YOUR BRAINWASHING HAS FAILED

Posted by Anonymous.

Its 11:23 p.m. I've spent all day, and most of the evening preparing for my son's birthday. You joined me at the store only because you seen I had done my hair. God forbid anyone hit on me, right? It's been five years, and I hate you. I utterly detest you. In fact, I hardly doubt I ever had any feelings other than resentment towards you.

You moved into my life swiftly those five years ago: pretending to be some knight in shining armor. You have amounted to nothing more than demonic. I care not for your "mental" problems, your upbringing, or your addictions. Everything that has gone wrong in your life has been someone else's fault- but mainly, mine- even at times where I couldn't have possibly been there and had any saying in your life- the fault has still yet... been mine.

You tell everyone I'm crazy, disturbed, and have various mental problems. You even tell this to my kids. Contrary to your pathetic words, it is YOU that is disturbed and crazy. You stripped me of the polite, kind and caring human being I was once. There is not one part of my life you haven't touched upon and made fun of; even straight down to my personality. It is you, that is crazy.

You live your life pretending you are something more than you really are. The words "mundane and ordinary" cannot and will not describe you. You announced that your coworkers declared you a Saint. It is you, that is crazy.

You spend every ounce of your free time retarding yourself with video games. I used to argue for your attentions. What for? It is you, that is crazy.

I fought a good fight against you, but I surrender. I have no strength left in me to fight your madness. It is you, that is crazy.

I smile, laugh inside even- knowing that in the end, you will be stripped of every ounce of control you have over me. For it is me that is smarter.

You work. You play video games. You insult, you rant, you rave and you unleash hell through this house. It is YOU that is crazy.

And while you're busy doing that, I'm getting set to go- leave the confines you have shackled me in. And it will be YOU that does in fact, go crazy.

You haven't brainwashed me, but I can let you believe you have. Besides, doing so puts a smile on that face of yours I have grown to hate.

I can bite my tongue and stagger away from your unbelievable words. You? You can't. YOU are pathetic and weak, not me.

You believe yourself a non abuser because you have never hit me. The narcissist in you prides yourself on that.

I get to go on- and live my life. You? You get to wallow in your self pity being alone with yourself- trying to find anyone that will play your game.

Your supply has run short. Your cycles bring on adult tantrums. And still yet, I privately laugh at you.

By the time I am done firing back at you, you narcissistic abuser- the house will be empty.

All that will be heard is nothing. You.. you go live with that. I won't have to.

Questions For My Mom

Posted by Anonymous.

It’s been over six years now since you left this world. I think about you every day. I wonder what you would think about the grandchildren you left behind and the grandchildren who’ve come along since you left us. You definitely loved your grandchildren no doubt. I used to watch in wonderment at the interaction between you and the grandchildren and wonder why you never felt that way about me. It’s amazing how a grandmother’s love can be so different from a mother’s love. It’s also amazing how you as a mother could show your love between your children so differently.

I came to know and love you better as an adult. I could actually understand your actions better after you finally disclosed your sexual abuse as a child by your relatives.

What I don’t understand is why you chose me as your target when I was a kid. Why was I called names and insulted, slapped in the face so often?

Why did people allow you to call me “fat, lazy heifer” instead of my name for weeks on end? Why did the school allow you to send me to school with just a cold hamburger patty and an orange in my lunch box for weeks on end because you thought I was too fat? I look at the pictures of me when I was 8 yrs old and I see a normal sized child. Why were you frequently over feeding me and then either making fun of me or denying food to me? Why didn’t you care that I was humiliated by you every day? Do you think your name calling and insults could have something to do with me being 75 lbs over weight today?

Why were you so violent? Did you enjoy seeing me cry? What about the welts and bruises?

Weren’t you embarrassed for people to see me? I was told that when I learned how to act right, you wouldn’t have to do that to me anymore. Why would a mother ever NEED to make her child bleed or bruise? You could try to make me believe that I deserved whatever punishment you dished out, but when other adults questioned me about who left the marks I knew that it wasn’t right. I knew other kids’ mothers called them by their names and not insulting, hurtful names.
Why did you have to degrade me when I started my period? Why was every new aspect of puberty an excuse to belittle or embarrass me? Why was it my fault when an uncle tried to molest me? I never said I enjoyed being “manhandled” as you accused me. I was 12 years old! Couldn’t you remember when you were molested as a child and no one helped you?

Why did you upturn my room and empty my closet and drawers out onto the bed every time I left the house for years? What were you hoping to find? I was too scared of you to ever drink or do drugs! You would have killed me if you’d ever found anything.

Why would you leave me for days on end with the people who abused you? Did you want me to be abused, too?

Why did you love my sisters and not me? What was wrong with me? Did you have me too soon after the first baby? 20 months apart was just too much for a 22 yr old, I know. But it wasn’t my fault! Why did you have more kids if you didn’t have enough emotional capacity to love them all equally?

Why did the other kids get to take piano lessons and have friends spend the night? Why was it ok for them to go to camp? Why was I ALWAYS on restriction? I remember, my grades! When I got behind in school, did it ever occur to you to help me? You were a college grad, you could have helped a 3rd grader with math homework before it got so bad that I got so discouraged that I could never recover. But, no, your solution was to put me on 3 months TV restriction, until the next report card. Did you honestly think that would help me understand multiplication and fractions?

When high school came around, why did you discourage me from going to college? Why did you refuse to help with filling out financial aid and application forms? When I told someone my dream of being a physician’s assistant, why did you laugh and tell everyone, “She’ll never make it”? Why did you make it easy for my sisters to go to college and refuse to help me?

What was so different or unlovable about me? Why was I your target? I think I could have peace in my life if I just understood your reasons and motivations. Unfortunately it’s too late now. I’ll never understand or get the answers I crave. I do try to look ahead and be the best mother to my children that I can be.

Without You

Posted by Anonymous.

I married your ex husband and raised your three children. They were 4,5,and 6 when you left and 15, 16, and 17 when you killed yourself. You left me here holding the bag.

I took you in and made you a part of our family so that YOUR kids could get to know YOU. I raised them as if they were mine and they never wanted for anything. Except for you, that is... You were around in the end but you were more like a favorite aunt instead of a mom. They loved you then and even more now. I disciplined them, taught them right from wrong, loved them unconditionally, held them while they cried over your absence, tried to explain why you left them with their dad, I was everything you didn't want to be.

So why did you do this to me? I never resented you for leaving your responsibilities with me! I loved you as a friend but I loved you mostly because you were the mother of the children that I loved so much. Since you have been gone the two oldest kids will not speak to me any longer. They hate me for doing your job for you.... Your family hates me for raising and loving your children. How could you be so selfish? Were you trying to get back at me for taking your place? What else was I supposed to do? You gave them to me and they needed someone to care for them, so I did.

