Posted by HBM.
I have a secret. I can whisper this secret to you, my friends, because that's what we do down here. Tell secrets. Share stories.
I told a story over here, at my sweet friend Leah's house. I'm a little embarassed by it - a lot embarassed by it, tho' the embarassment is bracing, and good - which is why I'm only whispering about it, here, in the dim light and shaggy comfort of the Basement. It's a story from when I was young, very young; from when I didn't know any better, as they say. From when I was striving to know better - about love, about life - and was confused. It's almost painful to look at, but it's honest, and it is - it was - me.
Go, see, and tell me what you think.
But be gentle.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Friday, August 03, 2007
Gray: How Do You Love (The Same Person) Again?
Posted by Anonymous.
As it is with many other bloggers, I’m depressed. Not suicidal, but I’m in a funk. I blog as part of my therapy, which also consists of antidepressants and behavior modification. I don’t deal well with ambivalence and gray areas. Right now I’m in that murky zone, and would appreciate any well thought out insight/advice/ food for thought, especially from you readers who have had experience.
Oh and by the way, I searched all through the Basement and couldn’t find a query exactly like mine. That’s why I’m here.
OK, here’s the gist: I don’t love my husband. I haven’t for awhile. There is no one else in the picture for either of us, that is not the problem. I have a five month old, my first child. I am an older new mom, closer to 40. I work full time outside of the home. My child is teething and not sleeping, so I realize my current mood is affected by sleep deprivation. I know better than to make big decisions on no sleep. But this “problem,” my query, exists even when I’ve got a good night’s sleep.
Here’s why I don’t love my husband: He’s basically a lazy coward. The cowardice is partly due to his innate introversion and shyness. The laziness I chalk up to the fact that his mother did everything for him as a child and expected nothing. Simultaneously, he was just kind of ignored. His dad was in the throes of his career when he was a kid and he was the third, so his dad never really noticed him. It’s like he just sort of floated through childhood almost as an accessory, like part of a backdrop. He was incredibly bright and into books and reading, so he spent the most of his childhood, teen years and adult years living in the top two inches of his head (his brain). His mom, being painfully shy too, never forced him to learn social skills or get a hobby that used his body or forced him to get out of his own head. He did not have to have a part-time job in high school; his parents gave him a used car. You get the idea.
When I met my husband, I was in graduate school, completing my thesis and working part time. He was a college drop out, who had failed several classes and quit his junior year in an accounting track degree. His dad was an accountant. My husband doesn’t love numbers or accounting, he’s into literature and history, but he chose that major for lack of imagination. Or laziness. Also his parents paid for all of his college, so I don’t think he ever had to seriously consider his choice of degrees. Or quitting school.
When we first started dating, his lack of ambition was tolerable. He worked full time at blue collar jobs (a mail courier, clerk, etc.) and never complained about his work. I thought to myself, he’ll get it together. Plus, accounting is lame, I thought, and here is this brilliant guy who is a history and literature whiz, why would he need it? Meanwhile, I completed my degree (which I paid for completely), interviewed in several cities, and took a job in the country’s largest city about 700 miles away. He moved there with me. He worked blue collar jobs while I did the career track and worked my ass off.
At some point along the way, I started wanting children. I was already in my mid 30s by then and we had moved back to the southeast where we are from (I wanted to be near my Mom who I am very close to). We were still unmarried. So I pressured him to get married. He said OK and we got married. That was four years ago. I went off birth control and we didn’t get pregnant. I forced him to return to school and finish his undergraduate accounting degree. It was ugly. As I mentioned numbers aren’t his thing, and he barely passed and got his degree by the skin of his teeth. Since his parents never showed him how to write a resume, or interview, or doing anything remotely related to getting a job, I had to show him all of this. I created his resume, I wrote his cover letters, I checked out the How to Interview for Dummies books at the library.
Two years ago, he got his first office job in the real world as an entry-level accountant. It pays $12 per hour. He’s still there. Yep, sad but true. We are in the southeast where wages are notoriously low, and he didn’t really advocate for himself when he interviewed. It’s a national company that is in a tight industry and barely ever makes a profit margin of more than 10 percent, so raises are far and few between. And there’s no room for moving up, it’s very hierarchical. You get the idea.
He’s always been ambivalent about having children. This didn’t change as my desire to be a parent increased. I guess he didn’t want all the work and hassle involved. Last year I got successfully pregnant after a miscarriage. He had nine months to find something that paid more. I didn’t expect a huge leap in salary, especially in this economy, but still, anything more than what he makes. He never applied or looked during that time, but I would occasionally check his job search engine web sites and apply for him when I wasn’t puking my brains out. The baby was born this February. He had eight weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t interview for anything during that time. Because I am the primary breadwinner (we could live off of my salary alone, it would be tight but doable), I had to return to work when my son was three months old. And here I am now. I’d prefer to stay at home with him.
So every day I go on the job search engines and apply for jobs for him while I’m at my job. He can’t do that at his job, they don’t allow Internet access. He does go to the interviews. But he’s shy and doesn’t take them too seriously, I surmise. When I ask how they go, he says, “We had a good conversation. Or,” it’s an interesting building.” Never does he say, “I really sold myself,” or “they seem interested,” or “the job is interesting.” I honestly think the interviews are his time for adult interaction (as a side note, I have tried to force him to get adult male friends of his own, and he doesn’t).
He is such a nice guy; you’d never suspect that he’s what I’d now call a loser. When his coworkers (all female) threw him a baby shower at his job, they all said to me that he is such a sweetie, so easy to get along with. And I agree. Yes he is. He is very, very sweet and nice and affable and well-mannered and can be very funny. He’s not physically or verbally abusive. He is loving and affectionate with our son. He changes poopy diapers. He reads to him. He plays with him. He loves him and appreciates him more than he thought he ever would. He is no longer ambivalent about his child, he is very attached. But that being said, he hasn’t demonstrated this great love by going out there and being a good provider. He pays lip service to the fact that he doesn’t like it that our kid is in daycare either, but he hasn’t done anything to change the situation.
So. I’m angry. And as an outgoing, expressive person, I express it. I’ve been verbally abusive, which I know doesn’t help, but I’m losing my mind. I’m angry at him. I’m angry at myself for thinking he would change for me, and when he didn’t, then later for our child. I feel like a fool. I feel like I’m one of those asshole idiots who “settled.” I have no physical attraction to him whatsoever. My heart is getting colder to him with each passing day. I fantasize about leaving, and it just being me and my son. I think it would be so much easier to just be responsible for the two of us. I’ve told my husband everything, every detail. He says that no way would he ever grant a divorce (his parents fought terribly but stuck it out, so that’s his model). He also says he still cares about me. He says he’s trying and I should just be patient. But people, I’ve been the primary breadwinner for almost 10 years now.
And I’m torn, in this gray area. I don’t want our son to see a loveless marriage (even if it’s one sided). I don’t want that modeled for him. I want him to see two parents that are relatively happy (content and confident), whether they are married or dating or single or what ever. I realize I could support my son and me by myself. I could leave. But would it be the right thing to do? I want to add that I am not seeking a new relationship for myself, it’s not about cheating or desire at all. In fact, the idea of dating again exhausts me, makes me recoil.
I need insight people because I can’t see the forest for the trees.
Has anyone out there ever stayed AND learned to appreciate, like, and perhaps love the father of their children? If so, how did you achieve it? Part of me wants to like him again, part of me doesn’t have the energy or momentum to try anymore. I don’t think ambivalence is good for children. It’s certainly not good for me.
As it is with many other bloggers, I’m depressed. Not suicidal, but I’m in a funk. I blog as part of my therapy, which also consists of antidepressants and behavior modification. I don’t deal well with ambivalence and gray areas. Right now I’m in that murky zone, and would appreciate any well thought out insight/advice/ food for thought, especially from you readers who have had experience.
Oh and by the way, I searched all through the Basement and couldn’t find a query exactly like mine. That’s why I’m here.
OK, here’s the gist: I don’t love my husband. I haven’t for awhile. There is no one else in the picture for either of us, that is not the problem. I have a five month old, my first child. I am an older new mom, closer to 40. I work full time outside of the home. My child is teething and not sleeping, so I realize my current mood is affected by sleep deprivation. I know better than to make big decisions on no sleep. But this “problem,” my query, exists even when I’ve got a good night’s sleep.
Here’s why I don’t love my husband: He’s basically a lazy coward. The cowardice is partly due to his innate introversion and shyness. The laziness I chalk up to the fact that his mother did everything for him as a child and expected nothing. Simultaneously, he was just kind of ignored. His dad was in the throes of his career when he was a kid and he was the third, so his dad never really noticed him. It’s like he just sort of floated through childhood almost as an accessory, like part of a backdrop. He was incredibly bright and into books and reading, so he spent the most of his childhood, teen years and adult years living in the top two inches of his head (his brain). His mom, being painfully shy too, never forced him to learn social skills or get a hobby that used his body or forced him to get out of his own head. He did not have to have a part-time job in high school; his parents gave him a used car. You get the idea.
When I met my husband, I was in graduate school, completing my thesis and working part time. He was a college drop out, who had failed several classes and quit his junior year in an accounting track degree. His dad was an accountant. My husband doesn’t love numbers or accounting, he’s into literature and history, but he chose that major for lack of imagination. Or laziness. Also his parents paid for all of his college, so I don’t think he ever had to seriously consider his choice of degrees. Or quitting school.
When we first started dating, his lack of ambition was tolerable. He worked full time at blue collar jobs (a mail courier, clerk, etc.) and never complained about his work. I thought to myself, he’ll get it together. Plus, accounting is lame, I thought, and here is this brilliant guy who is a history and literature whiz, why would he need it? Meanwhile, I completed my degree (which I paid for completely), interviewed in several cities, and took a job in the country’s largest city about 700 miles away. He moved there with me. He worked blue collar jobs while I did the career track and worked my ass off.
At some point along the way, I started wanting children. I was already in my mid 30s by then and we had moved back to the southeast where we are from (I wanted to be near my Mom who I am very close to). We were still unmarried. So I pressured him to get married. He said OK and we got married. That was four years ago. I went off birth control and we didn’t get pregnant. I forced him to return to school and finish his undergraduate accounting degree. It was ugly. As I mentioned numbers aren’t his thing, and he barely passed and got his degree by the skin of his teeth. Since his parents never showed him how to write a resume, or interview, or doing anything remotely related to getting a job, I had to show him all of this. I created his resume, I wrote his cover letters, I checked out the How to Interview for Dummies books at the library.
Two years ago, he got his first office job in the real world as an entry-level accountant. It pays $12 per hour. He’s still there. Yep, sad but true. We are in the southeast where wages are notoriously low, and he didn’t really advocate for himself when he interviewed. It’s a national company that is in a tight industry and barely ever makes a profit margin of more than 10 percent, so raises are far and few between. And there’s no room for moving up, it’s very hierarchical. You get the idea.
He’s always been ambivalent about having children. This didn’t change as my desire to be a parent increased. I guess he didn’t want all the work and hassle involved. Last year I got successfully pregnant after a miscarriage. He had nine months to find something that paid more. I didn’t expect a huge leap in salary, especially in this economy, but still, anything more than what he makes. He never applied or looked during that time, but I would occasionally check his job search engine web sites and apply for him when I wasn’t puking my brains out. The baby was born this February. He had eight weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t interview for anything during that time. Because I am the primary breadwinner (we could live off of my salary alone, it would be tight but doable), I had to return to work when my son was three months old. And here I am now. I’d prefer to stay at home with him.
So every day I go on the job search engines and apply for jobs for him while I’m at my job. He can’t do that at his job, they don’t allow Internet access. He does go to the interviews. But he’s shy and doesn’t take them too seriously, I surmise. When I ask how they go, he says, “We had a good conversation. Or,” it’s an interesting building.” Never does he say, “I really sold myself,” or “they seem interested,” or “the job is interesting.” I honestly think the interviews are his time for adult interaction (as a side note, I have tried to force him to get adult male friends of his own, and he doesn’t).
He is such a nice guy; you’d never suspect that he’s what I’d now call a loser. When his coworkers (all female) threw him a baby shower at his job, they all said to me that he is such a sweetie, so easy to get along with. And I agree. Yes he is. He is very, very sweet and nice and affable and well-mannered and can be very funny. He’s not physically or verbally abusive. He is loving and affectionate with our son. He changes poopy diapers. He reads to him. He plays with him. He loves him and appreciates him more than he thought he ever would. He is no longer ambivalent about his child, he is very attached. But that being said, he hasn’t demonstrated this great love by going out there and being a good provider. He pays lip service to the fact that he doesn’t like it that our kid is in daycare either, but he hasn’t done anything to change the situation.
So. I’m angry. And as an outgoing, expressive person, I express it. I’ve been verbally abusive, which I know doesn’t help, but I’m losing my mind. I’m angry at him. I’m angry at myself for thinking he would change for me, and when he didn’t, then later for our child. I feel like a fool. I feel like I’m one of those asshole idiots who “settled.” I have no physical attraction to him whatsoever. My heart is getting colder to him with each passing day. I fantasize about leaving, and it just being me and my son. I think it would be so much easier to just be responsible for the two of us. I’ve told my husband everything, every detail. He says that no way would he ever grant a divorce (his parents fought terribly but stuck it out, so that’s his model). He also says he still cares about me. He says he’s trying and I should just be patient. But people, I’ve been the primary breadwinner for almost 10 years now.
And I’m torn, in this gray area. I don’t want our son to see a loveless marriage (even if it’s one sided). I don’t want that modeled for him. I want him to see two parents that are relatively happy (content and confident), whether they are married or dating or single or what ever. I realize I could support my son and me by myself. I could leave. But would it be the right thing to do? I want to add that I am not seeking a new relationship for myself, it’s not about cheating or desire at all. In fact, the idea of dating again exhausts me, makes me recoil.
I need insight people because I can’t see the forest for the trees.
Has anyone out there ever stayed AND learned to appreciate, like, and perhaps love the father of their children? If so, how did you achieve it? Part of me wants to like him again, part of me doesn’t have the energy or momentum to try anymore. I don’t think ambivalence is good for children. It’s certainly not good for me.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Heartbreak
Posted By Anonymous.
As a person who writes as a form of personal therapy, it has been painful to NOT be able to write about the one thing that is devastating my life right now.
