holding grudges anyhow.

We never did have it quite as good as we did back in the spring, but it was better. I felt I could relax again at last. My one friend didn't have me over very much anymore, but she had her hands full with the day care she was starting up so that didn't bother me too much. Things were going okay, which was more than I could have asked for back in August. October was another month off for the boys. We had talked before they went on break about having a Halloween party for the kids at my one friend's house at the end of the month. We had done one the year before and the kids had enjoyed it so much. We also made tentative plans to have a couple play dates during the month to keep the boys sane. Well, the play dates didn't happen, but that wasn't too surprising. After all, life goes on. Harry went out of town for a time, and then my one friend's family went out of town for a while and that's how it goes. My other friend called towards the end of the month to touch base and she mentioned the Halloween party. She said that she figured the party would be happening on the Tuesday before Halloween but wasn't sure of any other details. Before we hung up, she assured me that one of them would call me either that weekend or Monday and let me know the final details. Great! It was a plan. Harry had been pestering me about it and I could finally tell him that YES, the party was going on on Tuesday.

I saw my one friend with her family at a local restaurant on Saturday night. I didn't think to ask about the Halloween party or I would have. We just made a little small talk before heading to our own table. I realized later that they were probably eating out for my friend's birthday which was in a day or so and I probably should have wished her a happy birthday. But... I kinda suck that way. I don't think on my feet too well and I missed an opportunity. I figured I would give her my birthday wishes at the Halloween party in a couple days. The weekend ended, however, with no phone call with party details. And then there was no call on Monday. Strange, I thought. But maybe they got busy and forgot. Surely I would hear something come Tuesday morning, right? Especially once they saw I didn't show up and realized that no one had told me when to show up. Right?

Yeah, not so much. I had to tell Harry that I didn't think the party was happening. The only thing I could think was that someone's kid was sick and the party had to be canceled. I thought it was strange that no one called me to tell me, but then I didn't get a call with details either. And I do realize that I could have called and asked what was up. But a) I am not good with making phone calls, avoid it like the plague and my friends know that and b) I didn't text either because I didn't want to "pester". It wasn't my party to hold and if there was something to tell me, I figured the hostess would let me know one way or another. Harry was DEVASTATED, of course, as only an 8 year old can be. I felt pretty bad but didn't know what else I could do. I think he held out hope that maybe the party was just postponed and would be held later on in the week. I told Kile later in the day about the lack of party and he too thought it was odd. Only, he doesn't have my hangups so he texted my one friend and asked her about it. And she texted him back that there HAD been a party that day. But that since I didn't show up, they assumed I wasn't feeling well. End of story.

When I heard this I felt a wide variety of emotions. I felt anger (no, make that FURY), disappointment, sadness, guilt, and hurt. Oh, the hurt. See, I had to tell Harry that there HAD been a party and we had missed it. And I had to watch him cry because he missed out on something he had been looking so forward to. And yes, I did wonder if I should have checked sooner. But that led to the anger and hurt. Why hadn't they called me?? My other friend had said that one of them would. And when they saw I didn't show up, why didn't they call me then? If they thought I wasn't feeling well, well, wasn't that worth a call to see what was up? Wasn't I worth at least that much from them?

The answer came to me plain as day and twice as ugly: Apparently, I wasn't. After all, friends who cared about me would have certainly called me at one point or another. They would have noticed and cared that I wasn't there. And they didn't. They didn't care about me and this apathy had led to my child's feelings being hurt. I didn't know what else to think. And I honestly think that's when I gave up. Kile pleaded with me to keep relations nice. Harry's birthday was coming up in a week and he was worried that any friction might interfere with the birthday plans. Kile also wanted to spend Thanksgiving with our friends who had earlier invited us to their house that day. We got an invitation from some of our family members who live down in Sacramento for Thanksgiving and we normally would have gone. They had a new house that we were interested in seeing and my parents would be there and it would be fun to see everyone. BUT, we had made these plans and Kile really wanted to follow through with them. I was a bit nervous about relations, considering the Halloween Snub, but ultimately agreed. I "let it go" yet again (though felt considerably more wary), and relations seemed to be okay. No one even mentioned the Halloween party, which I didn't even know what to think of that. But, whatever. Like I said, I think I was through caring.

And Thanksgiving went really well. We had a great time over at their house and they were the perfect hosts. The kids had fun, the adults had fun and I really felt like it was a little taste of what things used to be like. We had tentative plans to do dinner for Christmas too, since both of us don't have any family in town and were planning to stay in town for the holidays. And Kile had been talking for MONTHS about having them over for New Years Eve. See, Kile's idea of the perfect New Years Eve is to have friends over for a very fancy dinner, followed by games or movies until "the ball drops". He's wanted to do this for years, but we've never had really good friends we could do that with. This, he figured, was his chance to fix our friends a fantastic dinner, use the nice china and really do it up. He was already planning out the menu, even. Not my cup of tea, as I mentioned in my "Anti-social" post, but I was excited for him. And it would be nice to have New Years plans.