In the wake of your death, your children have turned their anger on me. It breaks my heart that the children I love so much, resent me so heavily. It pisses me off that you were a horrible mother but now that you are gone, you were the greatest thing that ever lived. Your oldest son wasnt even speaking to you when you died because he was so angry at you. Now he goes around telling everyone what a great mother you were. I wasted the last 15 years of my life raising your kids. I devoted the last 15 years of MY life to YOUR kids! I hate you for what you have done. I regret the day that I ever told you that I would take care of them! This has turned out to be the worst mistake I have ever made. You took a really good thing and destroyed it. But I guess that was what you did best! Destroyed everything good in your life. Yet, somehow, I am the bad guy! How does that happen?

It has been three years and it seems to get worse as time goes by. You took the love that I felt for those kids and turned it into anger, resentment and regret! I took you to get help and you pushed me away. I knew this was coming and I threw my hands up because I was so frustrated. I am so sorry I didn't try harder to save you. Maybe if I had, "our" kids would still love me. But, what's done is done, and your kids are lost in this world without you and now without me. If I could go back in time, I would NOT do this over! I hope you are happy where ever you are! Just so you know.... we are anything but.

I Had A Friend

Posted by Anonymous.

i had a friend i used to work with. we saw each other every workday. we would go to movies together on the weekend, or maybe just sit and listen to music.

then she moved to the next state over. we still talked a lot by phone. she would come and visit me. (i wouldn't visit her because she lived with her son, his wife and their daughter. i just didn't feel comfortable going into that situation.)

then i moved 2 states away from her. whenever i call her, i hardly ever get a response. she remembers to call at birthdays and some holidays, but not just to say- hi, i was thinking of you, how're you doing. we do exchange gifts at birthdays and christmas.

but i would like a friend who would call me instead of me always calling her. i would like her to initiate the contact. and every time i think of letting her know that i want out of this relationship(?!), she does call. so i think -i'll give her another chance.

i don't make friends easily. in fact she is my only friend (!?). that's one reason i keep hanging with the (?) relationship.

do i let go or keep trying?

Gutless

Posted By D

Once again you were busted. The funny part is, I knew already. I knew her number where she lived and her name. All the while you thought I knew nothing at all. Do you really think I am that stupid? I guess you do, and that is a shame. I knew about her just like I knew about the others. And you only have yourself to blame. With your constant lies and attempts at deception. Did you not think I would see her number on the bill? And all the text between you both. You denied and said you had no idea who was calling but yet you were on the phone with this person for hours at a time.

But the real kicker was when we were driving home together and she called. Driving home after a lovely dinner. After I told myself, I will let this go, we are a family and we will get through this. That she did not matter, that you loved me and that was all that mattered. You got to love bluetooth technology, 10:46pm at night on a Saturday and she is calling you. The look on your face was priceless as you said you had no idea who would be calling at this hour. All the while I sat there and watched you try to spin your web of lies. You are pathetic!

The worst was when we got home and I confronted you about her, told you I knew everything. I thought you would pass out on the kitchen floor from shock. You actually thought I had no clue, boy were you wrong.

And when I handed you the papers with not just her name and information, but the names and information of the other ones, you were stunned.

Tired of your lies. Tired of your deceit. Tired of your disrespect for me. And just tired of you.

So I write this letter to you. You Gutless Cheating Coward.

The Fight Against Jim

Posted by Denise Kingsley (Pongratz).

I dropped the ball again.

I married very young. I was in love. In a few short years after the birth of two children, I knew I had outgrown him. I knew I would have nothing if I stayed with him. He was unfaithful to boot. When I decided to leave he became obsessed with keeping me. It took me 3 years to get my divorce. I am sure that this part of my story is common.

I dropped the ball by not pursuing him for child support. The laws were different when we divorced in 84. If he was not working, which he conveniently did not, no support was ordered. Once I found out he was working, I started the legal ball rolling only to be buried in paperwork and depositions. I had to make the decision whether to continue the fight,or provide for my children. I chose to stop. I could not afford both.

A second marriage required a move to another state. Instead of trying to prevent the move, he brought me papers that stated he would never have to pay anything. I did not sign them.

I tried again a few years later to get him to provide for his children, Once again he made it impossible and the cost too great for me. I stopped again.

The children are now 30 and 32. I recently found out my ex, their father, was in the hospital near death. He had virtually no contact with the kids and went many years between any communication. He almost died. COPD and pneumonia. He recovered, but does not have much of a life.

A new fire rose in me. How could this man die and never leave anything to his children? Nothing. He taught them nothing, gave them nothing but the pain of being abandoned. For the first time in my life I am financially able to fight him. Lawyer, court, judgment. He did not bother to fight it. He thought nothing would happen after all these years. I won a judgment that is almost impossible to collect. I spin my wheels and make myself physically ill trying to get him to do the right thing. He has once again hired an attorney instead of giving anything to his children. Not even a token. No mention in a will. Nothing. He is trying to get the judgement against him vacated for health reasons. He is and has always been sneaky. I am sure his has been hiding everything he can. I spoke to my attorney and all I can do is to throw more money into the fight. I am at the same position I have always been. Do I fight? How much will THIS fight cost? Is it the money or the principle? I know in my heart it is the principle. I want him to own it! I want him to pay for the pain he caused but I don't know how to do it.

Is it right to let it go and drop the ball again? Does a sick man get a pass now just because he is sick? The children do not want to see him now. Everything he has done since his hospitalization has proven to the kids that he does not care... never has. Actions speak louder than words.

I need to find inner peace. Will that peace come from letting it go and moving on, or should I spend the money and try everything I can to continue the fight?

Is There Really Such A Thing As Forever?

Posted by Anonymous.

Angry. Distressed. Devastated. Shell-shocked. Broken, it’s all so broken. We were at home on a Saturday, my husband and I. We had just moved into our house we had bought and we had gotten married about a month before. When the house phone rang and my husband picked it up I thought nothing of it. When I saw his face I thought someone had died. It was his mother, she and his father were having trouble. They’d been going to counseling and she was calling because she felt it was time he know, she needed support and love and reassurance.

Now to frame this, I’ve been incredibly fortunate with my mother in law. When she and I met she was genuinely interested in my life, asked me questions, learned my preferences and really cared. She was a woman of myths, a mother in law who never reminded me of the devil. She actually seemed to believe I was good for her son. She was so happy he had met such a nice girl. She was amazing through the wedding plan and continues to be amazing to me.