My husband had an affair. Not a physical affair, but in some ways this is worse. He had an emotional affair with an old girlfriend from his college days by email and phone. He alluded to something going on when he mentioned that he had been in contact with an old friend by phone, but when I checked our cell log I realized that they had spoken ever day for two weeks. Sometimes four times a day. For hours. He admitted that he had fallen back in love with her, and even worse, that the love he had for her (in their former relationship) was deeper than the feelings he had ever had for me. But he also realized that the past was past. That this was a fantasy with zero chance of being reality (she is also married with a son), and he ended the relationship completely and says he wants to repair our marriage. He also said that he has been depressed and unhappy in our marriage for some time.
I cannot begin to express in words the pain that this has caused me. I never, not once, realized that there was anything wrong. I honestly believed, to the bottom of my heart, that we were soulmates. That we had the perfect relationship. The very foundation of my world has been shattered.
My husband is a good man, a great father, and he seems genuinely remorseful that things progressed this far. But I desperately want, need, to hear that he thinks that we can move past this, repair our marriage, and be happy with each other. I do not want to lose him, even now. I love him as madly as I did the day we met. But he seems so uncertain himself, so depressed that he can't give me the reassurances I need to hear.
We have a two-year-old son whom we both love with all our being. And we both want him to grow up in a relationship that is happy and secure. I truly want to believe that we can give this to him together. I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix our marriage. My husband sounds so uncertain now that it breaks my heart. He tells me that he is still here. That he wants to try. That he still loves me. But he is unsure that we will be able to recreate something that will bring happiness. I don't know if he is speaking through the lenses of his depression, or from the freshness of having to end his affair, but it is his uncertainty, his ambivalence, that hurts far, far worse than the betrayal itself. It is the fact that he never told me there was something wrong that brings the most pain. I feel I have lost before I have even had the chance to try. I feel like the emotional rollercoaster, the fear and the pain that I am going through right now, will drive him away before we can heal. These are the darkest days of my life.
He has agreed to start counseling, and we are still together, but I could use some hope right now and some help getting through my days.
As a person who writes as a form of personal therapy, it has been painful to NOT be able to write about the one thing that is devastating my life right now.
My husband had an affair. Not a physical affair, but in some ways this is worse. He had an emotional affair with an old girlfriend from his college days by email and phone. He alluded to something going on when he mentioned that he had been in contact with an old friend by phone, but when I checked our cell log I realized that they had spoken ever day for two weeks. Sometimes four times a day. For hours. He admitted that he had fallen back in love with her, and even worse, that the love he had for her (in their former relationship) was deeper than the feelings he had ever had for me. But he also realized that the past was past. That this was a fantasy with zero chance of being reality (she is also married with a son), and he ended the relationship completely and says he wants to repair our marriage. He also said that he has been depressed and unhappy in our marriage for some time.
I cannot begin to express in words the pain that this has caused me. I never, not once, realized that there was anything wrong. I honestly believed, to the bottom of my heart, that we were soulmates. That we had the perfect relationship. The very foundation of my world has been shattered.
My husband is a good man, a great father, and he seems genuinely remorseful that things progressed this far. But I desperately want, need, to hear that he thinks that we can move past this, repair our marriage, and be happy with each other. I do not want to lose him, even now. I love him as madly as I did the day we met. But he seems so uncertain himself, so depressed that he can't give me the reassurances I need to hear.
We have a two-year-old son whom we both love with all our being. And we both want him to grow up in a relationship that is happy and secure. I truly want to believe that we can give this to him together. I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix our marriage. My husband sounds so uncertain now that it breaks my heart. He tells me that he is still here. That he wants to try. That he still loves me. But he is unsure that we will be able to recreate something that will bring happiness. I don't know if he is speaking through the lenses of his depression, or from the freshness of having to end his affair, but it is his uncertainty, his ambivalence, that hurts far, far worse than the betrayal itself. It is the fact that he never told me there was something wrong that brings the most pain. I feel I have lost before I have even had the chance to try. I feel like the emotional rollercoaster, the fear and the pain that I am going through right now, will drive him away before we can heal. These are the darkest days of my life.
He has agreed to start counseling, and we are still together, but I could use some hope right now and some help getting through my days.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Won't You Be My (NOT SO NAKED) Neighbor?
Posted by Sarah.
Hi. This is Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah. I didn't want to publish this on my own site because, well, the bigger my blog gets, the more of my neighbors know about me and read me. I don't think that this particular neighbor knows about my blog, but you can never really be sure. Hell, she
might read the basement every day. If so, she deserves to read this. It is freakish anyway.
I have mentioned my crazy neighbor on my personal blog before, but this one really has me perplexed.
You see, our back yards are connected. She lives on the corner, so her kitchen windows look right into my back yard. Her kitchen table is right in front of sliding glass doors that go on to her deck, and look right into my backyard.
Many times I will be outside and she will start talking to me from inside of her house. That is pretty fucked up. My husbands always says "Why can't she just pretend we can't see inside of her house?"
I think he has a great point.
So, anyway, last night we are having a picnic in our back yard. The four of us barbecued and ate out back. It was a really nice family dinner and my kids were sitting at their little picnic table and having a great time when the neighbor starts talking to us from inside of her kitchen.
I saw a deer in your yard the other day!
(That is fantastic. Now mind your own damn beeswax. We are having a family dinner here)
So, are you eating outside?
This is when she and her four year old daughter both wander out on to their deck to interrupt our meal.
In their underwear.
(I'll let that sink in for a second)
A 40 year old woman and a four year old girl came outside to talk to us in t-shirts and underpants.
Why?
Why would someone do that?
Seriously.
My mind is completely blown. What could she be thinking? I have seen her daughter outside with no pants or underwear on before, but she is just a little kid so I let it slide. Why is this woman coming out in her year to talk to us without pants on?
I appreciate you letting me vent to you. I'm pretty sure she looks through my windows at night and goes through our trash, so I'm not sure SATGS is a safe place to vent about her anymore.
Hi. This is Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah. I didn't want to publish this on my own site because, well, the bigger my blog gets, the more of my neighbors know about me and read me. I don't think that this particular neighbor knows about my blog, but you can never really be sure. Hell, she
might read the basement every day. If so, she deserves to read this. It is freakish anyway.
I have mentioned my crazy neighbor on my personal blog before, but this one really has me perplexed.
You see, our back yards are connected. She lives on the corner, so her kitchen windows look right into my back yard. Her kitchen table is right in front of sliding glass doors that go on to her deck, and look right into my backyard.
Many times I will be outside and she will start talking to me from inside of her house. That is pretty fucked up. My husbands always says "Why can't she just pretend we can't see inside of her house?"
I think he has a great point.
So, anyway, last night we are having a picnic in our back yard. The four of us barbecued and ate out back. It was a really nice family dinner and my kids were sitting at their little picnic table and having a great time when the neighbor starts talking to us from inside of her kitchen.
I saw a deer in your yard the other day!
(That is fantastic. Now mind your own damn beeswax. We are having a family dinner here)
So, are you eating outside?
This is when she and her four year old daughter both wander out on to their deck to interrupt our meal.
In their underwear.
(I'll let that sink in for a second)
A 40 year old woman and a four year old girl came outside to talk to us in t-shirts and underpants.
Why?
Why would someone do that?
Seriously.
My mind is completely blown. What could she be thinking? I have seen her daughter outside with no pants or underwear on before, but she is just a little kid so I let it slide. Why is this woman coming out in her year to talk to us without pants on?
I appreciate you letting me vent to you. I'm pretty sure she looks through my windows at night and goes through our trash, so I'm not sure SATGS is a safe place to vent about her anymore.
Monday, July 23, 2007
And Now, A Word From Her Bad Mother...
Dear Basement Friends
What's that on the sidebar? Over there, at the right? Yep, those are ads. BlogHer ads.
The Basement is now officially part of the BlogHer Ad Network.
I deliberated long and hard about putting ads up here. I didn't do it last year when the BlogHer ad network first launched, because I felt that I really had no license to do so: this is a community space, and I only the moderator. I also didn't want ads to sully the homey-ness of the space. I didn't want the Basement to become the site of a Tupperware party.
But then, over the past year, I realised that I wanted to be able to gussy the place up a little. Get a banner designed, put down some more pillows and throw-blankets and maybe some more teacups. None of which is (for me, anyway, who cannot design or code to save her life) free.
So I've put up ads. BlogHer ads, because I can control what ads appear, and because I strongly support the BlogHer community. Any revenue from those ads will go, I assure you, only to the maintenance of the site (makin' it pretty, maybe moving it to a better blog host, maybe purchasing the domain name). Anything left over, will go to charity. This charity. (You can read about why I support this charity here.)
Think of it as a little community coin-jar. To keep us stocked with tea and cookies and pillows, and to help us make a little difference in the world from time to time.
I really hope that you don't mind. I really hope that you keep visiting, and that you keep sharing your stories.
Thanks for being such wonderful story-tellers, such wonderful listeners, such wonderful friends. And keep those stories comin'.
xo
Her Bad Mother
What's that on the sidebar? Over there, at the right? Yep, those are ads. BlogHer ads.
The Basement is now officially part of the BlogHer Ad Network.
I deliberated long and hard about putting ads up here. I didn't do it last year when the BlogHer ad network first launched, because I felt that I really had no license to do so: this is a community space, and I only the moderator. I also didn't want ads to sully the homey-ness of the space. I didn't want the Basement to become the site of a Tupperware party.
But then, over the past year, I realised that I wanted to be able to gussy the place up a little. Get a banner designed, put down some more pillows and throw-blankets and maybe some more teacups. None of which is (for me, anyway, who cannot design or code to save her life) free.
So I've put up ads. BlogHer ads, because I can control what ads appear, and because I strongly support the BlogHer community. Any revenue from those ads will go, I assure you, only to the maintenance of the site (makin' it pretty, maybe moving it to a better blog host, maybe purchasing the domain name). Anything left over, will go to charity. This charity. (You can read about why I support this charity here.)
Think of it as a little community coin-jar. To keep us stocked with tea and cookies and pillows, and to help us make a little difference in the world from time to time.
I really hope that you don't mind. I really hope that you keep visiting, and that you keep sharing your stories.
Thanks for being such wonderful story-tellers, such wonderful listeners, such wonderful friends. And keep those stories comin'.
xo
Her Bad Mother
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Help Me To Help Her
Posted by Anonymous.
I am feeling completely helpless with regards to my sister and I just
don't know what to do anymore. When we were growing up, we were very
close. We spent a great deal of time together and had many friends in
common, in spite of our 3.5-year age difference (she is older). but
in her senior year of high school, I began to notice we were drifting
apart.
L. - my sister - worked at a nearby restaurant, and one day she told
me that she was sleeping with her boss. I was shocked, because he was
significantly older and engaged to another woman. L. had chosen to
sleep with him because she thought he would "have a lot to teach
[her]," but there was no real affection between them. They were also
reckless about their affair, often having sexual relations in his
office during work. I had no idea where this had come from, but it
proved to be only the beginning.
Over the following years, while she was in college, she drank often
and began smoking pot. She had a series of casual affairs with other
men, and one serious relationship that was extremely unhealthy for
both parties. After college, L. moved to Las Vegas, which I now
consider to be one of the major steps on the road to her current
situation. In the six years since she moved there, she has never held
a job longer than 10 months. Even though she had a college degree,
none of her jobs was good as a long-term career, and none was a
financially great choice, so she wasn't really accumulating savings.
With every job, she would be happy at first, but inevitably she would
begin to complain and look for greener grass somewhere else.
During this time, she was still making terrible relationship choices
as well. She would sleep with married coworkers, uncaring of both the
professional risk and the emotional havoc she was creating in the
lives of others. She continued drinking and smoking pot, often going
on weekend party trips with friends to "drink and hook up." She had a
string of bad boyfriends culminating in a complete scumbag to whom she
even became engaged. He was a compulsive liar, and in the 3.5 years
they were together, he never got a job. He did, however, have
expensive tastes, and L. paid for all his nice things, including a
brand new Corvette. And to afford all this, she let him talk her into
becoming a stripper, and eventually a prostitute.
For ten months she lived and worked at a brothel three out of every
four weeks. And while she was away, this boyfriend/fiance lived in
her house, spending her money and playing World of Warcraft.
Fortunately, she eventually gave up prostitution - turns out working
at a brothel isn't as lucrative as one might think, especially when
your fiance is draining your bank accounts every month. It wasn't
long before she had to file for bankruptcy, but at least that was a
step towards climbing out of her financial pit o' despair. She got a
job managing at a restaurant, which she seemed to enjoy much more than
waitressing. And a few months ago, she even kicked out her lowlife
fiance. Things seemed like they were looking up.
Unfortunately, it didn't last. Almost immediately, L. started
sleeping with her new co-manager R., a married man with a
four-year-old son. He repeatedly promises to leave his wife, even
though she recently became pregnant again (she ended up miscarrying,
though). The two of them - my sister and R. - also occasionally have
sex with one of the female servers at the restaurant, who in addition
to being their employee is also engaged to someone else. L. still
drinks a lot, not only at social occasions, but at work, too. And
about a month ago, she called me up and nonchalantly asked, "What do
you know about cocaine?" Apparently R. and the female server both do
it, and now L. is considering trying it. I was shocked and
disappointed, but L. keeps trying to claim that it's no big deal, and
that this new "relationship" with R. is much healthier than the last.
Then, just a few days ago, she called and asked to borrow $500. She
said she needed it right away, and when I asked for an explanation,
she told me it was bail money for R. He'd gotten into a fight at a
bar and beaten up some guy. While it hurt me to do so, I had to tell
her no, because I just didn't feel comfortable loaning that kind of
money for R. I don't like having to turn down a favor for someone I
love when I have the means to help, but I just couldn't do it. It
upset me so much that I had to call one of my close friends to ask for
reassurance - had I done the right thing?
L. is only 28, so I keep telling myself there is still time for her to
get her life on track and start making good decisions. I'm really not
one to judge her - and none of this is judgment so much as concern.
I've made my share of bad decisions in my personal life, but I feel
like I've acknowledged my poor choices in a way that she hasn't with
hers, and I'm learning from my mistakes where she's repeating hers.
I'm the little sister here - I'm only 25. But I feel an overwhelming
need to help her. To fix her. To *save* her somehow. I can't
imagine ever giving up on her, but I also am getting to the point
where I don't know what I can do anymore. I just love her so much,
and I hate watching her make one bad decision after another. Is there
anything I can do? What would you do?
Thank you so much for reading, and if you have any thoughts, PLEASE
share them.
I am feeling completely helpless with regards to my sister and I just
don't know what to do anymore. When we were growing up, we were very
close. We spent a great deal of time together and had many friends in
common, in spite of our 3.5-year age difference (she is older). but
in her senior year of high school, I began to notice we were drifting
apart.