Shortly after Thanksgiving, Harry told us he wanted to take the bus to school instead of walking down. This is something we'd been talking about for a long time. Probably since he started school back in kindergarten. But with the new baby on the way, we'd been talking about it a lot more. It had pretty much been decided that he would start taking the bus when the baby came, because it would be way too much for me to lug the two kids down in the van twice a day when the bus basically drops him off and picks him up at the bottom of the street. Then, my mom would get after me on the phone whenever we would talk about it. She would urge me to get him on the bus this winter, so that I wouldn't have to worry about the snow and ice on the way down to school. Given my past history with ice, she was worried I would fall on the ice, wreck the van or SOMETHING. Even though I've done this in previous winters and previous pregnancies. But, whatever. Still, the deciding factor was Harry telling us that he wanted to take the bus. It was ultimately his decision. I want that to be clear as crystal. Neither Kile nor I in any way influenced this. Neither of us influenced either him wanting to walk down by himself just a week later (sob!). I let my friend know that he was taking the bus. This bus thing started up amid some pretty nasty weather and with her day care business, my friend wasn't able to walk down as much anyway and was having her son get rides to school fairly often. There was a time or two that she forgot to tell me that her son had a ride and it caused some confusion. This way, it would be one less thing for her to worry about. I wouldn't have to drive down in the mornings either, so it was a win-win situation.

At least I hope so. There has been a play date since then where us friends got together on a half day and the kids played and we had lunch and had a great time. No one seemed upset with me about the whole bus thing so I counted that as a bonus. However, there haven't been any play dates since, but it is the holidays and people do get busy. So I don't read too much into it.

Now, my one friend did let me know at this play date that her husband had decided they would go down to his mom's house on Christmas day and stay there for about a week. She told me this after I asked she would like us to bring over for Christmas dinner. Okay. So I guess that meant we were on our own. No biggie though, we've been on our own before. We would just buy our own dinner fixings and do it up ourselves (which we did and it was marvelous, btw). But later on, after I'd gone home, I thought about New Years Eve. It sounded as though they planned on being gone through New Years, though I hadn't gotten any confirmation on that. Still, I knew that New Years Eve was not going to happen. Kile was upset upon hearing this, but I think he held out hope. At least, he did until recently when he finally emailed my one friend's husband to ask about New Years Eve and was told that, yes, they would be out of town.

I figured as much, but Kile was pretty disappointed. And I felt disappointed for him, because I know he was looking forward to it. And I think he felt abandoned. Like his New Years plans were good enough until something better came along. So I suggested that instead of staying at home and doing our own New Years thing like we always end up doing, that we go to Elko that weekend and visit his family. So that's what we're doing. We're going on Sunday (that's the plan right now at least, we'll see what the weather does) and will come back on the 2nd. No use in sitting around here feeling sorry for ourselves. We're going to go out and have plans, darnit. One way or another.

So yeah. Feelings have been hurt. Theirs and ours. And I hope this (extremely long-winded) post gives you a look at something that has been bothering me lately. This is everything as I remember it, as I felt it and from my perspective. I don't know if any of these involved parties will even see this post. I don't really mind if they do or if they don't. I didn't write it for them, I wrote it for me. I needed to get this off my chest. Kile worries that if they do see this, that it will impact Harry's friendships. I'd like to think we're all adult enough for that not to happen. And I hope that they can understand my need to talk about my issues on my blog. They haven't understood it in the past, unfortunately, but I can't really say that that's my problem. No disrespect meant at all. I just need to be able to feel like I can speak my mind here, in this cozy forum of HBM. And maybe now some of you understand why I feel hesitant about friendships. Once bitten, twice shy and all of that.

No Pregnancy Glow

Posted by Anonymous

*Update below*

I really want to write about this on my own blog, but I can't. I normally post on my blog daily, but I have been so bummed I have not done anything with it since mid-December.

I found out on December 7th that I am pregnant with baby number three. THREE. A number I did not think was going to be in my vocabulary describing my family. I had sold the pack n' play on Ebay, gave away almost all baby clothing to friends and relatives, and was ready to donate or freecycle what I had left that people I know did not need. December was a month spent mostly in shock of my situation, (getting pregnant while not missing one single pill!) and when I wasn't thinking about it I was really, really nauseous. I never throw up, but just feel gross and have lots of heartburn. At the moment my salad and chicken I had for dinner is erupting into my esophagus. And I am so tired I fall asleep when I sit down to play with my kids on the sofa.