I had my husband call her again, make sure that she didn’t want us to come to her, or her to come to us, to have someone with her. She decided she was going to come to our house and she was on her way. An hour later she arrived at our house, she broke down and told us that after 31 years her husband, my father in law had told her that he didn’t love her anymore. That he considered her just a part of her life, that he had different plans for the rest of his life. She was understandably heartbroken. After being a stay at home mom, she’s being forced to figure out how to support herself at a time she anticipated she and her husband would soon both be retired and enjoying that together. I hugged her and hated him. I love her so much, and to think that he could so callously do that to her tore me to shreds.

I hate myself because I can’t help but worry that my new marriage may not survive, it feels so selfish. I had always kind of thought that after 30 years you were “home-free.” I called my mother and sobbed like a baby. “How could someone do this, to someone they loved?” I asked her if marriages could really survive. She reassured me that she and my father were never going to divorce and for the first time since I moved 700 miles away from them I felt like a fool for leaving them.

This all feels so broken. What seemed so perfect was broken. Perfect Thanksgivings, perfect Christmases. I have so much trouble talking about this with my husband because I feel like every time I bring it up I’m just reminding him of how his parents’ relationship is crumbling. Although I have told him when he is ready to talk about it I’m here. How will I even look at my father in law? Are we supposed to have a relationship with him like this never happened? I know that this is their relationship, and our relationship with him is separate. But there is that nasty little fact that, well, I hate him.

Let It Be Me

Posted by Anonymous.

Fertility treatment sucks. Why are so many women who don’t want a kid getting pregnant and I can’t? It is like a bad dream. Sex has become robotic and like a chore on my to do list. I don’t feel sexual at all! I never had so many dildo ultrasounds in my whole life. Every few days you get poked with a needle and open your legs. Every woman in the waiting room has a story and anticipation about her. Some woman bring their children while waiting for appointments and everyone stares as everyone knows that is what we are all seeking. People at work ask questions about when is the next baby on the way? So insensitive – I joke that maybe there will never be another baby, they laugh tell you not to worry and that just forget about it and then it will happen. Doh. I don’t think so.

And the costs involved. Man, why doesn’t healthcare provide coverage for fertility. We have come so far in this day and age that us woman are waiting til our ovaries are dried up, our eggs suck, our fallaopian tubes are scarred with living, all because of our careers, and now the price we pay is expensive. The price we pay is maybe never having kids or families like we wanted. I never learned that in university when I was getting my BA, my MA, establishing my career.

If I had known all this years ago, maybe I would have had a child earlier even though I wasn’t really ready. Are you ever ready ? Your life changes forever. When you are younger you have more energy and more playfulness. When you are older you are more weary but wiser. So is there a perfect time in this modern age to have a baby?

The perfect time for me is now. But now may come and go, and I will grieve. My uterus aches when I hold or see new babies. Next time, let it be me.

My Lovely Mother

Posted by Anonymous.

My lovely mother.
My lovely mother that 'taught me all i know'
My lovely mother who today, after i told her that my best friend went to my work to get ice cream, told me that she was worried that my employer would like my best friend better and hire her instead.
My lovely mother that complains day and night about all the laundry i cause her to do (which is a small amount mind you) and when i offer to do it all "no! you'll blow up my washer! you're too stupid to do it!" is the response i get from the couch shes 'resting' on.
My lovely mother whom supports me in nothing i do.
My lovely mother who when a guy doesn't call back immediately she makes 'a HILARIOUS' joke that maybe hes with his other prettier girlfriend.
My lovely mother who claims that i treat her like shit, when all i do is listen to her complaints about friends, family, work, and especially me.
My lovely mother whom as i sit, minding my own, yells at me to 'stop doing ..blank...!!!" something i'm not remotely even near executing.
My lovely mother who says " i don't care if your husband and all your guests at your wedding eat meat! i am not paying for anything if there is meat any where near that wedding!'
My lovely mother who forces vegetarianism and her religion on me.
My lovely mother who says constantly "you're eating agaaaain?" when i am the perfect weight for my age and height.
My lovely mother who takes more pride, and spends more money on her kindergarten students, but complains about spending money on shampoo for her daughter.
My lovely mother who took a pair of chop sticks i painstakingly painted by hand and used them as a back scratcher.
My lovely mother who critiques my artwork claiming "she has ideas that would make it better!"
My lovely mother who has the power to make me feel like a million dollars, when all i would ask is for her to make me feel like 10 dollars, makes me feel like an expired coupon.
My mother... my LOVELY mother.

Big Girl

Posted by Anonymous.

I wonder how I got here, and what is going to happen.

We started out as friends, talking for hours on the phone, until the sun came up - countless times.

You would stumble home from the bar, and speed dial me, realizing the cruelty of 20-something girls in university, and falling in love with the voice on the other end of the line - I accepted you and loved you just the way you were, your goofy laugh, your silly ego, your big dreams. You told me I was different, I was beautiful, I was ALMOST everything. My biggest problem was MY bigness. Over 200 pounds was too much to love. I promised to take care of it. You supported me.

We got past all the silliness and secrets, and were each other's firsts. It was memorable. Our physical relationship continued to be amazing. We learned it all together. It was incredible.

We became a couple - I eventually moved to your city, immediately lost 50 pounds. Despite the hardships of the first few months, we grew together, with passion and love and innocence. I worked at an awful job and survived for years. I made sure you finished school on time and succeeded. Your parents did not know about us. They still don't. Mine do, and they adore you, and even respect the mystery surrounding our secret. They don't know the reason I am a secret is because I am fat, and that your family's leash of money has kept me a secret.

My weight didn't budge past that first milestone. We were poor, the gym was too expensive, it was too hard, I gave tons of excuses. We kept it going because it was meant to be. We had time.

The time we spent was always quality - reading newspapers, discussing politics and world events, teaching each other and enlightening our minds in our spheres of influence. We were silly. We could act silly, you admired my love for animals and kids, I loved your passion for sports, your knowledge of what was happening in the world. I even indulged your delusions and comparisons to new heroes you read and learned about. I allowed you to believe their plight was similar to yours, every time. I forced you out of your comfort zone - took you on grand adventures and shared my useless knowledge of trivial things.

You eventually got into grad school, and had to leave our city, our country. You asked me to stay here, hold down the fort. Things changed, but we managed to survive all the obstacles. I saved your ass countless times. I got you through grad school. I sacrificed so much and came to visit as often as I could. Sometimes I spent the whole time cooking and cleaning and "making love." I didn't care. I would leave my whole life behind to do that forever. I love you that much. You make me that happy.

We were together or on the phone almost every night for nearly eight years. We shared every secret and fear and hope for the future. But the elephant was still in the room. Time was passing.

My inability to shed the weight has destroyed our future. It may be too late, but I am working to get rid of it now, for ME, for my health, for my own future. And now you're off playing with bleach blonde girls whose names end in "y" and "i". Because you are less goofy, more fit, and have letters behind your name, they want in your pants. And you have become vain and superficial enough to believe these college-age girls actually care.