L. - my sister - worked at a nearby restaurant, and one day she told
me that she was sleeping with her boss. I was shocked, because he was
significantly older and engaged to another woman. L. had chosen to
sleep with him because she thought he would "have a lot to teach
[her]," but there was no real affection between them. They were also
reckless about their affair, often having sexual relations in his
office during work. I had no idea where this had come from, but it
proved to be only the beginning.
Over the following years, while she was in college, she drank often
and began smoking pot. She had a series of casual affairs with other
men, and one serious relationship that was extremely unhealthy for
both parties. After college, L. moved to Las Vegas, which I now
consider to be one of the major steps on the road to her current
situation. In the six years since she moved there, she has never held
a job longer than 10 months. Even though she had a college degree,
none of her jobs was good as a long-term career, and none was a
financially great choice, so she wasn't really accumulating savings.
With every job, she would be happy at first, but inevitably she would
begin to complain and look for greener grass somewhere else.
During this time, she was still making terrible relationship choices
as well. She would sleep with married coworkers, uncaring of both the
professional risk and the emotional havoc she was creating in the
lives of others. She continued drinking and smoking pot, often going
on weekend party trips with friends to "drink and hook up." She had a
string of bad boyfriends culminating in a complete scumbag to whom she
even became engaged. He was a compulsive liar, and in the 3.5 years
they were together, he never got a job. He did, however, have
expensive tastes, and L. paid for all his nice things, including a
brand new Corvette. And to afford all this, she let him talk her into
becoming a stripper, and eventually a prostitute.
For ten months she lived and worked at a brothel three out of every
four weeks. And while she was away, this boyfriend/fiance lived in
her house, spending her money and playing World of Warcraft.
Fortunately, she eventually gave up prostitution - turns out working
at a brothel isn't as lucrative as one might think, especially when
your fiance is draining your bank accounts every month. It wasn't
long before she had to file for bankruptcy, but at least that was a
step towards climbing out of her financial pit o' despair. She got a
job managing at a restaurant, which she seemed to enjoy much more than
waitressing. And a few months ago, she even kicked out her lowlife
fiance. Things seemed like they were looking up.
Unfortunately, it didn't last. Almost immediately, L. started
sleeping with her new co-manager R., a married man with a
four-year-old son. He repeatedly promises to leave his wife, even
though she recently became pregnant again (she ended up miscarrying,
though). The two of them - my sister and R. - also occasionally have
sex with one of the female servers at the restaurant, who in addition
to being their employee is also engaged to someone else. L. still
drinks a lot, not only at social occasions, but at work, too. And
about a month ago, she called me up and nonchalantly asked, "What do
you know about cocaine?" Apparently R. and the female server both do
it, and now L. is considering trying it. I was shocked and
disappointed, but L. keeps trying to claim that it's no big deal, and
that this new "relationship" with R. is much healthier than the last.
Then, just a few days ago, she called and asked to borrow $500. She
said she needed it right away, and when I asked for an explanation,
she told me it was bail money for R. He'd gotten into a fight at a
bar and beaten up some guy. While it hurt me to do so, I had to tell
her no, because I just didn't feel comfortable loaning that kind of
money for R. I don't like having to turn down a favor for someone I
love when I have the means to help, but I just couldn't do it. It
upset me so much that I had to call one of my close friends to ask for
reassurance - had I done the right thing?
L. is only 28, so I keep telling myself there is still time for her to
get her life on track and start making good decisions. I'm really not
one to judge her - and none of this is judgment so much as concern.
I've made my share of bad decisions in my personal life, but I feel
like I've acknowledged my poor choices in a way that she hasn't with
hers, and I'm learning from my mistakes where she's repeating hers.
I'm the little sister here - I'm only 25. But I feel an overwhelming
need to help her. To fix her. To *save* her somehow. I can't
imagine ever giving up on her, but I also am getting to the point
where I don't know what I can do anymore. I just love her so much,
and I hate watching her make one bad decision after another. Is there
anything I can do? What would you do?
Thank you so much for reading, and if you have any thoughts, PLEASE
share them.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Getting Over An Affair
Posted By Anonymous.
What is the statute of limitations on an affair? How long can the other spouse go on being distrustful of the cheater? When is the point that the cheater decides that enough is enough and if they don't have trust by now, they will never have it?
If it was a one time thing?
If they left the situation (job, class, drinking, friendship etc) that lured them down that path to begin with?
If they have really NEVER done it again, and have no intention to (it seems).
If they have gone to counseling?
What if it were your spouse that cheated? You? Your best friend's spouse? Your best friend?
Just want a perspective.
What is the statute of limitations on an affair? How long can the other spouse go on being distrustful of the cheater? When is the point that the cheater decides that enough is enough and if they don't have trust by now, they will never have it?
If it was a one time thing?
If they left the situation (job, class, drinking, friendship etc) that lured them down that path to begin with?
If they have really NEVER done it again, and have no intention to (it seems).
If they have gone to counseling?
What if it were your spouse that cheated? You? Your best friend's spouse? Your best friend?
Just want a perspective.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Don't Want To Lose Him
Posted by ffbgirl of My Life.
I am afraid I am losing my husband and I am 2 months pregnant. We have been "fussing" for the last few months, but I attributed it to his highly stressfiul job. Then, all of a sudden, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, he drunkenly confesses that he thinks about killing himself and that he has been unhappy for three months and he thinks it is because of me.
That was bad, it gets worse.
I tried to be more supportive. I tried not to make him walk on eggshells around me (which he claimed he has done as long we have been together). I tried to do more around the house, I tried not to bug him at work. I tried to support him. I also didn't go out with him on a couple of occasions.
My husband rides a motorcycle, so when he goes out for a drink, I ask that he text me when he leaves the bar so I know he is OK driving home. On one of his out occasions without me, he texted me that he was coming home. Over 45 minutes later, he still wasn't home. I drove around looking for him. I called some friends who had been out with him and it turns out he had followed home his best friend, Nikki. Nikki and I used to be friends, but I ended that relationship a few months ago because I thought it wasn't healthy for me or my family. My husband refused to end his friendship with her, saying they work together (true) and that he shouldn't have to get rid of her. But, this particular night, he hadn't mentioned that he was following her home (she also rides a bike and lives in a shady neighborhood so this isn't unusual) and it was taking WAY TOO LONG. When I found him heading from the direction of her house, I met him back at the house. He got IRATE that I questioned his whereabouts. He said he hadn't even gone all the way to her house, but he couldn't explain why it had taken so long. This argument evolved into another tirade of him saying he is so unhappy.
The next day I discover he has called Nikki several times while he was out of our house and I ask him about it and he denies the phone calls. I tell him the cell phone company must have an error and we need to address that.
So then two nights later, he works until 1 a.m. Once home, he left to go to another manager's house (who happens to live one building over from Nikki) house. Interesting thing here was that he took the car, not the bike, so I couldn't go check on him. He stayed out til 5 a.m. When I called and texted he would leave the room and only talked to me alone. I never heard the other manager. He wouldn't let me talk to the other manager on the phone.
When he finally got home at 5 a.m., he tells me he's done. He is tired of me not trusting him and this that and the other. He goes on and on about he is unhappy and how he feels like I don't care and how if I would put as much energy toward our marraige as I do toward questioning Nikki that we would be better. He complains about how I didn't know he was so unhappy (HE NEVER TOLD ME). He says he can't be with a person who doesn't trust him.
I try to express that I want to fix our problems and that I want to contribute to his happiness. I ask for a hug and he refuses. When that happens, I lose my mind. So, at about 4:30 central time (I live in Eastern time), I call my folks and wake them up and spill my guts that they need to come be with me and give me a hug. That is all I want. I was sad and lonely and scared. Here I am pregnant and my husband has just told me he is done (though he won't expand on what that means).
I go to work that day and have a full day. By the evening, my dad has arrived from out of town. As I am packing up a few things to spend the night in the hotel with my dad, G asks me what I am doing. I had not mentioned to him that I had asked my folks to come to town. When I said that I was getting my stuff together to go to dinner and the Econolodge with my dad, my husband looked hurt and sad.
He said, "You told your parents?"
I said, "I had to, I needed a hug."
That was about the end of that conversation. He and I texted and talked on the phone over the next three days while I was finishing my work week. During that week, I asked him NOT to hang out with Nikki. He protested, but as far as I can tell, he complied.
Before I left, I asked G if he would sit down and talk with me so we could set some goals for our time apart. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. I asked him if he saw these two weeks as a little time out after which I will return home and we will evaluate our situation. He said that was how he saw it. I don't like that idea at all, but if he won't talk to me, I can't make him.
Then on Friday, I flew home with my dad. While I have been here, I have been looking at our cell phone records to see when and to whom my husband is talking and texting. I find out he has had two late-night almost hour long phone conversations with Nikki. These conversations have happened after he had told me goodnight.
So, yesterday,
I say, "Did you talk on the phone last night?"
G: "No..."
me: "So what about Friday night?"
G: "No..."
me: "Hmmm, so you didn't talk to Nikki on the phone for 45 minutes Friday night"
G: "I said NO! This is f-ing B.S. I am so not getting into this right now..."
me: "Well, then we need to call the cell phone company because they are showing a 45 minute phone call between you two at about midnight Friday night."
G: "Well I don't know, but I have to go..."
We text back and fourth a bit and he eventually calls me back. He admits that he had in fact had that conversation with her.
So, now I am IRATE. I have finally caught him in a lie. I have had my suspicions about his relationship with her, but he has said time and again that NOTHING is going on there. I really don't think anything physical is going on, and I just can't make him understand that having an emotional relationship with her is still cheating... I am not crazy.
So, we talk back and fourth and I finally lay it out for him. That he has to pick her or me. That I cannot remain married to him if he cannot end his friendship with her. He says he has to think about that.
WHAT?!?! You have to think about that. Oh now I am overwhelmed. So we end that conversation. I send him a text message that basically says this is bull shit and he needs to be a man and face his responsibilities and that he is married to me and that our marriage deserves a chance.
Later that day he texts letting me know he is leaving work and again that he is home. We talked on the phone a few times that evening and it went well. We talked again this morning. It went OK. I mentioned that I would like to schedule a time to have a conversation about our marriage. He again is hesitant. I ask again if he has talked to her. He says he hasn't because he asked her not to call or text him. I believe him because I saw the cell phone records and there were no calls between them.
Over the course of our last conversation today, he keeps saying he just wants to be left alone. He complains that that is the only thing he wants and I can't give him that. So, I give in. I told him that I would give hime two days, but that was it. I told him to call me in two days and have something to say. That he needs to know whether he wants our marriage to work in two days or "I am getting my affairs in order."
It is killing me. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him. I want him to want to talk to me. I don't want to doubt his every action and word. I really don't think he has physically cheated on me, but he makes that harder and harder to believe.
Our child deserves to have two loving parents together. Our child deserves a childhood like the one I had. I am so sad for my child. I don't want my child to look at me someday and ask why Daddy left us... That breaks my heart.
I am also scared out of my mind. I don't want to be a single mother. I am afraid beyond belief of how hard that will be. I am not an alone person. At all. I know that about myself. I am freaking out here. I can't really sleep at night and I am just sick over this. I know I need to not stress because it is bad for the baby, but I am failing at that.
This is so scary. Please think positive thoughts for me. If you pray, please pray that my husband will realize that he loves me and wants to be with only me. Please pray that I will learn how to better carry my weight in this marriage. Please pray that we will learn to face our fears together. Please pray that my husband will learn that he has to make a consciouss choice every day to be happy. Please pray that I will not wind up a single mother. Oh dear God, please just pray that this works out. And if you don't pray, just think positive about all these things.
I am afraid I am losing my husband and I am 2 months pregnant. We have been "fussing" for the last few months, but I attributed it to his highly stressfiul job. Then, all of a sudden, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, he drunkenly confesses that he thinks about killing himself and that he has been unhappy for three months and he thinks it is because of me.
That was bad, it gets worse.
I tried to be more supportive. I tried not to make him walk on eggshells around me (which he claimed he has done as long we have been together). I tried to do more around the house, I tried not to bug him at work. I tried to support him. I also didn't go out with him on a couple of occasions.
My husband rides a motorcycle, so when he goes out for a drink, I ask that he text me when he leaves the bar so I know he is OK driving home. On one of his out occasions without me, he texted me that he was coming home. Over 45 minutes later, he still wasn't home. I drove around looking for him. I called some friends who had been out with him and it turns out he had followed home his best friend, Nikki. Nikki and I used to be friends, but I ended that relationship a few months ago because I thought it wasn't healthy for me or my family. My husband refused to end his friendship with her, saying they work together (true) and that he shouldn't have to get rid of her. But, this particular night, he hadn't mentioned that he was following her home (she also rides a bike and lives in a shady neighborhood so this isn't unusual) and it was taking WAY TOO LONG. When I found him heading from the direction of her house, I met him back at the house. He got IRATE that I questioned his whereabouts. He said he hadn't even gone all the way to her house, but he couldn't explain why it had taken so long. This argument evolved into another tirade of him saying he is so unhappy.
The next day I discover he has called Nikki several times while he was out of our house and I ask him about it and he denies the phone calls. I tell him the cell phone company must have an error and we need to address that.
So then two nights later, he works until 1 a.m. Once home, he left to go to another manager's house (who happens to live one building over from Nikki) house. Interesting thing here was that he took the car, not the bike, so I couldn't go check on him. He stayed out til 5 a.m. When I called and texted he would leave the room and only talked to me alone. I never heard the other manager. He wouldn't let me talk to the other manager on the phone.
When he finally got home at 5 a.m., he tells me he's done. He is tired of me not trusting him and this that and the other. He goes on and on about he is unhappy and how he feels like I don't care and how if I would put as much energy toward our marraige as I do toward questioning Nikki that we would be better. He complains about how I didn't know he was so unhappy (HE NEVER TOLD ME). He says he can't be with a person who doesn't trust him.
I try to express that I want to fix our problems and that I want to contribute to his happiness. I ask for a hug and he refuses. When that happens, I lose my mind. So, at about 4:30 central time (I live in Eastern time), I call my folks and wake them up and spill my guts that they need to come be with me and give me a hug. That is all I want. I was sad and lonely and scared. Here I am pregnant and my husband has just told me he is done (though he won't expand on what that means).
I go to work that day and have a full day. By the evening, my dad has arrived from out of town. As I am packing up a few things to spend the night in the hotel with my dad, G asks me what I am doing. I had not mentioned to him that I had asked my folks to come to town. When I said that I was getting my stuff together to go to dinner and the Econolodge with my dad, my husband looked hurt and sad.
He said, "You told your parents?"