A small part of me is excited, but most of me is dreading being pregnant, and dealing with waking up every 2-3 hours to nurse this baby once he or she is here. I dread dealing with another episiotomy healing, having no sex life, bleeding for 6 weeks, and being fat. Maybe I will be more positive when I don't feel sick every day. I was not this sick with baby number one and two. I had major PPD after my second child, and I am already feeling depressed just thinking about how exhausting having 3 is going to be. I am one of those people that was never into babies. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids dearly, but I am not one to ask to hold someone else's baby. After I had my second child and he woke up EVERY HOUR at one point, to nurse because of his acid reflux, and would not sleep because he was in pain every time he was put on his back, I started to be repulsed by infants. I wouldn't even go near my infant nieces and nephews. I have really begun to enjoy not carrying a diaper bag with me everywhere, and like not needing a stroller if I go out with my kids. I love that my kids play together and I don't have to be on top of them, I love not needing diapers.

I am afraid mostly because I think back to when I had my newborn son and my 18 month old daughter way back when, and I ended up having suicidal thoughts. I was so exhausted I got mastitis twice in a month, with a fever over 104. I was at the lowest point in my life, beyond exhausted, dealing with a child that would not sleep because he was in pain, and having to take care of a toddler still in diapers. The only thing that helped was time and eventually going on Prozac. Sleep deprivation nearly killed me after I had my son.
I am just hoping this time is easier.

Thanks for listening.

UPDATE: Anonymous has just discovered that she is, in fact, carrying twins. So these will be babies THREE and FOUR. (Biggest hugs to you, Anonymous.)

His 'n' Her Bad Mother

Something else that we learned from the test results:

What To Expect When You Think You Maybe Want To Be Expecting

Posted by Assertagirl.

For someone who was determined to remain child-free, I sure do have a lot of baby on the brain. Someone offered up a copy of "What to Expect" on Freecycle, and I jumped at it. It's sitting here on my coffee table, beckoning, filled with facts and secrets I haven't been privy to because I'm not a mom. Yet.

I really didn't expect to feel like this but I have come through something in the last year, gone through some sort of metamorphosis. I'm not sure but I think my new-found longing to become a mom myself has something to do with having figured out some important aspects of my own relationship with my mother. Ever since I came to the realization that It's Okay to Put Me First, I've felt more like I want to have a baby. It's ironic, I know, because becoming a mother means that you basically never get to put yourself first again, so maybe it's more that it's okay to put My Family (those of us who live together under the same roof, day in and day out) first.

I've been reading mommyblogs for awhile, but they suddenly have new relevance, and hold a new fascination for me. I can learn from the mommyblogs. I can feel more prepared for the road ahead. I feel like these fantastic ladies and their endless stories, good and bad, are an amazing resource, and I know that no matter how tough it gets (and it will get tough), I will have company.

I wish that I could write more openly about these feelings on my personal site, but I'm not ready to expose these thoughts to my family members who might read it. I almost have enough to say about this that I could start a separate blog, but I don't want to go that route, because I am not two separate people. I'm still me. With options!

Five Minutes To Never

Posted by Anonymous.


The wineglass is at my side. I've had some already. Here is my deepest
darkest secret, the one that will make you hate me.

I am 48 years old and I have never had a boyfriend.

Not one. Not even close. Not like guys were asking and I said no.

No matter how bad your situations are, I hear you thanking God you're not me.

I've never been loved, never been in a relationship. In fact I can
think of precious few occasions that could even have been called
dates. I've had sex with six or seven people in the past 28 years,
depending on how you define sex. Most of these were one or two times.

The older I get, the more I keep thinking about never having had a
boyfriend, but then I look in the mirror and see the cellulite and
sagging and wrinkles, well, it is clear that if the window of
opportunity for getting a boyfriend hasn't closed, it will very soon.
I couldn't get one even when I was young and hot, and here I am now
five minutes to never. Which is why I can't stop thinking about it
now, but I have no idea what to do about it or if it is even possible
to do anything.

Why? is the question I have been asking myself my entire adult life.

You don't know me, so let me say I am not a total loser (total losers
have boyfriends) though my face is ugly. I am not fat and am tall,
blond, blue-eyed, and very fit. I do not smell and I don't have three
hands. In some ways I am like many other adults. I have supported
myself since age seventeen, graduated from college, bought a house,
invested, raised a child (from a one night stand) by myself, have
written books, do public speaking, dress well, drive a car, travel,
enjoy lots of sports and when you meet me you don't say "What the hell
is wrong with her?"