I'd love to say that they can have you. But I can't, even though my heart has shattered in a million pieces, I won't give up on us.

Something this special doesn't happen twice in a lifetime.

That's why you still call me, for a week at a time, needing my voice as reassurance to get you to sleep at night.

That's why you still fantasize about me. You call me and I indulge you.

And I haven't told a soul the whole truth - that the love of my life has left me because I am too fat.

I haven't shared that shame with a soul, because I know that they will judge you, and some will blame me, call me a fool, or worse yet, not say anything but judge me.

Our dirty secret looks me in the mirror every day. It makes me crop photos, ashamed of how I look. It makes me head to the gym, and try not to cry, thinking about the bitch with caked-on makeup flirting with you, or worse, on top of you.

You may think you have changed, but you are still the scared goofy kid I fell in love with.

Every time I think I can move on, my heart stops me.

I am wonder how I got here, and what is going to happen.

Big Girl

Posted by Anonymous.

I wonder how I got here, and what is going to happen.

We started out as friends, talking for hours on the phone, until the sun came up - countless times.

You would stumble home from the bar, and speed dial me, realizing the cruelty of 20-something girls in university, and falling in love with the voice on the other end of the line - I accepted you and loved you just the way you were, your goofy laugh, your silly ego, your big dreams. You told me I was different, I was beautiful, I was ALMOST everything. My biggest problem was MY bigness. Over 200 pounds was too much to love. I promised to take care of it. You supported me.

We got past all the silliness and secrets, and were each other's firsts. It was memorable. Our physical relationship continued to be amazing. We learned it all together. It was incredible.

We became a couple - I eventually moved to your city, immediately lost 50 pounds. Despite the hardships of the first few months, we grew together, with passion and love and innocence. I worked at an awful job and survived for years. I made sure you finished school on time and succeeded. Your parents did not know about us. They still don't. Mine do, and they adore you, and even respect the mystery surrounding our secret. They don't know the reason I am a secret is because I am fat, and that your family's leash of money has kept me a secret.

My weight didn't budge past that first milestone. We were poor, the gym was too expensive, it was too hard, I gave tons of excuses. We kept it going because it was meant to be. We had time.

The time we spent was always quality - reading newspapers, discussing politics and world events, teaching each other and enlightening our minds in our spheres of influence. We were silly. We could act silly, you admired my love for animals and kids, I loved your passion for sports, your knowledge of what was happening in the world. I even indulged your delusions and comparisons to new heroes you read and learned about. I allowed you to believe their plight was similar to yours, every time. I forced you out of your comfort zone - took you on grand adventures and shared my useless knowledge of trivial things.

You eventually got into grad school, and had to leave our city, our country. You asked me to stay here, hold down the fort. Things changed, but we managed to survive all the obstacles. I saved your ass countless times. I got you through grad school. I sacrificed so much and came to visit as often as I could. Sometimes I spent the whole time cooking and cleaning and "making love." I didn't care. I would leave my whole life behind to do that forever. I love you that much. You make me that happy.

We were together or on the phone almost every night for nearly eight years. We shared every secret and fear and hope for the future. But the elephant was still in the room. Time was passing.

My inability to shed the weight has destroyed our future. It may be too late, but I am working to get rid of it now, for ME, for my health, for my own future. And now you're off playing with bleach blonde girls whose names end in "y" and "i". Because you are less goofy, more fit, and have letters behind your name, they want in your pants. And you have become vain and superficial enough to believe these college-age girls actually care.

I'd love to say that they can have you. But I can't, even though my heart has shattered in a million pieces, I won't give up on us.

Something this special doesn't happen twice in a lifetime.

That's why you still call me, for a week at a time, needing my voice as reassurance to get you to sleep at night.

That's why you still fantasize about me. You call me and I indulge you.

And I haven't told a soul the whole truth - that the love of my life has left me because I am too fat.

I haven't shared that shame with a soul, because I know that they will judge you, and some will blame me, call me a fool, or worse yet, not say anything but judge me.

Our dirty secret looks me in the mirror every day. It makes me crop photos, ashamed of how I look. It makes me head to the gym, and try not to cry, thinking about the bitch with caked-on makeup flirting with you, or worse, on top of you.

You may think you have changed, but you are still the scared goofy kid I fell in love with.

Every time I think I can move on, my heart stops me.

I am wonder how I got here, and what is going to happen.

Dear Everyone, I'm Sorry

Posted by Anonymous.

A letter to everyone:

To my work wifey, I am sorry for what I am about to say…I would gladly sleep with your husband if given the chance. I never will, out of the fact that you’re married and you’re a great friend to me. But it does not help that there is an obvious mutual attraction that we have both admitted to. We’ve both also said we would never, ever act on it. But please know that if the circumstances were any different, I would gladly sleep with him. When he’s helping inexperienced me saddle up the horse, the look in his eyes is unmistakable. Why do you think I always ask you to help me? But he always jumps in, and you’re all too happy to let him so you can saddle up your horse. He’s a great man, loving, respectful, hard-working in every sense of the phrase, funny, and smart. I fantasize about him quite a bit. I’m sorry, I truly am. This is why I am not over at your house as much as I used to. Because I do not want to see him kissing you, wonder what it would be like if it was me. I know this makes me a horrible person, and I’m sorry.

To my fiancé, I am no longer in love with you and have not been for quite some time. You are a fantastic father, but a horrible partner. We have not made love in over three months. You come home late with no explanation or such a flimsy one; I am convinced you are seeing someone else. You smell like perfume that is not mine. You always have a new reason why you will not touch me. You’re tired, you’re sore, you’re mad at me for [insert small inconsequential thing], or you’re just not in the mood. I stopped trying after a month. That was two months ago. You always have to be right. You have an experts opinion on everything, and there is no such thing as a debate with you. You MUST be right, you cannot fathom that someone else would have a differing opinion. You always seem to find fault with something and yet you are so skillful at doing it. “I’m sorry, and I’m not trying to be rude but…” Can’t I do something 100% right anymore? You seem to think that it’s constructive criticism but when you say that there’s always this long list on what I’ve done wrong. I’m too impatient, too bitchy, not smart enough, don’t know enough, can’t do this, can’t do that…I cannot honestly remember the last time you said something positive or nice to me. And trust me, I sat here for a good ten minutes before I typed out that phrase.