I said, "I had to, I needed a hug."
That was about the end of that conversation. He and I texted and talked on the phone over the next three days while I was finishing my work week. During that week, I asked him NOT to hang out with Nikki. He protested, but as far as I can tell, he complied.
Before I left, I asked G if he would sit down and talk with me so we could set some goals for our time apart. He said he didn't think that was a good idea. I asked him if he saw these two weeks as a little time out after which I will return home and we will evaluate our situation. He said that was how he saw it. I don't like that idea at all, but if he won't talk to me, I can't make him.
Then on Friday, I flew home with my dad. While I have been here, I have been looking at our cell phone records to see when and to whom my husband is talking and texting. I find out he has had two late-night almost hour long phone conversations with Nikki. These conversations have happened after he had told me goodnight.
So, yesterday,
I say, "Did you talk on the phone last night?"
G: "No..."
me: "So what about Friday night?"
G: "No..."
me: "Hmmm, so you didn't talk to Nikki on the phone for 45 minutes Friday night"
G: "I said NO! This is f-ing B.S. I am so not getting into this right now..."
me: "Well, then we need to call the cell phone company because they are showing a 45 minute phone call between you two at about midnight Friday night."
G: "Well I don't know, but I have to go..."
We text back and fourth a bit and he eventually calls me back. He admits that he had in fact had that conversation with her.
So, now I am IRATE. I have finally caught him in a lie. I have had my suspicions about his relationship with her, but he has said time and again that NOTHING is going on there. I really don't think anything physical is going on, and I just can't make him understand that having an emotional relationship with her is still cheating... I am not crazy.
So, we talk back and fourth and I finally lay it out for him. That he has to pick her or me. That I cannot remain married to him if he cannot end his friendship with her. He says he has to think about that.
WHAT?!?! You have to think about that. Oh now I am overwhelmed. So we end that conversation. I send him a text message that basically says this is bull shit and he needs to be a man and face his responsibilities and that he is married to me and that our marriage deserves a chance.
Later that day he texts letting me know he is leaving work and again that he is home. We talked on the phone a few times that evening and it went well. We talked again this morning. It went OK. I mentioned that I would like to schedule a time to have a conversation about our marriage. He again is hesitant. I ask again if he has talked to her. He says he hasn't because he asked her not to call or text him. I believe him because I saw the cell phone records and there were no calls between them.
Over the course of our last conversation today, he keeps saying he just wants to be left alone. He complains that that is the only thing he wants and I can't give him that. So, I give in. I told him that I would give hime two days, but that was it. I told him to call me in two days and have something to say. That he needs to know whether he wants our marriage to work in two days or "I am getting my affairs in order."
It is killing me. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him. I want him to want to talk to me. I don't want to doubt his every action and word. I really don't think he has physically cheated on me, but he makes that harder and harder to believe.
Our child deserves to have two loving parents together. Our child deserves a childhood like the one I had. I am so sad for my child. I don't want my child to look at me someday and ask why Daddy left us... That breaks my heart.
I am also scared out of my mind. I don't want to be a single mother. I am afraid beyond belief of how hard that will be. I am not an alone person. At all. I know that about myself. I am freaking out here. I can't really sleep at night and I am just sick over this. I know I need to not stress because it is bad for the baby, but I am failing at that.
This is so scary. Please think positive thoughts for me. If you pray, please pray that my husband will realize that he loves me and wants to be with only me. Please pray that I will learn how to better carry my weight in this marriage. Please pray that we will learn to face our fears together. Please pray that my husband will learn that he has to make a consciouss choice every day to be happy. Please pray that I will not wind up a single mother. Oh dear God, please just pray that this works out. And if you don't pray, just think positive about all these things.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Not Always Feelin' The Love
Posted by Anonymous
Is it just me that hates their children some days? I have a 3 year old and I'm VERY recently pregnant with my 2nd child. Some days I wonder why I'm going to torture myself by having another child - how disgusting is that? My sister has been struggling for years to get pregnant and here I am complaining about the one thing she dreams of.
I LOVE my daughter, she's the light of my life, but as everyone knows, in this day and age of monster home prices and cost of living, it's just complicates everything to try to find a decent job that allows me to drop her off and pick her up at preschool.......especially since my parents are so young and are still working full time, so I can't lean on them for babysitting during the day, and a lot of the time for what a babysitter costs, I would just be turning my paycheck over to babysitter. So, all of that adds up to a crappy part time job, which causes money issues which causes tension and stress between my husband and I, who I love and miss so much- because most of the time we're barely talking because we can't handle the stress of it all.
And why is it that it's so hard to find a job that will allow you to work from home so that you can juggle work and your children's activites? I just need to drop her off and then pick her up 3 times a week - that adds up to a half hour a day. I've had a MILLION headhunters laugh at me when I mention working from home. I swear to god, I'm not kidding.
I must sound like a horrible person. There are single mothers out there that handle all this on their own, so what right do I have to complain? But I do - and I can't get through the day without screaming in anger because of the stress.
What's wrong with me? Is it just me? Am I terrible? Will my daughter, and the next baby just end up hating me because I don't know how to get any joy out of the day because I'm constantly worrying about EVERYTHING?
Is it just me that hates their children some days? I have a 3 year old and I'm VERY recently pregnant with my 2nd child. Some days I wonder why I'm going to torture myself by having another child - how disgusting is that? My sister has been struggling for years to get pregnant and here I am complaining about the one thing she dreams of.
I LOVE my daughter, she's the light of my life, but as everyone knows, in this day and age of monster home prices and cost of living, it's just complicates everything to try to find a decent job that allows me to drop her off and pick her up at preschool.......especially since my parents are so young and are still working full time, so I can't lean on them for babysitting during the day, and a lot of the time for what a babysitter costs, I would just be turning my paycheck over to babysitter. So, all of that adds up to a crappy part time job, which causes money issues which causes tension and stress between my husband and I, who I love and miss so much- because most of the time we're barely talking because we can't handle the stress of it all.
And why is it that it's so hard to find a job that will allow you to work from home so that you can juggle work and your children's activites? I just need to drop her off and then pick her up 3 times a week - that adds up to a half hour a day. I've had a MILLION headhunters laugh at me when I mention working from home. I swear to god, I'm not kidding.
I must sound like a horrible person. There are single mothers out there that handle all this on their own, so what right do I have to complain? But I do - and I can't get through the day without screaming in anger because of the stress.
What's wrong with me? Is it just me? Am I terrible? Will my daughter, and the next baby just end up hating me because I don't know how to get any joy out of the day because I'm constantly worrying about EVERYTHING?
Monday, June 25, 2007
Another Baby, Not My Own
Posted by Anonymous.
A few weeks ago I found out my husband may have another child. He has two with me, both under 1 1/2 years old. I already know he had a son with someone else just before he met me and for a while we had visitation but now we don't. She took him away and we don't legally have a right to see him unless we go through the courts and we don't have the money.
However it has now come up that he may be the father of another boy who was born only a few months after his first son. The child does not live with his mom but is in the foster care and will become a ward of the state soon. The boy has two brothers as well but they are definitely not my husbands.
We will be having a paternity test done soon but the dilemma is what to do if he IS his son. As he already doesn't get to see one son, he doesn't want to lose another. However the boy has met us only once or twice and doesn't really know us (we were friends with the mom.) He's 3. They are going to try to keep all three boys together in the system but really, that doesn't happen too often. If we took him in, we of course would let him see his brothers but still. My main concern is how do we just take a 3 year old boy and say, "Hey, the guy you thought was your daddy isn't really your daddy. This is your real daddy and you are going to live with us now." Could a 3 year old really understand that?
Also we are really struggling financially with our two children. We use food banks and are behind on many bills. Would it be fair to bring in another child to a fairly poor lifestyle? We do own our home but still. He at least has clothes and toys and furniture already and we would get a bit of money from the city for him (baby bonus) but still. Plus in order to get custody of him, we have to get a lawyer and go to court to prove we can take good care of him. We can't afford a lawyer either and don't qualify for legal aid because we own our house.
Another concern is that I struggle with depression and since my husband works, it would be me who would be taking care of him. I get frustrated really easily with my two babies. Could I handle another child? We've been told he has behavioural issues, probably from being taken away and put back and taken away again from his parents. Plus we know he wasn't treated right, otherwise he wouldn't have been taken away.
There is a lot to think about and obviously none of this matter if it turns out he isn't my husband's son but it seems more likely that he is. What would you do?
A few weeks ago I found out my husband may have another child. He has two with me, both under 1 1/2 years old. I already know he had a son with someone else just before he met me and for a while we had visitation but now we don't. She took him away and we don't legally have a right to see him unless we go through the courts and we don't have the money.
However it has now come up that he may be the father of another boy who was born only a few months after his first son. The child does not live with his mom but is in the foster care and will become a ward of the state soon. The boy has two brothers as well but they are definitely not my husbands.
We will be having a paternity test done soon but the dilemma is what to do if he IS his son. As he already doesn't get to see one son, he doesn't want to lose another. However the boy has met us only once or twice and doesn't really know us (we were friends with the mom.) He's 3. They are going to try to keep all three boys together in the system but really, that doesn't happen too often. If we took him in, we of course would let him see his brothers but still. My main concern is how do we just take a 3 year old boy and say, "Hey, the guy you thought was your daddy isn't really your daddy. This is your real daddy and you are going to live with us now." Could a 3 year old really understand that?
Also we are really struggling financially with our two children. We use food banks and are behind on many bills. Would it be fair to bring in another child to a fairly poor lifestyle? We do own our home but still. He at least has clothes and toys and furniture already and we would get a bit of money from the city for him (baby bonus) but still. Plus in order to get custody of him, we have to get a lawyer and go to court to prove we can take good care of him. We can't afford a lawyer either and don't qualify for legal aid because we own our house.
Another concern is that I struggle with depression and since my husband works, it would be me who would be taking care of him. I get frustrated really easily with my two babies. Could I handle another child? We've been told he has behavioural issues, probably from being taken away and put back and taken away again from his parents. Plus we know he wasn't treated right, otherwise he wouldn't have been taken away.
There is a lot to think about and obviously none of this matter if it turns out he isn't my husband's son but it seems more likely that he is. What would you do?
Thursday, June 21, 2007
How Do I Help Him?
Posted by Anonymous.
I think my brother has Asperger Syndrome (AS) and my mother is paying the price.
I am 28 and my twin brothers are 25 years old. One of the twins is a rather socially-awkward kid. He was just like any other kid until he turned 16 or 17. Now well into adulthood (25 years old) it is becoming harder and harder for my parents to interact with him. Mainly because:
*He always misunderstands people (99% of time)
*He is always politically incorrect (or rude) because he wants to be honest
*Although he is finishing university, he has had difficulty with writing exams
*He has never maintained a job or successfully passed an interview
*He is not aware of his appearance (he doesn’t shave often)
*He never dresses appropriately (wears a T-shirt at a wedding)
*He cannot maintain friendships
*He can never get a date with a girl (as a result, sexually frustrated)
*Often he uses language expressions in the wrong way (wrong situation)
*Sometimes he laughs nervously, twitches his eyes or moves his fingers on the table in a repeated rocking motion.
*He remembers strange details of things, even after 20 years
*He repeats exact dialogues from some shows like Dr. Phil to prove an irrelevant point.
So, I am diagnosing him with AS, despite the fact that no doctor ever took the time to fully examine his situation!
The problem is not just AS. Many of you how know psychology, you that the “middle child” often suffers from paranoia that he has been short-changed in the family. Many middle children are sometime in their lifetime jealous of their siblings and blame their parents for their failures. Now add AS to the “middle child” factor and you will get a child that might some day kill his parents or siblings in cold blood!
The good news is that my brother is not violent, otherwise we would all be dead by now because he hates our guts! But my mom gets into a fight with him at least once a day when he misinterprets everything and everyone!
He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him, but “the whole world needs therapy”. Anything that comes out of his mouth is non-sense jealous rage and hatred toward family members, friends and any stranger.
He believes that my parents never loved him. He believes people just want to mock him all the time or everyone is out there to get him and that’s why he can’t pass a job interview.
He has a special way of making everyone mad and my mom cry. Sometimes I think he will give my father a heart attack. My parents love him to death and they know that he may never fully grow up and despite his degree in Engineering, they may have to financially support him for the rest of his life.
But I worry. When I was 23, I was raped by a guy who had almost the same problem. He was sexually frustrated and didn’t understand the meaning of “I don’t want to have sex with you.” I never told my family what happened, because I should have known better.
My question is “how do we get him help, when he believes he is not the one with the problem?”.
Because of his condition, he is not aware of his awkwardness and it is getting worse day by day. At the age of 25, it is not cute anymore when he dresses himself funny or says the wrong thing all the time! I think he needs to get some help before he gets violent and either rapes a girl (because she wouldn’t go out with him) or seriously hurts a family member.
I think my brother has Asperger Syndrome (AS) and my mother is paying the price.
I am 28 and my twin brothers are 25 years old. One of the twins is a rather socially-awkward kid. He was just like any other kid until he turned 16 or 17. Now well into adulthood (25 years old) it is becoming harder and harder for my parents to interact with him. Mainly because:
*He always misunderstands people (99% of time)
*He is always politically incorrect (or rude) because he wants to be honest
*Although he is finishing university, he has had difficulty with writing exams
*He has never maintained a job or successfully passed an interview
*He is not aware of his appearance (he doesn’t shave often)
*He never dresses appropriately (wears a T-shirt at a wedding)
*He cannot maintain friendships
*He can never get a date with a girl (as a result, sexually frustrated)
*Often he uses language expressions in the wrong way (wrong situation)
*Sometimes he laughs nervously, twitches his eyes or moves his fingers on the table in a repeated rocking motion.
*He remembers strange details of things, even after 20 years
*He repeats exact dialogues from some shows like Dr. Phil to prove an irrelevant point.
So, I am diagnosing him with AS, despite the fact that no doctor ever took the time to fully examine his situation!
The problem is not just AS. Many of you how know psychology, you that the “middle child” often suffers from paranoia that he has been short-changed in the family. Many middle children are sometime in their lifetime jealous of their siblings and blame their parents for their failures. Now add AS to the “middle child” factor and you will get a child that might some day kill his parents or siblings in cold blood!
The good news is that my brother is not violent, otherwise we would all be dead by now because he hates our guts! But my mom gets into a fight with him at least once a day when he misinterprets everything and everyone!
He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him, but “the whole world needs therapy”. Anything that comes out of his mouth is non-sense jealous rage and hatred toward family members, friends and any stranger.