It's as if I am a radio that works perfectly well but can't tune in
one frequency that all other radios get. That frequency is sexual
relationships. Since about age 20, I have thought of myself as
asexual. That doesn't mean I don't want sex or physically can't have
it---I've had painfully passionate sexual attractions to men all this
time and still do
It means that I lack completely sexual attractiveness and competence.
This is so even though in my day I had an absolute killer body (and
have the photos to prove it) and the remnants of it are still visible.
It takes much more than a perfect body to have relationships---in
fact, I'm not sure the body is that important. Why have I never had a
boyfriend?

Here are my theories:

1) My face is quite unusual, if not ugly. It is decidedly
asymmetrical. The two sides don't match at all. My nose is large and
decidedly crooked but more, my entire face is crooked. Eyebrows aren't
level, mouth and chin are lopsided, etc. At 17 I had a failed
rhinoplasty which did give me a kind of placebo effect for a while. I
felt more attractive and become much more outgoing. I did meet a lot
of men back then. I tried my heart out to get a boyfriend at that time
of my life when I was in college and at my most attractive, and
failed. (In other words, if the problem wasn't my face, it should have
been solved then.)

There is a lot of scientific research about facial symmetry and how
humans are hardwired to look for it in sex partners and mates (without
even being aware of it). It may be that the marked facial asymmetry
simply repels people, sending the unconscious message that I am not in
the category of a possible sex or relationship partner.

I am considering plastic surgery which, this late in life, would have
to include a face lift. At best it could straighten my nose but there
is no way to make my whole face symmetrical. If I don't have the
surgery, how will I ever know if my fact is the insurmountable
obstacle to ever having a boyfriend? Wouldn't it be tragic to never
have a boyfriend if only about $6000 of surgery could get me one?

2) It is possible I have the equivalent of Aspergers (high level
autism). I never learned the social skills most other adults learn in
high school, since I pretty much spent those years hiding in the
bathroom and never talking to anyone. I find that for the most part,
people just don't like me, and in order to have any kind of human
relationships at all I have to work very hard, and still have little
to show for it. The fact that I have never ever had a job where I
worked with people, and so don't meet anyone, doesn't help. Mostly
when I try to make friends they don't last very long. The effort I put
it is not enough and the other person is not willing to make the
effort to sustain the relationship. After all, it's hard when you
don't have any opportunity to interact with people spontaneously and
must make appointments to do so. The problem may be less that I can't
get a boyfriend than that I lack the social skills and/or strength of
personality to get any friends at all. (I don't have much in the way
of personality, I admit. I have many good qualities, but they're all
under the surface and it takes a long, long time for people to see
them, and furthermore they're the kind that make people admire you,
not like you. But hell, don't other women with no personalities get
boyfriends?)

In case this is the main problem, I have contacted an Asperger's
therapist and will look into seeing if it is possible to learn basic
social skills at age 48. It's less that I believe in Asperger's or
think I "have" it than a practical strategy: where else will you find
someone to teach you social skills? If this worked, I wouldn't need
plastic surgery. But what if I need both?

3) I have asked people who know me well (both back in my 20s and
today) if they can explain why I can't get a boyfriend. The most
common answer, by far, is that I send out "vibes" which keep men (and
lesbians) away. No one has been able to give me specifics. I don't
know what I can do about possible "vibes" I am not aware of sending!
Other answers: I am cold; I am "unhuggable." I was actually shocked
when I was told this. Is it possible to be so unaware of something
about yourself that is obvious to the rest of the world? And if
you're so unaware, how can you change it? And even if you are aware,
if you don't know the reason you give that impression, how can you
change it?

4) There may be no reason at all. I never had a boyfriend because it
just didn't happen. Is that possible?

I am so confused. Maybe I have been misled by Hollywood screenwriters
and there are plenty of other perfectly normal 48-year-old women who
have never had a boyfriend and never will. I have been made to feel
like a freak, like I am the only person in the world in this
situation; but is this true? How can I find out? If there are others
like me, how would I find them? Is there somewhere I can look this up?

Is it not having a relationship that is so troubling, or feeling like
a freak? But how can I know when I have never had a relationship and
don't even know what it's like?

Do I really want a boyfriend because I want one, or because I have
been made to feel that a relationship is the central, defining,
critically important experience for any human being to have, and that
without one you are not fully human? Come on, you cannot breathe in
this culture, cannot turn on your TV or go to the movies or read
anything without feeling the constant pressure to be sexual. And from
Disney movies onward, the message is drummed home: Love is the most
important thing in life.

I would hate to go to my grave without ever experiencing the most
important part of life. If it is indeed the most important, I should
do everything in my power to get it before it's too late, no matter
what the cost. At least that's what Sleepless in Seattle and every
Hollywood movie ever made tells me. How can I separate out what I
really want and what the culture relentlessly pressures me to want?
How can I want something I've never had?