If the constant belittling wasn’t enough, you seem to resent the fact that I have a life outside of the home. You don’t say anything until you’ve got yourself good and pissed then you explode. It is not my fault you’ve alienated all your friends and they never want to be with you. One of your “friends” admitted that he was tired of your cheap & elitist attitude, so he stopped calling. I go out maybe twice a month, which I didn’t think was THAT big of a deal. Most of the time it’s just hanging out with my girlfriends, helping them out with something, whatever. I have tried to explain that I need time away from the baby, you, the house, just to keep my sanity. I have explained the importance of girl-time, and me-time. You cannot fathom why taking a five minute daily shower is not enough. People that have only met you once or twice have commented on how surly you seem to be, and how short you are towards me. I am tired of saying, “Oh he’s just having a bad day. He’s normally not like that.” But you are like this. All the time.

You deposit my paycheck and then drain the bank account without warning. I stopped bothering using the debit card for fear that it would be rejected. It is humiliating to have to ask for $10 to treat myself to lunch ONCE A DAMN MONTH. I am a grown woman who works hard for her money, and I would think 4 years would prove to you that I do not spend money frivolously. Yet you treat me like I’m spending our rent money, or taking food out of our pantry. It is humbling and humiliating. You say you’re “shielding” me from the money stresses of our lives. You seem to forget that I am an accountant by trade. I deal with money and could probably do a better job than you’re currently doing but you control the finances with an iron fist. You REFUSE to let me get involved, and become infuriated when I ask to be so.

You aren’t aware of this yet but I am currently trying to figure out a way to leave you. Despite your protests, you WILL pay child support. You will NOT get her for a week on and a week off. That would mean two daycares and finding a daycare that is kosher with that arrangement would be impossible. No, you will see her every Wednesday and every other weekend, just like your children from your first wife. You will pay child support again. I do not care if you must move back in with your Mother. Tis I that must set up a whole new household, since you own just about everything. New furniture, new deposits, yeah, this is gonna get expensive quick.

I won’t do this to you, but I could nail your ass to a cross for sexual abuse. Oh, yeah, buster, I could. When I say STOP or NO or THAT HURTS, guess what? THAT MEANS YOU STOP. That doesn’t mean you should forge on ahead! You have whittled away my self worth to nothing, and I feel lower than a whore. At least a whore gets paid for services rendered. I get you rolling over and going to sleep. Last time you did that to me, I wanted to simultaneously vomit & crush your hands. I will say this to you….You should be thanking whatever cosmic deity you pray to that I have not told my ex-Special Forces father about this. You see, I’m still his baby girl that he will kill to protect. If he found out his precious baby girl was being molested by her fiancé, he’d have to kill you on principal. Laws be damned, nobody fucks with his little girl.

To my daughter, I am sorry that I can’t be the mother you need me to be. Right now, you’re only two years old. You’re content to blow kisses and proudly show off the new body part you learned that day. But you’re so full of energy, and you want me to run around with you and I have nothing left to give you. Between the demands of my job and trying not to break the eggshells I walk on around your father, it takes a lot out of me. I never wanted to be like my Mama was with me, but I fear I am: always tired, always crying, constant headache, popping anti-depressants like they’re candy. Mama drank pretty heavily, and I used to refill her wine glass all the time to keep her happy. The difference between Mama and I is that I wait until you’re in bed. I don’t get drunk like Mama did, but I know I drink too much. I drink to feel numb from the situation I feel trapped in. I’m sorry that you were given this sorry excuse for a Mama. I try to play with you, paste a smile on my face, and try to find the energy to be the Mama you need. You can’t understand this right now, but most of the time I feel like breaking down and bawling. But you don’t like it when I cry. “Mimi no cry?” you ask, wiping my tears away. No, baby girl, Mimi no cry. Mimi is happy! See Mimi smile! It’s so hard to smile when you feel dead inside, like the very life has been stolen from your soul. But I smile for you, my dear girl. Because you want to see Mimi happy, and because I would give up my life to make you happy. Because you are the only true source of joy in my miserable life anymore, because your smile and laugh makes me fall that much more in love with you. Because your hugs and kisses make me want to shed tears of joy that someone as wonderful and as magnificent as you loves me so completely, though I have done nothing to deserve your unwavering love. I am trying to be the Mama you want and need me to be, but please understand my darling girl…Sometimes Mimi’s do cry.

To my fiancé’s ex-wife…You do not know the rage I have inside of me. It is only the fear of prison time that keeps me in check. Woman, you’re one more snide comment away from getting a black eye, courtesy of yours truly. I may not have a four-figure handbag, but at least I didn’t gang-bang a group of sailors on leave and then do a line off their erect penises. Yeah, bitch, that actually DOES make me better than you. That makes be SCADS better than your coked-out cum guzzling ass. How you haven’t lost custody of the kids is beyond me. But please…DO remark how my purse CLEARLY came from a discount store and YOURS is Gucci and by GOD that makes you a better woman. I trained under my ex-Special Forces Papa, and while I’m certainly not the most threatening thing on two legs, I can fuck. You. UP. And woman, the rage inside me is bubbling just below the surface, courtesy of a fucked-up family dynamic and your lovely ex-husband. When you see me smile when you pull up, it’s not because I’m happy to see you. I’m envisioning ways to maim your skanky ass. For this I am not sorry. I hope you straighten up, but I sincerely doubt that will happen. In the meantime, please just get arrested so the kids can go to their father. Or die. Dying works for me too. The contempt and hatred I hold for you knows no bounds. I think I’m a bad mother, I know you’re an abominable mother.

To everyone that tells me I’m bat shit crazy and need therapy. I’m in therapy, assholes. It’s not fucking working. Y’know what would work!? Lets see here…Oh yeah! My Papa could stop blaming my Mama for everything wrong in his life since they divorced, for starters. My Mama could stop drinking herself into oblivion every night. I wish my twins epilepsy would get under control. She’s losing her memory, her motor skills, and they’re coming without warning. Eventually, it’ll be ME taking care of her. Yet another thing I would happily do so she can FOR ONCE IN HER LIFE know some peace. Her life has been wrought with struggles, pain, and suffering. If taking care of her full time means she can be at peace for once, I will do it. My soon-to-be-ex could stop being such a controlling abusive asshole. Oh, yeah, that’s right, NONE of the above is going to happen any time soon. So I guess in the meantime I’ll have to shut up and plan on leaving.

And smile. Just keep smiling for the one true love of my life.

Disappearing

Posted by Anonymous.

Sometimes I feel like if I don’t write, my head will explode. I don’t even have any privacy for that anymore. He checks my phone, my internet history, everything is suspect the moment I want a little privacy. I don’t have a blog either. No place to put all the words in my head, so they just circle the drain, maddeningly slowly, until they are gone.

The feelings that inspired them just pile up. They never go anywhere even when the words are no longer there.