He believes that my parents never loved him. He believes people just want to mock him all the time or everyone is out there to get him and that’s why he can’t pass a job interview.
He has a special way of making everyone mad and my mom cry. Sometimes I think he will give my father a heart attack. My parents love him to death and they know that he may never fully grow up and despite his degree in Engineering, they may have to financially support him for the rest of his life.
But I worry. When I was 23, I was raped by a guy who had almost the same problem. He was sexually frustrated and didn’t understand the meaning of “I don’t want to have sex with you.” I never told my family what happened, because I should have known better.
My question is “how do we get him help, when he believes he is not the one with the problem?”.
Because of his condition, he is not aware of his awkwardness and it is getting worse day by day. At the age of 25, it is not cute anymore when he dresses himself funny or says the wrong thing all the time! I think he needs to get some help before he gets violent and either rapes a girl (because she wouldn’t go out with him) or seriously hurts a family member.
Monday, June 18, 2007
The Reality of the Affair
Posted by Anonymous.
I have to talk about this, but it's not something I can share with anyone I know. I realize I will be labeled by people and that's fine. There's probably nothing they can come up with I haven't already said to myself.
I'm having an affair. There, I said it. It's funny to think of all the things I thought, stereotypically of course, about those who would choose to engage in something like this. And yes, I admit fully that it's a choice. It didn't "just happen." There was no "accident." I made choices, he made choices and now we're having an affair. But why? Why do two normally rational, intelligent people choose this path? The questions are plenty. "How did you let this happen? Why are you doing this? Don't you realize people will be hurt?"
The other things I hear a lot are, "People who have affairs are just looking for a cheap thrill. They like the thought of doing something where they might get caught!" No one says this to me of course, because NO ONE would guess the situation I'm in. I'm a normal thirty-something woman, married with children in an upper-middle class neighborhood. I have an education and a great job. I attend school functions with people like you. My kids are friends with your kids. We might actually meet somewhere, strike up a conversation and you may find you actually like me. But if anyone knew what happened behind closed doors I would be labeled, branded and cast aside. So no one knows.
I'm not going to go into boring details about the state of my marriage. I will only say that it hasn't been good but it hasn't been horrible. My husband has emotional issues that I finally said he needed to fix. I didn't want to divorce again. That was why I stayed through all of these years. The problem is too much has happened and I can't see living the rest of my life with him. He knows this. I know this. We've discussed it. But such is the state of someone with emotional issues, it's very much a rollercoaster ride. And now I have guilt about the fact that my husband really IS trying to make himself better. I have just lost all desire to rebuild our relationship.
And so about eight months ago I struck up a conversation with a mutual friend. There hadn't been any real conversation between the two of us before and the connection during that chat was instant. Of course I ignored it because I'm a reasonable person, married with children and so is he. And then another conversation, and another...and soon you realize that you have a very deep and profound friendship and connection with this other man. Soon conversations turn private and you have to make a choice. You either stop talking to this person all together, because the intensity is too much to ignore, and casual friendship is no longer an option, or you make the choice to continue and see where it goes? Well, I know you can gather which choice we made.
What's funny is this isn't about a cheap thrill. The thought of getting caught is mortifying not exciting. The realities of an affair are nothing like the stereotypes portrayed in romance novels or Hollywood movies. The reality is my days are crushing, depressing, and aching as much as they are passionate, intense and intoxicating. I'm in purgatory. Stuck somewhere between where I am and where I want to be. Of course we would love to spend our days together. Of course I would love to share my life with him openly. Absolutely the most incredible, amazing man on the planet exists and I want to talk to people about him. But I can't. It's a shameful secret rather than a beautiful romance.
I see his wife only through photographs. I know as much about her as he has told me. When I see her, regardless of the state of their marriage I feel awful. I feel awful that I'm sleeping with her husband. I feel awful that I am hurting her. I feel awful that he might leave her to be with me. It's a lose-lose situation. I want to be with him, but the cost is HUGE! Their child, my children, my husband and she will absolutely suffer. When I see her picture I cry for these things. And also I cry because she gets to live the life I want so desperately to have.
So why don't you just leave? Well, to start the kids is a huge reason. I know the philosophy of not staying for the kids and I am caught between having a marginal life with my husband, sacrificing what I have with the other man for the sake of the kids, and having a phenomenal life with a man who knows me and connects with my soul. To be with him, two families will be broken. I fantasize about just saying, "Fuck it!" and leaving, him leaving her and just being selfish...let the chips fall where they may. But that is just that, a fantasy.
Another reason is financial. Where would I go? How would I support my children on my salary and keep them in a good school district? Leaving takes time and planning. Divorce is costly and things get heated even when you promise each other to be respectful for the sake of the children.
I feel like every day is a lie. I wake up and fake smile through my morning, getting the kids ready for the day, getting to work...and then a brief exchange online with the other man and I am smiling from inside. I light up. I laugh. And I smile, a real, sincere smile. Then reality strikes again. Things to do for work, readying for the evening at home with the kids and my husband. I imagine him there, because really it's all I have. What would be different about this moment if he were here with me and the kids? Too many things to list here. Then when things settle down for the evening and kids start heading to bed...I sometimes think, "man, I am just crazy. Maybe I'm just making too much out of this?" And then I see him online. And he says "Hello. I'm dying without you here." So often I have tried to convince myself that he really couldn't want a life with me. But every thing he has ever said or done has proven over and over...time and time again that he wants more. As much as I believe this isn't about sex, because believe me...that opportunity is rare, I know it is more emotional than anything. And then I feel guilty about that too. Because, really, isn't that the worst kind?
I have no idea what I thought I would get out of sharing this. I just had to get this off my chest. There really is nothing worse than living in limbo. Living every day wanting something you cannot have is not easy, fun, a cheap thrill or adventurous. No one tells you the harsh realities of an affair. But I guess now I have.
I have to talk about this, but it's not something I can share with anyone I know. I realize I will be labeled by people and that's fine. There's probably nothing they can come up with I haven't already said to myself.
I'm having an affair. There, I said it. It's funny to think of all the things I thought, stereotypically of course, about those who would choose to engage in something like this. And yes, I admit fully that it's a choice. It didn't "just happen." There was no "accident." I made choices, he made choices and now we're having an affair. But why? Why do two normally rational, intelligent people choose this path? The questions are plenty. "How did you let this happen? Why are you doing this? Don't you realize people will be hurt?"
The other things I hear a lot are, "People who have affairs are just looking for a cheap thrill. They like the thought of doing something where they might get caught!" No one says this to me of course, because NO ONE would guess the situation I'm in. I'm a normal thirty-something woman, married with children in an upper-middle class neighborhood. I have an education and a great job. I attend school functions with people like you. My kids are friends with your kids. We might actually meet somewhere, strike up a conversation and you may find you actually like me. But if anyone knew what happened behind closed doors I would be labeled, branded and cast aside. So no one knows.
I'm not going to go into boring details about the state of my marriage. I will only say that it hasn't been good but it hasn't been horrible. My husband has emotional issues that I finally said he needed to fix. I didn't want to divorce again. That was why I stayed through all of these years. The problem is too much has happened and I can't see living the rest of my life with him. He knows this. I know this. We've discussed it. But such is the state of someone with emotional issues, it's very much a rollercoaster ride. And now I have guilt about the fact that my husband really IS trying to make himself better. I have just lost all desire to rebuild our relationship.
And so about eight months ago I struck up a conversation with a mutual friend. There hadn't been any real conversation between the two of us before and the connection during that chat was instant. Of course I ignored it because I'm a reasonable person, married with children and so is he. And then another conversation, and another...and soon you realize that you have a very deep and profound friendship and connection with this other man. Soon conversations turn private and you have to make a choice. You either stop talking to this person all together, because the intensity is too much to ignore, and casual friendship is no longer an option, or you make the choice to continue and see where it goes? Well, I know you can gather which choice we made.
What's funny is this isn't about a cheap thrill. The thought of getting caught is mortifying not exciting. The realities of an affair are nothing like the stereotypes portrayed in romance novels or Hollywood movies. The reality is my days are crushing, depressing, and aching as much as they are passionate, intense and intoxicating. I'm in purgatory. Stuck somewhere between where I am and where I want to be. Of course we would love to spend our days together. Of course I would love to share my life with him openly. Absolutely the most incredible, amazing man on the planet exists and I want to talk to people about him. But I can't. It's a shameful secret rather than a beautiful romance.
I see his wife only through photographs. I know as much about her as he has told me. When I see her, regardless of the state of their marriage I feel awful. I feel awful that I'm sleeping with her husband. I feel awful that I am hurting her. I feel awful that he might leave her to be with me. It's a lose-lose situation. I want to be with him, but the cost is HUGE! Their child, my children, my husband and she will absolutely suffer. When I see her picture I cry for these things. And also I cry because she gets to live the life I want so desperately to have.
So why don't you just leave? Well, to start the kids is a huge reason. I know the philosophy of not staying for the kids and I am caught between having a marginal life with my husband, sacrificing what I have with the other man for the sake of the kids, and having a phenomenal life with a man who knows me and connects with my soul. To be with him, two families will be broken. I fantasize about just saying, "Fuck it!" and leaving, him leaving her and just being selfish...let the chips fall where they may. But that is just that, a fantasy.
Another reason is financial. Where would I go? How would I support my children on my salary and keep them in a good school district? Leaving takes time and planning. Divorce is costly and things get heated even when you promise each other to be respectful for the sake of the children.
I feel like every day is a lie. I wake up and fake smile through my morning, getting the kids ready for the day, getting to work...and then a brief exchange online with the other man and I am smiling from inside. I light up. I laugh. And I smile, a real, sincere smile. Then reality strikes again. Things to do for work, readying for the evening at home with the kids and my husband. I imagine him there, because really it's all I have. What would be different about this moment if he were here with me and the kids? Too many things to list here. Then when things settle down for the evening and kids start heading to bed...I sometimes think, "man, I am just crazy. Maybe I'm just making too much out of this?" And then I see him online. And he says "Hello. I'm dying without you here." So often I have tried to convince myself that he really couldn't want a life with me. But every thing he has ever said or done has proven over and over...time and time again that he wants more. As much as I believe this isn't about sex, because believe me...that opportunity is rare, I know it is more emotional than anything. And then I feel guilty about that too. Because, really, isn't that the worst kind?
I have no idea what I thought I would get out of sharing this. I just had to get this off my chest. There really is nothing worse than living in limbo. Living every day wanting something you cannot have is not easy, fun, a cheap thrill or adventurous. No one tells you the harsh realities of an affair. But I guess now I have.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
The Leap
Posted by Aliki.
I’m posting here because I so badly want to write some things down and can’t on my own blog yet. Perhaps one day I will, but for now I welcome having the opportunity to post this on the back porch, as it were, and thus relieve a little the need I have to write about this and perhaps share it with my blogging friends who know me.
********
My son swam a little for the first time yesterday. He is almost seven and has been holding back for over three years—taking little tentative “steps” towards swimming; afraid but ashamed of his own fear. The water has tormented him—the kids dancing and diving in the deep end have taunted him. But yesterday he swam a little. As I watched I saw that unmistakably his feet left the bottom of the pool and I saw two slender ankles kick out against the water—briefly--but kick out they did, it all the same.
Mama I swam! He shouted, his gap-toothed grin shining from below his blue goggles. I swam!
On the walk home from the pool he asked what day it was.
It’s the 4th of June, we told him.
The 4th of June! He exclaimed. We need to mark this down as the day I learned to swim!
I did mark it down, and in my mind I made another mark. For yesterday was also the day I spoke for over 30 minutes on the telephone with his school psychologist and learned that the head of the autism team had diagnosed him with Asperger’s Syndrome—a form of high-functioning autism.
For the past year we had suspected as much, but had shied away from going down the testing road. We were afraid of labeling him; of causing more harm by perhaps compartmentalizing him into a category that could shape and define him for perhaps the rest of his life. But because of how at times desperately difficult things have been this year—particularly this past winter, we felt suddenly out of our depths. His behaviors were interfering with school—not academically, so much, although we feel is capable of much more than he is able to produce—but socially. In other words, the social side of school has become so difficult and almost unbearable for him at times that he’s developed many disruptive and upsetting behaviors to combat this and is often in a heightened state of stress and anxiety. It has been sad to see and very, very difficult.
I’m not sure what I’m expected to feel about all this. Nothing has changed with this official diagnosis yet, in a subtle way, much has. I also have this strange feeling of having done something wrong in going through with all the evaluations. Perhaps we should have left it alone, kept our fingers crossed, gritted our teeth and hoped for the best. I feel overwhelmed.
But I want the best for my son—not in terms of material success, good jobs, or even many friends. I want his days to be better—I want him to have more happy moments than painfully anxious ones. I want him to go to sleep at night and not wake up in terror; I want him to not feel so burdened by every little thing, with the need to control most aspects of his life to the point that it is physically destructive to his own health.
************
Yesterday at the pool I watched my 6 1/2year old son jump for the first time from the side of the pool and into the water. His body tensed—held back—but he gathered himself and tumbled into the water, popping up seconds later, wet and triumphant. It’s taken him years to build up the courage to do this; I watched him and thought about how it might always take him years to finally get the courage to do what most kids—even his sister—might do unhesitatingly, quickly and over and over again. I don’t want to keep him beside me always—that would sadden me. I want to see him take the leaps, feel the surge of confidence, look a stranger square in the eye; and—most importantly—go through his day and not feel that the world is pressing uncontrollably in on him. Life itself will not be difficult for him; it is the people in the world who will present problems for him; it is the mess of society—a society that moves too quickly and demands too much—that will hold him back, push him further into his cocoon, overwhelm him constantly.
I wish all days for him from here on out could be as uncomplicated as a day by the pool; the water clear and shining, the moment only about the leap, and the happy plunge into the shallows.
I’m posting here because I so badly want to write some things down and can’t on my own blog yet. Perhaps one day I will, but for now I welcome having the opportunity to post this on the back porch, as it were, and thus relieve a little the need I have to write about this and perhaps share it with my blogging friends who know me.
********
My son swam a little for the first time yesterday. He is almost seven and has been holding back for over three years—taking little tentative “steps” towards swimming; afraid but ashamed of his own fear. The water has tormented him—the kids dancing and diving in the deep end have taunted him. But yesterday he swam a little. As I watched I saw that unmistakably his feet left the bottom of the pool and I saw two slender ankles kick out against the water—briefly--but kick out they did, it all the same.
Mama I swam! He shouted, his gap-toothed grin shining from below his blue goggles. I swam!
On the walk home from the pool he asked what day it was.
It’s the 4th of June, we told him.