At the very least, I am so-o-o-o-o-o-o curious about what it is like
to be in a relationship.
And I want to have sex again before I die. I can't tell you how much I
want that. I think about sex constantly. I've gone as long as 13 years
without it. It sure doesn't seem bloody likely it will happen again at
my age with my cellulite (formerly great) ass.

What should I do? Is it possible to learn how to get a boyfriend at
48, or should I just give up and accept that I am not a sexual person?
(There would be some relief, and integrity, in that.) How can I know
why I never had a boyfriend? Am I just plain too old to be even
thinking about men anyway? How can I stop? The only way I can think of
that I could ever be at peace would be if someone came up to me and
said I was not alone, that X% of women never have even one boyfriend
in their entire lives and that it is OK and normal. Even if it was
only, say, 10% of all women, I would not feel like the onliest,
loneliest one. But there is no such person who can tell me that!

Wal-Mart: A Rant

Posted by HopeRadio.

I went to Walmart tonight.

I hate Walmart.

I hate the lights.

I hate the oblviousness you see in the eyes of people as they shop.

I assume they are thinking the same thing.

I assume, given they are not looking out of watchful eyes-- only glazed over ones, they have succumbed to hating Walmart a long time ago and have given up so...why fight it?

I try to go in to this store at a good clip. As if by bringing up a full head of steam, my chances of not coming out of there a pod will be greatly increased.

I steel myself in the parking lot, grab a cart and bless myself. Well sometimes I bless myself. Other times I scan the parking lot for the cars of people I least want to run into...this step varies and is dependent on my level of sleep deprivation, prolactin and other hormonal fluctuations brought on from hitting 40 soon. No matter the digression, I contend Walmart is the most likely place to run into people you least want to run into. It's some sort of universal truth.

Another universal truth about Walmart is that at Walmart I always see the same things.

Women screaming at their children with bulging eyes. Demanding that they "get over here right now!" Said children walking over and from their expression simultaneously wondering why they are being called stupid for not getting over THERE fast enough. Who walks up to a bulging eyed, madwoman for the imminent smack, willingly? That would be...like--stupid, but not nearly as stupid as the same maniac showing the love in front of 15 or 20 people assuming the whole time their invisible button is switched to ON.

I pass children in baby carriers screaming for their mothers, who with one hand mindlessly pat their foot, telling them "oh, you're alright" while with the other debate between the three pak of Irish Spring

or the six.

I wait behind people from church who stop in the middle of the aisle to talk about their Dillon or Courtney and why they are never going to leave the house or get out of jail or take care of their children as well as they do.

I pass racks of girls children's clothes which suggest that the age for general prostitiution has been lowered--a decision reached by some mysterious, unposted consensus and collectively forwarded to Walmart buyers.

When in Walmart I don't look up.

Ever.

I am absolutely certain should I ever actually risk it, I will see the no hack dementors they have hired at a bargain outta Azkhaban to swoop around and suck the life out of people when they least expect it. I would bet the only problem HR had was getting them to wear the blue vests.

You can sell ANYTHING to the soulless.

Inevitably, no matter what pace I start the shop, it is a very short time in before the very air in that place starts soaking into my skin, wieghing me down.

Then there is checkout.

Just in case the dementors don't get you, Wallyworld architects leave the checkout lane all buffed up super duper and ready to recieve anyone on the brink of stuffing a feeling with candy or in sore need of escape from whatever bit reality they have managed to hang onto,"Holy crap is Brittney looking fat or what???Damn... I can't believe she actually lost her kids!!" As a matter of fact not only can it be a nice escape for some, but that kinda shit does much for self esteem.

I call checkout time my lala time only I don't stick my fingers in my ears. I also don't look at the flat screen tvs which discuss the merits of Slim Fast or at the big boxes of honey buns conveniently flat packaged so they can be slammed under a seat or bed to be binge eaten at a later time.

I concentrate instead on the people around me.

I make up stories in my head about who they are, I organize my crap on the belt and ready a check-- anything to convey how ready I am to get the hell outta there. I do whatever I have to do to avoid looking up and to keep from soaking up too much Wallyworld lest the dementors take a liking to me.

Pretty/Unpretty

Posted by Anonymous.