I am so sad lately. Angry too. But the anger is at myself. I’m 39 years old. I should have known better than to find myself here, again. Why did I ever marry a man who doesn’t like me? Only a few months ago, in fact. And now I can see, he doesn’t like anything about me, nothing I do is good enough….certainly he certainly isn’t in love with me…. I have come to realize I simply can’t please him. He is never happy and always looking for something to criticize. No effort I ever make is good enough.

I myself, I have come to realize, am not good enough for this man. I can’t remember the last time he really smiled at me or made eye contact that wasn’t an angry glare. We never make love, seldom even “have sex” and when we do, it’s fast and rough and there’s no joy in it….I miss that loving touch and the beauty of that so much I can taste tears in my throat just thinking about it. No one but my kids ever touches me
anymore, no one really ever smiles at me. No one ever talks to me in a kind and concerned voice, to the point I teared up hearing a compassionate and caring tone from my doctor last week.

I feel so stupid. I knew this was what I was getting into…I knew I wasn’t going to be cherished, treasured, respected, prioritized, adored. I suspected he was using me and marrying me as a means to an end in his custody battleway to get more time with his kids. He didn’t propose, he just told me the kids were “ready” for us to get married. I feel so stupid and so, so ashamed. I can’t even pretend to be surprised, I knew all of it. He never urged me to do anything for myself, even buy a nice
dress for the wedding instead of the cheapest one. My dress was $13… his suit was $500….did I mention I paid for it all, and put the last of my savings on a downpayment for his new truck, while I drive a real clunker? There was , and has been, no mention of a honeymoon, nothing. Not even a wedding night somewhere special. Didn’t I think I deserved more?

All we have done since then is fight. He is sure there is, or has been, another man. Every day he turns something into “proof” of that and accuses me of all manner of nastiness. If I defend myself, he self-righteously claims that’s “proof” too. I want to take a lie detector test but he refuses to participate because his ego can’t handle the idea anyone would find out the lengths I’d have to go to get him to believe me. Also because (I secretly think) once I passed it, he wouldn’t be able to stay mad at me, and he enjoys that too. Because if I am tripping all over myself
defending his accusations against wrong numbers and texts to girlfriends and why I was 5 minutes late, he still has the upper hand, and I am not an equal.

We are in counseling. Already. We had homework, about my feelings. They are still sitting on my dresser three weeks later. He won’t ask to see it or talk about it. It will sit there until I get so embarrassed and hurt that I pretend it’s lost just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.

The Dr. is running tests in a few weeks to see if I have something seriously wrong….maybe cancer even. It’s not likely, but even so. I just wanted him to hold me. To act upset that something might take me from him. To seem concerned in any
way. Instead he just told me I was probably in menopause and nitpicked me for not staying at the office and having the tests run right then., with my mother there (oh hell no.) There was no kiss, no stroking me, no kindness, no concern. I fell asleep
and dreamed he got upset and said he couldn’t stand the idea of anything happening to me. But it didn’t happen. , really. It won’t. Yesterday he got up and stormed out because I didn’t say “bless you” when he sneezed. But I guess I don’t deserve
his concern and comfort when I’m really scared.

Here it is the next day and all we have done is fight some more. He made a nice dinner and gave me a card, and now he’s insisting I haven’t “tried”. I have tried so hard and nothing’s ever been enough. I am tired of failing with every effort. I “try”
every day. It’s all I think about- how NOT to make him mad. I just want to hear something nice. Something kind and loving. Instead I hear how disrespectful and callous I am for being 5 minutes “late” home from the store or I get ridiculed at a
family gathering for how I am so stupid for flushing a tampon.

I used to be pretty, and smart and a good mom. I had nice things, I drove a nice car and wore pretty clothes. My house was clean. My kids got good grades. I used to have friends and people had nice things to say about me. I liked myself. I believed in myself and I had dreams. I wish sometimes I hadn’t. Maybe if I had never had that I wouldn’t have such a hard time with this, being no one.

Every day is a struggle, nothing I do is ever good enough to matter. I work harder than I ever have, and its not enough to make anyone happy. I am invisible and unappreciated. I literally cannot remember the last time I felt whole. I think
about ending my life all the time, I don’t see any way that this will get better. I can hardly bear the idea of another 20 years of days like these- working and working and working with no one to hold me or love me or appreciate me. No one to ever smile
at me or laugh with me; no one to ever tell me I am special or smart or worthwhile. Just an endless stream of accusations and criticism and cold rejection….right now the only thing that keeps me here is a promise I made my grandfather- and
the thought of someone telling my baby girl that I left her on purpose. So I just go through the motions and I wait and see. I can’t put my kids through another divorce. No one wants to hear that you are in ANOTHER bad marriage. My family knows something’s wrong but they cant handle it and so they are turning a blind eye. I can’t leave. But I don’t know what happens to me if I stay. I am disappearing a little bit every day. At least sometimes in my dreams, he still loves me and I
am still good enough.

The Problem With Porn

Posted by Anonymous.

It started off as "one of those days" and it's turning into "one of those weeks." I'm happily married, or so I thought, I have a beautiful son who is about to turn a year old and a hard working husband. Just last week I found out that he's been watching pornography. I researched and researched and I get the technicality of it. How it has nothing to do with how happy he is with me, that it doesn't mean I'm unattractive to him, and someone compared men and porn to women and fashion. I didn't buy any of these explanations. When I confronted him about it I asked him if he was unhappy with me, or if I wasn't enough anymore. He said, "Men just watch porn. It doesn't mean they're not happy." I told him I considered it cheating and he opposed. The thing that bothers me the most is that a few weeks ago we had been discussing the subject and somehow it came up and he explained to me that when men watch porn they imagine themselves being the man on screen. That just keeps running through my head. How can that NOT be cheating? HOW?! You are imagining yourself with another woman that's not your wife.

This is slowly tearing me up from he inside out. I already feel myself falling away from him. Already know I'm going into a depression. I might be overreacting but I really feel cheated. I feel inadequate. I don't care what the "experts" say. It's not right. I just don't know what to do. I know he's not going to stop, and it hurts me so much to know that. I feel like our marriage is a lie. Sex is intimate, and should be shared with your partner. Not by yourself as you fantasize about some other person. For anyone who might suggest for me to watch it with him I refuse. It makes me nauseous.

Utterly Miserable

Posted by Anonymous.

I'm so sorry, but I'm utterly miserable here.

You have been great this last week, putting on this little act. But I know it'll disappear and you'll be this uncaring, unaffectionate person again that finds fault in every little thing I do. It's happened before and it'll happen again.

We never touch each other anymore, despite my advances. I asked you if you were seeing someone else and you blew me off. Is she at least prettier than I? I am pretty sure you're seeing someone else. You come home from a 4-hour haircut smelling like cheap perfume. You work late but your paycheck doesn't have any overtime on it.