The 4th of June! He exclaimed. We need to mark this down as the day I learned to swim!
I did mark it down, and in my mind I made another mark. For yesterday was also the day I spoke for over 30 minutes on the telephone with his school psychologist and learned that the head of the autism team had diagnosed him with Asperger’s Syndrome—a form of high-functioning autism.
For the past year we had suspected as much, but had shied away from going down the testing road. We were afraid of labeling him; of causing more harm by perhaps compartmentalizing him into a category that could shape and define him for perhaps the rest of his life. But because of how at times desperately difficult things have been this year—particularly this past winter, we felt suddenly out of our depths. His behaviors were interfering with school—not academically, so much, although we feel is capable of much more than he is able to produce—but socially. In other words, the social side of school has become so difficult and almost unbearable for him at times that he’s developed many disruptive and upsetting behaviors to combat this and is often in a heightened state of stress and anxiety. It has been sad to see and very, very difficult.
I’m not sure what I’m expected to feel about all this. Nothing has changed with this official diagnosis yet, in a subtle way, much has. I also have this strange feeling of having done something wrong in going through with all the evaluations. Perhaps we should have left it alone, kept our fingers crossed, gritted our teeth and hoped for the best. I feel overwhelmed.
But I want the best for my son—not in terms of material success, good jobs, or even many friends. I want his days to be better—I want him to have more happy moments than painfully anxious ones. I want him to go to sleep at night and not wake up in terror; I want him to not feel so burdened by every little thing, with the need to control most aspects of his life to the point that it is physically destructive to his own health.
************
Yesterday at the pool I watched my 6 1/2year old son jump for the first time from the side of the pool and into the water. His body tensed—held back—but he gathered himself and tumbled into the water, popping up seconds later, wet and triumphant. It’s taken him years to build up the courage to do this; I watched him and thought about how it might always take him years to finally get the courage to do what most kids—even his sister—might do unhesitatingly, quickly and over and over again. I don’t want to keep him beside me always—that would sadden me. I want to see him take the leaps, feel the surge of confidence, look a stranger square in the eye; and—most importantly—go through his day and not feel that the world is pressing uncontrollably in on him. Life itself will not be difficult for him; it is the people in the world who will present problems for him; it is the mess of society—a society that moves too quickly and demands too much—that will hold him back, push him further into his cocoon, overwhelm him constantly.
I wish all days for him from here on out could be as uncomplicated as a day by the pool; the water clear and shining, the moment only about the leap, and the happy plunge into the shallows.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Finding the Strength to Leave
Posted By Anonymous.
I don't know what I want anymore!
I can't pretend to be happy anymore!
I can't lie anymore!
I can't pretend anymore!
I don't know what to do...
When violence appears is it worth it to continue? I am so torn oh great now this song comes on Face Down from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, bleh...
I am gonna cry again I hit first so that makes me the bad one right even though I was cornered and had my face squished with his etc etc what do you do this has never happened to this point my body hurts ugh I cannot even make sense right now. I hit him first cause I was soooooo angry after all the stupid BS & being cornered like that for the 100th time! I just wanted to say get out of my face you fuckin ass & ended up yelling at him as to how lazy he is & how much I want him gone & then I just went nuts hitting & well then I was being pulled onto the floor & not the only one hitting!
Now hours later he is asking me why I am not over it & acting happy like WTF is wrong with
him! I mean I understand this is 50% my fault & 50% his but what kind of a question is that does he not expect me to be a bit hateful & weird now I mean UGH I don't know how to act or communicate this right now!
Communictaion is most of my issue I can't let him know how I feel about anything until I have lost it & well he gets pissed & breaks stuff or grabs me & corners me!
Someone help I need advice!
*I have edited this a bit since first posted*
I want to say also I feel that abuse is not ok either way meaning a man should not hit a woman & vise versa a woman should not hit the man! I always said if the girl hits you she is fair game! I think that is why I am soooo torn here since I hit first! I don't have the time nor the want to justify myself or give tons of background except to say I was wrong, but so was he for hitting me back, both of us suck! There are soooo many past events that lead up to this. The many times
we have gotten into fights I have been hurt only slightly and mostly my pride & never pushed back or anything! I just could not take it anymore today & snapped! LOL & one more thing why is it the guy never looks beat up?
_____________________________________________________
I am SOOOOOOOOOOO sick & tired of him watching me look for jobs & doing nothing himself but sitting there watching tv or playing video games. You know not even 5months ago he was sitting in jail for NO CHILD SUPPORT and I spent all my efforts & $700 of bill money +
asking our friends for help to find the $1000 bail to get his LAZY ass out of jail oh & this was during Christmas NICE. Oh & that money that I came up with for bail goes to that bitch I HATE!! Ok so then we have the month of January where he found a job, but only had it for three weeks before being fired!!!! So of course he used almost all that money for Child Support not that I don't understand that, but I mean SERIOUSLY when is he ever gonna make a contribution to THIS family, you know, the one he lives with?
So he goes to court in March they don't arrest him because you know he sent the state money from the job he had in Jan. SOOOOOO now we sit here just like the past THREE FUCKING years now well almost 3yrs and he is still a fucking dead beat dad & a lazy ass person. He does help around the house & does the things I don't wanna do, but seriously when he goes to jail
again in June(next court day) I am packing his shit & leaving town!
I mean why am I sooooo fucking STUPID to just sit here let him hit me, not get a job & have all the stress of having to find the $$$ to take care of things bymyself & OMFG he just lit up a cigarrette in MY fucking house when he knows I HATE it he is supposed to go outside, but like that is gonna happen! You know I have a child with asthma that cig shit sticks in the air & on the furniture but if I say anything it will be a fight!
WTF UGH I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW I WANNA RUN AND SCREAM AND HIDE AND SHOOT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You guys know I quit smoking pot cause you know we don't have the money & he still has
cigs UGH I am gonna start smoking cigs again I swear! Oh & did I mention I have been going through a huge horrible thing with my ex(Jordan's dad) for three years now for child support & he hears me bitch about him & says bad stuff when WTF does he have to say about
anything! STUPID ASSHOLE! Ok so who can I move in with or who wants to help me kill him cause he will not leave he tells me to go! Sad fact is I don't want him to go only because we have the best mind splitting, mind numbing craziest sex I have ever had & I will
SO miss it, it's great!
I think I have lost my mind! :( & I know what you are thinking have a talk with him & well that does nothing AT ALL he does not even try to look for a job not on craigslist not in person UGH I hate myself for doing this to myself... Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want this to be better? Why doesn't he want to be a real man & help his family? You guys all know that I would be fine with him staying at home me working full time if he would just get a part time job to pay his child support I AM NOT GONNA DO IT FOR HIM OVER MY DEAD BODY! & he wants to marry me yea right so I can be liable for his lazy ass & his child support that is soooo not gonna
happen! So tell me WTF! Oh & I have decided to finally get my GED this is partially due to the fact that I want & need to have a decent job and they usually require at least a GED. I do have a diploma my dad made me (fake of course) that has worked for most jobs, but since looking into this job in Gatesville I have realized that I need the real thing if not only for that job but many others! So please wish me luck I have been studing or at least trying to between everything else but when I take the pretests I suck so... lol.
I want to be happy I really do I cannot understand what I did to deserve this... The children I love to death they are not the problem it is my man if you can call him that... I am having such an issue with all the crap and the GUILT I feel about the fact that I am leaving him. I have to leave he is verbally & occasionally physically violent. Always uses fear to stop an argument to make himself right I could go on and on, but I digress. I have to get to the point where I have somewhere else to go and the monies saved up. It could be another month and I am going
insane. Please give me the strength to continue on!!!!!
I don't know what I want anymore!
I can't pretend to be happy anymore!
I can't lie anymore!
I can't pretend anymore!
I don't know what to do...
When violence appears is it worth it to continue? I am so torn oh great now this song comes on Face Down from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, bleh...
I am gonna cry again I hit first so that makes me the bad one right even though I was cornered and had my face squished with his etc etc what do you do this has never happened to this point my body hurts ugh I cannot even make sense right now. I hit him first cause I was soooooo angry after all the stupid BS & being cornered like that for the 100th time! I just wanted to say get out of my face you fuckin ass & ended up yelling at him as to how lazy he is & how much I want him gone & then I just went nuts hitting & well then I was being pulled onto the floor & not the only one hitting!
Now hours later he is asking me why I am not over it & acting happy like WTF is wrong with
him! I mean I understand this is 50% my fault & 50% his but what kind of a question is that does he not expect me to be a bit hateful & weird now I mean UGH I don't know how to act or communicate this right now!
Communictaion is most of my issue I can't let him know how I feel about anything until I have lost it & well he gets pissed & breaks stuff or grabs me & corners me!
Someone help I need advice!
*I have edited this a bit since first posted*
I want to say also I feel that abuse is not ok either way meaning a man should not hit a woman & vise versa a woman should not hit the man! I always said if the girl hits you she is fair game! I think that is why I am soooo torn here since I hit first! I don't have the time nor the want to justify myself or give tons of background except to say I was wrong, but so was he for hitting me back, both of us suck! There are soooo many past events that lead up to this. The many times
we have gotten into fights I have been hurt only slightly and mostly my pride & never pushed back or anything! I just could not take it anymore today & snapped! LOL & one more thing why is it the guy never looks beat up?
_____________________________________________________
I am SOOOOOOOOOOO sick & tired of him watching me look for jobs & doing nothing himself but sitting there watching tv or playing video games. You know not even 5months ago he was sitting in jail for NO CHILD SUPPORT and I spent all my efforts & $700 of bill money +
asking our friends for help to find the $1000 bail to get his LAZY ass out of jail oh & this was during Christmas NICE. Oh & that money that I came up with for bail goes to that bitch I HATE!! Ok so then we have the month of January where he found a job, but only had it for three weeks before being fired!!!! So of course he used almost all that money for Child Support not that I don't understand that, but I mean SERIOUSLY when is he ever gonna make a contribution to THIS family, you know, the one he lives with?
So he goes to court in March they don't arrest him because you know he sent the state money from the job he had in Jan. SOOOOOO now we sit here just like the past THREE FUCKING years now well almost 3yrs and he is still a fucking dead beat dad & a lazy ass person. He does help around the house & does the things I don't wanna do, but seriously when he goes to jail
again in June(next court day) I am packing his shit & leaving town!
I mean why am I sooooo fucking STUPID to just sit here let him hit me, not get a job & have all the stress of having to find the $$$ to take care of things bymyself & OMFG he just lit up a cigarrette in MY fucking house when he knows I HATE it he is supposed to go outside, but like that is gonna happen! You know I have a child with asthma that cig shit sticks in the air & on the furniture but if I say anything it will be a fight!
WTF UGH I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW I WANNA RUN AND SCREAM AND HIDE AND SHOOT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You guys know I quit smoking pot cause you know we don't have the money & he still has
cigs UGH I am gonna start smoking cigs again I swear! Oh & did I mention I have been going through a huge horrible thing with my ex(Jordan's dad) for three years now for child support & he hears me bitch about him & says bad stuff when WTF does he have to say about
anything! STUPID ASSHOLE! Ok so who can I move in with or who wants to help me kill him cause he will not leave he tells me to go! Sad fact is I don't want him to go only because we have the best mind splitting, mind numbing craziest sex I have ever had & I will
SO miss it, it's great!
I think I have lost my mind! :( & I know what you are thinking have a talk with him & well that does nothing AT ALL he does not even try to look for a job not on craigslist not in person UGH I hate myself for doing this to myself... Why doesn't he care? Why doesn't he want this to be better? Why doesn't he want to be a real man & help his family? You guys all know that I would be fine with him staying at home me working full time if he would just get a part time job to pay his child support I AM NOT GONNA DO IT FOR HIM OVER MY DEAD BODY! & he wants to marry me yea right so I can be liable for his lazy ass & his child support that is soooo not gonna
happen! So tell me WTF! Oh & I have decided to finally get my GED this is partially due to the fact that I want & need to have a decent job and they usually require at least a GED. I do have a diploma my dad made me (fake of course) that has worked for most jobs, but since looking into this job in Gatesville I have realized that I need the real thing if not only for that job but many others! So please wish me luck I have been studing or at least trying to between everything else but when I take the pretests I suck so... lol.
I want to be happy I really do I cannot understand what I did to deserve this... The children I love to death they are not the problem it is my man if you can call him that... I am having such an issue with all the crap and the GUILT I feel about the fact that I am leaving him. I have to leave he is verbally & occasionally physically violent. Always uses fear to stop an argument to make himself right I could go on and on, but I digress. I have to get to the point where I have somewhere else to go and the monies saved up. It could be another month and I am going
insane. Please give me the strength to continue on!!!!!
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Not True Love: Now What?
Posted by Anonymous.
Let me say first that I am not perfect. I have a bipolar disorder and some severe anger issues. I have a tendency to be controlling, I have high standards (some would say too high), and I am incredibly stubborn. I can be very difficult to live with (it could be said hell to live with), although I am working so hard to change that, because the last thing I want is my son to inherit those *charming* qualities. That said, let me explain why I am writing this. I don't really know how to say this nicely, but I don't want to marry my fiancé. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him, and to be quite honest, I don't really want him to be the one raising my son, although I know I really have very little choice in that particular matter.
I am completely not attracted to him. I think that the reason I was even remotely attracted to him at first was the fact that I had just been through several awful relationships in rapid succession, and he was so nice and gentle and unassuming. But I'm pretty resilient and I got over those pretty quickly. At which point, had the situation not been what it is, I most likely would have broken it off with him. It's not my intent to use him, but my judgment was severely impaired when we started dating. I can't stand the fact that he has absolutely no idea how to dress himself nicely, or the fact that he is so incredibly hairy, or that he doesn't take care of himself at all. He often looks like a homeless person (and I know, we know quite a few homeless people). He eats terrible food and doesn't exercise at all. He rarely bathes or shaves unless I tell him to, dresses in clothes that are unsuited to his body shape and are too tight, accentuating the fact that he is overweight and has horrible "thunder-thighs" and a gut that is much larger than my 6-month pregnant belly. He wears dirty clothes and just in general presents himself terribly.
On top of his lack of care with his personal appearance, he is incredibly lazy. In all aspects of his life, he does just barely enough to squeak by. He hates working at pretty much any job open to him given his level of education and expertise, instead only taking jobs as a caregiver for disabled adults. He works 15-20 hours per week, most of which are spent doing things like hanging out with some lonely old person watching TV, with the occasional hour or two spent cleaning up their house or running errands for them.