For a flirty girl, I never felt very pretty. I was one of those girls that was just sort of there, friendly to everyone; never a threat to the other girls, because the boys never really considered me as dating potential. I wasn't ugly, but being good looking was an afterthought (as in "Oh, she's such a sweetie, and she's really funny. Is she pretty? Yeah, I guess she is. I hadn't really thought about it")

I met my husband when I was 20, and was just coming off of a really bad time in my life. We've been together through job searches/changes/losses, through health scares (mental and physical). We've had over ten years of marriage, three children, the buying and selling of two houses. He still makes my heart jump when I see him in a tuxedo, and he likes the way I look in my low rise jeans since I made a decision that I needed to start exercising more.

But there's this guy at work. I thought the initial attention was what I had seen so much of in high school and college- more of the joking flirting that happens when both parties don't actually expect anything to develop for real. But after a few drinks together at a conference, he told me that he was willing to take things wherever I wanted them to go. Whether I wanted to leave it at a few cocktails when we were two time zones away from the office, or whether I wanted to take it to another level. And, then at least, I was too taken aback to even consider the options.

And more than a year has passed. We've had happy hours where we've barely spoken two words because there were so many people nearby. We've had highly charged chats where the only thing holding us back from making contact was the fear of someone walking into the cubicle. A few weeks ago, we ended up at a co-worker's party, each of us alone (his wife and my husband both declined to attend due to work commitments, but encouraged each of us to go on our own and have fun.) We left the party as part of a small group, but lingered together for awhile before parting company, and we went out for drinks last week, just us, to a bar near the office, but in the opposite direction from the regular haunts. He's put the offer on the table, if I want it, that we can go away overnight and he will take care of the details under whatever cover story I want to use. But I'm not there.

The reason I need to get this out, the things I can't say on my own blog, have nothing to do with needing advice about what to do. Because, seriously, I know how much I have to lose and what I can't do. What I need to pour out is my frustration, my anger, and my disappointment that no matter what happens now, things have changed. It was flattering to have someone find me attractive just because. Not attractive, despite having given birth three times. Not attractive with the strings of having taken care of him when he's sick and supported him in his career. Just attractive. Period. For a couple years, there have been people who hinted at us having chemistry between us. But because there is that chemistry, we have to avoid each other. The interactions I have with other people in the office, the jokes and the smiles and such, can be perceived differently now. So, whether I do something that could damage my marriage or whether I don't, I've lost a friendship because of what it might look like.

And that is a bigger blow to my self-esteem that being the "not pretty" girl ever was.

Mother, Love.

Posted by Anonymous.


How long do you allow yourself to stay angry at a family member before either taking it on or letting it go?

Should you let it go?

I've been angry with my mom for a very long time. For dozens of things, big and little. Nothing really damaging, nothing that's really a relationship-breaker, but a whole lot of frustrating stuff, spread over the years, that's been weighing on my heart. Some stuff that's stupid, some stuff that's not so stupid, but all of it selfish - all of it having to do with ME wanting my MOM, wanting her to be more overtly caring, more solicitous, more eager to be a mom, and not just a friend. Wanting her to want to do those things - to come visit, to see her grandchild more often, to spend more time, to spend more attention. To be the mom that I want to be to my children when they're grown, and they need me, like I need my mom, sometimes, now.

She and I have spoken about these things. She thinks that I'm being silly. She does love me, she says. She'd do anything for me, she says. But she wouldn't, I know that she wouldn't, I know that she wouldn't even do anything that put her out too much, unless it was really dire straights, and that hurts.

Am I silly? Should I just let it go, and just love the mom I have, and stop wishing for the mom that I lost long ago?

No Love, No Reason

Posted by Anonymous.


I've been married for eight years. We have two beautiful children and a comfortable life. He is not a bad person. He doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, hit me, cheat, spend hours in bars or looking at internet porn. He's a good guy, he can make me laugh, and he loves me. The problem is that I just don't love him anymore, and honestly, am not sure if I ever really did.

We got married young, not an excuse, just a fact, and I'm not sure if the circumstances had been different if I would have ended up married to him. I was young, had made a mistake, and was trying to prove to everyone, and myself that I had done the right thing. It was also an issue of security. I felt like I had no where else to go, and did not want to be alone.

After our oldest was born he became very resentul of the time and attention that she took away from me. I feel like that for the past several years he really has not been there for me. He worked alot, and I spent many nights alone with the baby, and she was not an easy baby. I had thought he would be such a great dad. He wanted kids, I wasn't so sure, so I expected alot from him and when he didn't deliver, I think it really hurt me. He also said some very hurtful things to me in those years. I really thought about leaving him when she was a baby, but I wanted another baby so two years later our son was born and it was pretty much the same story. I was the sole parent, anything I asked him to do was a chore and I felt bad for it. He never got up in the night, never did baths or feedings, he spent a lot of time away at work or in front of the TV.