You're also abusive. You've never hit me, this much is true. But you control every penny of our finances and make me feel like a spendthrift for daring to need a new pair of jeans since my old ones fell apart. You get mad when I need things like shampoo or soap and I have to beg for $10 to put gas in the Jeep.

You make me do things in bed that hurt, and I don't like them. You keep forcing them on me, and telling me I'll learn to like it. I don't like it, B, I never have. I've told you that and you keep doing it to me. Why do you degrade me in such a way? I've been a mother to your kids when your exwife was out getting drunk, and I'm the mother of our daughter. Haven't you seen the tears when you're doing this to me? Of course not, the lights are out and you probably don't care.

Thanks to you, B, my self esteem and self-worth are no longer there. I feel like the lowest scum on the planet right now. I cry constantly, I'm a nervous wreck, and I'm not too far from a nervous breakdown.

You're not aware of this, but I've signed a lease on a new apartment. I haven't told you yet because I am scared out of my mind and my heart is breaking. I know this will cripple you financially, and I'm sorry. For what it's worth, half of my income will go for rent. It's the only place I found that isn't in the middle of gang land. I can barely afford it, but at least I know every night won't be an episode of cops.

I hate to see you move back in with your parents, but I have to do this. I hate to do this to our daughter, who will not see you every day now. She adores you so much, she lights up when she sees you. But I know if I gave her over to you before we had a custody agreement in place, you wouldn't give her back to me. At least until everything was finalized, which you've said before you'll drag out as long as you can to spite me in the past.

God, B, I love you so much despite what you've put me through the last 4 years. But I cannot do this anymore. I am so utterly miserable, I hate coming home. Your touch makes me cringe for fear that you're going to do something to me that I don't like.

I love you, B. I love you more than you can ever fathom. But I cannot stay here when I am so utterly miserable that I would sooner die. Which, if I stay, that's what will happen. My soul will die inside and I'll be that Mama that cries all the time and never smiles.

Good-bye, B.

William Stafford Was His Favorite Poet

Posted by Anonymous.

Since you were four months pregnant, your husband has been cheating on you, with me. He told me he loved me, that I was the love of his life. We spent almost every evening together, in the park, by the library, up the hill, anywhere you can think of in the San Mateo neighborhood.

Then one night, we slept together at a hotel. I felt so guilty, yet I desired him so. I had tried to end it, when your daughter was born, he thought I was abandoning him without warning, made me feel terrible for leaving him in this state. Anger, bitterness -- it was all around. I went away to London and came back, thinking that if I had left him alone, he would not pursue this and take care of you and you daughter. I got weak and succumbed to him.

I admitted to my husband about the affair and it devastated him. I couldn't live with myself. I was in a battle between my head and my heart. I went back for more, but I also started to become domineering to ask him to tell you the truth. He wouldn't. He told me I was heartless and cold-hearted. You should listen to his words, every day, threatening to want to kill himself with sedatives. I felt bad and stuck with him and tried not to express my anguish and suffering. Once, I was so desperate for him to tell you and he threw a brick out of anger. I didn't understand, why he would tell me he loved me but he wouldn't confess his love. I got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore.

He texted me every day at work and abused me with his words. You know how good his words are. William Stafford was his favorite poet, he gave me his one and only book and used to read poems to me. I bet he did the same with you. I couldn't take his abuse and my own suffering anymore. I spoke to HR about it and they dismissed him. He was so angry. I felt so guilty. Yet you still have no idea. He came back, I met your daughter, he came back and made love to me for 3 weeks, even on a trip to Monterey. I was naive to believe that he was going to love me and leave you.

We have been sexually and emotionally involved for two years. I know it hurts, but you should have the right to know what happened so that you can decide for yourself. Your husband swore at me every day for destroying his life, career and marriage. I am sorry for what I have done, but I just thought you should know. I loved him but he didn't love me enough to tell you the whole truth. I hope he's a good man and will treat you well.

Like A Sister

You’re my best friend.. Like a sister to me but not blood related. At one point in our lives, I’d drop everything to make sure you were safe. Because I was in the same situation.

Now... I can’t bare to be in the same room with you. You’re constant want for sympathy is sad because of this situation. Your belief that your husband is actually going to come home, in your house and everything will be the same makes me want to scream at you.

A. He’s a pedophile B. He was arrested and jailed for the past four months for throwing your son across the room and making visible marks. C. Just because he’s a pedophile won’t make the courts want him to go back home just because he needs a place to stay.

I’ve been in the same situation my friend, my ex-husband whom you know very well had done some pretty nasty things to me, but never to our son. There is now a full standing order of protection still on myself and our son, from the court. And he has supervised visitation.

And you actually believe your husband is coming home? I'm afraid what's going to happen when it happens. When he doesn't.

For the past three months, I’ve tried talking to you about the things going on in my life. I told you we‘re planning on getting married… and all you can do is fiddle with your phone, texting your “so-called” friends and yell at your kid. No congratulations, or anything. I wanted you to be my maid of honor. You sit there and get depressed at my son’s birthday because you miss your husband. Because you can’t stand to see other people happy

I’ve BEEN there for you!! I’ve sat by your side and held you when you cried. Convinced you that getting up every morning is a good thing and taking care of your kids is your first priority. I’ve offered time and time again to take your kids when the courts were threatening to take them away from you. And this is what love you show me?

I'm sad. Our friendship has taken to this point where I can't even talk to you anymore without feeling like I'm going to get a argument thrown at me or you saying something negative. I sat there and cried today, wondering if it's going to be like this for the next whatever amount of years. Because my love for you as a sister just can't go away. Sadness, anger, hurt, a little betrayed by your lack of caring. But it will never go away.

I want things to change, I want you to be happy. I wish I could make things different but life just can't be placed on a full halt because of your situation. Sometimes other people need a little hug too, especially sisters.

Wanting Someone You Can't Have

Posted by Anonymous.

I’m so confused!

I want someone I can’t have. I know I can’t have him because he is too good. If I did have him I’d then feel bad.... feel at fault... even though he can make his own choices. He won’t choose me.

... but the yearning is so strong. I’m so happy when he’s around. I count down the minutes until I can see him again.

We’ve become such good friends that I would really hate to ruin that friendship. I want to grow that friendship, not just so I have those opportunities to be near him... even just to hear his voice, or see his smile... but because I really do like him as a friend too!!

I’m smart enough to know and understand the millions of reasons why this shouldn’t happen.... why it won’t happen... (The top are I’m married, he’s married, he’s religiously moral, he’s very happy with his wife...)but I’m having a really hard time reconciling my head and my heart to be on the same page. The other significant factor is our work relationship – I’m pseudo-management, and he’s a front-line worker, and there’s so many complications with that it makes my head spin!!