At home, he requires explicit instructions to do anything, and then acts like cleaning up around the house is some kind of favor to me. Um, I don't think so. If he lives here, he is just as responsible for making sure it stays clean as I am. He also gets angry when I give him specific instructions on how to do something, complaining I am treating him like an idiot, when the only reason I am doing it is because if I don't give step by step directions, he either doesn't do the entire job, or does it completely wrong ( i.e. when we are out of dishwasher soap, hand washing requires washing, rinsing, and putting away). He has no desire to go to school or get any kind of vocational training or to ever work a job beyond what he is doing now. The few times I have brought it up, he gets very irritated and complains that I am trying to force him into doing something he's just not cut out for ( i.e. school).
He says his only goal in life is to have a family. I have asked him many times how he planned to support that family, what he would do, where he might want to live, opinions on major issues like circumcision, discipline etc, and he never has an answer. He says he never really thought about it. And he gets very upset at me when I try and get him to think about it. In fact, pretty much any time he is required to do any kind of thinking about something, he doesn't want to do it.
I can't stand his laziness or his lack of self respect. I can't stand how he never thinks of anything even when pressed. I can't stand how he acts like taking care of his house is some sort of favor to me. He is so completely opposite of me in some ways. I think you should always do a job right and to the best of your ability the first time you do it, as this shows pride in your work and your self. I think you should always try and look your best and present yourself in the best light (those 3am runs to the convenience store for coffee and candy bars aside). I cannot even fathom not thinking about things and making informed decisions about things, especially regarding something as important as raising your children. And I absolutely do not understand not having any drive to better one's self. Isn't that an essential component of our humanity, the drive to do and be better than we presently are?
Most importantly, I don't want my kid to grow up thinking these things are ok.
So here's my problem. I'm sure you are saying by now "so leave him! Obviously you aren't right for each other and this kind of relationship can't be healthy for your child to be born into!" and I understand that and completely agree. However, I simply can't afford it. I have no money, no relatives to fall back on, and I already work 30+ hours per week, which is killing me as it is. I live in California, so if you're familiar with the U.S., you know that it is an incredibly expensive state. On top of this, I have one more problem: a few months after my son is born I will be going into a vocational program funded by the government. Now, this program is fantastic. It is paid for by the state, you live on campus and get 3 squares a day, paid training, job placement, a clothing allowance and even an allowance for things like entertainment or toiletries or whatever little incidentals you might need. The problem is that I can't take my baby with me. It's in a major city 2 hours from here, and you can go home on weekends. So while I'm gone, I'm going to need someone to take care of the baby. My mom has offered to help as much as possible, but she is currently going through a divorce and by that time will be working many, many hours a week just to provide for herself and my brother, so her time to help will be limited. I am afraid that if I leave now, my fiancé will not be willing to take care of the baby for the 6-8 months the program lasts.
I'm sorry, but I am not going to give up my life and my goals to break out of the poverty that has marked my entire life. I refuse to let my kid grow up as poor as I did. I do feel guilty that I will be leaving my little baby to get an education for much of his first year, but my life shouldn't and can't be ruined because I was stupid and got pregnant. So I'm not really sure what I'm asking for. Or if I am asking anything. I just wanted to be able to tell someone how I felt. Please, don't judge me or say I'm a horrible person for this. I just want my son to have the best life possible, regardless of the fact that for a while, I'm going to have to sacrifice seeing all the little milestones he'll reach while I'm away at school. I don't see any other way. I can't handle more than one major thing at once: I crash and burn. I've done it time and time again, and the last thing I want to crash and burn at is being a mother. That's a whole lot less fixable than many of my other mistakes.
I am sorry this is so long... I just feel as if there was a lot to get off my chest.
Let me say first that I am not perfect. I have a bipolar disorder and some severe anger issues. I have a tendency to be controlling, I have high standards (some would say too high), and I am incredibly stubborn. I can be very difficult to live with (it could be said hell to live with), although I am working so hard to change that, because the last thing I want is my son to inherit those *charming* qualities. That said, let me explain why I am writing this. I don't really know how to say this nicely, but I don't want to marry my fiancé. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him, and to be quite honest, I don't really want him to be the one raising my son, although I know I really have very little choice in that particular matter.
I am completely not attracted to him. I think that the reason I was even remotely attracted to him at first was the fact that I had just been through several awful relationships in rapid succession, and he was so nice and gentle and unassuming. But I'm pretty resilient and I got over those pretty quickly. At which point, had the situation not been what it is, I most likely would have broken it off with him. It's not my intent to use him, but my judgment was severely impaired when we started dating. I can't stand the fact that he has absolutely no idea how to dress himself nicely, or the fact that he is so incredibly hairy, or that he doesn't take care of himself at all. He often looks like a homeless person (and I know, we know quite a few homeless people). He eats terrible food and doesn't exercise at all. He rarely bathes or shaves unless I tell him to, dresses in clothes that are unsuited to his body shape and are too tight, accentuating the fact that he is overweight and has horrible "thunder-thighs" and a gut that is much larger than my 6-month pregnant belly. He wears dirty clothes and just in general presents himself terribly.
On top of his lack of care with his personal appearance, he is incredibly lazy. In all aspects of his life, he does just barely enough to squeak by. He hates working at pretty much any job open to him given his level of education and expertise, instead only taking jobs as a caregiver for disabled adults. He works 15-20 hours per week, most of which are spent doing things like hanging out with some lonely old person watching TV, with the occasional hour or two spent cleaning up their house or running errands for them.
At home, he requires explicit instructions to do anything, and then acts like cleaning up around the house is some kind of favor to me. Um, I don't think so. If he lives here, he is just as responsible for making sure it stays clean as I am. He also gets angry when I give him specific instructions on how to do something, complaining I am treating him like an idiot, when the only reason I am doing it is because if I don't give step by step directions, he either doesn't do the entire job, or does it completely wrong ( i.e. when we are out of dishwasher soap, hand washing requires washing, rinsing, and putting away). He has no desire to go to school or get any kind of vocational training or to ever work a job beyond what he is doing now. The few times I have brought it up, he gets very irritated and complains that I am trying to force him into doing something he's just not cut out for ( i.e. school).
He says his only goal in life is to have a family. I have asked him many times how he planned to support that family, what he would do, where he might want to live, opinions on major issues like circumcision, discipline etc, and he never has an answer. He says he never really thought about it. And he gets very upset at me when I try and get him to think about it. In fact, pretty much any time he is required to do any kind of thinking about something, he doesn't want to do it.
I can't stand his laziness or his lack of self respect. I can't stand how he never thinks of anything even when pressed. I can't stand how he acts like taking care of his house is some sort of favor to me. He is so completely opposite of me in some ways. I think you should always do a job right and to the best of your ability the first time you do it, as this shows pride in your work and your self. I think you should always try and look your best and present yourself in the best light (those 3am runs to the convenience store for coffee and candy bars aside). I cannot even fathom not thinking about things and making informed decisions about things, especially regarding something as important as raising your children. And I absolutely do not understand not having any drive to better one's self. Isn't that an essential component of our humanity, the drive to do and be better than we presently are?
Most importantly, I don't want my kid to grow up thinking these things are ok.
So here's my problem. I'm sure you are saying by now "so leave him! Obviously you aren't right for each other and this kind of relationship can't be healthy for your child to be born into!" and I understand that and completely agree. However, I simply can't afford it. I have no money, no relatives to fall back on, and I already work 30+ hours per week, which is killing me as it is. I live in California, so if you're familiar with the U.S., you know that it is an incredibly expensive state. On top of this, I have one more problem: a few months after my son is born I will be going into a vocational program funded by the government. Now, this program is fantastic. It is paid for by the state, you live on campus and get 3 squares a day, paid training, job placement, a clothing allowance and even an allowance for things like entertainment or toiletries or whatever little incidentals you might need. The problem is that I can't take my baby with me. It's in a major city 2 hours from here, and you can go home on weekends. So while I'm gone, I'm going to need someone to take care of the baby. My mom has offered to help as much as possible, but she is currently going through a divorce and by that time will be working many, many hours a week just to provide for herself and my brother, so her time to help will be limited. I am afraid that if I leave now, my fiancé will not be willing to take care of the baby for the 6-8 months the program lasts.
I'm sorry, but I am not going to give up my life and my goals to break out of the poverty that has marked my entire life. I refuse to let my kid grow up as poor as I did. I do feel guilty that I will be leaving my little baby to get an education for much of his first year, but my life shouldn't and can't be ruined because I was stupid and got pregnant. So I'm not really sure what I'm asking for. Or if I am asking anything. I just wanted to be able to tell someone how I felt. Please, don't judge me or say I'm a horrible person for this. I just want my son to have the best life possible, regardless of the fact that for a while, I'm going to have to sacrifice seeing all the little milestones he'll reach while I'm away at school. I don't see any other way. I can't handle more than one major thing at once: I crash and burn. I've done it time and time again, and the last thing I want to crash and burn at is being a mother. That's a whole lot less fixable than many of my other mistakes.
I am sorry this is so long... I just feel as if there was a lot to get off my chest.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Dear Sister-In-Law...
Posted by Anonymous.
Dear Sister-in-Law,
I am not the best parent in the world, but I am better than you. How dare you yell at my child last night in your parents house because she brought a cookie downstairs. First, this is not your house. Second, cookies downstairs are allowed in grandma's house. Third, she's not your kid to yell at. Fourth, don't get out of it by saying that's your pet peeve. I was at your house last week and you know what I found? Candy wrappers by the guest bed and a moldy apple core in your bathroom. Hypocrite. And how dare you mock my child for using manners. IT'S WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO WHO WANT FRIENDS.
You want to know what my pet peeve is? That you tell your kids to shut up, you hit them, you slap them, you call them names. All you do is yell. You hit them when they hit their siblings and follow with a "DON'T HIT". You tell them "don't call your brother names, stupid." Instead of playing with them you ignore them and if they dare try to talk to you your response is "GO AWAY YOU'RE ANNOYING ME!"
You expect your kids to be so well behaved with this martial law you lay down. The big problem is that you are more immature than your five year old. Grow up and treat your kids with respect if you ever want them to do the same. You're kids are adorable and just want POSITIVE attention.
And another thing-a $4,000 washer and dryer? A $6,000 60" TV? A brand new car whenever you get sick of the old one? Your parents are making your house payment and these are your priorities? How about you spent $10 and get some pants for your kids? Why are they always in diapers and dirty disgusting t-shirts? I don't get you.
These are the things I want to say, but we are family, so I don't.
Thanks for listening.
-the one with the clean kid.
Dear Sister-in-Law,
I am not the best parent in the world, but I am better than you. How dare you yell at my child last night in your parents house because she brought a cookie downstairs. First, this is not your house. Second, cookies downstairs are allowed in grandma's house. Third, she's not your kid to yell at. Fourth, don't get out of it by saying that's your pet peeve. I was at your house last week and you know what I found? Candy wrappers by the guest bed and a moldy apple core in your bathroom. Hypocrite. And how dare you mock my child for using manners. IT'S WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO WHO WANT FRIENDS.
You want to know what my pet peeve is? That you tell your kids to shut up, you hit them, you slap them, you call them names. All you do is yell. You hit them when they hit their siblings and follow with a "DON'T HIT". You tell them "don't call your brother names, stupid." Instead of playing with them you ignore them and if they dare try to talk to you your response is "GO AWAY YOU'RE ANNOYING ME!"
You expect your kids to be so well behaved with this martial law you lay down. The big problem is that you are more immature than your five year old. Grow up and treat your kids with respect if you ever want them to do the same. You're kids are adorable and just want POSITIVE attention.
And another thing-a $4,000 washer and dryer? A $6,000 60" TV? A brand new car whenever you get sick of the old one? Your parents are making your house payment and these are your priorities? How about you spent $10 and get some pants for your kids? Why are they always in diapers and dirty disgusting t-shirts? I don't get you.
These are the things I want to say, but we are family, so I don't.
Thanks for listening.
-the one with the clean kid.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Please Help
Posted by Anonymous.
My husband punched me in the back of the head...
I need to end this marriage and I have no idea how.
Any advice from the many who have done this? Is there a right way and a wrong way??
I am a SAHM and a student... with 3 kids.
Thank you!
My husband punched me in the back of the head...
I need to end this marriage and I have no idea how.
Any advice from the many who have done this? Is there a right way and a wrong way??
I am a SAHM and a student... with 3 kids.
Thank you!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
College Confession
Posted by Anonymous, to Anonymous.
Dear Professor C,
You were my instructor for two types of classes: Accounting and Economics. I was a brilliant student in your Accounting classes; in your Economics classes, however, I was an abysmal failure, so why did you give me an “A” that even I know I did not deserve?
I skipped Economics classes once a week on purpose--to go shopping, to do homework for other classes, to have lunch with friends, to go home for a nap. There were times (maybe two) that I missed class for a legitimate reason--an apartment inspection, a sick child. When I did bother to show up for class, I didn’t pay attention--I slept (that would explain the ball cap), wrote letters, did homework for other classes, did crossword puzzles, wrote poetry, and occasionally read books or magazines.
I know why I was not inspired to bring my performance in that class above “lousy.” I hate Economics. Economics bores me; it puts me straight to sleep. This is not your fault. If I had not been required to take the Economics classes for my major, rest assured that I would not have done so.
I am grateful that you did give me an “A”, while at the same time feeling guilty for receiving the “A” undeservedly. I know for certain that I earned an “F” in both Economics classes I had with you, maybe a “D-” if you were feeling charitable, but an “A”? C’mon, now.
Considering that my attendance was less than 50%, most of my homework was turned in late and especially considering the fact that I cheated on the final, I don’t know what you were thinking giving me a good grade in Economics, except that you are the only professor who teaches that subject at our small college and you were, perhaps, hoping not to see me in those classes again .
Understandable.
Inappropriate, but understandable.
I like you and I know you like me, too.
You are my favorite professor and I (and all the other students in class) know that I am your favorite student.
I know that I got away with nothing short of murder in your classroom every single semester for three years straight. I know the other students thought I was sucking up when I occasionally brought you a coffee (I worked in a coffee shop, I got coffee for free) or when I sometimes brought your favorite chocolaty treat (the fun-size bags of Snickers were on sale around the holidays), but that was before the Economics classes, and I certainly didn’t need a boost on my grades in the Accounting classes--I’m just nice. When the Economics classes started, I saw no reason to change my pattern of behavior.
I’m sure some of the other students even thought we were sleeping together; I’m glad that neither of us ever came close to approaching that line, much less crossing it. I’m not saying I would have done it (because I wouldn’t have), but I’m happy that we can respect each other, knowing that our relationship remained purely that of teacher and student.