We've talked about all this, been to counseling over it and the way I feel about it, but it's pretty much just my problem. He understands that I feel that way, but he doesn't agree with it, and I just have to get over it. To his credit, he has made an honest effort to improve over the past year, but he still isn't the husband
and father I thought I was getting. I have to give him credit for trying though.

Now, ten years and two kids later, I don't know what to do. I've been to counseling, we've been to counseling together. I have told him how I feel, but he just does not accept it. He says that he can make me love him, he thinks that because we don't fight everything is fine. When I have talked about leaving he called be a selfish ***** and reminded me of everyone I would hurt by leaving, our families, the kids, him. So now when he asks what's wrong I just lie and say nothing, because he doesn't want to hear the truth anyway.

I wish I had a reason to leave. Everyone thinks he is great and I'm so lucky, so they wouldn't understand. If he would mess up just once, I could leave, I could justify a divorce, but the way things are now, I can't. Life isn't horrible, it isn't good, it just is. I have my kids and my home, but I don't have a partner, a companion. I dream about a place of my own, just me and the kids, where I could do what I wanted, decorate how I wanted, cook how I wanted.

Why can't I leave? Why can't I bring myself to stand up to him and just tell him that I can't do this anymore? Why am I so worried about doing the wrong thing and what everyone else would think? Also, I hate to disrupt my kids' world. They are young, 5 & 3, and I hate to tear their lives apart on a whim. I don't want to waste my life unhappy when I could have a shot at being happy by myself or with someone else.

Other than more counseling, any advice? Has anyone been in the same situation and what have you done? Am I just being selfish, idealistic? Are all marriages like this after awhile?

Is It Wrong...?

Posted by Anonymous.

Is it wrong that I have, on very bad days, on sick days, on tired days, TRIED to get my child hooked on television?

Is it wrong that I have, on a very few occasions, let her eat onion rings dipped in ketchup?

Is it wrong that I sometimes let a wet diaper diaper go a bit longer than it should before changing?

Is it wrong that I just don't feel like going to the park some days? MOST days?

Is it wrong that I am sometimes a really, really lazy mom?

Am I a bad mom?

Dear Mom

Posted by Charlene.

Dear Mom,

Has it been three years since you left us so quickly? How is not possible they never saw you had an AVM but knew of everything else that was wrong with you? It does not seem possible but then I realize I’m still harboring feelings of guilt, sadness and anger regarding your death. I wish I could get past these feelings but I can’t. I guess this is the way to handle it and work through these feelings and then maybe let the flame go to a flicker.

Let me tell you about the guilt side of things first and then we will work through the rest of complaints. I have guilt I was not there when you started feeling bad and I could not fight with you to go to the hospital. This was our way of dealing with your health issues. A mother and daughter showing who had the stronger will on what was needed at the time. Dad and I usually won the battle for you getting well but not without a fight from you. I wonder if I could have saved your life. I have guilt of having to tell your baby that mom collapsed and they are taking her to the trauma center over the phone. I wish I could have told her face to face but as the primary caregiver to many things were happening to have those few moments. I wish I had to time to call your parents to let them know what was happening but I chickened out and left it to your brothers. I harbor the guilt that your son did not get to see you before they took you to surgery. The anguish on his face sticks with me today.

The sadness is you not getting to know your grandson. You had five precious months with him but it was not enough for me or him. Also, you have not seen your granddaughter turn into such a lovely girl. You probably have been looking down and laughing at the antics that your grandchildren do but you are not here to witness the joy they provided us. I’m sad that I can not call and confer with you when I’m having parenting issues. Dad does ok but you were the one that could talk sense into me. You were the queen of how to handle children without being too stressed out. I wonder how you did it because there are days I struggle.

The angry side is going to be short but vicious. Your family is/was obnoxious through the process of losing you. They never extended themselves when we were in the depths of our despair. I could have used help but they did not make them available. I finally figured it out that is the way they work. Also, it is wrong of you to hide your baby’s drug problem. It came to light after you passed and know has created much tension for all of us. I want to call you and say how dare you but you would defend her as mothers do.

I guess I should stop rattling on and let you know I still love you. That these feelings will dissipate one day but they still burn on with me. Hopefully, the burning slows to a flicker not a flame. Also, I’m not sorry about telling your oldest brother to put the phone away or I was going to put it where the sun does not shine. He deserved it when he crossed the line of calling everyone that was not family. I get told I’m like you more often than not. I take this as a compliment because you taught me right from wrong and how to defend my actions. I hope you are enjoying having your mom with you because I know she has missed you the past three years. Tell her we love her. I will see you one day.