I’m not looking to change my situation, somehow I do love the one I have – but it’s not enough, and I’m tired of just settling for 2nd best. I’m tired of being the roommate.

I think I should be applauded for one thing though... I’ve been super careful to try to not put out too many of the “I want to jump your bones” signals... I’ve really toned down my usual “flirty” self – which hasn’t been easy to do!

I wish I was a mind reader and knew what he was thinking about at times. If he was thinking, even remotely, the same thing I was. But if he is, would I take that opportunity and potentially screw up everything; or take the opportunity and enjoy the ride while it lasts; or smartly turn it down and continue driving myself mad with should of, could of...

Why does this have to be so confusing?!?!

What It Feels Like To Be Left Behind

Posted by Anonymous.

Dear "K",

The other day I was brushing your daughter's hair, making sure the part was even, forming a twist, making it just right. She smiled in the mirror when I told her I made a French twist and because it was "French" it was fancy. Then I grew mad, chills went up my spine. I thought of another woman brushing my daughter's hair, parting it, twisting it and I couldn't take it. I couldn't stand the thought of another woman standing in and doing something so intimate with my daughter. The mere idea of someone touching her head and making her feel that good moved me to tears and made me angry. Call me selfish but that's just me.

When you drove down the road in your U-haul I watched those girls cling to their father, did you know it took every ounce of strength I had not to run after your truck? Did you know I wanted to drag you out of that truck by your hair and hit you? I never had a stronger desire to hit, beat, mutilate someone in my life. You left. You were selfish. You left your children and I HATE you for that. I hate you as much as I hate my own mother.

One day I woke up to find all my worldly childhood possessions packed up in black garbage bags. Say good bye because after school you are going to live with your dad. That was it. I was disposable. That is how it felt. I wasn't worth the fight. It hurt. It still hurts now.

Seeing you hurt your daughters in the same way is something that is too personal to me. I hate you more then these words can say. It would take fire. It would take death to separate me from my children. I won't, couldn't leave them. I know what it feels like to be left behind and that is enough for me to hate you like I do.

Susan

I Wish I Never Married You

Posted by Anonymous.

You,

I'm tired. I can't fight this uphill battle another day. I just don't have the energy to bridge these gaps anymore. I feel sorry for your crappy upbringing and absentee parents. I know it's hard to lateral your experience into a connected and loving family life, but people do it every day, including me. I didn't exactly come from the best corners of life, either. I'll never say this to you, but I think having a child with you was a huge mistake. I have no regrets about our son, as he is everything to me. However, I have regrets about having him with you.

Don't you understand how hard I work at this? I lost my dad, my mother abandoned me and I was barely raised by my sister. I didn't even have anyone making sure I bathed and brushed my teeth, nevermind the more important stuff in life...so this is a struggle for me. When it comes to parenting I go off of love and common sense, as I don't have much else. I am trying to instill the things in him that were not instilled in me. I try to keep myself calm, despite the fact that riding my last nerve seems to be his favorite hobby as of late. I try to be a firm parent and do the right thing even when it hurts to do so. While these are normal parenting issues, what's not normal is your complete lack of involvement. Your son is going through puberty and he asks ME questions. Not you. ME. And that pisses me off to no end. He should be asking you these questions. The fact that he comes to me for everything proves that in his young life you haven't established any kind of closeness with your boy. He's halfway to adulthood and you've made no effort to positively influence him in any way whatsoever. Do you know what he tells me? "I can't ask dad, he'll say no." Dad is on the computer, he won't help me." "Dad is in the other room, he's busy."

Do you know how much this breaks my heart to hear? DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE HOW MUCH IT MAKES ME HATE YOU?

This is why I fucking nag. Because you put no effort into your relationship with your family whatsoever. Your closest relationships are night elves and shaman, not us humans that love you and stand by you. I know I sound like an out and out jerk, but I have to bleed out the hate and hurt if I am going to get to the heart of things. I want to be sympathetic, I really do. I give you credit for supporting us financially. I give you the respect you deserve and do nice things for you. Somehow, though, you stopped noticing or appreciating any of it. Then again, recognizing mine or our son's value would mean you'd have to pay attention and God forbid you pull the World Of Warcraft out of your ass for 5 minutes. This is why I'm angry. And no matter how many times I've tried talking to you about it, I get nothing.

Speaking of nothing, that's how our love life is now. Do you know how much it hurts to know that I've been treated better intimately by lesser men than you? It makes me feel like less than nothing. When I got sick and couldn't work anymore, you slowly but surely stopped touching me except for at 3 a.m. when you roll over and offer to "help" me finish the job I started. If you don't love me enough to initiate, you can go fuck yourself. I am not a glorified means of masturbation! I am a human being with thoughts and feelings, I deserve better than that! We didn't even consummate our marriage on our wedding night. You spent the night watching movies with your mother while I slept alone.

I WISH I NEVER MARRIED YOU.

Whew...ok. Now I am shifting gears again. I'm sad. What the hell happened to us? We've always had our issues, but we stuck together. Now I feel like we've never been further apart. I don't trust you when you compliment me. I don't like it when you touch me. I miss the days when you didn't push me away. I feel like a lot of this went to hell once I got sick. I feel like you don't love me anymore because I have limited mobility and can't hold down a job right now. I don't expect you to understand what it's like to be me, but I understand you. I know it's hard to watch someone go from a vibrant go-getter to someone that can't carry groceries into the house anymore. I just wish you never pushed me away. I know your heart is good and that you love us, but I don't think you know how to love us. And I'm sorry to say that it's just too late for me.

As the saying goes, "I'm too old for this shit." I really am. I am tired of waiting patiently for you to decide you want to be part of this family you helped make. I'm tired of giving you a pass because you had a shitty childhood. I'm tired of talking about it with you for nothing to happen. I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to volley a ball that isn't even on my side of the court. I'm just done and will bide my time until I get my health back on track and become financially independent again. I have complete faith it will happen, and when it does it's time for me (and our son) to go. 15 years...I can't do it anymore. I want affection, connection, someone that will want to have a relationship with our son. He's such an incredible kid....I'm so sorry you don't know him the way I do. Perhaps it will be better the next time around...and there will be a next time. I'm not allowing our failure of a marriage to sour me on relationships. Who knows, maybe you just don't love me and don't want to admit it. Maybe your next relationship will be a better one, too. I never wanted to say goodbye, but you're giving me no choice. I can't live in misery much longer.

Somewhere deep down inside a micron of my being holds on, hoping the situation will turn around and our family will improve. Unfortunately, my head is 100% convinced it will never happen. Either way, thanks for the good memories. May we all grow from this mess we're in.

Me