Luckily, I am not currently employed in a position that I would need to know the things I did not learn (by no fault of your own) in your Economics classes.
Likewise, my disdain for all things Economical is not your fault, either.
I will not be taking any classes with you when I return to college in the fall… for two reasons. First (and easiest) I am admitted to a degree program that does not contain any required classes taught by you. Second (and most important) I have the utmost respect for you and have no wish to put you in a position that you would even consider giving me another unearned “A”.
I hope to see you around campus when classes begin this fall. We should hang out sometime. You bring the coffee, I’ll bring the Snickers!
Your favorite student,
K
Dear Professor C,
You were my instructor for two types of classes: Accounting and Economics. I was a brilliant student in your Accounting classes; in your Economics classes, however, I was an abysmal failure, so why did you give me an “A” that even I know I did not deserve?
I skipped Economics classes once a week on purpose--to go shopping, to do homework for other classes, to have lunch with friends, to go home for a nap. There were times (maybe two) that I missed class for a legitimate reason--an apartment inspection, a sick child. When I did bother to show up for class, I didn’t pay attention--I slept (that would explain the ball cap), wrote letters, did homework for other classes, did crossword puzzles, wrote poetry, and occasionally read books or magazines.
I know why I was not inspired to bring my performance in that class above “lousy.” I hate Economics. Economics bores me; it puts me straight to sleep. This is not your fault. If I had not been required to take the Economics classes for my major, rest assured that I would not have done so.
I am grateful that you did give me an “A”, while at the same time feeling guilty for receiving the “A” undeservedly. I know for certain that I earned an “F” in both Economics classes I had with you, maybe a “D-” if you were feeling charitable, but an “A”? C’mon, now.
Considering that my attendance was less than 50%, most of my homework was turned in late and especially considering the fact that I cheated on the final, I don’t know what you were thinking giving me a good grade in Economics, except that you are the only professor who teaches that subject at our small college and you were, perhaps, hoping not to see me in those classes again .
Understandable.
Inappropriate, but understandable.
I like you and I know you like me, too.
You are my favorite professor and I (and all the other students in class) know that I am your favorite student.
I know that I got away with nothing short of murder in your classroom every single semester for three years straight. I know the other students thought I was sucking up when I occasionally brought you a coffee (I worked in a coffee shop, I got coffee for free) or when I sometimes brought your favorite chocolaty treat (the fun-size bags of Snickers were on sale around the holidays), but that was before the Economics classes, and I certainly didn’t need a boost on my grades in the Accounting classes--I’m just nice. When the Economics classes started, I saw no reason to change my pattern of behavior.
I’m sure some of the other students even thought we were sleeping together; I’m glad that neither of us ever came close to approaching that line, much less crossing it. I’m not saying I would have done it (because I wouldn’t have), but I’m happy that we can respect each other, knowing that our relationship remained purely that of teacher and student.
Luckily, I am not currently employed in a position that I would need to know the things I did not learn (by no fault of your own) in your Economics classes.
Likewise, my disdain for all things Economical is not your fault, either.
I will not be taking any classes with you when I return to college in the fall… for two reasons. First (and easiest) I am admitted to a degree program that does not contain any required classes taught by you. Second (and most important) I have the utmost respect for you and have no wish to put you in a position that you would even consider giving me another unearned “A”.
I hope to see you around campus when classes begin this fall. We should hang out sometime. You bring the coffee, I’ll bring the Snickers!
Your favorite student,
K
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Let's Talk About Sex
Posted by Anonymous.
I can't take it anymore. I am in a completely sexless marriage and I am so sad about it. My husband and I have only had sex once in the last 3 years. I am ready for baby #2. He says he is but then does nothing to make this happen. Worse, when I try to initiate he has no interest.
I don't know what to do anymore. At this point I am ready to leave. I do not want to live in a marriage where it is 2 roommates raising a child! I am HORNY god damn it!!!!!!!! My vibrator sees lots of action but it isn't enough.
I am sure my husband is depressed or suffering from low testosterone. He won't got see a dr. but I am not ready to threaten. So many friends tell me that don't have sex that often but I am not sure I believe them.
We have been together for 14 years. Sex has always been an issue because I was raped in high school and didn't really like sex. Now I am so ready and he isn't into it at all. What the fuck?????? How long do I suffer? Any suggestions?????????? Help please.
I can't take it anymore. I am in a completely sexless marriage and I am so sad about it. My husband and I have only had sex once in the last 3 years. I am ready for baby #2. He says he is but then does nothing to make this happen. Worse, when I try to initiate he has no interest.
I don't know what to do anymore. At this point I am ready to leave. I do not want to live in a marriage where it is 2 roommates raising a child! I am HORNY god damn it!!!!!!!! My vibrator sees lots of action but it isn't enough.
I am sure my husband is depressed or suffering from low testosterone. He won't got see a dr. but I am not ready to threaten. So many friends tell me that don't have sex that often but I am not sure I believe them.
We have been together for 14 years. Sex has always been an issue because I was raped in high school and didn't really like sex. Now I am so ready and he isn't into it at all. What the fuck?????? How long do I suffer? Any suggestions?????????? Help please.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Why I Hate Child Support
Posted by Arkie Mama (cross-posted here)
This issue has caused more stress in my life and on my marriage than any other. It's difficult enough to muddle through finances with your partner. Try adding in another household and state laws that make no sense. I am so frustrated and depressed right now. I need to know that at some point, we'll catch a break. But really, I don't see how.
I hate child support...
...and the calculations behind it. (Here, it's based solely on the father's income and applies only to the children of the divorce. Children from any future marriages are not factored in.)
... Because on the very night I'm trying to figure out how (and when) we can afford to buy some spring/summer clothes for Tootie, Hubs comes back from his ex-wife's house talking — no, let's make that "gushing" — about Stepson's new Wii system.
... Because for the first two years of our marriage, when the ex arrived every other weekend, she always had a list for Hubs of all the "extra" expenses, which usually totaled, on average, about $150 to $200. That's $300 to $400 a month ON TOP OF child support.
... Because she always left with a check.
... Because when I got pregnant, even though Hubs always paid several hundred dollars a month MORE than required by state law in child support — not just the "extras" but also one-half of day care and, later, after-school care — the ex sued him for additional money.
... Because while I worry each month about how we will afford new shoes or clothes or day care-related expenses or birthdays, holidays, etc... etc... for the kids, his ex is putting in an in-ground pool, ordering custom-made furniture or re-doing their house (for the millionth time) or installing a tikki bar out back.
... Because I never knew what debt was — or how scary it is — until I married a divorced father.
... Because a divorced mom knows for sure she'll get xxx number of dollars each month whereas a woman married to a divorced dad shuffles and repriortizes and puts off purchases because she has to work with what is left.
... Because most states don't recognize fathers as parents with the same rights as mothers.
... Because even though we can't afford to buy a new washing machine, even after the repairman told us our current one was an ancient piece of shit that can't be fixed and it frequently attacks the dryer like some rabid beast, the ex-wife and her hubs are tooling around in their travel trailer or on his fully loaded Honda motorcycle.
... Because my glasses are 6 years old, but I can't yet justify new ones, because Hubs needs new glasses and contacts, because I still owe the dentist a hunk of money, because Tootie still needs to go to the dentist, because there are so many things, big and little, and plumbing issues and on and on and on that we've put off buying for months, but to HER it's no big deal to just zip out and buy a fucking Wii. Or a shiny red, fully loaded Camaro convertible.
... Because I remember the look on Hubs face when she pulled up in that car. Shortly after suing him for more money.
... Because I've skipped birthday parties and other social functions when we didn't have the money for presents or food contributions. But god forbid that stepson doesn't get a car by the day he turns 16 (in June). Oh, and by the way, can we chip in for half of his insurance?
(Um... excuse me ex, but when you and Hubs sold your house, is it not correct that you walked away with $30,000 and he received $1,500 per your divorce decree? I know it is because I've read it. I also read the document Hubs' attorney made him sign saying she had advised him against such an unfair split. As always, however, he gave in to you. For the kids. So hey, why not consider your profit on that little number Hubs' insurance contribution? Sounds like a good idea to me.
...Because it's fucking unfair. Because child support laws make it near impossible for a man to remarry or have additional children. A woman, however, gets the child support, a new spouse and his salary, and whatever income she earns.
...Because in order for things to be truly equitable, I would have to divorce my husband. Because then Hubs' paycheck would be divided among ALL FOUR KIDS.
... Because my brother-in-law raised four kids without a dime of child support from his ex-wife. Because the only thing we ever hear about are "deadbeat dads" when really, the mothers are equal offenders. C'mon, are we still employing 1950s thinking here? Geez. If you're going to pursue the fathers, then -- HELLO?! -- go after the mothers too. Because a lot of them don't pay either.
... Because Hubs is a great dad who has given and given and given. And because of the guilt he feels when he can't provide the same things for the second set of kids.
Yeah, I'm in a bad mood. Yeah, I'm pissed. And yeah, the fucking Wii was the fucking last straw.
I hate the greediness, unfairness and resentment that the current system breeds. I hate the stupid, gender-specific child support laws. I hate that my kids will always get the leftovers. If there are any leftovers. And yeah, it makes me resentful and yeah, I'm probably a horrible stepmother for feeling so resentful. I hate feeling like such a bitch because my stepkids are great, and I don't want to see them deprived of anything, but goddammit it pains me to see my own kids go without necessities while the other household gets a Wii the minute they hit the market.
But tra-la-fucking-la, life goes fucking on, and I'll just have to re-budget — again — this month, and try not to turn into a raging maniac as stepson's birthday approaches and the ex starts calling about a car.
(I posted this last night, after drinking much wine at a girlfriend's house and having yet another freakout session over finances. Then I reconsidered and took it down. But hey, what the hell. I'm re-posting and people can think I'm horrible. Cuz this is life as a stepmom, folks, and it isn't always easy. And there's a helluva a lot of room for resentment.)
This issue has caused more stress in my life and on my marriage than any other. It's difficult enough to muddle through finances with your partner. Try adding in another household and state laws that make no sense. I am so frustrated and depressed right now. I need to know that at some point, we'll catch a break. But really, I don't see how.
I hate child support...
...and the calculations behind it. (Here, it's based solely on the father's income and applies only to the children of the divorce. Children from any future marriages are not factored in.)
... Because on the very night I'm trying to figure out how (and when) we can afford to buy some spring/summer clothes for Tootie, Hubs comes back from his ex-wife's house talking — no, let's make that "gushing" — about Stepson's new Wii system.
... Because for the first two years of our marriage, when the ex arrived every other weekend, she always had a list for Hubs of all the "extra" expenses, which usually totaled, on average, about $150 to $200. That's $300 to $400 a month ON TOP OF child support.
... Because she always left with a check.
... Because when I got pregnant, even though Hubs always paid several hundred dollars a month MORE than required by state law in child support — not just the "extras" but also one-half of day care and, later, after-school care — the ex sued him for additional money.
... Because while I worry each month about how we will afford new shoes or clothes or day care-related expenses or birthdays, holidays, etc... etc... for the kids, his ex is putting in an in-ground pool, ordering custom-made furniture or re-doing their house (for the millionth time) or installing a tikki bar out back.
... Because I never knew what debt was — or how scary it is — until I married a divorced father.
... Because a divorced mom knows for sure she'll get xxx number of dollars each month whereas a woman married to a divorced dad shuffles and repriortizes and puts off purchases because she has to work with what is left.
... Because most states don't recognize fathers as parents with the same rights as mothers.
... Because even though we can't afford to buy a new washing machine, even after the repairman told us our current one was an ancient piece of shit that can't be fixed and it frequently attacks the dryer like some rabid beast, the ex-wife and her hubs are tooling around in their travel trailer or on his fully loaded Honda motorcycle.
... Because my glasses are 6 years old, but I can't yet justify new ones, because Hubs needs new glasses and contacts, because I still owe the dentist a hunk of money, because Tootie still needs to go to the dentist, because there are so many things, big and little, and plumbing issues and on and on and on that we've put off buying for months, but to HER it's no big deal to just zip out and buy a fucking Wii. Or a shiny red, fully loaded Camaro convertible.
... Because I remember the look on Hubs face when she pulled up in that car. Shortly after suing him for more money.
... Because I've skipped birthday parties and other social functions when we didn't have the money for presents or food contributions. But god forbid that stepson doesn't get a car by the day he turns 16 (in June). Oh, and by the way, can we chip in for half of his insurance?
(Um... excuse me ex, but when you and Hubs sold your house, is it not correct that you walked away with $30,000 and he received $1,500 per your divorce decree? I know it is because I've read it. I also read the document Hubs' attorney made him sign saying she had advised him against such an unfair split. As always, however, he gave in to you. For the kids. So hey, why not consider your profit on that little number Hubs' insurance contribution? Sounds like a good idea to me.
...Because it's fucking unfair. Because child support laws make it near impossible for a man to remarry or have additional children. A woman, however, gets the child support, a new spouse and his salary, and whatever income she earns.
...Because in order for things to be truly equitable, I would have to divorce my husband. Because then Hubs' paycheck would be divided among ALL FOUR KIDS.
... Because my brother-in-law raised four kids without a dime of child support from his ex-wife. Because the only thing we ever hear about are "deadbeat dads" when really, the mothers are equal offenders. C'mon, are we still employing 1950s thinking here? Geez. If you're going to pursue the fathers, then -- HELLO?! -- go after the mothers too. Because a lot of them don't pay either.
... Because Hubs is a great dad who has given and given and given. And because of the guilt he feels when he can't provide the same things for the second set of kids.
Yeah, I'm in a bad mood. Yeah, I'm pissed. And yeah, the fucking Wii was the fucking last straw.
I hate the greediness, unfairness and resentment that the current system breeds. I hate the stupid, gender-specific child support laws. I hate that my kids will always get the leftovers. If there are any leftovers. And yeah, it makes me resentful and yeah, I'm probably a horrible stepmother for feeling so resentful. I hate feeling like such a bitch because my stepkids are great, and I don't want to see them deprived of anything, but goddammit it pains me to see my own kids go without necessities while the other household gets a Wii the minute they hit the market.
But tra-la-fucking-la, life goes fucking on, and I'll just have to re-budget — again — this month, and try not to turn into a raging maniac as stepson's birthday approaches and the ex starts calling about a car.
(I posted this last night, after drinking much wine at a girlfriend's house and having yet another freakout session over finances. Then I reconsidered and took it down. But hey, what the hell. I'm re-posting and people can think I'm horrible. Cuz this is life as a stepmom, folks, and it isn't always easy. And there's a helluva a lot of room for resentment.)
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