Love, your Daughter

Charlene

Mother Trouble

Posted by Anonymous*

I tried to ask for financial help from my mom... I'm currently earning $10 per day (that is due to demographical reasons, I'm not in U.S. and she is) I asked her for like $200 atleast.. I know it is much. she's earning more than $20 per hour... and that is not my point. That is her money. I just don't want her to say that THE ONLY WAY SHE COULD HELP ME IS WHEN SHE DIES AND I GOT TO HAVE HER INSURANCE BENEFIT. It hurts so bad, God knows that I am not looking forward to it.. and I just needed a little help. She could have just said NO or just ignored me... I couldn't wait the day I could give her money, and can afford a vacation for her at my expense and show her that if ever I would be successful, I wouldn't be like her... how I wished I could afford an insurance and make her my sole beneficiary and that I would be the first to die so she can benefit from my insurance. I wanted to say to her that she could erase my name from her insurance, even if I am her only child, but it would hurt her.. but why does she keep on hurting me while I am asking for help? I have never been a burden to her.... it hurts so bad... I wanted to die.

*originally posted as comment to Her Bad Anger.

Working Hard For No Money

Posted by VioletMama.


We are the working poor. Trying SO hard to get ahead, or even caught up, but can't. This is what we have doomed ourselves to. I don't want it to be this way. I hate being broke. Every week, we go through the same thing. Do I pay the credit card, or buy food? Do I pay medical
bills, or pay rent? Do I pay utilities, or buy my meds? It shouldn't be like this.

We used to be doing ok. After our 2nd child, we had a bit of a problem, but got caught up, and pretty much stopped creditor calls. Then, we moved. and got pregnant. High-risk pregnancy = bills not covered by insurance. Then MAJOR emergency dental work. Now we are back to square one, or even negative. Creditors calling, threatening letters, no money.

I just want what is best for my kids. We've given up a lot. My 2 little guys no longer go to daycare, as we can't afford it, the only reason we have phone, internet & cable is that it is offered for FREE as part of my husbands benefits package. I work when my husband is at home, so that we don't have to pay babysitters. I shop on sale with coupons, and buy clothes either on clearance or at thrift stores. And it's still not enough.

Bankruptcy is not an option. The sad thing is that our debt (besides our car payment) is less than 12,000 and we still have no way of paying it. Our families can't help, we make too much money to quailfy for public aid. I'm scared. I hate feeling worthless, and stressed all the time. I hate telling my kids no. I hate never having anything for myself. I hate never seeing my husband. I hate having no one to talk to about this. I just don't see a way out, and it's killing me.

Finding Friends

Posted by Kendra of Heart Wide Open.


Throughout my life, I have always had 1 or 2 very good friends. The type of friends you can sit and be silent with or laugh until you cry. Since graduating from college 3 1/2 years ago, my friends have scattered all over the country and a few outside the country as well. We see each other a few times a year. We email daily and we talk on the phone. I miss them. But they are in grad school or just starting out in their jobs. They party every weekend and don't understand that I don't do those things anymore.

I got married 2 weeks after graduating college and I love my husband very much. He has been my best friend for 6 1/2 years. His friendship was enough for me for a long time after college. We have an almost 1 year old daughter. I love the life I have, but something is missing. We moved 2 years ago to a small town in the midwest. It's the type of town where pretty much everyone has been there since they were kids. They grew up there and somehow I don't quite fit in, which is weird to me since I grew up in an equally small town an hour away. I never realized how easy it was to be accepted because you had lived there your whole life. I joined a volleyball league and a bunco group, but I have no close friends like I did all my life up to this point. I don't know why, but lately it seems to be all I can focus on, the not having close friends, especially the last few days. I've talked to my husband about how I feel, but he doesn't know how to help me. I tend to be shy at first when I meet people, which I've worked very hard to over come, but still it is there.

I seem to be at a loss on how to cultivate a good friendship, someone I can talk to about anything and have their understanding. My husband is my best friend, but he is a guy and doesn't always understand the things like a girl friend would. I work 40 hours a week, so I don't get to attend group things with my daughter where I might meet other moms my age. The two women I occasionally do things with have formed their own friendship and do things together every day while I am at work. They know each other inside and out and when I am with them I feel like an outsider. I don't blame them for that, I am just as bad about not inviting them to do things.

How do you find friends? Why can't I be happy with the wonderful life I have? I love my husband and my daughter and I wouldn't trade my life for anything (well except being rich enough that I didn't have to work). Why is this lack of friends so important that it is all I can focus on? Writing has been my outlet and I didn't feel I could post this on my blog. Since I started my blog when I was pregnant, it didn't seem like the right place to air these feelings, even though my blog has become as much about me as my daughter. I'm hoping that just writing this down will help me focus on the positives in my life, like my family. I'm not really looking for answers to these questions, but wanted someone to know how I felt and maybe hear that someone else has the same problems.